How to Talk Politics Over Dinner

Published on Wednesday, October 22, 2008, by Helena Echlin / Edit Post

Dear Helena,

The other day the topic of Sarah Palin came up at a dinner party and one of the guests started expressing opinions that struck me as the exact opposite of true. We got into a fight that ended with me saying, “Jesus, where do you get this nonsense from? It’s like you live in Upside-Down World!”

There was an awkward silence, which the host tried to fill by chirping, “Who wants dessert?” I felt like I ruined the dinner party, but I couldn’t help it. This woman made my blood boil. If you and a fellow guest disagree about politics, how can you stop the discussion from getting heated? Or should you just avoid the topic altogether?
—Too Angry for Dessert

Dear Too Angry for Dessert,

In former days, an etiquette maven might have declared politics to be off-limits for dinner-party conversation (along with religion and probably money and sex). But you can debate politics without anyone storming out before dessert. Here’s how to keep it civil.

Watch the booze. As with any challenging social situation—like a business dinner or Thanksgiving with the in-laws—drinking just the right amount is essential. When debating politics with the enemy, one or two drinks (depending on your tolerance) will mellow you out and make you less quick to judge. But if you drink more, your emotions may take over. Next thing you know, you’re red in the face and telling the other person she lives in “Upside-Down World.”

Pause before responding. When someone is in the opposite political camp as you, it’s hard not to lash out. The other day my husband and I were having drinks at a friend’s house when she mentioned her passion for a former British prime minister. I was brought up to think this person was the devil incarnate, and I barked out something to that effect. The evening ended shortly after. Instead of doing what I did, give yourself a moment or two to let your reflexive anger subside. It may calm you to focus on the food in your mouth or the wine you’re drinking.

Don’t assume everyone shares your views. Sophia Raday is a former peace activist who married a gun-toting cop and Army Reserve colonel. (Her memoir on the topic, Love in Condition Yellow, will be published by Beacon Press in April 2009.) Raday says that during the year she spent living on an Army base with her husband, the people around her spoke as if she shared their support of President Bush. She did not.

Be curious. Raday, a veteran of many heated dinnertime discussions, advises: “Try to get past rhetoric and down to individual stories.” In other words, don’t frame the discussion as a for/against debate. After all, you’re unlikely to change someone’s political affiliation in time for dessert. Instead, try to find out what shaped his or her perspective. You may uncover some interesting anecdotes.

End on a positive note. Tell the other person he’s given you food for thought or promise to look up a newspaper article, speech, or statistic that he’s mentioned. Whatever you say, don’t close with, “Let’s agree to disagree.” A friend of mine who is a political aide in DC says: “There is no more disagreeable way to end a conversation. ... You might as well say, ‘Let’s agree never to talk to each other again.’”

Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.

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POST A COMMENT |22 Comments

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  • If you are in a group (or hosting a group) that has an intent interest for politics, I say it's okay, but only if there is an unstated understanding that we will respect a person's opinion even if we don't agree with it...that goes both ways. In my family, politics has always been the heart of the conversation, with both of my parents being government professors and lawyers. What I find to be...+READ

    If you are in a group (or hosting a group) that has an intent interest for politics, I say it's okay, but only if there is an unstated understanding that we will respect a person's opinion even if we don't agree with it...that goes both ways. In my family, politics has always been the heart of the conversation, with both of my parents being government professors and lawyers. What I find to be most disconcerting is when someone with a political ideology different from mine speaks his/her peace, and when I begin to insert my opinion, he or she decides we should no longer discuss politics. My boyfriend and I are at polar ends of the political spectrum, but we are able to talk politics and have fun and learn something because we respect each others opinions and we agree to disagree. Plus, remember that a good philosophical debate is one that is circular. Never, ever attack the person! If I strongly disagree, I might say "I was reading about that same legislation, but the way I see it..." that way you're not trying to make a character assassination or trying to destruct his/her opinion, but rather adding something valuable to the conversation-COLLAPSE

  • I find a polite "What an interesting point of view" to be the most useful response to controversial statements (though it tends to become more and more condescending as the night wears on and the empty bottles pile up....)

