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Dear Helena,
I’ve been asked to stay at somebody’s house in the Hamptons for the weekend. What can I do to be a great houseguest? Should I bring wine or flowers? Do I offer to cook a meal? And what’s a classy way to say thank you afterwards? Not to sound overly calculating, but their house is right on the beach, so I’ll definitely be angling for a return invite. —Three-Day Weekend
Dear Three-Day Weekend,
I showed up at a Hamptons “cottage” once clutching a $15 Sauvignon Blanc. My gift seemed a little paltry when the host’s personal wine dealer showed up with a case of boutique wines. Flowers may not impress your host much either, says Sophie Donelson, editor in chief of Hamptons Cottages & Gardens magazine. “Many people have lush, amazing gardens in their backyards.”
Avoid bric-a-brac. It’s always hard to judge what will fit in with someone’s aesthetic. Kimberly Kimball, a mother in Long Island, says guests at her second home in Miami have bought “glass salt and pepper shakers or a teeny little hand-painted bud vase that was not my taste.”
Instead, consider a homemade gift—it will look thoughtful and have the added benefit of being inexpensive. Tie a ribbon around a jar of jam you made, or deliver a bottle of DIY bitters to jazz up cocktails. If your host is figure-conscious, it’s better if your gift is healthy. “A lot of people keep fit during the summer and don’t want a big box of fudge lying around,” says Donelson. For instance, make granola (which really isn’t all that healthy, but people think it is, and it happens to be trendy right now). Or bring a pretty tin of homemade spice mix like dukkah, or a condiment like shallot-tarragon jam that your host can use to dress up her tofu and steamed veggies.
As with a dinner party, you should always offer to help, even if you know the host would never let you. If the host declines your offer, don’t push it: When someone’s busy in the kitchen, he might not want to stop and explain how to devein shrimp.
If you really want to be of use, offer to take on your own discrete task over the weekend, like making pancakes for breakfast one morning or a special summer cocktail. You can certainly volunteer to prepare an entire meal; just know that while this will delight some hosts, others might not want to relinquish kitchen control.
In general, it’s good manners at the end of the weekend to strip the bed and offer to throw the sheets in the washing machine. But in wealthier homes, it’s best to ask first. Donelson recalls, “Once I removed the sheets from the bed and put them in the laundry basket thinking it would be a big help, but it confused their cleaning lady.”
Flowers are a classy way to say thank you. Though your host might not need them at his summer house, he’ll appreciate having them at his office. Send them on Monday, so he can enjoy them for a few days. Don’t send them later in the week, like on Thursday, says Donelson, because if your host is successful enough, he’ll already be on his way back to the summer house.
If you don’t have extra cash for flowers, it’s also perfectly OK to send an email, provided your email is thoughtful. As with any thank-you note, be specific about what you enjoyed—perhaps something you can’t do in the city, like admiring the stars.
Finally, if the summer house in question is in the Hamptons, Donelson says, the biggest thank-you of all these days is “finding a buyer for the house you’re staying at. A lot of people are desperate to find a broker that can sell their house.” Of course, if you’re angling for a return invite, that’s shooting yourself in the foot.
you for got to mention the importance of showing up on time so your host is not left waiting around the house all day for your arrival.
shago, I'm surprized to hear you say that many folks would like to be New Yorkers!
I suppose some of my colleagues in academia would like the big city, but they are by no means most of the people I know. Most folks I know, far away from New York, see NYC as evil in many ways and would do whatever they could to avoid going there.
Still, can ignore the vacation location and just talk about the...+READ
shago, I'm surprized to hear you say that many folks would like to be New Yorkers!
I suppose some of my colleagues in academia would like the big city, but they are by no means most of the people I know. Most folks I know, far away from New York, see NYC as evil in many ways and would do whatever they could to avoid going there.
