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Dear Helena,
Last night I was at my friend’s cocktail party and, trying to be helpful, I took their crystal punch bowl to refill it. On my way to the kitchen, I tripped, and it shattered. It turned out that the bowl had belonged to the hostess’s beloved great-aunt. I apologized profusely, but my husband says that’s not enough and we should try to replace it. What should we do? —Accidents Will Happen
Dear Accidents Will Happen,
Recently, I broke a plate that belonged to a friend’s dead father. I drunkenly insisted on taking the pieces home and, when sober, reassembled the plate with Super Glue. You could barely tell it had been broken. I felt quite proud of myself. But, says Sally Kimbel, who sells dishes on eBay, I shouldn’t have bothered. Glued-together plates are fine for display, but microscopic bits of food can get lodged in the cracks, the same way they can get stuck between your teeth. “Over time you’re not going to get that out. The clay is very porous,” she says.
So trying to fix it isn’t the answer. You need not offer to replace the item if it’s an ordinary wineglass, coffee mug, or dish. But if it’s something more precious, good manners require that you make every reasonable effort to do so.
Of course, even if you find an exact replica of someone’s dead uncle’s decanter, it won’t be the same one that generations of relatives have handled. But, says Mary Burnham, a food and wine writer in San Francisco, that’s not the point. She has 10 dinner plates that were part of her great-grandmother’s wedding china in the 1890s, and she would definitely expect a guest to replace one if he broke it: “Even if her fingers never touched it in the same way, it would remind me of her tastes and traditions and provide the same connection to the past.”
First, ask your host if he knows the name of the pattern and manufacturer. If not, snap a picture of the broken pieces with your phone. Photograph both the front and the back, where you’ll usually find a manufacturer’s stamp, says Scott Fleming, president of Replacements, Ltd. A matching service will typically identify the pattern for free.
You can order the piece from the service if you don’t mind paying a premium or if your need is urgent. Fleming recalls: “One young man called and said he was looking for a wineglass. He’d had a party and his parents had gone out of town. We had to send it overnight.” But if you don’t mind getting an item that may have some wear and tear, it’s much cheaper to trawl eBay.
But no matter how hard you look, some things simply can’t be replaced. Perhaps the item was handmade, or a new one is simply not within your budget—as in the case of this punch bowl. I don’t recommend sending the owner a gift certificate, much less a check. When a host is downcast about a broken teacup, it’s usually not the financial loss that’s upsetting him, and giving him cash is tacky. You’re better off with a contrite note and a small gift, like flowers.
I have to agree on this one:
Occasionally guests have broken a piece. I always tell them not to worry about replacing it.
I think that's the gracious thing to do.
But every single time, they have.
Because that's also the gracious thing to do.
If I really want my pieces to be safe I don't use them. Which is the right thing to do ;-)
"...But, says Mary Burnham, a food and wine writer in San Francisco, that’s not the point. She has 10 dinner plates that were part of her great-grandmother’s wedding china in the 1890s, and she would definitely expect a guest to replace one if he broke it:"
Really? If I did the breaking I'd do my best to make it right but wound never EXPECT a guest to replace something innocently broken.
Don't...+READ
"...But, says Mary Burnham, a food and wine writer in San Francisco, that’s not the point. She has 10 dinner plates that were part of her great-grandmother’s wedding china in the 1890s, and she would definitely expect a guest to replace one if he broke it:"
Really? If I did the breaking I'd do my best to make it right but wound never EXPECT a guest to replace something innocently broken.
Don't use it if you can't stand to lose it.-COLLAPSE
An age limit of raging? never! IT is all about raging responsibly though...
Want to add this little tidbit about drunken guests.
One Thanksgiving, after dinner, my alcoholic father-in-law was standing by the fireplace, blowing his nose. At first I didn't realize it, but then suddenly, I could see that he was blowing his nose into my great grandmother's antique lace and linen napkin.
I thought that was bad enough.
