Making Chocolate from Wild Cacao
How to Make a Marshmallow Pop
Valentine Gifts for the Five Senses
McBites = Modern McNuggets?
Sausage Recipes of the Month
When Should Bars Cut You Off?
Dear Helena,
Recently I was invited to a wedding where all the groom and bride’s closest friends had been asked to help with some part of the reception. I was asked to help set up the bar. When I asked what the budget was, they said $200. I was aghast, and told them that this might be a little low. They said, “Well, we don’t drink.” And I said, “Your friends do, though.”
I ended up supplementing the bar with my own money so they’d have a decent spread. And it turned out that the other guests who were asked to help with food, decorations, and so on did the same thing. I know a couple people made an emergency run to Trader Joe’s for cheeses etc., so there would not just be one thing to eat.
My question is twofold: Is it OK to ask your friends to help you throw your own wedding reception? (They’ll feel like total jerks if they say no.) And how much is too much to expect people to do? —Until Death Do Us Part
Dear Until Death Do Us Part,
It is fine to ask friends to help with a wedding reception, but with two caveats: It shouldn’t be an implicit request for subsidy; and it should only be help, not complete delegation.
On the first score, it’s simply not OK to ask for or accept financial assistance. True, it is now common practice for couples to set up a fund for guests to contribute to their honeymoon … but that’s an opportunity to pool funds for a gift. In this case, the happy couple is probably expecting a toaster or set of hand towels as well as help.
You should throw a party that’s within your means. Alan Fields, coauthor of Bridal Bargains, points out: “In the 1950s or ’60s, the typical reception was wedding cake and fruit punch in the church hall. ... It’s only in the past 20 years that weddings have become so elaborate.”
Cake and punch might not be worthy of a magazine spread, but they’re adequate refreshment (provided the punch has vodka in it, of course). Fields advises cutting costs by buying the booze at a wholesale club such as Sam’s or Costco (that is, if the reception facility allows you to bring your own). And don’t offer mixed drinks. “Having beer, wine, and champagne costs 40 percent less than a full open bar,” says Fields. You can get an inexpensive wedding cake for as little as $2 a slice.
On the second point, it’s OK to ask for nonfinancial help, but the couple shouldn’t delegate the decision-making, only specific tasks. In other words, they can ask you to pick up the flowers, but they can’t ask you to choose the flowers. Your task should also be relatively finite, fairly easily accomplished, and essential. For instance, it’s OK to ask you to pick up the booze from Costco, but it’s rude to demand that you stay up all night making take-home favors of Jordan almonds in twists of tulle.
If you have a relevant skill—graphic design, baking, origami—then you might consider offering it up. You could design invitations, make handmade truffles, or decorate the tables with colored paper storks. Doing something you are good at is more fun than setting out rented chairs. And it’s more meaningful because it’s personal. But the couple should wait for you to offer. They shouldn’t expect that just because you like baking, you’ll be happy to build a cupcake tower.
Your friends were reasonable in asking you to help with the bar. But they should not have tacitly allowed you to subsidize their reception. You don’t throw a party and then make the guests provide the food and drink.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
I think there is a trend growing away from wedding cakes and even open bars. Not sure if this is happening is other places, but I'm noticing it more where I'm from (Vancouver).
This is definitely something I'll blog about in the near future.
www.dsoleil.com
HY,
I LIKE UR SITE CONTENT, AND SOMETHING NEW.
Nilsn
http://www.widecircles.name
HY,
I LIKE UR SITE CONTENT
Nilsn
widecircles
You did great job and handle the situation in a great way,but next time be alert !
_____________________________________
Allen
Wide Circles
Looks like the wedding has been very interesting to you,but,it looks very weird.
..................
Nishantha
Wide Circles
jrnorton....hope you're talking about a mini-(but real) wedding cake.........
i am big time NO on the fake cake phenomenon..i'm talking the iced styrofoam forms ....why not just lay out the sheet cake? problem is, i've been to a couple of "fake cake" weddings....and it wasn't $2/slice cake they even laid out, but a grocery store sheet cake. When did it become ok to put out fake food?...what's...+READ
jrnorton....hope you're talking about a mini-(but real) wedding cake.........
i am big time NO on the fake cake phenomenon..i'm talking the iced styrofoam forms ....why not just lay out the sheet cake? problem is, i've been to a couple of "fake cake" weddings....and it wasn't $2/slice cake they even laid out, but a grocery store sheet cake. When did it become ok to put out fake food?...what's next? a fake entree until someone can shuffle frozen dinners out from the kitchen? Sorry, but i just think it's wasteful and leans towards tacky and showy.
ok..back to the OT...i may not be clear, but i didn't get that the newleyweds actually ASKED the friend to "top up" on the bar budget....it was something the friend decided to do because they felt it was not enough. This is very different from asking someone to pay for your wedding. If i decided to host a cocktail party type wedding, no entree, but someone took it upon themselves to make sure everyone was well fed by providing a meal....that wasn't my request now was it?
