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Dear Helena,
I’d been dating this chick for a couple of months and it wasn’t working, so I took her out for tapas and broke the news. She was pissed, telling me I “ruined” her favorite tapas place and she “couldn’t believe” I broke up with her in the middle of dinner. I thought I was being quite civilized. Is it OK to dine and dump? If so, what is the right way to do it in terms of setting, atmosphere, and timing? Now I look back on it, I feel I should have waited until we were done eating. —Downer Dinner
Dear Downer Dinner,
Dumping someone in the middle of dinner is better than doing it via text message, but it’s still not acceptable. When you dump someone, the rejected lover usually wants to do one of two things: slink off and lick his or her wounds, or get further explanation. But it’s awkward to leave a restaurant in the middle of a meal, and embarrassing to have a tearful discussion in front of other patrons.
If you feel like you must dine and dump, choose the location strategically. Restaurants deemed suitable for dumping in the Zagat Los Angeles Dating (and Dumping) Guide are ranked based on number of exits, proximity to transportation (so you can make a quick getaway), and how attractive the other patrons and staff are (so you can go on the prowl for a new lover). But even Merrill Shindler, editor of the LA Zagat Survey (which publishes the guide), confesses that breaking up in a restaurant is a bad idea: “There are sharp objects, glasses of wine, bottles, and all sorts of things that could cause damage.”
The biggest problem with dumping people in restaurants is that, when you invite them out for a meal, they will think you’re inviting them on a date, so you’re setting them up to feel tricked on top of breaking up with them. Plus, there’s really no good time to break the news during a meal. If you do it right after you’ve ordered, you’ll put the dumpee off his or her food, making for a longer awkward evening. If you do it at the end of the meal, your ex may feel betrayed: “You knew about this and sat through the whole dinner without telling me?” (Also, you probably won’t enjoy the meal much if you’re mentally rehearsing your “It’s not you, it’s me” speech.)
You might be confident that the breakup will be amicable, and so why not enjoy a good last meal together? But even if there are no hard feelings, it’s unlikely the dinner will be fun. Mary Burnham, a wine and food writer in San Francisco, remembers a boyfriend ending a relationship at swanky Veritas in New York. Although she was far from heartbroken, she felt it was inappropriate to dig into a crème brûlée. The occasion just wasn’t festive enough.
But although breaking up with someone in a restaurant is a bad idea, that doesn’t mean the only appropriate setting is your place or the dumpee’s. If you’re ending a long-term relationship, you should do it in the privacy of your home; otherwise there’s nothing wrong with breaking the news in a public place so you don’t get trapped in a four-hour analysis of what went wrong. Instead of a restaurant, Marcia Gagliardi, creator of San Francisco’s Tablehopper newsletter, suggests: “a lesser-known wine bar, a café, or [you could] even get a piece of pie someplace that’s quick, where you can sit, engage a little, drop the bomb, and get out of there.” Don’t choose anywhere you’re a regular, she cautions. After all, the more anonymity when exposing yourself in public the better. And somewhere you’re less likely to be overheard is good, like a place with outdoor tables.
Shindler suggests bars, because you can have a heated discussion without attracting as much attention: “They’re used to people being rambunctious.” But in my view, you shouldn’t mix breakups and booze. Sometimes alcohol can soften the blow, but it’s just as likely to make the other person emotional. More importantly, if you have one too many, it could weaken your resolve. You don’t want to have to puzzle over where to break up with the same person twice.
I've been dumped in a restaurant before. He invited he out for dinner at Kelsey's, and after we ordered and the food was 10 minutes away from being on the table, he ended things. (I guess I should have known - he invited me to Kelsey's!)
I waited for my meal to come, got the server to pack it up, he paid, and I left. Went home and ate my dinner and was glad to be rid of him.
But yes, it was...+READ
I've been dumped in a restaurant before. He invited he out for dinner at Kelsey's, and after we ordered and the food was 10 minutes away from being on the table, he ended things. (I guess I should have known - he invited me to Kelsey's!)
I waited for my meal to come, got the server to pack it up, he paid, and I left. Went home and ate my dinner and was glad to be rid of him.
But yes, it was incredibly cruel. I wanted to shout at him, why he'd pick Kelsey's as a proper place to end things with me. He came back later asking for forgiveness, but he will never get that - it was humiliating.-COLLAPSE
there is never a good time or location to break up with someone, it's always going to be painful for both ppl... do it in person, but do it somewhere where the rest of the world doesnt have to be party to it... at their house/place is best b/c they can tell you to leave ;-)
@ Shelley, So true!
Not only would this be totally embarrassing for the dumpee, but please spare all the other patrons of the emotional wreckage to follow.