  • I was raised to avoid discussing money, politics and religion in polite company, but at my last dinner party, the 6 of us threw that out the window. And because we were all respectful of eachother, and none of us are that combative about our political stances, it worked and made for lively conversation. That was a lucky fluke to find people who view differing ideas as endearing quirks rather than...+READ

    I was raised to avoid discussing money, politics and religion in polite company, but at my last dinner party, the 6 of us threw that out the window. And because we were all respectful of eachother, and none of us are that combative about our political stances, it worked and made for lively conversation. That was a lucky fluke to find people who view differing ideas as endearing quirks rather than calls to battle. That said, I believe we all refrained from airing our most offensive opinions and stuck to the relatively safe ones--it was, after all, a dinner party.-COLLAPSE

  • Oh my God, Helena! You ran into one of those Edward Heath fanatics too?! Those people drive me insane! (They're not quite as bad as those Alec Douglas-Home freaks, but fortunately the latter are dying off rapidly.) No one will blame you for whatever you said.

  • It all depends on whether a peaceful dinner is more desirable than a contentious one. My wife likes to express her opinion and argue with anyone who disagrees. I would rather just eat and chat peacefully. I've given up kicking her in the ankle, and instead, I get up and leave the room.

  • I say steer clear, especially with family. We spend xmas w/ my husband's family every 2 years. 4 years ago the fight got so intense, vicious and personnal, I don't think family relations will ever be the same. As an example, when I realized I had just screamed "F*&$ the U.N." in my mother-in-law's living room, I excused myself from the fray and the room. How shameful....and I was one of the calm...+READ

    I say steer clear, especially with family. We spend xmas w/ my husband's family every 2 years. 4 years ago the fight got so intense, vicious and personnal, I don't think family relations will ever be the same. As an example, when I realized I had just screamed "F*&$ the U.N." in my mother-in-law's living room, I excused myself from the fray and the room. How shameful....and I was one of the calm ones.

    2 years ago, absolutely ZERO political commentary was made. it made for a much nicer holiday, i assure you.-COLLAPSE

  • I think politics, sex, and religion are great topics for conversation. What better way to get to know people than share your views on some of the most controversial topics available. I agree that drinking too much is a bad idea, however.

  • I think politics, sex, and religion are great topics for conversation. What better way to get to know people than share your views on some of the most controversial topics available. I agree that drinking too much is a bad idea, however.

  • My ex-boyfriend's father and I disagree completely on political (and usually social) issues and when we all would get together for a dinner, it's hard for any issue to come up that didn't relate back to politics. How we live our lives is completely influenced by the government that we have. However, if you know you're going to disagree and, like with the father and myself, are not likely to see...+READ

    My ex-boyfriend's father and I disagree completely on political (and usually social) issues and when we all would get together for a dinner, it's hard for any issue to come up that didn't relate back to politics. How we live our lives is completely influenced by the government that we have. However, if you know you're going to disagree and, like with the father and myself, are not likely to see the other point of view, it's best to avoid a subject. Our discussions were perfectly civil and we had no hard feelings for the other, but everyone else was made uncomfortable by our disagreement.

    If you're with a group of people you don't know very well or are at a function with work associates or other people that don't and necessarily shouldn't know every aspect of your personal life, I think it's better to keep quiet, too. If an issue comes up, and it seems as if people are imposing upon you their beliefs, that might be a time to express your opinion and try to deflect the conversation onto something else. Be firm but polite.-COLLAPSE

  • My partner and I are dear friends with another gay couple who are so vehemently racist that it makes me cringe. We are all in the 45-60 age range. I have learned that (especially with today's election!) to simply not discuss politics be it at dinner or anywhere else with them. We simply agree to disagee.

