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Dear Helena,
Recently, we invited a family for dinner and of course had the meal planned, including homemade ice cream. My kids were really looking forward to it, since the homemade ice cream is a rare treat. When the invitation was originally accepted, the wife asked if she could bring anything, and I said, “Just an appetite!”
When they showed up, they brought a carton of store-bought ice cream and said they thought they’d “bring” dessert, and the husband said that this brand was his favorite. After a split second of panic, I just decided to serve their ice cream while trying to figure out what to do with all the ingredients I had purchased for the homemade kind. To my knowledge, they never knew they screwed up our dessert plans.
I thought I handled it OK, but I have two questions: Is there a better way to handle the situation if it, unfortunately, happens again? And, do you consider it rude to bring a course to a meal, expecting it to be eaten, when the guest did not inform the host ahead of time?
—Homemade Is Best
Dear Homemade Is Best,
Bringing an extra dish to someone else’s dinner is like bringing an extra person: Your guest should always ask first. You’ve put careful thought into the menu and the social mix, and a surprise addition could clash with either one. Plus, it can feel a little insulting, as if the guest is worried that what you’ve provided won’t be sufficient.
But in some parts of the United States, showing up empty-handed is the faux pas. Danielle Searls, a painter who now lives in San Francisco, says when she was growing up in Minnesota, it was customary to bring a dish to someone else’s dinner, often a hotdish (a kind of casserole). “My specialty was Tater Tot hotdish,” reminisces Searls. In many areas, this tradition persists. “It’s always assumed it’s a potluck,” she says.
If people are hard-wired to bring a dish, it can be pretty hard to stop them. Saying, “No need to bring anything except yourselves,” won’t help. They’ll just brush it off as a polite platitude. Instead, suggest a different way for them to satisfy their need to give. Ask them to bring wine or do you a non-food-related favor like lend their folding chairs.
If guests bring a dish, you must serve it, even if your menu is an homage to the cuisine of Alsace-Lorraine and they’ve brought a Carvel ice cream cake. Your guests have gone to the trouble of buying or making a dish. It would be disrespectful to thrust their offering to the back of the fridge.
Though they shouldn’t bring a casserole or a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, guests should bring something. When you cook a meal for others, even if it’s just an omelet, you’re giving them a wonderful gift, and they should offer a token of appreciation. Wine, flowers, and chocolates are the classic choices for host gifts. You need not bring anything expensive. One of the nicest hostess gifts I received was a collection of interesting spices: star anise, dried orange peel, and garam masala. Or consider bringing a book. If the book is special to you, it doesn’t matter if it’s secondhand.
Some spiritually enlightened hosts claim that their guests’ presence is gift enough. But gift-giving benefits the giver too. If this sounds schmaltzy, know that there’s neurological evidence. In one study, volunteers played a computer game in which they had to make a series of financial decisions, including choosing between donating to charity and taking a payoff. Functional MRI scans showed that both acts were associated with increased activity in the midbrain—the area that corresponds to satisfying primal desires, like those for food and sex. So giving a gift offers the same kind of pleasure as eating a nice meal.
Of all the things to worry about...Cheezus!
“My specialty was Tater Tot hotdish,”
Oh yeah? This is like saying when you lived in Memphis your specialty was "ribs".
I read this article and comments last week with some amusement. In my (southern US) experience it is well understood that a potluck invitation means bring a dish to share and a dinner invitation means bring yourself and a gift for the host. Then over the weekend my SO and I held our first get together here in Canada.
The invitation was to an outdoor BBQ with a request to BYOB, non-alcoholic...+READ
I read this article and comments last week with some amusement. In my (southern US) experience it is well understood that a potluck invitation means bring a dish to share and a dinner invitation means bring yourself and a gift for the host. Then over the weekend my SO and I held our first get together here in Canada.
The invitation was to an outdoor BBQ with a request to BYOB, non-alcoholic beverages provided. The menu we planned was, I thought, thoroughly discussed, understood, and planned so that utensils would NOT be needed. Then I found my SO replying to an email RSVP which included the offer to bring a spinach salad. He was saying "YES, that would be great!" I could have clobbered him, because I'm sure he would not have mentioned it to me, and the lovely salad would go uneaten for lack of forks! Well, crisis averted and he amended his reply to "Thanks no; we've got everything planned. Just bring yourself and your beverage of choice."
We did receive several hostess gifts included a gift wrapped (good idea) bottle of wine that was clearly not for consumption during the party and a small basket of homegrown tomatoes with the gift giver saying to enjoy them another time.-COLLAPSE
monji cackes are never chenging so do not be upset at all
If you know the people coming will insist on bringing something and they ask, I advise coming up with a food item they can bring to go with what you are making. Like bread or some berries or something like "honey to drizzle on the cheese plate". Sometimes people just feel like they have to bring something and giving them specific instructions can help reduce the chance of getting an unwelcome...+READ
If you know the people coming will insist on bringing something and they ask, I advise coming up with a food item they can bring to go with what you are making. Like bread or some berries or something like "honey to drizzle on the cheese plate". Sometimes people just feel like they have to bring something and giving them specific instructions can help reduce the chance of getting an unwelcome surprise. I don't feel rude specifying what to have them bring because (a) they asked and (b) I am making them a great meal.
The bottle of wine thing is always tough...if people bring over wine that is clearly special or interesting that they want us to try then I'm fine opening it up, but I recently had a family member bring over two bottles of wine that she announced were under $4 a bottle and she opened them up before dinner. I was going to serve some $20-$40 bottles of wine...but then I figured what's the point, as I figured it would not be appreciated.-COLLAPSE
Why can't folks just do what they are asked, "don't bring anything" means just that. If it bothers you that much call the host a couple of days before and ask "Are you sure I can't bring....." If the answer is no than leave it alone.
I was raised with the 'bring a hostess gift' folks, especially when dining with people who aren't close friends or family. But, as with many things that relax as one ages :), I've adjusted my thinking. I love having people come for dinner, and I love cooking the whole thing [especially multiple desserts!]. BUT there are some people who are here often, and who are starting to refuse to come unless...+READ
I was raised with the 'bring a hostess gift' folks, especially when dining with people who aren't close friends or family. But, as with many things that relax as one ages :), I've adjusted my thinking. I love having people come for dinner, and I love cooking the whole thing [especially multiple desserts!]. BUT there are some people who are here often, and who are starting to refuse to come unless I let them contribute. [their logic is based on the fact that I'm a single person, and I invite several members of their family, and they feel guilty for imposing - yadda yadda yadda]. We usually compromise with them making their special dish [one of them makes a KILLER salad with bleu cheese, beets and candied walnuts], and I make sure to incorporate it into the plan. and make an extra dessert.
Sometimes I agree to let someone bring an appetizer if they're showing signs of imploding because they think they've spent too much time at my table without contributing. and I make an extra dessert,
did I mention that I love making desserts for people?-COLLAPSE
I really shouldn't post before my morning chai. Here's what I meant to ask:
What's the difference between bringing a bottle of wine to dinner (when the host(ess) is not obligated to serve it) yet requiring the host(ess)to serve whatever the guest brought when the guest was specifically told not to?
What's the difference between bringing a bottle of wine to dinner, the host(ess) is not obligated to serve it. So why should the host(ess) then have to serve whatever the guest brought when the guest was specifically told not to?
Yes, definitely always bring something. But if you're the host and someone brings an unrequested dish, you should absolutely serve it. The only thing more rude than showing up with an unexpected dish is a host who does anything at all to make their guests feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. And not serving a dish they brought does just that.
And bblonde, bless you for inviting your grandmother to...+READ
Yes, definitely always bring something. But if you're the host and someone brings an unrequested dish, you should absolutely serve it. The only thing more rude than showing up with an unexpected dish is a host who does anything at all to make their guests feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. And not serving a dish they brought does just that.
And bblonde, bless you for inviting your grandmother to dinner often. But since you know she has a "bad" habit of bringing desserts, just go ahead and plan for it. And be sure to brag on it and act appreciative. It will make her feel wonderful and welcome. And don't embarrass her by having some kind of dessert "show down". I promise you a time will come when the only thing you wish you could have is just one more taste of grandma's chocolate sheet cake.-COLLAPSE
Flowers are always great to bring.
