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Dear Helena,
I’ve heard it called “French leave” when you’re at a party and you don’t say goodbye to anybody, even the host, and you just sneak out. Is this OK to do? Is it horribly rude? I used to do it all the time at big parties, particularly ones where I was leaving earlier than the host probably wanted me too, and I’m embarrassed about it.
—I’m Tired and Bored and I Wanna Go Home
Dear I’m Tired and Bored and I Wanna Go Home,
Some think the term French leave is military in origin, referring to an extended absence from one’s army unit, but its etymology is debated. For those who aren’t familiar with the term, it’s now used more generally to mean “an unannounced departure,” such as when someone skips out of a party without bidding adieu to the host. For instance: “Does anyone know what happened to Bob and Sue? I guess they took French leave.”
As you point out, you don’t really want to draw attention to your departure if you only stayed 45 minutes. And it’s tempting not to bother with farewells when your host is busy or you’re exhausted or you can’t think of a good fib to explain why you’re leaving. “It’s awkward, this whole, ‘We have to go: the baby-sitter, late night,’” says Jon Grier, a retiree in Marin, California, who confesses to taking French leave on occasion.
But this behavior is really only appropriate at the kind of party where you barely know your host, or maybe only the friend you came with knows the host.
You need not be embarrassed about leaving if you’ve put your time in. At a cocktail party, you should stay at least an hour—you owe the host as much attention as an episode of Mad Men. Otherwise, you’re not even giving the party a chance.
But however long you stay, you can’t just sidle out the door. Your host will be left with the sinking sensation that you didn’t have a good time. Even if you didn’t, you have an obligation to your host to make him think you did. Here’s how to make a graceful exit:
Have your coats in hand. Your host will know you’re serious about leaving, and you won’t have to fend off his attempts to make you stay.
Don’t offer an excuse. As I’ve explained before, you need only say, “We have to go, thanks so much for a great time.”
Mention a connection. One of the most gratifying things about throwing a party is introducing people and seeing new friendships and romances form. So mention someone specific you’ve enjoyed talking to and any plans you’ve made to hang out with him or her in the future, no matter how tenuous: “I had a great time talking about mountain biking with Joel, and we’re going to become Facebook friends.”
Finally, it’s OK not to say goodbye to the other guests. If you broadcast your departure, more people may start stressing about their dogs/baby-sitters/work commitments, and you could cause a domino effect.
One should consider all things before first accepting the invitation. It's easy to accept one, but then feel "obligated" to go, even when you don't feel like it.
I like Jaymes' method. The host should be the first to be acknowledged, thanked ,and then thanked again when leaving. If you know you'll leave early, just let them know. But leaving without another Thank You, enjoyed talking with so &...+READ
One should consider all things before first accepting the invitation. It's easy to accept one, but then feel "obligated" to go, even when you don't feel like it.
I like Jaymes' method. The host should be the first to be acknowledged, thanked ,and then thanked again when leaving. If you know you'll leave early, just let them know. But leaving without another Thank You, enjoyed talking with so & so, etc, is just rude and inconsiderate.
And isn't it funny how the Europeans all have a phrase for it, but blame another country as starting it!!! Hilarious!-COLLAPSE
Here in France, this is known as "filer à l'anglaise" or leaving, English-style. I found it pretty amusing when I found out.
Well, nrchsk, you seem to ignore those who are compelled to be present at gatherings against their desires. Some hosts get all in a snit if an invitation is declined, too. These things cut both ways.
I think it is incredibly rude to sneak out of a party without thanking the host first. I would never show up at a party for 45 minutes and then just leave, unless of course there was some kind of emergency. It is also incredibly rude to show up very late for any kind of dinner party without a really good explanation. And don't even get me started on guests who arrive empty-handed. If it's that...+READ
I think it is incredibly rude to sneak out of a party without thanking the host first. I would never show up at a party for 45 minutes and then just leave, unless of course there was some kind of emergency. It is also incredibly rude to show up very late for any kind of dinner party without a really good explanation. And don't even get me started on guests who arrive empty-handed. If it's that much of a chore, or you don't really know or like the host, then JUST STAY HOME!!! We don't want your kind anyway!!-COLLAPSE
Well, it's the final weekend of the real party season, and I have three tomorrow night.