  • So you do not support Palin and your friend does. Agreeing not to talk about it gets everyone nowhere. Free exchange of ideas is what America is about. If you ask your friend 'where do you get this nonsense from?' the correct response would be for her to tell you the sources of her information. Choosing to not talk about politics is like choosing to not talk about life. Maybe the post about...+READ

    So you do not support Palin and your friend does. Agreeing not to talk about it gets everyone nowhere. Free exchange of ideas is what America is about. If you ask your friend 'where do you get this nonsense from?' the correct response would be for her to tell you the sources of her information. Choosing to not talk about politics is like choosing to not talk about life. Maybe the post about regulating alcohol is completely wrong. Perhaps we should get drunk enough (or sober enough) to say what we really feel and think. Then you shut up and let the other person say what they think. Repeat. Hopefully that will get everyone thinking about what they are saying and what the other person is saying. Get everyone thinking. I think that is what talking is for. Agreeing not to talk about any issue is agreeing not to think about that issue. This is my opinion. Now you can type anything you want back to me. See how it works? Should be the same rules at dinner. If you don't want to talk don't open your mouth. Love
    P.S. If it is not upsetting the kids then you know you are behaving like adults.-COLLAPSE

  • It all depends on the company you are with at that time. Some people are far better at certain discussions then others.
    We just had both sides of the family over for our daughter's 7th birthday this past weekend. Each side of the family is for opposing parties and love to discuss politics. My husband emailed his family and I emailed mine reminding them all that the party was for a 7 year old....+READ

    It all depends on the company you are with at that time. Some people are far better at certain discussions then others.
    We just had both sides of the family over for our daughter's 7th birthday this past weekend. Each side of the family is for opposing parties and love to discuss politics. My husband emailed his family and I emailed mine reminding them all that the party was for a 7 year old. Find something else to discuss for a day!-COLLAPSE

  • I use the agree to disagree expression when applicable. I don't understand the objection. Of course, the way I do it is smile and say "you know, we are just not going to agree on this one" and then usually a small joke of "so let's talk about art and get really mad!" with an even bigger smile.

    Because regarding politics, there are certain people I cannot fathom voting for, and as of yet nothing...+READ

    I use the agree to disagree expression when applicable. I don't understand the objection. Of course, the way I do it is smile and say "you know, we are just not going to agree on this one" and then usually a small joke of "so let's talk about art and get really mad!" with an even bigger smile.

    Because regarding politics, there are certain people I cannot fathom voting for, and as of yet nothing has managed to put a dent in that. So agreeing to disagree can sometimes be the only civilized end.-COLLAPSE

  • I agree with what others have said. Some people enjoy discussing politics and can do it without getting loud or irrational. Others aren't interested or disagree or don't like arguing. It's important to know your friends and respect their wishes. I talk politics with some friends and family and not with others, just as I vary all my discussion subjects for different audiences.

  • Honestly- why would you want to go into a group of mixed friends and either assume that

    a.) everybody thinks the way you do, or
    b.) you won't offend anybody by stating your bleeding-heart-liberal or John-Birch-arch-conservative views in such a way as to infer it's not an opinion, but a fact, and anybody who doesn't see it your way is a pinhead

    You know, there's more than one reason why we...+READ

    Honestly- why would you want to go into a group of mixed friends and either assume that

    a.) everybody thinks the way you do, or
    b.) you won't offend anybody by stating your bleeding-heart-liberal or John-Birch-arch-conservative views in such a way as to infer it's not an opinion, but a fact, and anybody who doesn't see it your way is a pinhead

    You know, there's more than one reason why we have private balloting!

