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Dear Helena,
When I’m invited to dinner, I always ask, “What can I bring?” Last time I asked this question, the hostess replied, “Can you bring bread, like some nice artisan sourdough?” Forty-five minutes before dinner, right when I was about to jump in the shower, she called and said, “Would you mind picking up some tonic water?” I felt she should have called one of the other guests (and let me choose what kind of freakin’ baguette to buy). But then again, I did ask. Who was right, and who was wrong? —No Time for My Toilette
Dear No Time for My Toilette,
Most people think it’s polite to ask “What can I bring?” before a dinner party. But as Chowhounds demonstrate on this thread, people disagree on what the host can politely request in reply.
Some, myself included, feel the right answer is “Just yourself”—or, at most, “Wine or beer would be great.” (Although even if the host says, “Nothing,” well-mannered guests shouldn’t show up empty-handed; always bring wine or a small gift.)
However, some people feel differently. Amy Sugin, an educational administrator in New York, says most of the dinners she attends are to celebrate the Jewish Sabbath: “There is a tremendous amount of cooking and sharing meals all the time. ... People are constantly making meals and being invited to meals, and so it’s very accepted to help out as much as possible.”
If asked to bring something besides wine, here are some easy compromises.
Dessert: Buy It. Sometimes, if a host knows you’re a great cook, he’ll hint that he’d like you to produce one of your specialties. Aran Goyoaga, creator of the blog Cannelle et Vanille, says that as an avid pastry chef, she’s happy to bring dessert, but hosts shouldn’t expect her to whip up something from scratch. She keeps a few things ready-made in the freezer for such occasions: “I always have macaroons or a log of cookie dough.” But otherwise, it’s fine to pick up ice cream on the way.
Salad: Make It Simple. It doesn’t have to be a seasonal masterpiece with grilled apricots and homemade brioche croutons. If the host has a problem with bottled dressing, then you won’t be asked to bring a salad again next time.
Artisanal Sourdough: Ignore the Specifics. Even if your host happens to mention that cute little bakery by name (the one with no parking), just bring a baguette of your choice from a store that is convenient to you. Similarly, if you’re asked to bring “Argentinean Malbec,” simply bring some red wine.
If you get roped into bringing any of these items, that should count as your host gift; you need not bring designer chocolates as well. And if you’re unwilling or unable to do any of the above, there’s a simple solution: Instead of asking what you can bring, ask, “Would you prefer red or white?”
My conundrum is with dessert. When I have a dinner party and someone asks what to bring I usually just say "yourself or something special you might want to drink" (we're not huge drinkers nor our most of our friends). One of my friends will say "what are you making" and hear me say what we've made for dessert but that doesn't stop her from bringing an assortment of tarts, etc., from a local...+READ
My conundrum is with dessert. When I have a dinner party and someone asks what to bring I usually just say "yourself or something special you might want to drink" (we're not huge drinkers nor our most of our friends). One of my friends will say "what are you making" and hear me say what we've made for dessert but that doesn't stop her from bringing an assortment of tarts, etc., from a local bakery. I find it a bit annoying that she asks but then does her own thing.
Additionally with my mother in law, she might ask us to make a certain dessert (not a problem) but then when we get there it's clear that 3-4 other (mostly store or bakery bought) desserts are there and what we thought we were bringing would be the "highlight" if you will, it's not. Frankly in that case I'd rather not make what she's asking since it's not worth all that effort only to be one of several choices.-COLLAPSE
p.s. Houseguests shouldn't just bring a sack of potatoes and a few ears of corn; they should help prepare or clean up as well!
I'm late to this party. I read all the way through the comments before seeing that Miriam O's comment reflects my first reaction: bringing a hostess gift does not mean it has to be served right away.
When I bring a bottle of wine to a casual party of mix-&-match appetizers, I figure it can be opened when someone's eating something it pairs well with, or when another similar bottle is empty, but...+READ
I'm late to this party. I read all the way through the comments before seeing that Miriam O's comment reflects my first reaction: bringing a hostess gift does not mean it has to be served right away.
When I bring a bottle of wine to a casual party of mix-&-match appetizers, I figure it can be opened when someone's eating something it pairs well with, or when another similar bottle is empty, but otherwise I suggest the hosts relax with it the next day. If someone brought an unplanned-for dish to a well-planned dinner party, especially if it wasn't heated or in a serving dish, I would think the party-giver could tuck it away with a comment re: how much they'll think of the giver the next day when they enjoy it for lunch.