Let me get this straight.
From what I've read here, when invited to a dinner party and told not to bring anything, you either need to bring a bottle of wine (although it probably won't be up to the host's standards), candy (many pitfalls here- diets, is it free trade, is it dark enough, does it contain HFCS, etc), a dish (so the host can not only hate you for bringing it but can feel righteous...+READ
Let me get this straight.
From what I've read here, when invited to a dinner party and told not to bring anything, you either need to bring a bottle of wine (although it probably won't be up to the host's standards), candy (many pitfalls here- diets, is it free trade, is it dark enough, does it contain HFCS, etc), a dish (so the host can not only hate you for bringing it but can feel righteous about completely overlooking your offering or serving it with a lot of disdain), or flowers (the allergies! the allergies!), dessert (because even if you have one it won't measure up to what I brought) or nothing (you ungrateful bastards).
I may never go to anybody's house for a meal again, ever. I'm too afraid of offending.-COLLAPSE
While I absolutely understand why a host/ess would be irked by the unwelcome intrusion to their planned menu, I have gotten into the habit of bringing something dessert-related because apparently dessert is no longer served these days. Maybe it comes off as childish, churlish, and xenophobic to bring something sweet just because I like to end a meal on that note but perhaps the guests were...+READ
While I absolutely understand why a host/ess would be irked by the unwelcome intrusion to their planned menu, I have gotten into the habit of bringing something dessert-related because apparently dessert is no longer served these days. Maybe it comes off as childish, churlish, and xenophobic to bring something sweet just because I like to end a meal on that note but perhaps the guests were anticipating a dearth in the dessert department. The suggestion that it would come in handy should her established plan of homemade ice cream fall through was, in my mind, the best way out of it. If I were the guest in that scenario, I would have been absolutely thrilled to have my boxed ice cream go to the back of their freezer for them to enjoy at a later date. (I hope it really was a favorite of the guests, therefore maybe worth receiving as a gift...I do make an effort to bring something high quality, homemade, or novel). So, in summary, if you don't serve dessert don't be surprised if a guest shows up with it and perhaps take the hint to heart. Viva los Dulces!!!!-COLLAPSE
I think bringing ice cream was perfectly unintrusive and wouldn't mess with any meal. The adult hosts should have had what the guests brought, and the kids whatever they chose (since this was not a time to ruin the kids' expectations).
Why didn't the letter writer just toss the gift into her freezer and continue with her own meal plan? A simple comment with dessert service would have sufficed, e.g.: "We'll enjoy the gift you brought another time; tonight we're having my kids' favorite ice cream, which I made especially for this dinner."
I always bring *something* to a dinner party but I always ask what I can bring. If the host says "nothing!" then I still bring at least flowers or a little potted plant or something. Or even wine. I never expect the things I bring to be opened that night.
If someone shows up at my house with some edible thing I usually think of it as a gift for the house and I don't usually serve it. Haha, maybe...+READ
I always bring *something* to a dinner party but I always ask what I can bring. If the host says "nothing!" then I still bring at least flowers or a little potted plant or something. Or even wine. I never expect the things I bring to be opened that night.
If someone shows up at my house with some edible thing I usually think of it as a gift for the house and I don't usually serve it. Haha, maybe that is rude of me.-COLLAPSE
Thank god for this thread. I thought I was the only person in America who got irritated at being invited to a dinner party, and then asked to bring the dinner. I spent years living in Russia, and their dinner-party customs mirror the ones that I was raised with here in US. That is, bring a host/hostess gift always -- ideally, wine or chocolate. Do not expect either to be opened at dinner. To...+READ
Thank god for this thread. I thought I was the only person in America who got irritated at being invited to a dinner party, and then asked to bring the dinner. I spent years living in Russia, and their dinner-party customs mirror the ones that I was raised with here in US. That is, bring a host/hostess gift always -- ideally, wine or chocolate. Do not expect either to be opened at dinner. To ensure that there is no pressure on the host to open the wine, bring white or champagne that is NOT chilled. Chilled wine says, "I want this now" and forces the host to make room in the refrigerator. Do not ever, ever bring food to a dinner party -- it is rude because it implies that your hosts do not know how to cook, and that you will not eat their food. You honor your host by being a guest, and they honor your presence and trust by serving you dinner.-COLLAPSE
I was born in New York, but have lived in Atlanta, GA for over 40 years. I come from a average middle class family where we started working at age 15. I was raised with manners and a very healthy dose of etiquette. I do not agree that this is a 'regional thing.' When someone invites me to dinner, I expect to be served dinner, not bring dinner, unless the invitation is clear from the start. One of...+READ
I was born in New York, but have lived in Atlanta, GA for over 40 years. I come from a average middle class family where we started working at age 15. I was raised with manners and a very healthy dose of etiquette. I do not agree that this is a 'regional thing.' When someone invites me to dinner, I expect to be served dinner, not bring dinner, unless the invitation is clear from the start. One of my friends invited four of us ladies to dinner at her house to celebrate a birthday for one of the ladies – this was only because we could not decide on a restaurant. Within minutes of the first email invitation, one of ladies replied to all with, "What can we bring??!!" Sorry, but I was pissed. Especially when we were TOLD what to bring so that the hostess would not duplicate! What kills me is that the woman we are honoring was asked to bring dessert! Sorry, but this hostess lives in a 2.5 million home, and can certainly afford dinner for five! Two of us were recently laid off and are barely making ends meet, yet we were expected to go to HER home, and bring a dish for dinner at HER house. I was raised better than this. When I invite people to my home for dinner, be it family or friends, I tell them to bring only their appetite. When I go to someone else’s home, I always bring a hostess gift (chocolate, wine, cordials, a scented candle). Inviting people to your home for dinner and then asking them to bring dinner is the tackiest thing I’ve ever heard. The only way I find this appropriate is if the invitation was more along the lines of “Would everyone like to have a potluck at my place” sort of thing.-COLLAPSE
Hi all. This is an interesting discussion. I'm a vegetarian as well, and while I agree that the host/hostess should take the dietary restrictions of their guests into consideration, I have a different question all together: If you haven't known the host for that long, and he doesn't know you are a veggie, do you point it out when he offers the invite? Do you say, "That sounds wonderful, shall I...+READ
Hi all. This is an interesting discussion. I'm a vegetarian as well, and while I agree that the host/hostess should take the dietary restrictions of their guests into consideration, I have a different question all together: If you haven't known the host for that long, and he doesn't know you are a veggie, do you point it out when he offers the invite? Do you say, "That sounds wonderful, shall I bring along a meatless course since I'm vegetarian - I wouldn't want to trouble you with making another dish-?" Is *that* rude? And while I'm sure there will be side dishes or salad, often they contain stocks or lardons or whatever. Would you be offended if a guest offered to bring a vegetarian option? Would you assure her that you will provide stuff she can eat? Or would you say, "sure, make enough for eight" ? Just wondering :)-COLLAPSE
one thing i haven't seen addressed is fridge space. host/ess gifts are no problem and always appreciated. for me the snark comes in when when someone brings something that requires refrigerator shelf space when i've allocated every square inch for supplies and (hopefully not many) leftovers. the day before and the day of a party i don't have extra space.
a shoe horn can make a lovely gift, lol.
I just have to comment on this too. My grandmother is still living and lives only 4 blocks from my house, so when possible I invite her for dinner. She enjoys the "young people" but she has a terrible habit of bringing dessert. It is difficult to tell her no as she is family and older. I will have put a great deal of thought and effort into the entire meal, from beginning to end, and then I have...+READ
I just have to comment on this too. My grandmother is still living and lives only 4 blocks from my house, so when possible I invite her for dinner. She enjoys the "young people" but she has a terrible habit of bringing dessert. It is difficult to tell her no as she is family and older. I will have put a great deal of thought and effort into the entire meal, from beginning to end, and then I have to serve a huge chocolate sheet cake. My grandmother is a great cook, but she cooks more in bulk and basic than gourmet. What I finally started doing was putting out both desserts and giving people a choice. I had not anticipated the problem that this would create--a majority of the dinner guests chose my beautiful fruit tart over her chocolate cake. I know it stung her so I just don't know how you handle this.-COLLAPSE
I can't get past the part where people arrive for dinner, and you haven't made the ice cream you're planning to serve for dessert yet. Huh? What's up with that?