    And you know what? When you have a good time arguing loudly with your friends about your political beliefs, please make sure I can't hear you, it's kind of upsetting to hear people argue, even if you're having a good time.-COLLAPSE

  • I have to agree with Ima: agreeing to disagree is simply a mature way of recognizing that your opinions differ, you will not be able to change each others' minds, and it is time to put the issue to rest and move on to other topics of conversation. I really see no problem with this statement. Otherwise, I largely think Helena had some good points here (apart from feigning food for thought: I try...+READ

    I have to agree with Ima: agreeing to disagree is simply a mature way of recognizing that your opinions differ, you will not be able to change each others' minds, and it is time to put the issue to rest and move on to other topics of conversation. I really see no problem with this statement. Otherwise, I largely think Helena had some good points here (apart from feigning food for thought: I try to be open minded to radically different views from my own, but if they're not well thought out, I'm certainly not going to reinforce someone's stupidity with a statement like that).-COLLAPSE

  • I am so very fortunate to have a large group of friends who can discuss even the most contentious issues respectfully and rationally. That said, there are a few people with whom I do not discuss politics due to an unpleasant and unsightly foaming at the mouth they develop after only a few short moments of polite disagreement.

    I think it's fine to debate issues as long as it doesn't become a...+READ

    I am so very fortunate to have a large group of friends who can discuss even the most contentious issues respectfully and rationally. That said, there are a few people with whom I do not discuss politics due to an unpleasant and unsightly foaming at the mouth they develop after only a few short moments of polite disagreement.

    I think it's fine to debate issues as long as it doesn't become a personal attack on the person who holds a different view than yours. If you find yourself unable to keep from telling a person at a social gathering that they live in "Upside-Down World," it would indicate that you aren't able discuss contentious issues in public.

    As for "agreeing to disagree" being a bad way to end a conversation, I, respectfully, disagree. Agreeing to disagree on a certain topic doesn't mean that you can't have many other things in common upon which you DO agree. Agreeing to disagree is merely acknowledging that you are unlikely to change each other's stance but find that you can still be agreeable with one another.-COLLAPSE

  • I have a slightly different perspective on this...I am pretty liberal and my father is pretty conservative. When we get together we love to spar on the issues and it does get pretty heated. It might sound angry, but we're really just having fun. My husband and mother, on the other hand, are less interested in politics and much less interested in actually arguing about it. So, in our case, the...+READ

    I have a slightly different perspective on this...I am pretty liberal and my father is pretty conservative. When we get together we love to spar on the issues and it does get pretty heated. It might sound angry, but we're really just having fun. My husband and mother, on the other hand, are less interested in politics and much less interested in actually arguing about it. So, in our case, the discomfort comes less from the people engaged in the discussion and more from the people who have to witness it. For them, the tension that they used to feel has mellowed into boredom, but it's still rude and I do try to tone it down now.-COLLAPSE

  • Years ago, I dated a girl who insisted on forcing her views down my throat whenever we went out to dinner. She had a drinking problem to boot. Moreover, although she considered herself to be a tree-hugger and one who wanted to save the planet, she would not honor my request to refrain from smoking in my presence. Needless to say, our relationship was stormy to say the least.

  • I'd say if you can discuss things rationally politics would be an OK topic, but so may people take party affiliation as a matter of true belief that that's sometimes impossible.

    If things get heated, it's up to the host(ess) to take charge and firmly table the issue. Any issue, not just politics. Unless, of course, the gathering was intended to generate conflict.

  • Unless you are around like minded people politcs, & religion should not be a dinner conversation topic in my humble opinion. Politics especially should not be discussed during these devisive times in our country.

    If others insist on bringing it up, I tend to just listen to what they say, and dont give my opinion one way or the other. Its not worth the effort to try to hold a conversation with...+READ

    Unless you are around like minded people politcs, & religion should not be a dinner conversation topic in my humble opinion. Politics especially should not be discussed during these devisive times in our country.

    If others insist on bringing it up, I tend to just listen to what they say, and dont give my opinion one way or the other. Its not worth the effort to try to hold a conversation with ignorant people.-COLLAPSE

  • I was taught that it is impolite to discuss politics, sex, and religion.