The first is an annual neighbourhood get together- pretty sure we can spend just 45 minutes or an hour at that one with no repercussions.
The second is one we're really looking forward to- another hour or more at that one.
And the last is a big event in a bar, where it doesn't really matter what time we show...+READ
Well, it's the final weekend of the real party season, and I have three tomorrow night.
The first is an annual neighbourhood get together- pretty sure we can spend just 45 minutes or an hour at that one with no repercussions.
The second is one we're really looking forward to- another hour or more at that one.
And the last is a big event in a bar, where it doesn't really matter what time we show up.
I honestly think I can get in and out of the first two with sufficient grace to be thought of as a good guest. (Unlike some family members who came to my place for Christmas dinner last year, arrived empty handed, didn't offer to help, and left without saying thank you or goodbye... but that's a whole 'nother story, isn't it?)-COLLAPSE
There are often social obligations having to do with work. Thanks to my husband's job, we frequently have more than one party we have to go to on Friday or Saturday nights, especially during the holiday season. It's important to "show the flag." So we go, make sure the host/hostess see our faces, schmooze quickly around the room, try to say hello to everyone. We do explain to the host/hostess...+READ
There are often social obligations having to do with work. Thanks to my husband's job, we frequently have more than one party we have to go to on Friday or Saturday nights, especially during the holiday season. It's important to "show the flag." So we go, make sure the host/hostess see our faces, schmooze quickly around the room, try to say hello to everyone. We do explain to the host/hostess upon arrival that although it's such a lovely party and we appreciate being included, we've got "another obligation" and we'll need to slip out early and we're sorry. And then we NEVER "grab our coats" or do anything else to announce our imminent departure. (In fact, we often leave our coats and my purse in the car for just that reason. We certainly don't want to put a damper on the evening or have anyone else notice we're leaving and take that as a signal that everyone should go.) We start heading slowly toward the door, backs to the wall, talking and socializing while we work our way in that direction. And then, just like a whisper, we're gone.
And the next day, we telephone the host/hostess to thank them, again, for inviting us and to apologize, again, for having to leave early.-COLLAPSE
There's another term for the "French leave," and it's the "Irish goodbye." I've actually never heard the former term.
I'm Irish on one side and French on the other, which means I have the force of two cultural tendencies to overcome.
Vorpal,
OK, now I get it--and am laughing about the anniversaries and Valentines.
Sounds like the woman needs some help!
saacnmama: Perhaps I didn't accurately portray just how overwhelming this family is :-). When the relationship ended, I was so relieved to never have to attend another one of those circus family gatherings again. Despite my fairly severe introversion, I love family and gatherings, but this was just so outrageously over the top that even the extroverted members of his family found it unbearable....+READ
saacnmama: Perhaps I didn't accurately portray just how overwhelming this family is :-). When the relationship ended, I was so relieved to never have to attend another one of those circus family gatherings again. Despite my fairly severe introversion, I love family and gatherings, but this was just so outrageously over the top that even the extroverted members of his family found it unbearable. Honestly, it left me so fatigued that I didn't have the social energy left to hold up my obligations to my own friends and family.
Essentially, the get-togethers were to appease the mother, who was nearly intolerable. As the only in-law to stand up to her on multiple occasions and refuse to attend the constant stream of social events, I was the envy of the other three in-laws, who didn't have the courage - and justifiably so, because she was quite frightening, especially when made angry :D. To give you an idea, if we didn't spend Valentine's Day with her, despite the fact that she was happily married, she was completely affronted - she couldn't comprehend that we might want alone couple's time. The same was true of our anniversary, actually, now that I'm thinking back. Even holidays like St. Patrick's Day were mandatory. Throw in 18 birthdays, none of which could be combined, five anniversaries, and a host of other occasions, and hopefully you can better understand where I'm coming from.