Anyway, serve both. If it's awkward for store-bought to compete with homemade, so be it.
I've always thought that a "hostess gift" is exactly that--a gift for the hostess. We don't put conditions on the us of other types of gifts (or rather, we shouldn't) so why would we expect our host(ess) to use our gift to him/her immediately? And it's a GIFT for the person who is hosting the party---we don't ask the birthday boy to share his birthday gifts with everyone in attendance, nor do we...+READ
I've always thought that a "hostess gift" is exactly that--a gift for the hostess. We don't put conditions on the us of other types of gifts (or rather, we shouldn't) so why would we expect our host(ess) to use our gift to him/her immediately? And it's a GIFT for the person who is hosting the party---we don't ask the birthday boy to share his birthday gifts with everyone in attendance, nor do we expect a graduate to split the dough with all the guests at her open house. A hostess gift is a gift to say thank you for a wonderful party, and a treat for staying up late and cleaning up all the mess afterwards!-COLLAPSE
I've lived in the south for most of my life and I would never bring food to a dinner party unless it was specifically called a "potluck". It is just inconsiderate, especially if you don't even know what the host is preparing, your dish might totally clash. Have your own dinner party and make whatever you want.
I am also in the camp that people should never bring food to my house (except in the rare case of bad illness) -- I don't usually like or eat most of other people's food... But, if they do show up with food, then I serve it, no matter how out of place it is with my own meal. (It's the only way to dispose of it, as I would probably never get around to eating it). Sorry, it's very harsh, but also...+READ
I am also in the camp that people should never bring food to my house (except in the rare case of bad illness) -- I don't usually like or eat most of other people's food... But, if they do show up with food, then I serve it, no matter how out of place it is with my own meal. (It's the only way to dispose of it, as I would probably never get around to eating it). Sorry, it's very harsh, but also very true.-COLLAPSE
I always ask "Is there anything I can bring". Nice bread to accompany the meal is often requested. If nothing is specified, I would bring flowers or wine that they can drink at a later date.
I've had people show up at dinner parties with full dishes and it definitely bothers me. I've planned a meal and having an extra dish or two means that we end up with that much more leftovers. But I'd...+READ
I always ask "Is there anything I can bring". Nice bread to accompany the meal is often requested. If nothing is specified, I would bring flowers or wine that they can drink at a later date.
I've had people show up at dinner parties with full dishes and it definitely bothers me. I've planned a meal and having an extra dish or two means that we end up with that much more leftovers. But I'd always serve it unless it was clear that it was a hostess gift.-COLLAPSE
I always ask "Is there anything I can bring". Nice bread to accompany the meal is often requested. If nothing is specified, I would bring flowers or wine that they can drink at a later date.
I've had people show up at dinner parties with full dishes and it definitely bothers me. I've planned a meal and having an extra dish or two means that we end up with that much more leftovers. But I'd...+READ
I always ask "Is there anything I can bring". Nice bread to accompany the meal is often requested. If nothing is specified, I would bring flowers or wine that they can drink at a later date.
I've had people show up at dinner parties with full dishes and it definitely bothers me. I've planned a meal and having an extra dish or two means that we end up with that much more leftovers. But I'd always serve it unless it was clear that it was a hostess gift.-COLLAPSE
Once again, the vegan issue is separate. If you were a friend of mine, and I invited you to a dinner party, I would make sure you had something vegan to eat, or I would encourage you to bring your own food.
This is a totally different story from the people who AREN'T vegan and insist upon bringing their cream of mushroom junk and sweet potatoes with marshmallows (YUCK!) because they aren't...+READ
Once again, the vegan issue is separate. If you were a friend of mine, and I invited you to a dinner party, I would make sure you had something vegan to eat, or I would encourage you to bring your own food.
This is a totally different story from the people who AREN'T vegan and insist upon bringing their cream of mushroom junk and sweet potatoes with marshmallows (YUCK!) because they aren't comfortable around anyone with the manners to host a dinner party. If it's not mama's sweet tea and special "home cookin'" then they can't function.
They can stay at the trailer park where they belong.-COLLAPSE
Even if your host or hostess is clearly NOT providing your dinner for you? I mean, if the hostess refuses to serve something I can eat, how is it rude for me to provide for myself?
It's a real rude host/ess who would invite a vegan to dinner, serve nothing but ham, turkey, and a potato salad with mayo, and then take offense if they then have no recourse but to eat something they prepared on...+READ
Even if your host or hostess is clearly NOT providing your dinner for you? I mean, if the hostess refuses to serve something I can eat, how is it rude for me to provide for myself?
It's a real rude host/ess who would invite a vegan to dinner, serve nothing but ham, turkey, and a potato salad with mayo, and then take offense if they then have no recourse but to eat something they prepared on their own. Or should we content ourselves to starve while we watch everyone else gorge on the flesh of our dead?-COLLAPSE
This dinner-party scenario just makes me grit my teeth with anger. People are so damn clueless about proper etiquette today. They treat every occasion like a free-for-all potluck... the dinner party must be an endangered institution, because apparently nobody out there understands the rules. Host says, "Come over Friday and I will feed you" you say "Ok, thank you, what time?" If it's not a casual...+READ
This dinner-party scenario just makes me grit my teeth with anger. People are so damn clueless about proper etiquette today. They treat every occasion like a free-for-all potluck... the dinner party must be an endangered institution, because apparently nobody out there understands the rules. Host says, "Come over Friday and I will feed you" you say "Ok, thank you, what time?" If it's not a casual pool party or a backyard bbq with the gang, you shouldn't even ask if you can bring a dish. That is rude.
The "never arrive empty-handed" rule is not a free pass to bring your own eats and ruin a well-planned evening. You are meant to bring a small gift for your host(s), nothing more. And a gift is not something you expect to EAT yourself! You do not bring your own dinner or dessert into someone else's home when they clearly are going to be providing it for you.
That'd be like gifting your host a sweater and insisting on wearing it yourself? Or perhaps bring your own chair to place at their table, because it's the Mister's favorite chair you know? Here, we bought a gallon of paint because we like to eat in yellow rooms.-COLLAPSE
I personally think the vegan issue (and the allergy issue) are completely separate from the crude behavior of people who simply don't listen to a person's preferences. It sort of goes without saying that if you're having a dinner party, and you invite someone vegan that they'll have to bring their own food (unless you're skilled at vegan cuisine).
But the assholes who bring their cheap, boxed...+READ
I personally think the vegan issue (and the allergy issue) are completely separate from the crude behavior of people who simply don't listen to a person's preferences. It sort of goes without saying that if you're having a dinner party, and you invite someone vegan that they'll have to bring their own food (unless you're skilled at vegan cuisine).
But the assholes who bring their cheap, boxed icecream, or nasty potato salad in my case, deserve to be humiliated and to never be invited back.
And they should get flesh-eating bacteria or cancer of the face.-COLLAPSE
Thanks for the reassurance. I'd certainly not be offended if I invited a non-vegan guest and they wished to bring along cheese or ice cream or something like that for their own consumption. I've even invited guests to bring along meat if they absolutely cannot live without it, with the condition that I cannot and will not cook or prepare it.
No one's ever taken me up on that, though- I've...+READ
Thanks for the reassurance. I'd certainly not be offended if I invited a non-vegan guest and they wished to bring along cheese or ice cream or something like that for their own consumption. I've even invited guests to bring along meat if they absolutely cannot live without it, with the condition that I cannot and will not cook or prepare it.
No one's ever taken me up on that, though- I've received nothing but praise for my cooking, even from picky eaters.-COLLAPSE
Opehlia you should always bring something along just for you to your in laws they just dont get it and its not healthy to sit there and watch. I used to be vegan and macro and I can tell you no one gets it, no one should and no one should have to provide for you - and do you really want you MIL preparing your meal? She will probably flavor your soup with a ham hock but then say its ok because she...+READ
Opehlia you should always bring something along just for you to your in laws they just dont get it and its not healthy to sit there and watch. I used to be vegan and macro and I can tell you no one gets it, no one should and no one should have to provide for you - and do you really want you MIL preparing your meal? She will probably flavor your soup with a ham hock but then say its ok because she took it out at the end. I think the real issue posted above here is when folks bring something and expect it to be served to all and instead of - what you would bring would be for you and no one else.-COLLAPSE
I'm vegan. I would never dream of asking a host or hostess to prepare a separate entree or side dish for me. I always ask if I can bring something along, and if a suggestion is made I will bring a suitable vegani version of what was requested.
