The Chillax Conundrum

Published on Wednesday, July 15, 2009, by Helena Echlin / Edit Post

Dear Helena,

I have a lot of friends, I play Ultimate Frisbee every Saturday, and I’m also in a band. Every once in a while, I need time to stay home, catch up on chores, and recharge. But when a friend wants to hang out on a night I’ve scheduled for myself, I can never bring myself to say, “Sorry, I can’t come over for dinner, I plan to finish my library book in the bath.” So I end up hanging out with the person and resenting it. Is there a polite way to decline an invitation from someone you care about when the reason is you just want to chill by yourself? —Bubble Bath and Chardonnay

Dear Bubble Bath and Chardonnay,

There’s nothing wrong with turning a friend down to be alone and recharge your battery. The question is how much information to give, and whether to lie or not. Saying something like “I have a family emergency” or “I have prior dinner plans” seems like a fail-safe way to get what you want. But it’s too risky.

Now that people are constantly broadcasting what they’re doing via Twitter, Facebook, and so on, you could be caught in a white lie. It’s pretty embarrassing if you say you’re completely slammed at work and then after a few glasses of Chardonnay post a Facebook update that says: “Susan is chillaxin’.” Plus, your friend might try, in good faith, to find a way to fit in to your plans. For instance, if you say you have a prior dinner engagement and your friend suggests an apéritif.

I asked readers of the Kitchn what they thought about this week’s topic. Angorian put it thus: “If you don’t provide a reason, there’s nothing to discuss and you don’t need to defend your choice.” Tiamat_the_Red suggests the vague, “I’m sorry, I have other plans that evening.” Rucy says: “No one needs to know what else I’m doing, my private time is my own, thankyouverymuch!”

I disagree. If you refuse a close friend’s invite to dinner, you owe him or her a little more explanation. Tell the truth, and your friend is more likely to accept it. For instance: “I’ve been crazy busy this week and I need a little time to myself.” It helps if you have a simple code phrase that your friends all understand. One woman I know says, “I have a date with myself,” when she needs to curl up on her couch. I’ve heard it before, and I just accept it as part of who she is.

When you refuse, don’t dither. “Um, I’m just kind of into staying home tonight” makes it seem like you’re not that psyched about hanging out alone, and you would go out if the right invitation came along. And sound upbeat; otherwise the friend might think you need somebody to pull you out of a funk.

Be aware that some people may still argue with you, or show that they feel rejected or a little hurt, especially if they’re extroverts who don’t understand the need for alone time. Be firm but loving. Thank them for their offer. Refer to the next time you’ll hang out, in an enthusiastic fashion: “See you at John’s barbecue on Saturday!”

Finally, don’t share your evening’s agenda: “I’m going to give myself a home pedicure while I watch Entourage.” It’s one thing to turn down dinner with your friend because you need to drink deep from the well of solitude, but quite another to do so because you need to file your nails.

CHOW’s Table Manners column appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.

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POST A COMMENT |23 Comments

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  • I thought the reader was asking, if she wanted to get OUT of plans that she had initiated previously, rather than turning down an invitation.

    This is a huge problem for me and my friends. My friend will initiate plans (like trying out a new restaurant), she'll plan the day early in advance but then call me a few hours before we're scheduled and cancel.

    Has happened with more than one friend...+READ

    I thought the reader was asking, if she wanted to get OUT of plans that she had initiated previously, rather than turning down an invitation.

    This is a huge problem for me and my friends. My friend will initiate plans (like trying out a new restaurant), she'll plan the day early in advance but then call me a few hours before we're scheduled and cancel.

    Has happened with more than one friend on more than one occasion...
    Advice??