Absolutely under no circumstances is it okay to break up with someone in public. Or when there's anyone else around, for that matter. There's a special section in hell reserved for those who would do such a thing to any human being, much less someone who they at least cared enough about to be in a relationship. I don't care how bad the relationship is, all human beings deserve an opportunity to...+READ
Absolutely under no circumstances is it okay to break up with someone in public. Or when there's anyone else around, for that matter. There's a special section in hell reserved for those who would do such a thing to any human being, much less someone who they at least cared enough about to be in a relationship. I don't care how bad the relationship is, all human beings deserve an opportunity to be dumped with dignity. And if someone dumps you in public the only possible appropriate response is to not say a word, pay for any goods or services consumed, and leave without saying anything to them ever again. Their stuff ends up on the lawn. Breaking up in a restaurant is like taking a big smelly dump in church, to underscore the previous comment which I don't think was strong enough. Oh yeah, and maybe log a couple of sessions with a shrink if this happens more than once, to find out why you keep ending up with passive aggressive cowards.-COLLAPSE
In my opinion, the best place to do it, all things considered, is during "happy hour" in a bar that neither one has a stake in. "Happy hour" drinks aren't really considered a "date" per se...and the dumper can present it as "Let's try (or ever been to?) xxx...I've heard stuff about it" giving it a casual feel and once the two are in the MIDDLE of the FIRST drink, provide the segue into the dump...+READ
In my opinion, the best place to do it, all things considered, is during "happy hour" in a bar that neither one has a stake in. "Happy hour" drinks aren't really considered a "date" per se...and the dumper can present it as "Let's try (or ever been to?) xxx...I've heard stuff about it" giving it a casual feel and once the two are in the MIDDLE of the FIRST drink, provide the segue into the dump speech. Nobody's drunk yet and the speedy exit is available.-COLLAPSE
I work at a fine dining restaurant in Albany, NY, and last Saturday we had duece at the end of the night. Upon asking the waiter if they seemed like they were going to have dessert, he replied, no she's crying at the table. Apparently the woman's husband picked that night to serve his wife with divored papers! The response wasn't pretty.
Breaking up in a restaurant (or any other public place, for that matter) is just plain WRONG. Not only does it humiliate the dumpee, but it makes a bad meal for all the other diners. If they wanted bad drama with their main courses they would have gone to dinner theater. And what about transportation? Many couples ride to dinner in the same car--not only will the dumpee have to find a new date...+READ
Breaking up in a restaurant (or any other public place, for that matter) is just plain WRONG. Not only does it humiliate the dumpee, but it makes a bad meal for all the other diners. If they wanted bad drama with their main courses they would have gone to dinner theater. And what about transportation? Many couples ride to dinner in the same car--not only will the dumpee have to find a new date for the Christmas party next week, but now she has to call a cab to get home? Dirty trick!-COLLAPSE
My DS's GF broke up with him AFTER he had taken her out to lunch. I was appalled. She has since tried to get back together with him. No.
The theory behind a restaurant break up was that he/she wouldn't make a scene. That is no longer true. A park would be good.
A friend got taken to what had been their favourite restaurant for 'the talk". She had sort of suspected something was up when he showed up wearing a shirt from a previous girlfriend that she had dissed in the past. He made the mistake of telegraphing the reason for the meal, so my friend ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and a bottle of good wine. She figured it was the last time for...+READ
A friend got taken to what had been their favourite restaurant for 'the talk". She had sort of suspected something was up when he showed up wearing a shirt from a previous girlfriend that she had dissed in the past. He made the mistake of telegraphing the reason for the meal, so my friend ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and a bottle of good wine. She figured it was the last time for a while she would be there, so he was goiong pay.-COLLAPSE
Etiquette suggests that if you break up with a woman in a restaurant, she gets to take home the doggie bag so long as she pays the check.
Do not break up in a restaurant, working in an open kitchen I have witnessed many things and the worst was when a women locked herself in the bathroom for an hour while her ex tried to talk her out he finally had to call her friend, she came, he payed the check and left before she came out. Classy!
I love leather pants.
Leather pants are a deal breaker.
I once dumped a boyfriend onhis birthday. In my defense, he was wearing leather pants. Leather pants, people! Plus I only realized that night how much I hated all of his friends.
I did not, however, do it in a restaurant. It was in a parking lot.
carolinevalentine, you sound like you speak from experience. I'm sorry!
Yeah, no reason to ruin a holiday. I know a guy (absolutely true story), who told his wife he was gay on Christmas Eve. Not only did he wreck Christmas for his wife (she packed up and went screaming home to mama), he wrecked it for their toddler. Some people are just selfish!
sigh.
dumper, don't do it in a restaurant.
also off limits are birthdays, and holidays.