Still, can ignore the vacation location and just talk about the hostess gift dilemma, please? Last Christmas I took my son to visit the family in Switzerland where I had been an exchange student many years ago. The wine from the region of Gemany we're living in was too expensive for me to get an extra bottle to taste it--big mistake! It was so nasty my host mother suggested pulling out the remains of the bottle of 'corked' wine from the night before! (Locations are actual and not intended to be snobby in any way)-COLLAPSE
I like the idea of offering to watch the hosts' kids so they can either go play tennis one afternoon, or go out to dinner in the evening. Very thoughtful.
The best thing you can do is to be a delightful, appreciative and engaged guest that makes the stay pleasant for your host.
Beyond that, lets bring this back to chow: can we assume the host is a foodie? If you are coming a distance, how about something that is considered local fare from where you are? A well known specialty shop? A regional delicacy?
If I've never been to the persons house...+READ
The best thing you can do is to be a delightful, appreciative and engaged guest that makes the stay pleasant for your host.
Beyond that, lets bring this back to chow: can we assume the host is a foodie? If you are coming a distance, how about something that is considered local fare from where you are? A well known specialty shop? A regional delicacy?
If I've never been to the persons house before and don't know very much about them personally, I always think a present afterwards is best. That way you get to know their style, who they are, what they're interested in. They love antiques? A reference book is great. They like to fly fish? Then one great lure is a nice addition. That little gift, plus a note of thanks and if appropriate a reciprocal invitation leaves a great, lasting impression...-COLLAPSE
It is more important to be a good weekend host. If I am gracing a host's home with my presence, and making their lives more fun and more interesting, it is the host who must make my stay as pleasant as possible.
This is a bizarre thread. If you're a guest at someone's home for the weekend, the drill's the same, no matter the value of the real estate. Offer to help cook, take the hosts out for a meal, whatever you can do to say thank you. Forget the perceived price tag.
Thank you, Ruth. You said it far better than I did!
"2. There're lots of folks in the U.S.A. who'd *like* to be New Yorkers..."
Not as many a NYer's think -- that's just one more thing that's so annoying about them (I'm from the SF Bay Area, and I know we can be guilty of being smug about where we live, too).
I totally agree with all the people who complained that this question was overly Hamptons focused, and that it implied being invited...+READ
"2. There're lots of folks in the U.S.A. who'd *like* to be New Yorkers..."
Not as many a NYer's think -- that's just one more thing that's so annoying about them (I'm from the SF Bay Area, and I know we can be guilty of being smug about where we live, too).
I totally agree with all the people who complained that this question was overly Hamptons focused, and that it implied being invited to be a guest at a swanky beach house was somehow different from being invited to be a guest somewhere less posh.
Manners are manners, and the ultimate in bad manners is to differentiate between people with lots of money and people with less.-COLLAPSE
Now, I'm feeling a little guilty.
Indeed, New York City is the focus of a whole lotta buzz -- all the time. There are clear reasons for this:
1. NYC is a city of 8 million souls, many of whom have a whole lotta disposable income (advertisers wanna focus on this in any way possible)
2. There're lots of folks in the U.S.A. who'd *like* to be New Yorkers (I am by birth but have relocated...+READ
Now, I'm feeling a little guilty.
Indeed, New York City is the focus of a whole lotta buzz -- all the time. There are clear reasons for this:
1. NYC is a city of 8 million souls, many of whom have a whole lotta disposable income (advertisers wanna focus on this in any way possible)
2. There're lots of folks in the U.S.A. who'd *like* to be New Yorkers (I am by birth but have relocated "to the country"). Again, good image-makers for advertised brands use this as a marketing tool.-COLLAPSE
Thanks, saacnmama. I am duly chastised. I see the error of my ways and won't be making similar posts in the future, that's for sure!
Why do you folks insist on making this be about the Hamptons?
The column is based on the notion that letters--real or imaginary--present real dilemmas, to which the columnist and commenters respond. You can't take a vacation to nowhere, so she chose a spot, probably focusing more on the thought that in a traditional vacation place, people are more likely to be aware of tradition and trying to...+READ
Why do you folks insist on making this be about the Hamptons?