    Am I doing something to lead them on??-COLLAPSE

  • This is a huge issue for me. I live in a small resort town and my industry (timeshare sales and marketing) is chock-full of hyper-social people. My social life is overloaded in the spring, summer and fall. In winter, I try to take a break.
    I have tried the honesty route and most of the time the inviter will try to jostle me out of my "funk". I find that a tactful lie works very well as it gets...+READ

    This is a huge issue for me. I live in a small resort town and my industry (timeshare sales and marketing) is chock-full of hyper-social people. My social life is overloaded in the spring, summer and fall. In winter, I try to take a break.
    I have tried the honesty route and most of the time the inviter will try to jostle me out of my "funk". I find that a tactful lie works very well as it gets the job done & there are none of the 'are you ok' variety of questions to wade through, and reassurances to make.
    My close friends understand and accept my need to have alone time, but I really don't feel obligated to go through the whole 3 ring circus of explanations, refusals & the afore-mentioned reassurances with folk I am not so intimate with. I came to the decision that this was the right way to proceed when an aquaintance told me to "suck it up" (!!!) and come to her party. I was absolutely FLOORED!
    And no, I didn't go.-COLLAPSE

  • I don't understand the whole idea that you owe someone an explanation to begin with. I certainly agree that lying is not the right way to go, but just saying, "You know, Thursday would really be better for me," should be sufficient. I would never expect someone to tell me why they couldn't see me unless we had already scheduled to see one another, and I don't think we have to tell other people...+READ

    I don't understand the whole idea that you owe someone an explanation to begin with. I certainly agree that lying is not the right way to go, but just saying, "You know, Thursday would really be better for me," should be sufficient. I would never expect someone to tell me why they couldn't see me unless we had already scheduled to see one another, and I don't think we have to tell other people what we're doing all the time. Obviously facebook and twitter disagree with me :)-COLLAPSE

  • No need for a hard lie. Say "I'm bushed from a long week/day at work and I need to recharge my batteries." Now that dosen't mean you can't play video games (though that seems kind of trite), or read a book, or go out for a run, or out for a casual dinner (bringing the subject back to chow). I'm tired shuts down the conversation and the options unless that person you're inviting might want to come...+READ

    No need for a hard lie. Say "I'm bushed from a long week/day at work and I need to recharge my batteries." Now that dosen't mean you can't play video games (though that seems kind of trite), or read a book, or go out for a run, or out for a casual dinner (bringing the subject back to chow). I'm tired shuts down the conversation and the options unless that person you're inviting might want to come over and sleep with you!-COLLAPSE

  • I've never had someone object to me saying "I'm staying in/playing video games/sleeping". Nor have I objected in the reverse. I can't see that it's really a big deal.

  • "It's a me night, thanks for the invite!" I have NO problem with this... My friends have no problem accepting this(thank god) For persistent friends, I politely remind them that my weeks are hectic, and I need time to catch up on the little things in life. (like laundry & cats)

  • Oh, you're bringing out the mama in me! I know you're generally much better and more suave than me in social situations, but be careful about yourself

  • "If you refuse a close friend’s invite to dinner, you owe him or her a little more explanation."
    I'm a little astonished and, feel a tad sorry for you, that your experience of friendship is so full of emotional usury.

  • saacnmama: Thanks for the supportive comment! It's true that most of my friends are quite supportive, especially regarding my health issues, but a few of them - very healthy people, usually, with little experience with exposure to chronic health conditions - really don't understand, or choose to ignore that I have health issues as I suspect it threatens some facet of their world view that they're...+READ

    saacnmama: Thanks for the supportive comment! It's true that most of my friends are quite supportive, especially regarding my health issues, but a few of them - very healthy people, usually, with little experience with exposure to chronic health conditions - really don't understand, or choose to ignore that I have health issues as I suspect it threatens some facet of their world view that they're not ready to yet have challenged.

    I'm lucky now that the vast majority of my friends and family are fantastic, and I really can't complain!-COLLAPSE

  • Vorpal, from the comments you've made on chow about your health, I have a hard time seeing how anybody who's your friend and cares about you wouldn't be able understand when you need to have some time out!

  • I'm with the people who believe honesty is the best policy. Everything else reeks of a course called "lying 101." And to reiterate 1 or 2 posters' thought: did this really merit a column?

  • I completely disagree with the notion that you "owe" your friend an explanation. How you schedule your time is your own business. All you owe them is a polite expression of gratitude for the invitation.

    Given that many will not view an evening at home as an important plan, giving out this information when declining can potentially either lead to offending your friend or giving them a point of...+READ

    I completely disagree with the notion that you "owe" your friend an explanation. How you schedule your time is your own business. All you owe them is a polite expression of gratitude for the invitation.