I'm with im_nomad -- the "chick" is well rid of this bozo. Perhaps he should just encourage her to dump him by showing his true obnoxious colors.
By the sounds of the OP's question, the "CHICK" was lucky to get away. If real, OP sounds like a dolt.
:rolleyes:
It's never pretty to break up with someone, but man up sunshine. Hiding in some restaurant to drop the bomb is downright cowardly. What about if the dumpee is upset, and has to drive home? Let the person who you obviously had enough interest in to date, have some dignity as you dump...+READ
By the sounds of the OP's question, the "CHICK" was lucky to get away. If real, OP sounds like a dolt.
:rolleyes:
It's never pretty to break up with someone, but man up sunshine. Hiding in some restaurant to drop the bomb is downright cowardly. What about if the dumpee is upset, and has to drive home? Let the person who you obviously had enough interest in to date, have some dignity as you dump them. No one likes snotting and bawling in front of a bunch of other people unless you've just been proposed to.
Besides which, why should fellow diners have to witness that stuff? Why should staff have to deal with it ?
The only time I could ever excuse a public break up, is if one of the parties is seriously in fear of what the other person might do in public.-COLLAPSE
Quote: RemyT Jun 06, 2009 12:54AM---------------
Breaking up while dining is like smoking in church.
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good answer. loaded + concise.
Dumpers generally want to pick a public place so that they can make a fast exit -- but that means unnecessarily exposing uninvolved others to the ensuing drama. Which is RUDE. The correct place for such notice is at the dumpee's residence, in private -- meaning, no family members or roommates present. It's just as easy to leave the dumpee's place once you said what you came to say as it is to...+READ
Dumpers generally want to pick a public place so that they can make a fast exit -- but that means unnecessarily exposing uninvolved others to the ensuing drama. Which is RUDE. The correct place for such notice is at the dumpee's residence, in private -- meaning, no family members or roommates present. It's just as easy to leave the dumpee's place once you said what you came to say as it is to leave a public place. Just say it and go. Second choice is a handwritten letter, but people today don't hand-write letters anymore, and many prefer not to have hard-copy evidence of what they have to say, which brings us back to breaking up in person, in private. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES is it ever appropriate to break up in public, in a restaurant or anywhere else.-COLLAPSE
When people get dumped they either want to cry or scream. Either way, it's not pleasant thing to do in a restaurant.
Breaking up while dining is like smoking in church.
Ideal place: in a parked car (the about-to-be dumped) in front of your (the dumpers) home...deliver that fatal speech, quick exit...wait for the screeching of tires.
Please, please not in a restaurant where I am trying to enjoy a peaceful and/or very expensive meal. DH and I once spent an anniversary dinner at a table next to a couple negotiating a divorce...both were in tears at different...+READ
Ideal place: in a parked car (the about-to-be dumped) in front of your (the dumpers) home...deliver that fatal speech, quick exit...wait for the screeching of tires.
Please, please not in a restaurant where I am trying to enjoy a peaceful and/or very expensive meal. DH and I once spent an anniversary dinner at a table next to a couple negotiating a divorce...both were in tears at different times of the meal.-COLLAPSE
Thank you for this one! From a restaurateur's perspective, please, please, take your breakup somewhere else. Really, none of us want to be stuck witnessing it, or asked to take sides, or be told "she left, I'm just paying for myself, if you didn't collect from her when she walked out that's your problem...." And oh yes, there are guys (and gals) tacky enough to do the last. Come to think of it,...+READ
Thank you for this one! From a restaurateur's perspective, please, please, take your breakup somewhere else. Really, none of us want to be stuck witnessing it, or asked to take sides, or be told "she left, I'm just paying for myself, if you didn't collect from her when she walked out that's your problem...." And oh yes, there are guys (and gals) tacky enough to do the last. Come to think of it, they're the same ones who pick a restaurant as a place to have their breakup fight in.-COLLAPSE
I am thankful I've never had a break-up during a meal. I have unfortunately witnessed it happening in restaurants. And I've seen a couple of break-ups (both times the dumper was the same woman) deliberately done "as an aside" in the middle of a party where her boyfriend was the host. I find that the worst sort of cowardly aggressive behavior, designed only to save the dumpee time and aggravation....+READ
I am thankful I've never had a break-up during a meal. I have unfortunately witnessed it happening in restaurants. And I've seen a couple of break-ups (both times the dumper was the same woman) deliberately done "as an aside" in the middle of a party where her boyfriend was the host. I find that the worst sort of cowardly aggressive behavior, designed only to save the dumpee time and aggravation.