But also, if a friend offers to gift in the form of a role in the wedding, it should come as an optional offer and not a "when you get married i will do (insert role here....like cheflambo's singer)" It smacks a little of "i'm so wonderful why wouldn't you or others want me to do this in the spotlight??"....I say this as someone who has gifted this way ( I don't sing....I bake cakes...)...should be a "just so you know, i can help with the (insert role here), if you need me"
on the potluck wedding, i've also been to a couple of ones that were semi-potluck, and they can be wonderful if done well. But again, it's optional, and that stuff is usually only contributed by family and very close friends..not as a "to-do" list for all guests.
i'm not a fan of the greenback wedding either...people know exactly how much you spent, and I always feel the need to "round up". (did however once go to a "contribute to this or your favorite charity as our gift " wedding, and that was a lovely change)-COLLAPSE
This is a minor point, but my wife and I had a great success at our wedding reception (200 people, tight but reasonable budget) having a small, lovely display wedding cake made and then serving guests from a <
It seems like the linchpin of this discussion is help offered versus help frankly asked for versus help subtly wheedled out of people and not acknowledged, the last category being the most...+READ
This is a minor point, but my wife and I had a great success at our wedding reception (200 people, tight but reasonable budget) having a small, lovely display wedding cake made and then serving guests from a <
It seems like the linchpin of this discussion is help offered versus help frankly asked for versus help subtly wheedled out of people and not acknowledged, the last category being the most odious. Discerning what's OK to ask for and what's not, of course, are where the soft skills come in... and just asking (or implicitly asking) for people to chip in toward bar costs seems pretty tacky.
That said: Why is setting up a fund for people to chip in toward a honeymoon any worse than a registry where guests can buy plates, blenders, etc.? There are people -- seriously -- who would much rather contribute to a joyful and expensive travel experience than to give those already blessed with material goods still more crap.-COLLAPSE
My boyfriend and I have a tacit agreement with a close friend (and heir to a sizable restaurant chain) that, should we ever decide to tie the knot, his gift to us is free catering. All that entails on his end, however, is delegating a menu to the restaurant/catering staff. And all it entails on my end is the agreement that I shut up when they play Super Smash Brothers for four hours on end.
I...+READ
My boyfriend and I have a tacit agreement with a close friend (and heir to a sizable restaurant chain) that, should we ever decide to tie the knot, his gift to us is free catering. All that entails on his end, however, is delegating a menu to the restaurant/catering staff. And all it entails on my end is the agreement that I shut up when they play Super Smash Brothers for four hours on end.
I can live with that.-COLLAPSE
I have a friend that was asked to be in charge of the reception set-up many years ago... she and another friend ended up drinking the booze before the reception started.
Hence, I'd say there are several risks in asking friends to help with the wedding- not because they wouldn't want to- because without proper guidance on exactly what you want you risk not being happy with the result.
Agreed with most everyone here- if you can't afford it on your own, don't do it. Same goes for honeymoons- I shudder at the websites like Honeyfund that are cropping up. I think it's akin to asking for money: incredibly tacky.
(I'm not including cultures/countries where money is traditionally given at weddings- if it's the tradition and cultural expectation, clearly that's something different)
I think this is about the tackiest thing I have ever heard of. Let's go back to the whole premise of a wedding: it is a decision by two people to share their lives. They invite friends and family to witness their decision and thank them for their support.
It's one thing if it's family only, and everyone pitches in. But to go outside the family circle and obligate guests changes the entire...+READ
I think this is about the tackiest thing I have ever heard of. Let's go back to the whole premise of a wedding: it is a decision by two people to share their lives. They invite friends and family to witness their decision and thank them for their support.
It's one thing if it's family only, and everyone pitches in. But to go outside the family circle and obligate guests changes the entire nature of the event. Then you might as well sell tickets.-COLLAPSE
:) LOL Richard!
What we did was to blow a little extra and have tulip glasses (good for beer or wine) printed with a wedding logo my graphic designer husband made. Then we had them on the tables at the place settings filled with bulk buy golden jelly beans. They were glasses and favors. In the end, we sorta saved, because our glasses and favors were the same thing, and the caterers didn't have...+READ
:) LOL Richard!