This works fine unless we're eating with my in-laws. My mother-in-law especially will tell me she has me covered, but when dinnertime arrives I find...+READ
I'm vegan. I would never dream of asking a host or hostess to prepare a separate entree or side dish for me. I always ask if I can bring something along, and if a suggestion is made I will bring a suitable vegani version of what was requested.
This works fine unless we're eating with my in-laws. My mother-in-law especially will tell me she has me covered, but when dinnertime arrives I find there is nothing at all that I can eat. Two Chistmases ago my SO asked SIX times if we should bring something. Each time we were assured MIL had it covered. At the dinner table the options were: ham, turkey, lasagna, cucumber salad in sour cream, sliced cheese and salami, and rice pudding. My "dinner" that evening consisted of a handful of green olives.
Is it really so rude to bring along something I can eat when visiting friends or family, rather than insist the host or hostess prepare a separate dish? Am I really so wrong in thinking that what I'm going to this party for is the company, anyway, so presumably my presence at the party is more important than whether or not I bring something so I can eat while everyone else does?
While I've had various people assure me that it's poor taste on the part of the host or hostess not to provide for the dietary needs of a guest, I've always felt it would be worse to ask my host or hostess to go to extra trouble on my account if I can bring something along.-COLLAPSE
I think when people who up with something store bought and mention its "Dad's favorire" its their way of telling you that they dont like surprises or change. I dont reward this behavior and like the other hundreds of people who have written the same here I would consider it a host gift AND OR, I would mention it to the wife later ,that I had already made home made ice cream, does she want me to...+READ
I think when people who up with something store bought and mention its "Dad's favorire" its their way of telling you that they dont like surprises or change. I dont reward this behavior and like the other hundreds of people who have written the same here I would consider it a host gift AND OR, I would mention it to the wife later ,that I had already made home made ice cream, does she want me to put the special one out for her special husband?-COLLAPSE
Why does this need to be so hard?
They probably felt awkward bringing a tub of ice cream, comparing its cost and the effort involved to the dinner they were coming for. They said it was their favorite in order to talk it up. If they like it so much, they can always buy more on their way home.
I agree with the poster who said she always emphacizes that her gift is to be enjoyed by the hosts...+READ
Why does this need to be so hard?
They probably felt awkward bringing a tub of ice cream, comparing its cost and the effort involved to the dinner they were coming for. They said it was their favorite in order to talk it up. If they like it so much, they can always buy more on their way home.
I agree with the poster who said she always emphacizes that her gift is to be enjoyed by the hosts later, though I have been in the situation that I really want to drink the wine i brought, but it remains unopened even as lesser offerings are consumed.
Back to the ice cream--"oh good! A back-up in case our homemade plan doesn't work out so well!" can explain why it's not being eaten, point out the mistake, and help the guests save face. all with one little (well-faked) laugh.-COLLAPSE
Why does this need to be so hard?
They probably felt awkward bringing a tub of ice cream, comparing its cost and the effort involved to the dinner they were coming for. They said it was their favorite in order to talk it up. If they like it so much, they can always buy more on their way home.
I agree with the poster who said she always emphacizes that her gift is to be enjoyed by the hosts...+READ
Why does this need to be so hard?
They probably felt awkward bringing a tub of ice cream, comparing its cost and the effort involved to the dinner they were coming for. They said it was their favorite in order to talk it up. If they like it so much, they can always buy more on their way home.
I agree with the poster who said she always emphacizes that her gift is to be enjoyed by the hosts later, though I have been in the situation that I really want to drink the wine i brought, but it remains unopened even as lesser offerings are consumed.
Back to the ice cream--"oh good! A back-up in case our homemade plan doesn't work out so well!" can explain why it's not being eaten, point out the mistake, and help the guests save face. all with one little (well-faked) laugh.-COLLAPSE
thank you.
you know, for years I have felt a little guilty about my feelings about this incident. and rarely do people discuss this sort of thing, so coming here and seeing this discussion was really cathartic for me.
during bbqs or big family crazy get togethers, I encourage any and all contributions because feeding people all day is a LOT of work. and it gives me an opportunity to sit down...+READ
thank you.
you know, for years I have felt a little guilty about my feelings about this incident. and rarely do people discuss this sort of thing, so coming here and seeing this discussion was really cathartic for me.
during bbqs or big family crazy get togethers, I encourage any and all contributions because feeding people all day is a LOT of work. and it gives me an opportunity to sit down and enjoy. add to that, those sides and salads and bean dishes are fun and surprising - so..the odder, the better.
SUMMER BBQ HEADS UP: I just stumbled across a recipe for popped corn salad. Ingredients include real bacon bits and cheddar cheese and lots of mayo..... a real heart clogger. oh yea!-COLLAPSE
I think I would have "accidently" dropped it on the floor.
"Oh dear! I'm so sorry! I'm sure you worked *so* hard on that."
An eggnog cake? Who in the hell makes that? I'd rather eat my own feces.
rereading my post it seems more angry than I am. however, it was an eyeopener and a learning experience for me. I always specify what I'd like my guests to bring if I'm doing the "big dinner" thing, as I like to create entire eating experiences. I also expect that guests will bring items even when I ask them not to as some people get into the spirit of a communal meal even when you try to convey...+READ
rereading my post it seems more angry than I am. however, it was an eyeopener and a learning experience for me. I always specify what I'd like my guests to bring if I'm doing the "big dinner" thing, as I like to create entire eating experiences. I also expect that guests will bring items even when I ask them not to as some people get into the spirit of a communal meal even when you try to convey that this isn't exactly what I have in mind.
So when my husband and I moved back to the region, we had a huge dinner party to usher in the new year and to try out my new kitchen. and in this instance, I requested that our guests not bring anything other than candy, flowers, wine or bread and once more, my best friend brought her daughter who brought her eggnog cake as ghastly sweet as ever.
life.-COLLAPSE
I will not mince words on this topic as it is a stubborn bone in the throat issue with me.
I offered to make Christmas dinner one year for friends, on one condition: that no one bring anything. I wanted to reciprocate for years of eating their food and being a very good cook, made all the courses, from soup to nuts, including a fabulous no flour chocoate cake with a raspberry puree and fresh...+READ
I will not mince words on this topic as it is a stubborn bone in the throat issue with me.
I offered to make Christmas dinner one year for friends, on one condition: that no one bring anything. I wanted to reciprocate for years of eating their food and being a very good cook, made all the courses, from soup to nuts, including a fabulous no flour chocoate cake with a raspberry puree and fresh whipped cream dessert.
My best friend's grown daughter was living with her at the time and when we discussed dinner, my friend asked if her daughter might make her annual eggnog cake. You've all had this cake. It's made with that canned eggnog and a cake mix, it's ungodly sweet and not a favorite of mine and regardless of my personal preferences, I did not want anyone to make anything. I wanted to wow them.
Well, she brought the damned cake anyway. And I served it. There was no way around it. People piled that chemical laden cake on their plates next to mine and I can't tell you how pissed off I was.
This was twenty years ago and I still haven't forgotten it. It felt wrong and mean spirited on her part. Maybe on my part. I don't care. It was my party. I spent all the money, I did all the work and I wanted it the way I wanted it. Call me ungrateful or petty or whatever.-COLLAPSE
This issue really gets under my skin. I live in the South, and I don't care what anyone says about supposed manners or "Southern Hospitality" (that is really a myth), taking food when you have been told it is not needed is a slap in the face to your host/hostess.
Have we gotten so stupid as a society that we don't know the difference between "dinner party" and "potluck?"
I once had a small...+READ
This issue really gets under my skin. I live in the South, and I don't care what anyone says about supposed manners or "Southern Hospitality" (that is really a myth), taking food when you have been told it is not needed is a slap in the face to your host/hostess.
