French-Kissing with Nacho Cheese

Published on Wednesday, January 20, 2010, by James Norton / Edit Post

Taco Bell Beefy 5-Layer Burrito

Taco Bell Beefy 5-Layer Burrito

I Paid: 89 cents for a 9-ounce burrito (prices may vary by region)

Taste: 1 stars

Marketing: 3 stars

The main innovation that Taco Bell’s Beefy 5-Layer Burrito brings to the table is wrapping a beef and sour cream burrito in an extra-soft tortilla concealing a protective jacket of nacho cheese sauce. That sauce is just about the only thing you’ll taste for the majority of the time you spend eating the burrito; you’ll feel, in fact, as if you’re basically French-kissing industrial-grade nacho cheese sauce. There you go: You’ve been thoroughly warned.

Considering that the burrito offers a pretty amazing cash-to-weight value—you get a 9-ounce pile of foodlike material for less than a buck—it would take a taste catastrophe for me to give this a bottom-of-the-barrel taste rating. But even at its blue plate special price, the Beefy 5-Layer Burrito manages to disappoint. In a nutshell, the dominant nacho cheese sauce is repugnant. It’s a bit slimy, overly salty, and tastes only remotely like actual cheese. Don’t be fooled by the shreds of “real cheddar cheese” that are also inside this burrito. The timeless chemical wonder that is the nacho sauce is all you’ll taste until you hit a large enough mouthful of ground beef to counterbalance its impact.

The Beefy 5-Layer Burrito ends with a salty flavor that will linger in your mouth for a full 15 minutes after you’ve finished the thing. It’s an epic modern tragedy that numerous cows died to bring us this burrito. That said, each 89-cent, 550-calorie burrito does give you 1,640 milligrams of sodium, which is a solid two-thirds of your daily requirement of that valuable nutrient.

If you’d like to read a thoughtful contrary opinion, the blog Epic Portions tasted the same burrito and declared it “the perfect fast food menu item.” Much—no, everything—seems to come down to your assessment of Taco Bell’s nacho cheese sauce formula. If you love it, you’ll love this. If you’ve got functional taste buds, you probably won’t.

James Norton edits the Upper Midwestern food journal Heavy Table. He's also the coauthor of a book on Wisconsin's master cheesemakers. For his Supertaster column, he samples offerings from supermarket aisles and fast-food menus. You can follow him on Twitter and fan him on Facebook. His wife, Becca Dilley, takes the photographs for Supertaster. She specializes in weddings and food photography, and is the coauthor of and photographer for the book on Wisconsin's master cheesemakers.

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POST A COMMENT |14 Comments

COMMENT

  • I don't hate fast food. I just hate Taco Bell. Jack-in-the-Box makes a far superior inauthentic taco. I would imagine anybody could.

  • Whoops I meant to say fast food haters, not lovers.

  • Amen Epicportions. That's exactly what fast-food lovers don't get about places like Taco Bell. I don't go to taco bell for the perfect authentic taco. I go there for junky goodness with mystery meat slathered in mystery sauces that taste craptacularly delicious, the way only taco bell can make.

  • Taco Bell has always been far and away the worst of the fast food chains. Everything is full of waxy clumps of salty orange grease, and their "hot sauces" taste like sugar, ketchup, and (overwhelmingly) vinegar. Horrible. It doesn't even look appetizing on TV. And the dumbest part is that any taco truck anywhere has mouthwatering Mexican fast food for a fraction of the price.

  • French kissing nacho cheese! Priceless. Let's face it, its Taco Bell, you can only expect so much, but that image sticks in my mind!

  • I haven't eaten Taco Bell in years... But I have fond memories of late night visits after a long night out in college. It's Taco Bell. Cheap, edible mexican. Doesn't pretend to be gourmet. Have to admit that every once in a while i still get a craving for a burrito with extra fire sauce...

  • I'm partial to the Cheesy, Double Beef Burrito.

    It's my favourite "Foodlike material" from the Bell.

    DT

  • I notice that Epic Portions never actually says how the burrito TASTES... just comments on its size-to-price ratio, basically. But having had some very tasty things from Taco Bell in the past, I don't think that I should just assume whatever I eat there will be "shitty". Personally, I'm with barryg: the 7-layer burrito's pretty great, and I used to add the crispy potatoes to my cheesy bean...+READ

    I notice that Epic Portions never actually says how the burrito TASTES... just comments on its size-to-price ratio, basically. But having had some very tasty things from Taco Bell in the past, I don't think that I should just assume whatever I eat there will be "shitty". Personally, I'm with barryg: the 7-layer burrito's pretty great, and I used to add the crispy potatoes to my cheesy bean burrito, too.-COLLAPSE

  • Taco Bell can never top the 7-layer burrito.

    I hate the nacho cheese sauce. One of the great things about Taco Bell is that you can substitute any of the ingredients in their menu items, so you can essentially create whatever you want. I used to like the cheesy bean burrito, but would just ask them to sub the real cheese for the sauce. My friend used to add the crispy potatoes to his burrito.

  • It's 89 cents. You get what you pay for. I didn't think it was great, but it was certainly edible.

  • I actually agree with super taster Billy Wopton.
    Keep this up, and I might just start getting your name right one of these days.

  • People do have insane expectations when it comes to taco bell. It's meat cheese lettuce and bread, get over it. Quite frankly I wish taco bell would stop fucking around with their menu. Their burritos are always a dissapointment, the equivalent of a diaper. Hard shell tacos are the way to go, and if your dumb enough to stray from that path then I feel sorry for you. Those pictures from...+READ

    People do have insane expectations when it comes to taco bell. It's meat cheese lettuce and bread, get over it. Quite frankly I wish taco bell would stop fucking around with their menu. Their burritos are always a dissapointment, the equivalent of a diaper. Hard shell tacos are the way to go, and if your dumb enough to stray from that path then I feel sorry for you. Those pictures from epicproportions do not help the case at all. Now if they pulled out some sort of fish taco thing then maybe we'd have something real to discuss.-COLLAPSE

  • Just wanted to note that my reading of this column finds that Supertaster declared Epicportions 'thoughtful', and further stated that if you have functional tastebuds, you only 'probably' won't love this item. So the previous post appears to be responding to a slight that did not occur.

  • Thanks for the link, but I feel the need to respond to your declaring my taste buds dysfunctional. My tastes buds work perfectly fine, which is why I enjoy this burrito so much. If you consume any item from a fast food establishment and expect anything less than "industrial grade" ingredients, then.. well.. I think you should probably cease writing about food. I feel like people don't go into...+READ

    Thanks for the link, but I feel the need to respond to your declaring my taste buds dysfunctional. My tastes buds work perfectly fine, which is why I enjoy this burrito so much. If you consume any item from a fast food establishment and expect anything less than "industrial grade" ingredients, then.. well.. I think you should probably cease writing about food. I feel like people don't go into Taco Bell expecting a slowly simmered nacho style cheese sauce. They expect a shitty "industrial grade" nacho cheese sauce that more than likely consists of filler ingredients with artificial flavoring and plenty of yellow coloring to give it that "nacho cheese color". Their nacho cheese is no different than anything other ingredient on their menu. Maybe your next review should be on the drive through diet. Wait, that's going to have the same exact thing. Why? Because it's from Taco Bell.-COLLAPSE