What we did was to blow a little extra and have tulip glasses (good for beer or wine) printed with a wedding logo my graphic designer husband made. Then we had them on the tables at the place settings filled with bulk buy golden jelly beans. They were glasses and favors. In the end, we sorta saved, because our glasses and favors were the same thing, and the caterers didn't have to wash them, as people took them home.
Some naughty people actually stole other's glasses to make "sets". I managed to save 6. The others were snapped up.-COLLAPSE
LOL, Diana and Richard!
Diana, Don't laugh! I ended up purchasing 144 commercial wine goblets from a wholsaler years ago as a sort of "donation" to a friends wedding. 20 years later 135 of them are still in my basement!!!
Just as long as you don't ask people to bring their own cups or glasses! ;)
If somebody wants to offer their talent and/or financial assistance, without having been petitioned beforehand, mind you, then there should be a special place in heaven for those people and you should be grateful for their friendship. But to shake down your friends, who would have been your guests but now are indentured servants, is tacky beyond belief, especially if they have to cough up their...+READ
If somebody wants to offer their talent and/or financial assistance, without having been petitioned beforehand, mind you, then there should be a special place in heaven for those people and you should be grateful for their friendship. But to shake down your friends, who would have been your guests but now are indentured servants, is tacky beyond belief, especially if they have to cough up their own $$ to do whatever you assign them to do. Those people are probably expected to fork over a wedding gift for the greedy newlyweds, too, I'll bet.-COLLAPSE
As someone said, you put on a wedding, or any other celebration, that is within your means.
And I hope you're kidding about the punch with vodka line, because there's no shame in a dry wedding.
I'd love to know if this couple sent thank you notes to all who put out extra time and $$ for their "happy day."
As for honeymoon registries, just no. And no registry info at all in the wedding...+READ
As someone said, you put on a wedding, or any other celebration, that is within your means.
And I hope you're kidding about the punch with vodka line, because there's no shame in a dry wedding.
I'd love to know if this couple sent thank you notes to all who put out extra time and $$ for their "happy day."
As for honeymoon registries, just no. And no registry info at all in the wedding invitation, no matter what department stores say.-COLLAPSE
When I was married, I did ask friends to assist with very specific tasks, as my wedding was very small. Things like: Move flowers from chapel to dinner site, Help glue rhinestones on place holders, Act as greeter (I suppose this is an usher job, we didn't have one) at front of chapel.
Really, it is probably up to the character of the couple and the tone of the wedding. Clearly, more elaborate...+READ
When I was married, I did ask friends to assist with very specific tasks, as my wedding was very small. Things like: Move flowers from chapel to dinner site, Help glue rhinestones on place holders, Act as greeter (I suppose this is an usher job, we didn't have one) at front of chapel.
Really, it is probably up to the character of the couple and the tone of the wedding. Clearly, more elaborate ones have bride-zillas who boss bridesmaids around to do everything (been there, done that!). I would not impose on someone else's pocketbook for any celebration, though I've seen it done. Hey, different strokes for different folks!-COLLAPSE
It helps to have friends who can do something, and want to give that as a gift. My cake was made for me by my Mother-in -law's book club (several of whom are accomplished bakers!), my entire bar was stocked with beer and wine made by my homebrewing and winemaking pals-in fact, the bar with draught taps and such was the one our club uses, hauled up to the site.
My dress was the gift of my...+READ
It helps to have friends who can do something, and want to give that as a gift. My cake was made for me by my Mother-in -law's book club (several of whom are accomplished bakers!), my entire bar was stocked with beer and wine made by my homebrewing and winemaking pals-in fact, the bar with draught taps and such was the one our club uses, hauled up to the site.
My dress was the gift of my in-laws, the photographer was a pro who was also a homebrewer. The musicians gave me a break on their services in return for a case of homebrew each. The professional florist went to elementary school with my husband.
The invites and save the date cards were made with stuff from Micheal's on the computer.
And so on.
it is amazing how many friends you can find with skill and talent if you look, and they are all willing to help for a break, and may even offer free services. The trick is to ask if they can help, and to be willing to pay them if they need it.
Also, pay vendors in cash. If they don't have to declare it, you can get a break as thye pass the tax savings along, (sorta under the table)-COLLAPSE
You handled that well, Ebit. Good idea. But for the other bride (above) to desginate a specific dish in the invitation is, well, tacky. It has been noted above, and I agree, that one should not throw a bigger wedding than one can afford (a whole episode of Oprah has been devoted to this!) and only at the most casual of affairs is potluck appropriate.