Have we gotten so stupid as a society that we don't know the difference between "dinner party" and "potluck?"
I once had a small dinner party, and the husband asked if we needed them to bring anything. My husband said, "NO, please don't bring anything We have taken care of everything and are looking forward to seeing you tomorrow night."
Well, this rude guy said, "I don't care if you don't want me to bring anything or not. I'm bringing my 'famous' potato salad anyway." What an ass.
It all worked out, however, when they arrived and saw fresh flowers on the table, a white tablecloth, and freshly ironed white napkins. The table was set, classical music was playing, the food was amazing, and it was a lovely evening.
Their potato salad sat on the counter barely touched and obviously out of place. No one wanted any (except him and wifey). Even when it was offered.
No hostess gift, no 'thank-you' note, no nothing after. And these were not our best friends either. This was more of a work-related thing. You would think that manners would have been more important here. But potato salad man (and his wife) were shocked to actually be using cloth napkins!
I would also suggest a nice olive oil as a hostess gift. Terra Midi or something similar wrapped in a tea towel and tied with a nice fabric ribbon.-COLLAPSE
Didn't we already cover this topic, with the guy who brought his own ribs?
I consider my dinner and brunch parties informal, but I do not like it when people bring food after I told them not to bring anything, especially since in NYC, that means whatever is brought over will be purchased and I do not purchase prepared foods. Growing up, our family always made something when going to someone's home -- but it was always explicit with my parents' Chinese American crowd...+READ
I consider my dinner and brunch parties informal, but I do not like it when people bring food after I told them not to bring anything, especially since in NYC, that means whatever is brought over will be purchased and I do not purchase prepared foods. Growing up, our family always made something when going to someone's home -- but it was always explicit with my parents' Chinese American crowd that meals are usually potluck anyway. Unless it is a potluck, don't bring any food, especially store brought food (and I don't care if so and so bakery makes the most amazing red velvet cake.-COLLAPSE
This post makes me really glad that my friends are not the formal "dinner party" types; it just sounds altogether too complicated and like there are far too many rules in place for everyone to end up satisfied and have fun. We just get together and eat good food. If someone brings crappy wine, all the better: we simply drink it after we've enjoyed enough of the better stuff that it no longer...+READ
This post makes me really glad that my friends are not the formal "dinner party" types; it just sounds altogether too complicated and like there are far too many rules in place for everyone to end up satisfied and have fun. We just get together and eat good food. If someone brings crappy wine, all the better: we simply drink it after we've enjoyed enough of the better stuff that it no longer makes a difference and we can laugh about it.-COLLAPSE
Never bring food to a dinner party unless cleared by the host. Especially the first time you are invited. After that, you get a feel of what might be appropriate depending on the host. I also think it is rude to bring beer, wine or liquor with the expectation of drinking what you brought with you. However, if the host gave no thought to what drinks are being served, then this might not be a bab...+READ
Never bring food to a dinner party unless cleared by the host. Especially the first time you are invited. After that, you get a feel of what might be appropriate depending on the host. I also think it is rude to bring beer, wine or liquor with the expectation of drinking what you brought with you. However, if the host gave no thought to what drinks are being served, then this might not be a bab idea. Candy, flowers or maybe a small gift for the children of the host is perfect (if they have small children).-COLLAPSE
As someone with a varied "class" of friend (I was rather bemused about the people being snooty comments, but I digress), it is amazing how easy it is to have people bring food when wanted or NOT bring food!
When I have my annual Super Bowl/Birthday Party, people know it will be a buffet spread done by a vegetarian. One friend who loves his meat gets told with a laugh, "If you want meat, you...+READ
As someone with a varied "class" of friend (I was rather bemused about the people being snooty comments, but I digress), it is amazing how easy it is to have people bring food when wanted or NOT bring food!
When I have my annual Super Bowl/Birthday Party, people know it will be a buffet spread done by a vegetarian. One friend who loves his meat gets told with a laugh, "If you want meat, you better bring it!" And he does. Others ask "What can I bring?" and I tell them. And they bring what I ask for! So while I know there are big cultural differences, when it's dining with friends after the first time, it ought to work out fine.
When I am having a more formal sit down, people again ask if they can bring something. Sometimes I go "Yes, the green salad!" Or not. And, again, they listen and actually are happy to arrive with or without something. They know I have a cellar and frankly that I love to show off fun wines for my friends, so booze only really shows up at the big party with folks who want something other than wine bring it.
But then, I know I have magnificent fast-learning friends, no matter what their backgrounds!
My absolute favorites are those who look at my staring eyes at the end of the evening and help clear the table and do dishes! Bliss bliss bliss, and I return the favor. Nothing better than a clean house the next morning -- you can really enjoy the memory of the party then. And amazing how you can have the neatest talks over a sink full of suds.
Oh, and thinking of booze, if the house of the wooden turkeys invites me over for a meal, I promise to bring some Wild Turkey or wine from my cellar! ;-)-COLLAPSE
I was in a similar situation once...I threw a fancy Valentine's Day dinner party: five courses, all homemade, planned and tested weeks in advance and prepared over three days. Basically, a lot of love and work went into my menu.
One of the guests, a friend of a friend (actually, an add-on invite and a good example of why I *always* plan for one extra just-in-case person) brought homemade...+READ
I was in a similar situation once...I threw a fancy Valentine's Day dinner party: five courses, all homemade, planned and tested weeks in advance and prepared over three days. Basically, a lot of love and work went into my menu.
One of the guests, a friend of a friend (actually, an add-on invite and a good example of why I *always* plan for one extra just-in-case person) brought homemade cookies. They were heart shaped and frosted, and clearly he put some time into making them. I wasn't particuarly inclined to shove my dense chocolate cake heart-shaped tarts with rosemary ganache aside, but I did plate the cookies and serve them at-will in the middle of the table.
I don't think you should bring food to a dinner party. Wine is perfectly acceptable for most occasions, and there is no danger of interfering with the host's plans. Wine can be graciously accepted and either served or not.-COLLAPSE
i once had a pot luck dinner at my house and someone had the nerve to bring opened containers of store bought dip and opened boxes of crackers! i couldn't believe it when she showed me what she had brought. so i politely said thank you and quickly put them in a nice serving dish as to not let others see how tacky and rude this was. i'd prefer people bring nothing at all than bring something that...+READ
i once had a pot luck dinner at my house and someone had the nerve to bring opened containers of store bought dip and opened boxes of crackers! i couldn't believe it when she showed me what she had brought. so i politely said thank you and quickly put them in a nice serving dish as to not let others see how tacky and rude this was. i'd prefer people bring nothing at all than bring something that was half eaten and obviously leftovers from the fridge.-COLLAPSE
I think if the host says they have all parts of the meal covered then if the guest really doesn't want to come empty handed bring in something like a platter of cheese, wine, or maybe a small box of chocolates. Something that can either be served that night or the host can enjoy later. I've had a couple of times where I have had family over and specifically said not to bring certain food items....+READ
I think if the host says they have all parts of the meal covered then if the guest really doesn't want to come empty handed bring in something like a platter of cheese, wine, or maybe a small box of chocolates. Something that can either be served that night or the host can enjoy later. I've had a couple of times where I have had family over and specifically said not to bring certain food items. One time my aunt insisted on fruit, even though I didn't need it. I did serve it with dessert as a healthy option. Another time I told my aunt I had dessert covered. She brought a ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins anyway, and I did go ahead and serve it. I did get annoyed only because she insisted that I keep it, but it came in this big huge box and it was hard to find a spot in the freezer for it. I also certainly wasn't going to eat that whole cake (with the few of us we barely put a dent in it) anytime soon. I gave my son a small piece a few days later and wound up throwing the rest away. So one thing I prefer if someone is to bring something that it is small enough that could be eaten that night if it does go with the meal, or something that could be used by the host or their family in a reasonable amount of time. I have to admit so many times people bring these big cakes for dessert and I wind up throwing most of it away since we don't eat large pieces of cake every night for dessert. I'm not trying to be ungrateful for these desserts, but if we only have 4 people and you bring a cake large enough for 12 it becomes more of a hassle figuring out what to do with the rest. To be honest many times if I get these large items brought for dinner I tell the guests to take it back home and enjoy it. Most of the time they insist on me keeping it but I always feel so bad when most of it goes in the garbage. For a large crowd and you offer dessert and the host accepts, that is fine.-COLLAPSE
I think if the host says they have all parts of the meal covered then if the guest really doesn't want to come empty handed bring in something like a platter of cheese, wine, or maybe a small box of chocolates. Something that can either be served that night or the host can enjoy later. I've had a couple of times where I have had family over and specifically said not to bring certain food items....+READ
I think if the host says they have all parts of the meal covered then if the guest really doesn't want to come empty handed bring in something like a platter of cheese, wine, or maybe a small box of chocolates. Something that can either be served that night or the host can enjoy later. I've had a couple of times where I have had family over and specifically said not to bring certain food items. One time my aunt insisted on fruit, even though I didn't need it. I did serve it with dessert as a healthy option. Another time I told my aunt I had dessert covered. She brought a ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins anyway, and I did go ahead and serve it. I did get annoyed only because she insisted that I keep it, but it came in this big huge box and it was hard to find a spot in the freezer for it. I also certainly wasn't going to eat that whole cake (with the few of us we barely put a dent in it) anytime soon. I gave my son a small piece a few days later and wound up throwing the rest away. So one thing I prefer if someone is to bring something that it is small enough that could be eaten that night if it does go with the meal, or something that could be used by the host or their family in a reasonable amount of time. I have to admit so many times people bring these big cakes for dessert and I wind up throwing most of it away since we don't eat large pieces of cake every night for dessert. I'm not trying to be ungrateful for these desserts, but if we only have 4 people and you bring a cake large enough for 12 it becomes more of a hassle figuring out what to do with the rest. To be honest many times if I get these large items brought for dinner I tell the guests to take it back home and enjoy it. Most of the time they insist on me keeping it but I always feel so bad when most of it goes in the garbage. For a large crowd and you offer dessert and the host accepts, that is fine.-COLLAPSE
mental note: don't bring wine to wine snob's home.