The column is based on the notion that letters--real or imaginary--present real dilemmas, to which the columnist and commenters respond. You can't take a vacation to nowhere, so she chose a spot, probably focusing more on the thought that in a traditional vacation place, people are more likely to be aware of tradition and trying to respect it than on the incomes of property owners. There should be no question that owners of small homes in the middle of the country or renters in the Garment District or anywhere else should be loved and respected by friends they invite to visit!-COLLAPSE
Please see my last paragraph. Perhaps I didn't acknowledge this point strenuously enough.
If I got too far off topic , my apologies.
Thanks.
@ juliasqueezer: about the topic, you're viewing the glass half empty. A lot of good points are being made that can apply to any one who's being a guest in someone's vacation home.
A little late to the party, but I just had to pop in here to voice my total agreement with lindygal (July 11 post).
The New-York-Centric-ness of some of this stuff is similar to watching any of the network morning news shows, who go into great detail about the weather in New York and then sort of wave their hands over the map of the rest of the country, saying "Oh, well, some rain over here...+READ
A little late to the party, but I just had to pop in here to voice my total agreement with lindygal (July 11 post).
The New-York-Centric-ness of some of this stuff is similar to watching any of the network morning news shows, who go into great detail about the weather in New York and then sort of wave their hands over the map of the rest of the country, saying "Oh, well, some rain over here and some wind down there, and that's the weather forecast for today!" Are they not aware that they have a national audience?
Or Martha Stewart telling us we can get these wonderful, rare ingredients that are absolutely required to make this delicious whatever, at a tiny little market on 46th Street. Is she not aware that her show is has a national audience?
How to be a good guest in the Hamptons. Are YOU not aware that this wesite has a worldwide audience? Do you think everyone aspires to visit the Hamptons? Is it due to a writer's never leaving a regional comfort zone? Or is that you don't care?
Yes, I do get that the suggestions are applicable to any weekend guesting situation. I'm just tired of New York being the focus of everything, when there is a whole big country out there, and shouldn't we count, too?
Julia-COLLAPSE
lisavf, that's a great idea.
We're going to spend most of next week with some friends at their new vacation place. The last time we visited them (at their home) ... we were generally lousy guests, for various reasons. I'm hoping to make it up to them this visit with:
Either a flower vase or a cheese tray/dome (along with flowers or cheeses picked up in local shops)
Taking care of their kids...+READ
lisavf, that's a great idea.
We're going to spend most of next week with some friends at their new vacation place. The last time we visited them (at their home) ... we were generally lousy guests, for various reasons. I'm hoping to make it up to them this visit with:
Either a flower vase or a cheese tray/dome (along with flowers or cheeses picked up in local shops)
Taking care of their kids while they go out one night
Asking them to help me pick my favorite wine in the area, by buying several decent local bottles to drink together
Taking along a couple recipes and asking which they'd prefer I prepare for dinner.
Comments/suggestions, anyone?-COLLAPSE
I just spent a week at a friend's vacation home, and while there I made sure to help with the everyday maintenance duties (i.e., helping to keep common areas straightened up). As a thank-you gift, I plan to print and frame one of the photographs I took during my stay, nothing too fancy, maybe one I had taken of the two of us together, or one of some nice scenery in the area. I have often given...+READ
I just spent a week at a friend's vacation home, and while there I made sure to help with the everyday maintenance duties (i.e., helping to keep common areas straightened up). As a thank-you gift, I plan to print and frame one of the photographs I took during my stay, nothing too fancy, maybe one I had taken of the two of us together, or one of some nice scenery in the area. I have often given framed photos as gifts, usually a photo of the host(s), and they are always well-received.-COLLAPSE
That's an extremely thoughtful idea, schon_sein, I'm going to do that from now on, too. Thanks for the great idea.