I am now married (to someone else, obviously) and have no problems with the in-laws; I enjoy interacting with them.-COLLAPSE
I liike the part about not broadcasting your departure and causing a stampede. Hosting is a lot of work after all. My one young friend thinks it is the coolest thing to hit three or four parties on a single night. nibbling and sampling at each one, so as not to miss anything. I've tried to explain to him that people do notice and resent that sort of behavior sometimes.
Thanks Haricots! We're lucky to live in a building with several tenants who are--like you--interested in my son's well-being, so I can arrange with one of them to be "on call" if he needs anything.
Greygarious, that's a great term!
Vorpal, I'm surprized, knew you like your privacy, but would've thought that through your extensive social graces you'd find a way to enjoy even overly abundant...+READ
Thanks Haricots! We're lucky to live in a building with several tenants who are--like you--interested in my son's well-being, so I can arrange with one of them to be "on call" if he needs anything.
Greygarious, that's a great term!
Vorpal, I'm surprized, knew you like your privacy, but would've thought that through your extensive social graces you'd find a way to enjoy even overly abundant family events--pouring the drinks, frying an appetizer, whatever post to station yourself in.-COLLAPSE
I've heard the term "foodgitive" applied to dinner guests who eat and run, or, anticipating bad food, make an excuse to leave before the meal is served.
Vorpal, you make a good point about events that you are obligated to attend, rather than purely social events that you are choosing to attend. The gatherings you describe sound painful, and I easily can imagine wanting to make an early retreat (particularly given the frequency of these celebrations). Having said that, I still think a "thank you and good bye" are in order before leaving. Bet you...+READ
Vorpal, you make a good point about events that you are obligated to attend, rather than purely social events that you are choosing to attend. The gatherings you describe sound painful, and I easily can imagine wanting to make an early retreat (particularly given the frequency of these celebrations). Having said that, I still think a "thank you and good bye" are in order before leaving. Bet you are glad to be out of that family.-COLLAPSE
I think that if I was to host a party, my guests should at least thank me and say goodbye. If they don't I probably wouldn't invite them back.
I think Saacnmama shouldn't be leaving her 6-yr old at home while she goes to a party!
I usually enjoy parties thoroughly, but there were periods in my life where I found myself in situations where I could really appreciate the sentiment of the original poster. For example, several years back I dated someone who's mother was an extreme extrovert (note: I am an extreme introvert). She used to host parties of various types once or twice a month, and she was not only insistent but...+READ
I usually enjoy parties thoroughly, but there were periods in my life where I found myself in situations where I could really appreciate the sentiment of the original poster. For example, several years back I dated someone who's mother was an extreme extrovert (note: I am an extreme introvert). She used to host parties of various types once or twice a month, and she was not only insistent but expectant that every member of her very large family (of which I was considered one) attend. It was generally understood amongst us, the family, that if you didn't go, there would be consequences of some type, generally involving significant amounts of tedious drama. Given her stubbornness and immaturity in the matter, it just wasn't worth the fight. (Just being a member of that family was a hefty time commitment.)
Given the frequency of these parties and the large number of guests she invited (mostly people I didn't know and didn't really feel like getting to know better as I wasn't in the market for new acquaintances), indeed in those circumstances I thought of what type of mandatory minimum stay I could get away with. If I didn't, between all the parties, family dinners, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I would never have gotten a moment to myself!
I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are all different types of situations, and indeed, some of them do merit an early retreat.-COLLAPSE
Wow, I've never thought of mandatory minimum stays at a party!
You accept the invite, go, and have a good time, whatever that means to you. Of course you greet the host/ess upon arrival and say thanks when you go, of course you talk to other people, but checking out your watch/phone/the clock on the microwave until you've put in your time? Ick! I certainly don't want guests at my home feeling...+READ
Wow, I've never thought of mandatory minimum stays at a party!