On the other side of that coin, some...+READ
You handled that well, Ebit. Good idea. But for the other bride (above) to desginate a specific dish in the invitation is, well, tacky. It has been noted above, and I agree, that one should not throw a bigger wedding than one can afford (a whole episode of Oprah has been devoted to this!) and only at the most casual of affairs is potluck appropriate.
On the other side of that coin, some friends really WANT to do these things for you. I have a friend who is a singer/actress on Broadway and she often asks "when are you two going to get married? I want to sing at your wedding reception!" (Don't groan ... she's really REALLY good!)-COLLAPSE
I also took this approach when I married and was under a very tight budget. Big ticket items should be covered by the bride and groom (food/drink). I had a friend arrange the flowers (I paid for the flowers), I had another friend do my hair, another friend do my makeup. These friends were told that these services were their gift to us, so no gift was expected. It was a great way to include...+READ
I also took this approach when I married and was under a very tight budget. Big ticket items should be covered by the bride and groom (food/drink). I had a friend arrange the flowers (I paid for the flowers), I had another friend do my hair, another friend do my makeup. These friends were told that these services were their gift to us, so no gift was expected. It was a great way to include everyone in the celebration and let some friends who are on limited budgets provide a wonderful gift to me and my husband!-COLLAPSE
Nearly 30 years ago I was invited to a wedding with an "assigned potluck" reception - all of the local guests received recipes enclosed in the invitations and were instructed to make one batch of that item. I got a recipe for chicken divan. I was miffed at the time not so much about the idea of a potluck wedding - the couple (and I) were in our 20s and part of a community in which potlucks were...+READ
Nearly 30 years ago I was invited to a wedding with an "assigned potluck" reception - all of the local guests received recipes enclosed in the invitations and were instructed to make one batch of that item. I got a recipe for chicken divan. I was miffed at the time not so much about the idea of a potluck wedding - the couple (and I) were in our 20s and part of a community in which potlucks were common, and the concept was plausible within that culture, if not in the best taste - but at being denied freedom of choice on what to prepare. It's true that I've never forgotten that wedding, but probably not for all the same reasons that the couple would have wanted.-COLLAPSE
Definitely age- and finance-related. When the first of my circle of friends got married some 30 years ago we all pitched in and made the wedding happen (I for one was pre-baking and freezing hors d'oeuvres a week in advance). Not because they asked us to but because we wanted to.
When I finally got married two years ago I threw a catered bash and was happy (and could afford) to do so.
Am I wrong to think that this sounds like something that would happen within a certain age group? I can't imagine it happening within my circle of friends, who are all relatively well off and could afford their own bashes. That being said, I don't think it's fair to recruit friends to work on the day of your wedding. They should be treated as guests and be able to enjoy the day just like all...+READ
Am I wrong to think that this sounds like something that would happen within a certain age group? I can't imagine it happening within my circle of friends, who are all relatively well off and could afford their own bashes. That being said, I don't think it's fair to recruit friends to work on the day of your wedding. They should be treated as guests and be able to enjoy the day just like all guests.-COLLAPSE
I completely agree with Helena on this one. Honestly, have a wedding within your means. This post is quite applicable to me because today is my four year anniversary and my wedding was extremely low key: we kept the guest list to under 20 people (my parents, and our very closest friends); we held the ceremony outdoors in a lovely, scenic park overlooking a river; and instead of a reception, we...+READ
I completely agree with Helena on this one. Honestly, have a wedding within your means. This post is quite applicable to me because today is my four year anniversary and my wedding was extremely low key: we kept the guest list to under 20 people (my parents, and our very closest friends); we held the ceremony outdoors in a lovely, scenic park overlooking a river; and instead of a reception, we treated our friends to a dinner at our favourite Sri Lankan restaurant (where you get a huge spread of food for $15 per person). Following that, we returned to our house and got loaded, which was BYOB. All in all, everyone had a great time and the cost of every detail of the wedding was just around $400.
There was very little pressure on us with regards to the planning and cost, and I think our guests were quite pleased that they were spared the tedium of a more formal ceremony.-COLLAPSE
While it was nice of the querent to contribute his/her own money to the reception bar, it may NOT have been what the bride and groom wanted (though Helena is right, they shouldn't have accepted it). And yes, vodka punch would certainly have been adequate!
I'd love to see a return to the punch-n-cake wedding receptions!