    Given that many will not view an evening at home as an important plan, giving out this information when declining can potentially either lead to offending your friend or giving them a point of leverage to continue insisting that you come. While you may feel comfortable telling a friend you just need to have a night on your own and that's fine if they'll understand it, you definitely shouldn't feel obligated to share this information.-COLLAPSE

  • I need a lot of time to myself, and most of my loved ones are quite understanding of that. There are, however, an extremely extroverted few who simply cannot wrap their mind around this fact and take my occasional preference to spend a night alone recharging over seeing them as a huge insult, no matter how much I try to explain to them. For these people, I've figured that it's just easier to tell...+READ

    I need a lot of time to myself, and most of my loved ones are quite understanding of that. There are, however, an extremely extroverted few who simply cannot wrap their mind around this fact and take my occasional preference to spend a night alone recharging over seeing them as a huge insult, no matter how much I try to explain to them. For these people, I've figured that it's just easier to tell a white lie than repeatedly go through the drama. I also disagree that this is any indication that they're not good friends; we're all very different and all have certain mental blocks and difficulties, and this is theirs; I have my own (completely unrelated), which they tolerate and cater to as well.-COLLAPSE

  • I agree with being honest. However "i've scheduled" doesn't seem right to me, too regimented.

    Please, do not abuse the family emergency thing. Ever. Never is it every an appropriate time to joke about such things.

    "i'm really tired" or "I don't feel up to going" or "I don't feel well" can mean a multitude of things and encompass the mental health evening, without going into detail.

  • Creating false excuses or flat out ignoring invites is one of my pet peeves. It just creates a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings and drama. Sure, I might be disappointed for a short time if a friend says "maybe another time?" Otherwise I'm just left wondering why someone who is supposedly a close friend can't just be honest with me. Unfortunately, most of the people who do this are repeat...+READ

    Creating false excuses or flat out ignoring invites is one of my pet peeves. It just creates a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings and drama. Sure, I might be disappointed for a short time if a friend says "maybe another time?" Otherwise I'm just left wondering why someone who is supposedly a close friend can't just be honest with me. Unfortunately, most of the people who do this are repeat offenders.-COLLAPSE

  • My friends and I do this all the time. We don't need code phrases or silly excuses. Someone asks about going out and the other person says, no thanks, I really wanted to stay home. We're grownups, no fuss, no drama, no lies. I don't know what the big deal is or why this merited a column.

  • "Thanks for the invitation, but I really need some solo time." How hard is that?

  • I'm usually honest in this situation. I'm normally pretty busy and most people understand if I tell them that I'm exhausted and want to stay home. I also try to suggest other plans in the near future.

  • My mother has put in her date book "the captain" every Friday night. This way she can open it up, see that that night is booked and apologize and make another date. But she still gets her weekly night to herself. Seems reasonable to have some sort of blanket but not too deep excuse. Some people are way way touchy about being turned down.

  • Regardless of how your turn them down I think being honest is much better than a "white lie". Why is that even necessary? I agree that a good friend will know me well enough to not get hurt feelings when I say - I'd love to hang with you some time soon but I need a night at home.

  • If you're close friends with someone, you should be able to be honest with them and expect them to understand. If you can't, you're not really that close, right?

  • Whatever "reason" you give to turn them down, you should always thank them genuinely for the invitation.

  • I've never been so popular that this was a huge problem for me, but I do remember my college bf laughing when I told him I couldn't come over because I had to sort out the extension cords in my dorm room. He got over it, but many miles down the road I can that may've been a bit TMI.

    Still, I don't see why any of us owes a friend anything beyond "oh, I'm sorry, but I've really got to get some...+READ

    I've never been so popular that this was a huge problem for me, but I do remember my college bf laughing when I told him I couldn't come over because I had to sort out the extension cords in my dorm room. He got over it, but many miles down the road I can that may've been a bit TMI.

    Still, I don't see why any of us owes a friend anything beyond "oh, I'm sorry, but I've really got to get some down time" followed by a comment re: the next time we will see each other, as you suggest or just "how 'bout next weekend?"-COLLAPSE