Imagine my horror when he wadded it up and threw it...+READ
Want to add this little tidbit about drunken guests.
One Thanksgiving, after dinner, my alcoholic father-in-law was standing by the fireplace, blowing his nose. At first I didn't realize it, but then suddenly, I could see that he was blowing his nose into my great grandmother's antique lace and linen napkin.
I thought that was bad enough.
Imagine my horror when he wadded it up and threw it into the fireplace.
Naturally, the jerk was so drunk he didn't even know what he had done.
Much less apologize for it.
Does nobody here that thinks it's just fine to get blotto at a party after one is older than, say, 24, believe a guest has any responsibility at all to behave in an appropriate manner in someone else home when handling someone else's posessions?-COLLAPSE
Boy, sounds to me like everybody could have acted more wisely. I wouldn't get out a priceless punchbowl. I also don't get so drunk that I lose control and break stuff. Frankly, if you're that drunk, you're lucky if breaking a glass is the worst thing you do.
As for what to do about the punchbowl, I agree with whomever said to buy the nicest one you can afford and send it along with a note of...+READ
Boy, sounds to me like everybody could have acted more wisely. I wouldn't get out a priceless punchbowl. I also don't get so drunk that I lose control and break stuff. Frankly, if you're that drunk, you're lucky if breaking a glass is the worst thing you do.
As for what to do about the punchbowl, I agree with whomever said to buy the nicest one you can afford and send it along with a note of apology.
And BTW, I also have a lot of Waterford. I use it. Occasionally guests have broken a piece. I always tell them not to worry about replacing it. I think that's the gracious thing to do.
But every single time, they have.
Because that's also the gracious thing to do.-COLLAPSE
This column just makes me sigh and wonder what happened to simple ethics.... I last commented when someone wanted to know whether it was okay to steal things from bars. That didn't require a whole column, just a simple, "No. Stealing is not okay." Now this. If you break it, you have an obligation to replace it. Only the host/owner can give you permission not to do so. Trying to glue it back...+READ
This column just makes me sigh and wonder what happened to simple ethics.... I last commented when someone wanted to know whether it was okay to steal things from bars. That didn't require a whole column, just a simple, "No. Stealing is not okay." Now this. If you break it, you have an obligation to replace it. Only the host/owner can give you permission not to do so. Trying to glue it back together just won't cut it--food in the cracks has nothing to do with it. Getting drunk is not the issue either. If you don't know your limit and you lose control you should be responsible for the consequences, regardless of where you are and what the reason is for the gathering.-COLLAPSE
If I were hosting I can't imagine accepting an offer to replace an object that had broken, especially if it had resulted from a good deed. If it's that valuable, keep it in the cabinet I say. Or ya takes yer chances, not that it won't be painful, but it's part of having people in your life. Guests shouldn't be afraid to touch anything b/c you brought out your heirlooms.
This article reminded...+READ
If I were hosting I can't imagine accepting an offer to replace an object that had broken, especially if it had resulted from a good deed. If it's that valuable, keep it in the cabinet I say. Or ya takes yer chances, not that it won't be painful, but it's part of having people in your life. Guests shouldn't be afraid to touch anything b/c you brought out your heirlooms.
This article reminded me of a New Year's Eve incident from years ago that I still recall with horror..a couple hosting their annual NYE house party had the main table lined with rows of Waterford crystal for everyone to use. I expressed amazement to the hostess that she'd take them out (and that she had so much of it), particularly as it was an event at which great quantities of alcohol were known to be consumed. She said some were inherited but most she'd received as wedding gifts, and she saw that their purpose was to use them (she was young; I expect she feels differently now). Around midnight, a guy next to me sweeps his arm around, a crystal glass shatters, luckily only one. He's clueless, I gasp, everyone turns to look. As I considered it bad form to point my finger at him accusingly, most assumed it was my fault. I told the hostess that while I hadn't knocked over the glass and my reaction was based on understanding the value of it, I still felt/feel horrible. Luckily the memory is tempered by also remembering that the party was a truly amazing time, with the coolest hosts ever. But still. I wish she'd used different glasses.-COLLAPSE
Even when most guests are under control and drinking responsibly, there is always the chance that at least one guest won't be able to control his or herself. We've caught more than one guest pouring a refill past their glass and right to the floor because they were too drunk to even see where their glass was, or passing out on the sofa in another room. We've started by nicely joking about cutting...+READ
Even when most guests are under control and drinking responsibly, there is always the chance that at least one guest won't be able to control his or herself. We've caught more than one guest pouring a refill past their glass and right to the floor because they were too drunk to even see where their glass was, or passing out on the sofa in another room. We've started by nicely joking about cutting them off, and have had to resort to pulling the booze away from them and telling them to put a lid on it, if need be. They are usually too snookered to be offended.