Ice cream and watermelon (in the summer) are a couple of my favorite things to bring--they don't demand particular go-alongs, but can be served up easily, if the host/ess so desires.-COLLAPSE
If I bring a "hostess gift" I usually just bring some kind of snack the host would like so they can eat that later.
Most people like snacks,teas ect they can use at other times.
I think it would be too imposing to bring a dish if someone already has a meal planned.
It really depends. I don't think it's appropriate either to ask someone to bring a dish or for a guest to bring an dish unless the event is specifically identified as being a potluck. Otherwise, if the hosts say they are inviting people to a meal, they means they are providing the meal.
A guest should bring the hosts a gift that is a true gift, i.e. something that at least theoretically can be...+READ
It really depends. I don't think it's appropriate either to ask someone to bring a dish or for a guest to bring an dish unless the event is specifically identified as being a potluck. Otherwise, if the hosts say they are inviting people to a meal, they means they are providing the meal.
A guest should bring the hosts a gift that is a true gift, i.e. something that at least theoretically can be used for the hosts' personal enjoyment, although of course the hosts may choose to share it with the guests. Something that is meant to be shared with other guests -- including the guest who brought it -- is not a gift!
Calling to ask if a guest could pick-up something should be done in case of an emergency (OMG, my dog stole the bread off the counter, could you pick up a loaf at the bakery nearby on your way?) and with someone you know well or for whom you know it won't be an inconvenience (they can pick it up without particularly going out of their way). I've occasionally called my hostess to say I'm on my way and ask if I could pick-up anything, but I don't think it's mandatory, and if it were something expensive, I'd expect an offer of reimbursement, which I may choose to accept or wave off with "don't worry about it."
I know people in other parts of the country have different customs, as do groups of friends that have developed over the years. But this column is about "etiquette" -- that is, generally accepted practices -- not how it's done among your friends and family and in your community.-COLLAPSE
This is tricky because I think it appropriate for my dinner guests to ask to supply/cook something, or provide a hostess gift. In my group of friends and acquaintances I am the one who enjoys cooking and has an affinity for it, but that doesn't mean there isn't an expense or effort to it. But, I reserve the right to say "thank, but no thanks" when it comes to the dish. The WORST thing is when...+READ
This is tricky because I think it appropriate for my dinner guests to ask to supply/cook something, or provide a hostess gift. In my group of friends and acquaintances I am the one who enjoys cooking and has an affinity for it, but that doesn't mean there isn't an expense or effort to it. But, I reserve the right to say "thank, but no thanks" when it comes to the dish. The WORST thing is when someone shows up with a dish to be served. As someone else commented, I too put a great deal of effort and thought into my menu planning, and even table setting. If I'm having a formal dinner, a plastic dish of jello sticks out like a sore thumb amidst the china and silver.
Asking if you can "pick up" anything is the BEST! I often will forget something minuscule like ice or ice cream and the person who calls at the last moment is a godsend. Also, I appreciate wine or other alcohol very much. Three or four times a year I will have a barbecue or a potluck where I ask people if they'd mind bringing a dish...this is when it is appropriate! Always be polite, but also play the game so that you will get your way. In other words, if you are the guest who asked if you could bring something, and the hostess says "yes," do not begrudge then: you asked! Rather, as pointed out here, give them limiting options like: can I bring some wine, or can I pick up some ice--that way everyone is happy. And, if you're the hostess, you're completely within your rights to say "just bring yourself" as noted above. In fact, I honestly think people ask to bring something out of politeness and are thankful when you say "no."
But, if someone does offer to bring something, I am likely to say "an appetizer would be great." As far as I'm concerned, their offer extended to any dishes. Just because you offer does not mean you get to make the glory-stealing dessert (that irks me!).-COLLAPSE
I think its really important to always bring something, wine I think is the most acceptable and for me is the most appreciated. Music is a good suggestion if you listen to the same type of music as the hostess, otherwise i find it irritating because it can change the ambiance of my gathering, and most importantly the noise level. (I live in an apartment)
However, I do think it is important to...+READ
I think its really important to always bring something, wine I think is the most acceptable and for me is the most appreciated. Music is a good suggestion if you listen to the same type of music as the hostess, otherwise i find it irritating because it can change the ambiance of my gathering, and most importantly the noise level. (I live in an apartment)
However, I do think it is important to check with your host/ess as to which sort of wine to bring, as wine often times can make or break the dining experience. If I am making something spicy, there are a lot of different wines I know will go well, and many more that will irritate the palate.
If you are asking the hostess if you can bring something or if they need help, out of formality and then complain about it later, why bother? The way I see it, is they are taking a lot of time and possibly money to host an event, so anywhere I can help I am glad to.