I think I will resolve now that if someone tries to dump me in such a manner, I'll upend the closest source of something red, sticky and stinky all over them. Fine, I'm gone, but you're not gonna get a clean get-away for your cowardice.-COLLAPSE
"There's really no "classy" way to dump someone, especially if you know they aren't feeling the same way as you"
Damn right. You could try and be dignified, though, and leave the other with some dignity should they choose to try to make that type of exit.
Yeah, do you both a favor and try not to make it look like a date if you plan to break up with somebody. No tight quarters, no silent...+READ
"There's really no "classy" way to dump someone, especially if you know they aren't feeling the same way as you"
Damn right. You could try and be dignified, though, and leave the other with some dignity should they choose to try to make that type of exit.
Yeah, do you both a favor and try not to make it look like a date if you plan to break up with somebody. No tight quarters, no silent places, don't even bring anything to eat or drink. That just makes it creepy.-COLLAPSE
I don't know, I think it might be better done over the phone or in a park or something. When someone gets dumped, the last thing you want to see is the dumper. Parks, you can get out fast. Plus, if you REALLY want things to end, making them hate you is the best way to stop the desperate begging, bargaining, continued "we may ahve a chance" hell that sometimes follows.
There's really no...+READ
I don't know, I think it might be better done over the phone or in a park or something. When someone gets dumped, the last thing you want to see is the dumper. Parks, you can get out fast. Plus, if you REALLY want things to end, making them hate you is the best way to stop the desperate begging, bargaining, continued "we may ahve a chance" hell that sometimes follows.
There's really no "classy" way to dump someone, especially if you know they aren't feeling the same way as you. Now, if both parties are ready to let go, that's easier.
Tough call, this question!-COLLAPSE
GeeBeeEmm, usually, but not always the same.
And if they don't want to meet you 'to talk', guess you're off the hook with giving your 'break-up speech'.
what a relief, and onto better things !!
Isn't the phrase "We need to talk" pretty much the same as "I'm breaking up with you"?
I suggest a roller skating rink or a jogging trail. If they start getting angry or upset, you can just run, and even if they do catch up, they'll probably be too out of breath to say much.
I don't buy the whole needing to do it in public thing. Even if your soon to be ex is a drama king/queen, so what? You chose to date them and you can probably tolerate the crazy talk and being shrieked at knowing it's one last time. And you're an adult, you can leave when you want. If you're truly worried for your safety, then it's probably one of the few times where a phone breakup is...+READ
I don't buy the whole needing to do it in public thing. Even if your soon to be ex is a drama king/queen, so what? You chose to date them and you can probably tolerate the crazy talk and being shrieked at knowing it's one last time. And you're an adult, you can leave when you want. If you're truly worried for your safety, then it's probably one of the few times where a phone breakup is acceptable.-COLLAPSE
Helen, I think you hit on all major points; nice column this week. I also agree that if a public setting is needed to help reduce the drama, perhaps a park may be better. How funny that the LA Zagat actually has a break-up section!
If you want to break up over dinner...at least wait until after dinner. I wouldn't stick around under most circumstances if someone broke up with me in the middle of dinner. Seems like common sense.
Some people choose to break up in public, to keep the soon-to-be-ex's drama to a minumum.
How about a large park, where you can find a quiet place to talk. Bring a simple snack & drinks, so the both of you have something to 'fumble with' during the akward moments of the discussion.
btw- give the other party 'a heads up', ie ..... " let's get together, we need to talk, how about I meet you...+READ
Some people choose to break up in public, to keep the soon-to-be-ex's drama to a minumum.
How about a large park, where you can find a quiet place to talk. Bring a simple snack & drinks, so the both of you have something to 'fumble with' during the akward moments of the discussion.
btw- give the other party 'a heads up', ie ..... " let's get together, we need to talk, how about I meet you at the park", so they don't feel betrayed, ie thinking you're asking them on a date.-COLLAPSE
Breaking up in public is an act of cowardice! If I sound angry...well, let's just say there are a lot of women like me who now know to run -- quickly -- from a passive-aggressive.
The more I think about it Phil W, I really should not have fed all those stray cats to those ATMs. I am all for breaking up in public, makes it easier to get away, but don't do it in a quiet place, do it somewhere where there is a lot of noise. Like a McDonald's playland or something.
So Christian Bale's breakup in American Psycho reflected bad manners? I'm starting to think that movie is not the best social behavior tutorial.
Once was stuck next to a tearful breakup in a TINY restaurant where there was no excaping the drama. My friend and I ate in horrified silence, since it didn't feel right chit-chatting while this poor girl bawled her eyes out a foot away. It was a downer for the whole restaurant. So please, if you need to break up over a meal, pick a vast and noisy place!