i think the point here, is to know your hosts and to communicate..then again, most people who give any thought to such a thing, won't likely make the mistake anyway . And at the same time, there will be oversights....
as for guests....seriously...you will not starve to death if you show up at a sushi party, or a meat fest (and i say this as...+READ
mental note: don't bring wine to wine snob's home.
i think the point here, is to know your hosts and to communicate..then again, most people who give any thought to such a thing, won't likely make the mistake anyway . And at the same time, there will be oversights....
as for guests....seriously...you will not starve to death if you show up at a sushi party, or a meat fest (and i say this as a vegetatian who has made a few meals out of a potato ), for one meal if you don't liiiikkkkke anything (insert whine here). I've had people do this at my parties and it comes across as childish. Bringing something for the host is one thing, bringing something because YOU like to eat it.........c'mon.-COLLAPSE
One suggestion I haven't seen here is some nice breakfast food for the host, who may not have thought of what to eat the next morning and probably don't want to think about cooking. I'm talking easy stuff, like croissants, muffins, a nice jam with a small loaf of bread.
Flowers bug me, because some types give me allergies and then I can't smell the food or wine in my own home.
Worst of all is a...+READ
One suggestion I haven't seen here is some nice breakfast food for the host, who may not have thought of what to eat the next morning and probably don't want to think about cooking. I'm talking easy stuff, like croissants, muffins, a nice jam with a small loaf of bread.
Flowers bug me, because some types give me allergies and then I can't smell the food or wine in my own home.
Worst of all is a wine that is markedly inferior to what I'm serving my guests, in terms of harsh or off flavors. When that happens I usually just open it and put it at their end of the table, and drink my own wine from another open bottle. If it doesn't get finished by the end of the evening, sometimes they notice and take a hint, other times they don't.-COLLAPSE
I planned a surprise party for my boyfriend and had everything all set and a friend showed up with pigs in a blanket... not because she wanted to contribute but because she was afraid there wouldn't be something that she liked... It didn't ruin the party or food I had planned but it certainly looked really silly next to sushi and other really nice food I'd had catered.
If I'm planning a dinner and a guest asks if they can bring anything, I usually ask for wine, unless there's something specific they could help out with. If they've brought along an unsolicited item (like icecream) that doesn't work with my plans, I'd have no problem thanking them, but not serving it. If they think you're rude for not serving it, they're unlikely to do it again, after all! As a...+READ
If I'm planning a dinner and a guest asks if they can bring anything, I usually ask for wine, unless there's something specific they could help out with. If they've brought along an unsolicited item (like icecream) that doesn't work with my plans, I'd have no problem thanking them, but not serving it. If they think you're rude for not serving it, they're unlikely to do it again, after all! As a guest (and a keen baker) I occasionally bring home-made bread or baked goods with me to dinner, but I don't expect it to be served with the meal - it's a gift for the host, not something I was expecting to eat myself!-COLLAPSE
I entertained over the weekend (NOT for the Super Bowl) and as soon as my guest asked what she could bring I thought of this blog. My standard answer is always "just yourselves". This time I said, "a dishwasher" since I don't have one. My guest came empty-handed but insisted that she do the dishes. Dishes, pots, silverware, glasses, everything. Washed, dried and put away!! This was the nicest...+READ
I entertained over the weekend (NOT for the Super Bowl) and as soon as my guest asked what she could bring I thought of this blog. My standard answer is always "just yourselves". This time I said, "a dishwasher" since I don't have one. My guest came empty-handed but insisted that she do the dishes. Dishes, pots, silverware, glasses, everything. Washed, dried and put away!! This was the nicest host's gift I ever got!!-COLLAPSE
Cyberdependent, not only is it "different social conditioning," but if you read through all the posts, you'd see that it's different cultural conditioning as well. No one's style is better than anyone else's, but obviously this isn't such a black-and-white topic, judging by all the responses here.
And, you can bet that when I say, "You don't need to bring anything," I mean it. I don't feel...+READ
Cyberdependent, not only is it "different social conditioning," but if you read through all the posts, you'd see that it's different cultural conditioning as well. No one's style is better than anyone else's, but obviously this isn't such a black-and-white topic, judging by all the responses here.
And, you can bet that when I say, "You don't need to bring anything," I mean it. I don't feel like I have to provide an explanation to my guests, esp. along the lines of how long it took me to prepare their meals. Why don't I provide them with a itemized receipt of the purchases I made for their meal while I'm at it?
Sometimes "no" really means..."no." And if your host says it, then really, the onus is on you, the guest to get it.-COLLAPSE
I would rather come up with some lame excuse for bailing on an evening than show up empty-handed. I don't see how someone bringing a food item to a dinner party could possibly be considered rude. Behaviors cannot be rude on their own, they must also have an accompanying intent. Would you think it rude of a Muslim dinner guest didn't eat your pulled pork? No, because it was not his intent to...+READ
I would rather come up with some lame excuse for bailing on an evening than show up empty-handed. I don't see how someone bringing a food item to a dinner party could possibly be considered rude. Behaviors cannot be rude on their own, they must also have an accompanying intent. Would you think it rude of a Muslim dinner guest didn't eat your pulled pork? No, because it was not his intent to insult you. If you're insulted, the problem is all yours, bucko.
Then again, none of my friends are anal retentive enough to get all worked up about someone's gift ruining their oh-so-perfectly laid out plans. What, did you cry when your blocks got out of order as a kid, too? Take a xanax, slam some wine, and chill the heck out! What is the point of having a dinner party if you're gonna get stressed about it?
That said, as a vegetarian, I often try to be very explicit about what will be on the menu when invited over for dinner, and work with the host to ensure things go smoothly. But most of the time we're such good friends with those we dine with, things just work out fine with nothing said.
I guess it's just a matter of the expected level of formality. If the invitation comes in the mail with a little piece of vellum, then no dish is usually necessary... if it's a phone call and a "hey, wanna do dinner at our place" then yeah, we'll probably bring a dish to complement whatever the host is making.