I have asked guests to bring something here and there, in fact tonight my friend Jin is bringing ice!.. But I always offer to pay them for it no matter how small the amount of money-- which I think is the polite thing to do. Whether or not they take the money is a whole different ball game.-COLLAPSE
I'm with Avalondaughter - I love to entertain, and I love to plan menus, and I don't want your random contribution encroaching on my kitchen-control-freak ways. That said, some foodie friends came for dinner the other night and said "why don't we bring hors d'oeuvres, and how about wine?" I said yes to both, which was novel for me, and it was really quite nice to have a wee bit of help. Perhaps...+READ
I'm with Avalondaughter - I love to entertain, and I love to plan menus, and I don't want your random contribution encroaching on my kitchen-control-freak ways. That said, some foodie friends came for dinner the other night and said "why don't we bring hors d'oeuvres, and how about wine?" I said yes to both, which was novel for me, and it was really quite nice to have a wee bit of help. Perhaps I'm mellowing.
Anyway that's beside the point, which is that it's never rude to offer, it might be rude to consistently turn down the offer, and it's just obnoxious to be put out by a desperate hostess asking you to pick up tonic water on your way. I've had to ask people to do similar things; presumably she thought you were a good enough friend and a nice enough person that she could ask you for help, but apparently she was mistaken.-COLLAPSE
Any time someone asks what they can bring, I always say nothing and people are almost offended.
As I see it, I'm a host. It is my job to feed my guests. Why would I invite people to my home and expect them to bring their own food or beverages?
Besides, I'm also a diva. I want to impress people with what *I* made. I want *my* salad, *my* dinner and *my* dessert to shine. No one should bring...+READ
Any time someone asks what they can bring, I always say nothing and people are almost offended.
As I see it, I'm a host. It is my job to feed my guests. Why would I invite people to my home and expect them to bring their own food or beverages?
Besides, I'm also a diva. I want to impress people with what *I* made. I want *my* salad, *my* dinner and *my* dessert to shine. No one should bring a dessert and outshine the gorgeous chocolate concoction I just whipped up from scratch. Don't you dare!!!!
If people insist, I say wine, but as the author pointed out, that's the polite thing to do anyway.-COLLAPSE
Someone worries about shit like this? Good lord, people need lives.
I must be the only one who totally disagrees with all of this...after a long, enjoyable summer of near weekly get-togethers, I am more than happy to instruct my guests on what to bring, and will happily take instruction as well! I started out being fussy, telling people no. But as the summer has wore on, I've a) pared down my "menu" quite a bit and b) accepted help on a more regular basis. I...+READ
I must be the only one who totally disagrees with all of this...after a long, enjoyable summer of near weekly get-togethers, I am more than happy to instruct my guests on what to bring, and will happily take instruction as well! I started out being fussy, telling people no. But as the summer has wore on, I've a) pared down my "menu" quite a bit and b) accepted help on a more regular basis. I guess part of it is being married to an impoverished law student, and having twentysomething-aged friends in various levels of straight-out-of-college poverty, but I don't believe that any of us really believe that when we grill out together, we are attending a flashy "dinner party." I believe that it is fairly well understood that the hosts will do most of the work to host the party, but that the event is really an excuse to get together, not a ticket for a free meal. We have a hot grill, they BYOM, and we provide sides. It isn't a "pot luck" per se, because we're not explicitly swapping dishes around (they'll eat their M, we'll eat ours, and we share sides).
In the case of this weekend, we'll be asking our friends to bring even more provisions, because they'll be staying with us all weekend. So my request? Corn on the cob for four, and a bag of red potatoes for the big 4th of July sup. Seems like a fair trade for a bed to sleep in, a few breakfasts, a clean bathroom and house, plus someone totally engineering your entire social calendar for a weekend. Not to mention, but I feel awful if I don't bring something, at least alcohol if nothing else, because I know that my friends are not rich enough to feed us as often as we'd like to see each other this summer. If I were hosting a "dinner party" I would not expect anyone to contribute anything, since the focus of the event is the meal, not just socializing generally. But casual get-togethers are another animal entirely.-COLLAPSE
I gave up on bringing wine long ago. For some time now though, I always stop for a seasonal bouquet of flowers for the hostess. Always well recieved. Try it. You'll be astounded by what a hit it is.
Yes, not food, but it's a hit.
I like the suggestion of suggesting bringing something specific to the host. "Can I bring a bottle of red or white?" "Brownies or a baguette?"
This eliminates the hassle of being asked to bring a watermelon (like I was last week!)