I agree with inexpensive, but thoughtful. I imagine it would be nice to know when guests notice you, the host, and not just the view. :)
Something I try to do - if I ever stay with people with pets, I bring a little something for the pet as well as a thank-you of a human variety. A rawhide bone, gourmet doggie treats or catnip mouse has never failed to please my friends, both two and four...+READ
I agree with inexpensive, but thoughtful. I imagine it would be nice to know when guests notice you, the host, and not just the view. :)
Something I try to do - if I ever stay with people with pets, I bring a little something for the pet as well as a thank-you of a human variety. A rawhide bone, gourmet doggie treats or catnip mouse has never failed to please my friends, both two and four legged.-COLLAPSE
maplesugar's right, of course, real estate value should have no bearing on what you bring or do for your host, and you do have to send a written thank you afterward.
I'm with Val55 on this one. I think an inexpensive but thoughtful gift will be much more appreciated than the generic flowers/wine that people tend to suggest as the go-to gifts. While my friends aren't of the Hamptons elite, I know that neither flowers/wine would necessarily be great choices. Some are picky about wine, others don't drink wine at all, and many have various pollen allergies so...+READ
I'm with Val55 on this one. I think an inexpensive but thoughtful gift will be much more appreciated than the generic flowers/wine that people tend to suggest as the go-to gifts. While my friends aren't of the Hamptons elite, I know that neither flowers/wine would necessarily be great choices. Some are picky about wine, others don't drink wine at all, and many have various pollen allergies so flowers would make them (or their children) miserable.-COLLAPSE
I would be surprised if a good host would not appreciate a decent if not expensive bottle of wine, if nothing else he can let the "help" enjoy it. Some other proprietary liquor might also work well. Ive not been to the Hamptons, but ended up at someone's ski lodge one weekend and found the bottle of Bailey's I brought was much appreciated. Flowers afterward are a great idea, of course you may...+READ
I would be surprised if a good host would not appreciate a decent if not expensive bottle of wine, if nothing else he can let the "help" enjoy it. Some other proprietary liquor might also work well. Ive not been to the Hamptons, but ended up at someone's ski lodge one weekend and found the bottle of Bailey's I brought was much appreciated. Flowers afterward are a great idea, of course you may have to send them to both the host and hostess' work places. Something to snack on may or may not be a good idea depending on your host's personal dietary needs. But I would think that anyone you know well enough to earn a weekend invitation from is someone that you would know has an alergy to chocolate or whatever. Finally if you know someone else who has earned a weekend there you might ask them what would be appropriate.-COLLAPSE
maplesugar, you hit the nail on the head. It's someone's home in any event, but why should it be any different because the "haves" have bestowed upon a "have not" ? It smacks of how they have lowered themselves, and you'd better damn well appreciate it and go through hoops for the amazing opportunity, however if invited to a fellow "have not" home, it's ok to bring $5 plonk, because hey, you...+READ
maplesugar, you hit the nail on the head. It's someone's home in any event, but why should it be any different because the "haves" have bestowed upon a "have not" ? It smacks of how they have lowered themselves, and you'd better damn well appreciate it and go through hoops for the amazing opportunity, however if invited to a fellow "have not" home, it's ok to bring $5 plonk, because hey, you don't need to "impress" them.
And if a host is underwhelmed by something like flowers, and will only be impressed by a case of fine wines, well I might be giving a little thought to whether to visit at all.-COLLAPSE
Few of us are ever likely to be i this situation. I live in Chicago -- who would I know in the Hamptons, and why would I care about weekends there?? Really, now. If you're going to tackle the question of what's appropriate for a weekend invitation, the least you could do is to make it relevant to the majority of us, not the spoiled, overindulged, self-important minority that already gets way too...+READ
Few of us are ever likely to be i this situation. I live in Chicago -- who would I know in the Hamptons, and why would I care about weekends there?? Really, now. If you're going to tackle the question of what's appropriate for a weekend invitation, the least you could do is to make it relevant to the majority of us, not the spoiled, overindulged, self-important minority that already gets way too much attention. Get a clue: time to end this pointless focus on celebrity and status and be useful to normal people, eh? Or we'll have precious little use for *you.*-COLLAPSE
I don't care where it is you're invited to stay over 1M house or your best friends 4th storey walk up. The proper thing to do is come with a host/ess gift and follow up with a handwritten thank you.