The responsibility is really on the host to be perfectly clear. "You don't need to bring anything" sounds like a polite platitude to me. Like when the bartender asks how your day was, he doesn't really care, it's just what the role calls for. I've have had plenty of dinner dates where that was said and there turned out to not be enough food because the host really did expect people to bring *something*. Now, if not having someone bring a dish is really important for you, then you should be quite specific... "I've spent a lot of time working up the perfectly complementary 5 course menu, there is really nothing you could bring." Then, if a person still shows up with tuna casserole, still try not to be rude, but don't feel guilty if it stays in the kitchen as opposed to getting a spot of honor on the main table.
I really just don't comprehend how people could think it "rude" though. Different social conditioning, I guess.-COLLAPSE
I absolutely agree with thought_for_food. While flowers are nice, it is an imposition to bring them loose, and then expect the host (who has plenty to do with last minute preparations and receiving guests) to unwrap them, prepare them, and put them in a vase with water. I guess you could hand your guest a vase and ask them to please take care of it.
Even better, is having a floral arrangement...+READ
I absolutely agree with thought_for_food. While flowers are nice, it is an imposition to bring them loose, and then expect the host (who has plenty to do with last minute preparations and receiving guests) to unwrap them, prepare them, and put them in a vase with water. I guess you could hand your guest a vase and ask them to please take care of it.
Even better, is having a floral arrangement sent the next day, along with a note, thanking your host for a nice evening.-COLLAPSE
kavikat, as someone who travels for long persiods of time I can understand the problem with giving plants. No matter how low-maintenance they are, I always feel like I am being forced to commit herbicide every time I have to leave town.
On the other hand, flowers are a very common hostess gift in Germany, so we usually keep the vases in a handy spot (above he kitchen sink in our case.) The...+READ
kavikat, as someone who travels for long persiods of time I can understand the problem with giving plants. No matter how low-maintenance they are, I always feel like I am being forced to commit herbicide every time I have to leave town.
On the other hand, flowers are a very common hostess gift in Germany, so we usually keep the vases in a handy spot (above he kitchen sink in our case.) The five minutes it takes to fuss with the flowers is worth having a nice reminder of the dinner for the rest of the week. Maybe hosts in the US find it irritating because they are usually taken by surprise.-COLLAPSE
It is a cultural thing. Among South Asians (Sindhis, anyway), it is unheard of to show up a a dinner party empty-handed. It is considered rude not to offer to bring something. If the hosts decline, I would NEVER show up with less than a bottle of (good) wine and some chocolates. Although whiskey is more traditional!
I once brought a beautiful (expensive!), low-maintance plant to a housewarming...+READ
It is a cultural thing. Among South Asians (Sindhis, anyway), it is unheard of to show up a a dinner party empty-handed. It is considered rude not to offer to bring something. If the hosts decline, I would NEVER show up with less than a bottle of (good) wine and some chocolates. Although whiskey is more traditional!
I once brought a beautiful (expensive!), low-maintance plant to a housewarming dinner (the hostess had mentioned on a previous occaisiona how she loved all the plants in my home). If I had handed her a box of worms, she couldn't have looked more shocked! Among some peopole, 'creative' is not appreciated!-COLLAPSE
It is a cultural thing. Among South Asians (Sindhis, anyway), it is unheard of to show up a a dinner party empty-handed. It is considered rude not to offer to bring something. If the hosts decline, I would NEVER show up with less than a bottle of (good) wine and some chocolates. Although whiskey is more traditional!
I once brought a beautiful (expensive!), low-maintance plant to a housewarming...+READ
It is a cultural thing. Among South Asians (Sindhis, anyway), it is unheard of to show up a a dinner party empty-handed. It is considered rude not to offer to bring something. If the hosts decline, I would NEVER show up with less than a bottle of (good) wine and some chocolates. Although whiskey is more traditional!
I once brought a beautiful (expensive!), low-maintance plant to a housewarming dinner (the hostess had mentioned on a previous occaisiona how she loved all the plants in my home). If I had handed her a box of worms, she couldn't have looked more shocked! Among some peopole, 'creative' is not appreciated!-COLLAPSE
"i think that this guy is really a rotten person period so..."
Yeah, they broke up shortly thereafter when my mother (who apparently now reads Chow) and sister asked him not to bring another full turkey for Christmas).
While I agree that in the scheme of things, this isn't a huge problem, it still surprises me that someone would do this. I'd be upset, too. I also probably would have handled it the same way this hostess did, though.
As far as the question of being "required" to serve food vs. keeping wine - in general, the food will come in a container that the guest provided. As a host, keeping the container for something they clearly brought thinking it would enhance the evening is adding insult to injury.
Yes, the ice cream was store-bought, but the comment about it being "a favorite" and that the guests thought they'd...+READ
As far as the question of being "required" to serve food vs. keeping wine - in general, the food will come in a container that the guest provided. As a host, keeping the container for something they clearly brought thinking it would enhance the evening is adding insult to injury.
Yes, the ice cream was store-bought, but the comment about it being "a favorite" and that the guests thought they'd provided "dessert" meant serving was the expected result.
Some guests feel this way about wine.
I appreciate Helena's advice - the whole point is to LEARN how to carry out this situation in the future. The writer learned that they'd behaved properly when presented with the ice cream & hopefully any hopeful ice-cream-bearers in the future will stop and think, "you know what would be better - those lovely daisies at the flower counter!"
I also appreciated the fact that Helena offered up some substantial reason as to why people feel the need to bring things even when they're expressly told not to. You can believe the study or not, but I think it's a nice way to not take it personally when someone shows up with unwanted gift in hand.-COLLAPSE
ogiovetti
you forgot to mention his own stuffing which did NOT get eaten as we all ate the stuffing I made from your grandmother's wonderful recipe..that story has become urban legend and every guest I invite for thanksgiving has brought be either a rubber, cardboard, or wooden turkey.( i wish they'd bring a bottle of wild turkey}
ogiovetti
not to be gross (really mean this)
i think that this guy is really a rotten person period so... i think you should prepare his dish with some body fluids/or solids in it
been there done that once
A few Thanksgivings ago, my aunt brought her boyfriend who was a bit of a pompous ass. He came to a dinner I had before moving out of the country and, upon hearing I'd be making dessert, brought a mountain of cookies and cake.
This time around he was asked not to bring his dog (a yappy little terrier) as my mother's larger dogs (who are both pretty old) are uncomfortable around toy dogs....+READ
A few Thanksgivings ago, my aunt brought her boyfriend who was a bit of a pompous ass. He came to a dinner I had before moving out of the country and, upon hearing I'd be making dessert, brought a mountain of cookies and cake.
This time around he was asked not to bring his dog (a yappy little terrier) as my mother's larger dogs (who are both pretty old) are uncomfortable around toy dogs. Naturally, he did and the poor big dogs had to sit outside in the cold while the little bitch got underfoot. He also brought....
His own Turkey. Fully cooked. And a pot to make his own gravy.
Because when I'm going to my quasi-in-law's house for Thanksgiving, that's the first thing I think to bring.-COLLAPSE
A few Thanksgivings ago, my aunt brought her boyfriend who was a bit of a pompous ass. He came to a dinner I had before moving out of the country and, upon hearing I'd be making dessert, brought a mountain of cookies and cake.
This time around he was asked not to bring his dog (a yappy little terrier) as my mother's larger dogs (who are both pretty old) are uncomfortable around toy dogs....+READ
A few Thanksgivings ago, my aunt brought her boyfriend who was a bit of a pompous ass. He came to a dinner I had before moving out of the country and, upon hearing I'd be making dessert, brought a mountain of cookies and cake.
This time around he was asked not to bring his dog (a yappy little terrier) as my mother's larger dogs (who are both pretty old) are uncomfortable around toy dogs. Naturally, he did and the poor big dogs had to sit outside in the cold while the little bitch got underfoot. He also brought....
His own Turkey. Fully cooked. And a pot to make his own gravy.
Because when I'm going to my quasi-in-law's house for Thanksgiving, that's the first thing I think to bring.-COLLAPSE
It seems really simple to me. I would have just said, "I'm making a special homemade ice cream for dessert, too, so now we'll have an ice cream binge after dinner!" Hosting is about making your guests happy, and clearly they wanted this ice cram.