My advice? If there is alcohol and a large group, i.e., not a small group of people you know well and can trust to know their limits, leave Grandma's crystal in the cabinet. Accidents happen, but drunks have more accidents, and broken glassware is a small accident compared to what else drunks can do to everyone's lives. Unfortunately, it is a hazard that every host or hostess risks whenever a larger group is assembled and some of the guests are not repeat guests.-COLLAPSE
I'm not a big drinker--just don't like the feeling of loosing control--but am also not freaked out by Helena's use of drinking in this or other columns.
I learned in college that most of my acquaintances had been using "I was drunk" as a simple way to get out of having to explain otherwise awkward situations for several years. So, when you read that Helena's been drinking again, I suggest you...+READ
I'm not a big drinker--just don't like the feeling of loosing control--but am also not freaked out by Helena's use of drinking in this or other columns.
I learned in college that most of my acquaintances had been using "I was drunk" as a simple way to get out of having to explain otherwise awkward situations for several years. So, when you read that Helena's been drinking again, I suggest you replace the verbiage with something that suggests the real situation would be so detailed as to derail the subject.-COLLAPSE
Serving alcohol while proffering antiquities is never a good idea. Add greasy/soiled fingers, perambulating guests and the added weight of whatever food you are serving and you have a recipe for disaster.
Granted, protocol would dictate that said clumsy guest should at least offer to replace the broken heirloom but no guilt should be added to the incident.
What does this post have to do with dining? I thought this board was supposed to be about food. This may encourage negative feedback, now we wouldn't want that now would we? As it seems other posts have been deleted that don't deal with restaurant/food issues.
If there's an irreplaceable item, then my suggestion would be not to use it. I don't think your guests should be stressed out about breaking stuff at your home being used in a reasonable manner. I'm not talking about purposefully done stuff, just normal accidents. If it were a very special dinner, and it's obvious that the best chinawear was being used, then I suppose your guests should handle...+READ
If there's an irreplaceable item, then my suggestion would be not to use it. I don't think your guests should be stressed out about breaking stuff at your home being used in a reasonable manner. I'm not talking about purposefully done stuff, just normal accidents. If it were a very special dinner, and it's obvious that the best chinawear was being used, then I suppose your guests should handle the plates with both hands on the way to the sink and stuff like that, but I just think things should be used...-COLLAPSE
lol @ glowworm. I hear ya. I too have the clumsy gene. I also break wine glasses and such all the time.
when I have a party, I don't break out the display pieces or keep the fine wines in the rack for people to guzzle at 4am, but even that I wouldn't be too uptight about. The dog also goes to see her doggy friends at the kennel for the night so no one steps on her. Other than that, fair game....+READ
lol @ glowworm. I hear ya. I too have the clumsy gene. I also break wine glasses and such all the time.
when I have a party, I don't break out the display pieces or keep the fine wines in the rack for people to guzzle at 4am, but even that I wouldn't be too uptight about. The dog also goes to see her doggy friends at the kennel for the night so no one steps on her. Other than that, fair game. That said, OP didn't say they were drunk.
julietg, i'm thinking maybe the host was also having a really good time, someone else took the dregs of the punch bowl. I've noticed when there are a lot of natural hostesses at a party, many will pick up hosting duties and hover over platters and such.