If you know how to cook or have a special cocktail by all means any host will appreciate the benefits of your culinary expertise. Hamptons farms stands and farmers markets are a great place to buy local and in-season ingredients. My site has lots of seasonal (and easy) recipes -- I cook with local eggs, cheese, fruits and vegetables, meats, chicken, honey, vinegar, wine from the north and south...+READ
If you know how to cook or have a special cocktail by all means any host will appreciate the benefits of your culinary expertise. Hamptons farms stands and farmers markets are a great place to buy local and in-season ingredients. My site has lots of seasonal (and easy) recipes -- I cook with local eggs, cheese, fruits and vegetables, meats, chicken, honey, vinegar, wine from the north and south forks. Signed LightheartedLocavore-COLLAPSE
For goodness sake, "The Hamptons?" What is this: "Sex and The City" circa 1998?
Note to self: DO send a handwritten note when staying in Hamptons or in home worth more than 1M.
Excuse me?
The best present I ever received from a houseguest, who stayed over for a week, was dinner every night. He absolutely refused to allow me to pay for dinner and left the options up to me. We ended up having great meals together. Now that's a guest I wouldn't mind coming around again!
I agree with val55- after all, this is a deluxe accomodation.
Also, given that, you don't want to look like you couldn't be bothered to make the effort to send a hand-written thank you note.
And I hate to be the no-don't-do-this harpy without having a good suggestion, but I've always been overwhelmed by the thought of adequately expressing my thanks, so I'm looking forward to seeing what...+READ
I agree with val55- after all, this is a deluxe accomodation.
Also, given that, you don't want to look like you couldn't be bothered to make the effort to send a hand-written thank you note.
And I hate to be the no-don't-do-this harpy without having a good suggestion, but I've always been overwhelmed by the thought of adequately expressing my thanks, so I'm looking forward to seeing what others suggest. Homemade condiments are always welcome, for sure, but seems inadequate by themselves.-COLLAPSE
Flowers and a hand-written thank-you as a follow-up, for sure. If you have no idea what the hosts interests are, or what the home is like other than being beachfront, I'd suggest an illustrated book, not necessarily huge but suitable for perusing on inclement days, on shells, the sea, or the history of the area. Be observant during your stay, and make a note of ideas for future houseguest gifts.
It's really hard to recommend gifts when you don't know the recipient. Unless you are a friend of a friend, you do know the recipient and should spend some time thinking of what they would like. A thoughtful gift, no matter what the price, always makes a favorable impression.
Also consider taking them out for a meal. A weekend in the Hamptons is very nice and well worth the cost of a meal out....+READ
It's really hard to recommend gifts when you don't know the recipient. Unless you are a friend of a friend, you do know the recipient and should spend some time thinking of what they would like. A thoughtful gift, no matter what the price, always makes a favorable impression.
Also consider taking them out for a meal. A weekend in the Hamptons is very nice and well worth the cost of a meal out. A jar of jam does not cut it IMHO.-COLLAPSE
A thank you note should always be handwritten -- an email it takes you a minute to write and send looks like you can't be bothered.
I like shaogo's ideas -- those are the kinds of things that can be served in different times and in different ways: breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour, after dinner, etc. or kept for the host's personal use. When you have a vacation house, it's always good to have...+READ
A thank you note should always be handwritten -- an email it takes you a minute to write and send looks like you can't be bothered.
I like shaogo's ideas -- those are the kinds of things that can be served in different times and in different ways: breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour, after dinner, etc. or kept for the host's personal use. When you have a vacation house, it's always good to have something you can put out when someone drops in, or when an activity segues into drinks and snacks.-COLLAPSE
Timely advice. However, if you're staying in the _Hamptons_ I just don't think a thank-you email is appropriate. Send a hand-written note.
My favorite Hamptons hostess gift is a bag full of goodies from Barney Greengrass (smoked fish/caviar), or if they're not into that sorta stuff for brunch, some good cheese and charcuterie.