You accept the invite, go, and have a good time, whatever that means to you. Of course you greet the host/ess upon arrival and say thanks when you go, of course you talk to other people, but checking out your watch/phone/the clock on the microwave until you've put in your time? Ick! I certainly don't want guests at my home feeling trapped that way!
If I know ahead of time that I won't stay long--like the time a sweet couple I really liked threw a party b/c they were moving and I didn't have a sitter--I just say up front "I didn't want to miss your party, even though I can't stay long b/c my 6-yr-old is home alone". It's not an excuse, it's just one more part of the juggle. I don't think I've ruffled any feathers that way.-COLLAPSE
If you came to my house and ate my food, drank my drinks, I'd expect a thank you and a goodbye. Without it, I'd have a hard time inviting you back again.
Helena, Helena, Helena -- don't you remember your own advice? If the party is boring your duty as a guest is to poke around and make sure there's plenty of alcohol so people can get drunk: http://www.chow.com/stories/11831. Because as you've told us repeatedly, it's not a party unless everyone is drinking.
And of course, as you've also recommended, if there isn't enough alcohol of course it's...+READ
Helena, Helena, Helena -- don't you remember your own advice? If the party is boring your duty as a guest is to poke around and make sure there's plenty of alcohol so people can get drunk: http://www.chow.com/stories/11831. Because as you've told us repeatedly, it's not a party unless everyone is drinking.
And of course, as you've also recommended, if there isn't enough alcohol of course it's okay to leave: http://www.chow.com/stories/11631-COLLAPSE
Leaving a party early? yeah right! You need to start going to some better parties or upgrading your friends if you are just bored there. Life is way too short for such nonsense.
"If you really are too tired to stay and be social, then on your arrival when you great the host, you could explain "I was awake all night for work last night, so can't stay long, but just didn't want to miss out on your party altogether.""
I agree with this mountaincachers. My husband has to get up at 3 or 4 am and works weekends. We often tell the host when RSVPing that we might have to slip...+READ
"If you really are too tired to stay and be social, then on your arrival when you great the host, you could explain "I was awake all night for work last night, so can't stay long, but just didn't want to miss out on your party altogether.""
I agree with this mountaincachers. My husband has to get up at 3 or 4 am and works weekends. We often tell the host when RSVPing that we might have to slip out early because of my husband's work schedule. And they understand completely. But we would never leave without saying thank you. That's so rude.-COLLAPSE
This is a ridiculous question....the point is not to say good bye to your host, but to say THANK YOU. The host presumably went to some trouble to have this party, and to sneak off without saying thanks is horribly rude. Short of leaving by ambulance, I can't think of a situation where this would be appropriate. Furthermore, if, in a large party, you can't find anyone to chat with for more than...+READ
This is a ridiculous question....the point is not to say good bye to your host, but to say THANK YOU. The host presumably went to some trouble to have this party, and to sneak off without saying thanks is horribly rude. Short of leaving by ambulance, I can't think of a situation where this would be appropriate. Furthermore, if, in a large party, you can't find anyone to chat with for more than 30-45 minutes, then maybe the problem isn't the party. Perhaps you just aren't a big party type, and next time you should just RSVP "no thanks." When you tell someone that you are attending their party, you have made a commitment to come and stay for a reasonable period of time. When I was growing up, my dad used to talk about how to be a good guest, not just by using good manners, but by helping ensure that the party is a success. This might mean talking to boring guests or whatever. If you really are too tired to stay and be social, then on your arrival when you great the host, you could explain "I was awake all night for work last night, so can't stay long, but just didn't want to miss out on your party altogether." Then when you leave, it isn't a reflection on the party. This is a tactic that should only be used if it's true, not because you would rather go do something else.-COLLAPSE
I have a problem with the 2nd piece of advice. A lot of people are bad liars, if you lie badly and say: "We have to go.", it's not going to sound convincing at all. Just like the awkward: ‘We have to go: the baby-sitter, late night,’.
Someone needs to find an editor.
"I used to do it all the time at big parties, particularly ones where I was leaving earlier than the host probably wanted me too, and I’m embarrassed about it."