That said, I think i'd have to self-flaggelate if I destroyed someone's cherished item, particularly given some of the potential reactions. As special as something is, if it is THAT special that you'll grieve that much over it, perhaps it should just be a display piece.-COLLAPSE
Maybe someone could tell me how much I need to drink to get the point where I don't break stuff. I break stuff when I'm stone cold sober so if I need belt back 3 martinis to hit a safe zone, please let me know.
"Just a suggestion. Maybe you should consider not getting so drunk at parties that you break stuff." Many thanks for the sobriety lesson, but I thought the purpose of a party was to get drunk and be convivial. Smashing a punch bowl is no big deal.
(Knock wood) I always bring out the good wine glasses. That's what they are there for. (Knock wood) I have noticed that guests take good care of them because they are delicate. (Knock wood)
To have a serving piece/china/stemware and not use it- that seems like a greater tragedy that my ancestors would disapprove of.
Futhermore, why did the hostess not notice her bowl was running low? If a...+READ
(Knock wood) I always bring out the good wine glasses. That's what they are there for. (Knock wood) I have noticed that guests take good care of them because they are delicate. (Knock wood)
To have a serving piece/china/stemware and not use it- that seems like a greater tragedy that my ancestors would disapprove of.
Futhermore, why did the hostess not notice her bowl was running low? If a guest notices it, that says to me the bowl was bone dry. The hostess should have noticed at 25% and filled immediately. The dregs of the punch bowl are sometimes gritty, and the ladle can't always draw a good cup without significant coverage.-COLLAPSE
Well it was a cocktail party, so it is likely that alcohol was being served. I am not sure of the host's wisdom in choosing an irreplaceable item to use in such a setting. Its just not worth the risks to your friendships to bring out these items. I have glasses that I almost never use because of this.
An additional rule that I have when I DO decide to use these items is that I do not accept...+READ
Well it was a cocktail party, so it is likely that alcohol was being served. I am not sure of the host's wisdom in choosing an irreplaceable item to use in such a setting. Its just not worth the risks to your friendships to bring out these items. I have glasses that I almost never use because of this.
An additional rule that I have when I DO decide to use these items is that I do not accept any help cleaning them after. I transport fragile items so that if they do break I have no one to blame by myself. Also, if there has been alcohol consumed, there is no dishwashing that occurs until the next day. That way dishes are washed by the soberand accidents are less likely to happen.
Finally, I really want to call Ruth and others on their attitudes. Saying "I thought the purpose of a party was to socialize, not to get blotto" is highly judgemental. In my circles its NOT a party unless someone (everyone) is "blotto" (we're all 40-something professionals - not yahoos).-COLLAPSE
a note and a small gift are nice, but wouldn't one always offer to work with the owner to try to replace something if possible. The owner may indeed decline the offer, but a small amount of persistence usually helps find out if the owner is declining only out of good manners, or really chooses not to replace the broken item. "let me at least get you something in it's place, it would mean so much...+READ
a note and a small gift are nice, but wouldn't one always offer to work with the owner to try to replace something if possible. The owner may indeed decline the offer, but a small amount of persistence usually helps find out if the owner is declining only out of good manners, or really chooses not to replace the broken item. "let me at least get you something in it's place, it would mean so much to me." (Do not say "it would make me feel so much better." you are not trying to assuage your own guilt.)-COLLAPSE
I get blitzed at parties and break dishes on purpose. So that I state my presence with authority.
Helena brought up the fact that she was drunk and made it part of the story. Mostly, it wasn't the first time one of her pieces has implied it's a given that people will get smashed at parties, or even that the purpose of a party is to get drunk. Silly me, I thought the purpose of a party was to socialize, not to get blotto.