I disagree with the suggestion of bringing a random red wine when the host makes a specific request. Maybe that particular wine is what goes with the meal. If you can't - or don't wanna - make the effort, say so; don't get all passive-aggressive about it.
(That said, I would never make such a detailed demand. If something is an important part of the meal, don't delegate - and don't inconvenience...+READ
I disagree with the suggestion of bringing a random red wine when the host makes a specific request. Maybe that particular wine is what goes with the meal. If you can't - or don't wanna - make the effort, say so; don't get all passive-aggressive about it.
(That said, I would never make such a detailed demand. If something is an important part of the meal, don't delegate - and don't inconvenience your guests.)-COLLAPSE
"Wow, another interesting article about the pitfalls of suburbia."
For what it's worth I've lived in parts of NYC (East Bronx, South Bronx, East Harlem, Bushwick, 90's Williamsburg, 80's Lower East Side) where a last-minute request for tonic water would have presented a problem. A lot of low-rent area bodega/groceries would only carry something like Pepsi or Coke products, ten kinds of Snapple...+READ
"Wow, another interesting article about the pitfalls of suburbia."
For what it's worth I've lived in parts of NYC (East Bronx, South Bronx, East Harlem, Bushwick, 90's Williamsburg, 80's Lower East Side) where a last-minute request for tonic water would have presented a problem. A lot of low-rent area bodega/groceries would only carry something like Pepsi or Coke products, ten kinds of Snapple if they carried Pepsi, ten kinds of Tropical Fantasy, maybe Goya or Jarritos soda, but no Canada Dry or Schweppes. Translation: no club soda, no seltzer, no ginger ale, no tonic water, no bitter lemon. And no artisanal sourdough either of course!
I would hope, though, that I'd be good enough friends with the person giving the party that I could just tell them that without it being a problem.-COLLAPSE
im_nomad, CD's have also led to fun music trivia games during parties and many of my guests swap music now by bringing "copies" and such. We even have a few older cd's we use a drink coasters. All around, great fun.
HillJ, I love your suggestion of music. I'm an enthusiastic music consumer, and love to make recommendations and share music with friends that I think they might like. I'm not totally invested in a CD if i give it to a friend, I won't be upset if you don't like it, but most times the friend appreciates it.
A CD is something that requires no fuss on the part of the host, and for the most part...+READ
HillJ, I love your suggestion of music. I'm an enthusiastic music consumer, and love to make recommendations and share music with friends that I think they might like. I'm not totally invested in a CD if i give it to a friend, I won't be upset if you don't like it, but most times the friend appreciates it.
A CD is something that requires no fuss on the part of the host, and for the most part shouldn't cause offence, unless you're sharing some really controversial stuff, doesn't need to be displayed every time the giver arrives on your doorstep, and doesn't take up space in the host's home.
It could also generate some dinner party discussion, or if push comes to shove, serve as a coaster during cocktail hour ! :)-COLLAPSE
It's best to ask a more specific question, such as "Can I bring my favorite wine?" or "X Cheese store is right on my way home. I was thinking about bringing some of that cheese you liked so much at my last dinner party."
You might say I've learned my lesson. Last time I asked my sister if I could bring anything on my way over, she requested a maternity dress she'd seen at a mall!
Re: tonic...+READ
It's best to ask a more specific question, such as "Can I bring my favorite wine?" or "X Cheese store is right on my way home. I was thinking about bringing some of that cheese you liked so much at my last dinner party."
You might say I've learned my lesson. Last time I asked my sister if I could bring anything on my way over, she requested a maternity dress she'd seen at a mall!
Re: tonic water. I'm guilty of doing that! There's always something we've forgotten.-COLLAPSE
I definitely agree there is a difference between the answer to "what can I bring" and the host calling at the last moment because all the tonic water has gone flat and knows you well enough to ask you to pick-up an emergency supply. But I also suspect the host thought you might be stopping on the way to pick up the bread anyhow. I mean, you did still bring the bread you originally agreed to...+READ
I definitely agree there is a difference between the answer to "what can I bring" and the host calling at the last moment because all the tonic water has gone flat and knows you well enough to ask you to pick-up an emergency supply. But I also suspect the host thought you might be stopping on the way to pick up the bread anyhow. I mean, you did still bring the bread you originally agreed to didn't you?-COLLAPSE
Nice article, helpful as usual.
Aw shucks MattInNJ, city folk enjoy pitfalls too!
Wow, another interesting article about the pitfalls of suburbia.
In general, I don't mind being asked to bring something specific, if there is enough time to source and create whatever is requested. Also I have been asked last minute to pick up something on the way and have done -- sometimes grumping. But I do it.
The other side of this issue : a friend's husband is very picky, so she when offers to bring something -- what she really means is can I...+READ
In general, I don't mind being asked to bring something specific, if there is enough time to source and create whatever is requested. Also I have been asked last minute to pick up something on the way and have done -- sometimes grumping. But I do it.
The other side of this issue : a friend's husband is very picky, so she when offers to bring something -- what she really means is can I contribute something to the meal that my husband will actually eat. It used to drive my partner crazy.-COLLAPSE
My mother did that to me every damn time- last minute (like as I'm leaving the house). She had her standards, too. It wasn't enough to pick up any old ice and whipping cream on the way over, I learned early on that she required a specific brand of everything but ice, and she had shape preferences for ice. It really soured me on those last-minute requests big-time. I'm trying to get over myself in...+READ
My mother did that to me every damn time- last minute (like as I'm leaving the house). She had her standards, too. It wasn't enough to pick up any old ice and whipping cream on the way over, I learned early on that she required a specific brand of everything but ice, and she had shape preferences for ice. It really soured me on those last-minute requests big-time. I'm trying to get over myself in that regard.
I'm happy to help you out occasionally, please don't make a habit of it, though, and I'm almost always happy to bring something tasty especially if it isn't totally out of season to make, I did learn that you should offer to bring some __________ rather than ask what you can bring, if possible- cuts down on the surprise demands, like asking me to bring mango salsa that I only use fresh mangoes in, in January .
Asking somebody to bring a nice artisanal sourdough loaf of bread is going overboard by at least two adjectives.-COLLAPSE
As I've said before in other threads, it drives me crazy when my guests insist on bringing food to a party that is not a potluck! I'm a good cook and a good menu planner, and I don't like to be dealing with serving another dish that doesn't fit into the menu and will probably put a glitch in my timing. But, if a guest brings something anyway, with the obvious expectation that it will be served, I...+READ
As I've said before in other threads, it drives me crazy when my guests insist on bringing food to a party that is not a potluck! I'm a good cook and a good menu planner, and I don't like to be dealing with serving another dish that doesn't fit into the menu and will probably put a glitch in my timing. But, if a guest brings something anyway, with the obvious expectation that it will be served, I serve it (this usually means that I need to find a serving plate and utensils, and sometimes also a pan to warm it up in and oven space). So, when I am a guest, I try to bring what I would like to receive: wine (to serve or save for later, host's choice), a small gift, or flowers. I personally don't mind finding a vase and putting flowers in it myself, but I always bring flowers in some vessel that they can stay in (inexpensive vases are always a staple in thrift shops, I tend to stock up, but in a pinch I've used a mason jar or even a plastic bottle cut down to vase size). I often call the host one last time before I leave to ask if there's anything I can pick up on the way, so the last minute request for something easily purchased would not throw me off at all.-COLLAPSE
Bring CD's (music) or bring ice (a CH suggestion I love) but mostly just bring your sense of fun and your appetite.
I agree with Originalfig - this sounds like a last-minute favor for convenience's sake rather than a "I need you to bring something substantial" request. And really, I'm not sure what the poster is put out about - how much time does it take to pick up a bottle of tonic water at the store?
It sounds to me like the hostess forgot to stock up on tonic water and was calling to ask a favor. This is a bit different, I think, from the etiquette of what to plan to bring to a party-- more like, "ack, I forgot the (fill in the blank here), who can I call to help me out??" In this case you are helping someone out of a bind, not fulfilling some kind of etiquette about guest/host...+READ
It sounds to me like the hostess forgot to stock up on tonic water and was calling to ask a favor. This is a bit different, I think, from the etiquette of what to plan to bring to a party-- more like, "ack, I forgot the (fill in the blank here), who can I call to help me out??" In this case you are helping someone out of a bind, not fulfilling some kind of etiquette about guest/host reciprocation.-COLLAPSE
Normally I tell people they don't have to bring anything, but they bring a bottle of wine as a matter of convention anyway, or if they want to bring something else like dessert, they usually let me know, so it won't clash with my dinner plans. I'll suggest bringing a bottle of wine, if I think that someone will otherwise go out of their way and show up with some extravagant dish that may not be...+READ
Normally I tell people they don't have to bring anything, but they bring a bottle of wine as a matter of convention anyway, or if they want to bring something else like dessert, they usually let me know, so it won't clash with my dinner plans. I'll suggest bringing a bottle of wine, if I think that someone will otherwise go out of their way and show up with some extravagant dish that may not be otherwise compatible with the meal or may be redundant with something I'm already serving. If they bring an inappropriate wine, we can just save it for some other occasion.-COLLAPSE