For example:
"As a guest, if you’re worried about running out of...+READ
Helena brought up the fact that she was drunk and made it part of the story. Mostly, it wasn't the first time one of her pieces has implied it's a given that people will get smashed at parties, or even that the purpose of a party is to get drunk. Silly me, I thought the purpose of a party was to socialize, not to get blotto.
For example:
"As a guest, if you’re worried about running out of alcohol, bring two bottles of wine instead of the more typical one. To prevent your host from stashing your offering in the cupboard, just mention that you’re extremely excited about trying it."-COLLAPSE
Personally, if I'm hosting a party, I won't use anything irreplaceable, especially if there will be alcohol. Should there be an accident, it won't be with anything I would regret losing and the guest would feel obligated to replace it.
Flowers . . . a card . . .heartfelt note in my opinion. Perhaps a gift . . . I'd not even try to replace it as it probably would be a failed attempt. As a host if there was a service piece that I could not live without I'd not bring it out for use. If I invite my friends in to my house and in the course of events some piece goes to meet it's maker . . . so be it . . . it has done me great service...+READ
Flowers . . . a card . . .heartfelt note in my opinion. Perhaps a gift . . . I'd not even try to replace it as it probably would be a failed attempt. As a host if there was a service piece that I could not live without I'd not bring it out for use. If I invite my friends in to my house and in the course of events some piece goes to meet it's maker . . . so be it . . . it has done me great service it's been lovely enjoying this thing . . . but friends and family are far more important.-COLLAPSE
I'm in agreement with Ruth and Shattered. I'll add that whenever there's going to be lots of drinking, unknown guests (who might have the potential to get out of control if they have had just a little to drink) or both, then it's best to keep the chinaware and other heirlooms out of harm's way. This is one time when it is not a bad idea to use plastic, paper or styrofoam instead.
If the party is the kind of party among friends where everyone's drinking a lot, there's no reason to hold back from getting as drunk as you'd like (within safe limits of course). When everyone else is taking it easy, it's really awkward when one person gets really trashed (this happened at a recent dinner party I attended), but that's not always the case. Scolding Helena for mentioning that she...+READ
If the party is the kind of party among friends where everyone's drinking a lot, there's no reason to hold back from getting as drunk as you'd like (within safe limits of course). When everyone else is taking it easy, it's really awkward when one person gets really trashed (this happened at a recent dinner party I attended), but that's not always the case. Scolding Helena for mentioning that she was drunk is pointless if the context isn't given. (I say this as a non-drinker whose sobriety doesn't prevent her from occasionally breaking something.)-COLLAPSE
As Ruth said, don't get blitzed at parties.
Rule #2: Don't "try to be helpful" without asking first (and of course any decent host will refuse), nevermind with something obviously breakable and likely irreplaceable (obvious if you're not hammered, that is) . You're the guest, so relax and let the host refill the punch, clear the plates, etc.
"Recently, I broke a plate that belonged to a friend’s dead father. I drunkenly insisted on taking the pieces home ..."
Just a suggestion. Maybe you should consider not getting so drunk at parties that you break stuff. Way too many of your columns seem to take as a given that the reason to go to a party is to get smashed. Accidents happen, but clumsiness while drunk is not an "accident" --...+READ
"Recently, I broke a plate that belonged to a friend’s dead father. I drunkenly insisted on taking the pieces home ..."
Just a suggestion. Maybe you should consider not getting so drunk at parties that you break stuff. Way too many of your columns seem to take as a given that the reason to go to a party is to get smashed. Accidents happen, but clumsiness while drunk is not an "accident" -- it's a foreseeable result of the choice to drink too much.
Anyway, for once I think Helena's advice is pretty good (actually, she's been getting better recently -- maybe she's learned something from all the comments). In the case of the heirloom punch bowl, I'd probably buy the nicest one I could afford, and send it with a note saying something like "I know this can't replace your treasured heirloom, but maybe you can make some new memories with this." A check or gift certificate is just tacky -- it makes it look as if you're putting a pricetag on her memories. But be sure to include a gift receipt so she can exchange it if she chooses!-COLLAPSE