Like some people mentioned, if someone bringing food is going to be an issue due to the nature of the event (e.g. formal dinner party), then get people...+READ
It seems really simple to me. I would have just said, "I'm making a special homemade ice cream for dessert, too, so now we'll have an ice cream binge after dinner!" Hosting is about making your guests happy, and clearly they wanted this ice cram.
Like some people mentioned, if someone bringing food is going to be an issue due to the nature of the event (e.g. formal dinner party), then get people to bring something harmless like their most unusual favourite cheese. Then start the night off with a cheese and crackers plate with one cheese from each person. It would be a great conversation piece to break the ice in a group of strangers, too, since everyone can discuss their favourite cheese, why, and how they first came to taste it.
In this case, given kids were involved, it sounded pretty casual to me, and I'm not surprised that what happened did happen.
Honestly, I am surprised, though, at how pent up some people here get over the perhaps poorly expressed but probably well intentioned generosity of others. I guess, in the grand scheme, it really seems like such a small problem.-COLLAPSE
Depending on how formal the dinner is, i don't have a huge problem with someone showing up with a dish (say in the case of a thanksgiving dinner with many casseroles, or in the case of someone with severe dietary restrictions that for some reason i couldn't accomodate...and i would try)....as long as they don't bring EXACTLY what i'm serving. I take a lot of pride in my baking, and particularly...+READ
Depending on how formal the dinner is, i don't have a huge problem with someone showing up with a dish (say in the case of a thanksgiving dinner with many casseroles, or in the case of someone with severe dietary restrictions that for some reason i couldn't accomodate...and i would try)....as long as they don't bring EXACTLY what i'm serving. I take a lot of pride in my baking, and particularly my cheesecakes....now if someone knowing full well that i am serving a cheesecake for dessert showed up at my home with one of those cheap sara lee frozen things....i'd be taken aback. Doing this is somehow saying that what the host is serving is not good enough, or that perhaps the guest is just one big child who refuses to eat anything but "his or her brand".
I don't eat any meat, but i would never show up at someone's home with a soy loaf to eat..i would simply eat around the dish if i could (i can make a meal out of a potato, who cares!).
This being said, I rarely if ever have shown up at anyone else's home empty handed....and i very much appreciate when people show to my home with something (but i don't expect it, nor do i care if they don't). Usually this means, a bottle of wine, some home made preserves or pickles, a nice local cheese etc...not something that interferes with the meal. For more casual meals i have brought along a cake, or to a casserole type meal, a dish, or to BBQ type things, my own veggie burgers or something, but i wouldn't care if that all went into the fridge either.-COLLAPSE
Culinaryculture, fresh veggies and salt sound like the perfect gift for a foodie.
i hosted a dinner party and had about a dozen people over. one couple decided to bring a pie. i graciously accepted it but put it to the side without the intent of serving it.
come dessert time this couple declared outloud to everyone else that it was time for pie, heated up my oven (!!!), popped it in and served it on plates and cutlery they grabbed out of the cupboards themselves. i was in...+READ
i hosted a dinner party and had about a dozen people over. one couple decided to bring a pie. i graciously accepted it but put it to the side without the intent of serving it.
come dessert time this couple declared outloud to everyone else that it was time for pie, heated up my oven (!!!), popped it in and served it on plates and cutlery they grabbed out of the cupboards themselves. i was in total shock and awe.
not to mention the female half of this couple showed up in sweatpants. i offered beds for the night to stay, but sweats??-COLLAPSE
I struggle with this dilemma frequently. I often have dinner parties and on many occasions have had a guest tell me that they are bringing something... what does this mean? I have always tried tactful ways of coercing it out of them; however I think that quite often, they don’t even know until hours before. I love to cook elaborate feasts that entertain my guests and make their bellies happy. I...+READ
I struggle with this dilemma frequently. I often have dinner parties and on many occasions have had a guest tell me that they are bringing something... what does this mean? I have always tried tactful ways of coercing it out of them; however I think that quite often, they don’t even know until hours before. I love to cook elaborate feasts that entertain my guests and make their bellies happy. I put a lot of effort into planning meals, sometimes spending all morning pouring through cook books and my extensive cooking magazines collection. There is nothing worse than having a guest bring a "replacement" to one of your courses or even better yet... half of the meal. Despite the agony on my end I have always "slid that side" back in the fridge or ate humble pie while my majestic creation sat in the kitchen. I agree with all above that it is rude, but some people just don’t get it. If an offer to bring a side is turned down by the host, it is probably for a good reason... don't feel the need to inflict your food upon the menu that they have prepared. For heavens sake, if you are going to bring something be sure that it actually goes with the meal the host is preparing. There is nothing more awkward than showing up to a fondue party with a casserole.....
After reading this article and all of your great posts I have decided to bring a salt to the host when food my offerings are unnecessary. I love salt and have a big collection. Now I can share my passion with them. Or... fresh veggies for my garden, as I believe that they are one of the best gifts one can ever give to another who really appreciates good food.-COLLAPSE
I think it is all what you grew up with. I would never consider someone who brought something rude, they took extra time out of their busy day to try to do something nice for me. Yes perhaps it wasn't exactly as planned, but as a Southern girl we were always taught to bring something. So even if it puts a big hamper on us to make fresh muffins for their next morning or swing by the flower shop...+READ
I think it is all what you grew up with. I would never consider someone who brought something rude, they took extra time out of their busy day to try to do something nice for me. Yes perhaps it wasn't exactly as planned, but as a Southern girl we were always taught to bring something. So even if it puts a big hamper on us to make fresh muffins for their next morning or swing by the flower shop before it closes, we will.
I agree with an above poster that go to hostess gifts are normally wine, flowers or chocolate unless you know them well enough to do different. I love receiving flowers so that is what I normally give. The house always looks and smells so nice with fresh flowers that is a treat for me. And girlfriends always love even when they are just having me over for a simple dinner if I bring them flowers. With the in laws to be and etc I often bring wine or other gifts.
Dishes are harder, but if they are something prepared, especially warm dishes or desserts should be served, but can be served alongside. A, "That was so thoughtful, I made a pie, but I will put this out because I know I want to have a bite of this too," is a good response I often use. So you planned out everything to be perfect, yes, but they are trying to show you how much they appreciate that thought so embrace it and be happy that you have friends who are willing to come eat your food and share in your lives.-COLLAPSE
My mother used the same line with everyone who asked if they could bring something. She would tell them, "I've got the meal covered, but I'll be glad to let you help with washing the dishes."
When I am invited to a dinner party, I always bring something for the hostess/host. Depending on how well I know them it will be either a bottle of wine from my cellar that they are free to serve or not,...+READ
My mother used the same line with everyone who asked if they could bring something. She would tell them, "I've got the meal covered, but I'll be glad to let you help with washing the dishes."
When I am invited to a dinner party, I always bring something for the hostess/host. Depending on how well I know them it will be either a bottle of wine from my cellar that they are free to serve or not, flowers, perhaps a box of chocolates, or once for a friend with a small child, a funny toy for her to play with. My friends usually tell me what they are serving and ask if I'd like to bring a wine that would go well with the meal.-COLLAPSE
I think it was rude for the guests to bring ice cream after the host had specifically told them not to. But I also think it would have been rude on her part to serve it with homemade. The guests were not intending to be rude and so their slight should be overlooked. But making their store bought brand compete with homemade yumminess would be twice as rude!
I'll chime in here on the side that it is rude, rude, rude, to bring something to a dinner party and expect it to be served. especially after the host declined the offer to begin with.
Bring wine, a dessert, whatever, but make it clear that it's for the host to enjoy at a later time. Don't put him or her on the spot
I do not understand why this is so difficult to comprehend.
Swamp yankees never arrive as a guest with empty hands. I always try to bring something I know my host would really enjoy, a bottle of wine, a favorite cheese, a special microbrew, or a new spice rub from The Spice House.
...and it's also a wonderful alliteration!!
I thought the rule was that you should not go empty-handed, but that the host does not have to serve what you bring. We are dessert bringers in my family, so that on Thanksgiving, there are approximately 1-1/2 pies per person. Except for the most formal of dinner parties, I don't really see the problem of offering more than one dessert, but it's ok with me if it is not. I don't think that...+READ
I thought the rule was that you should not go empty-handed, but that the host does not have to serve what you bring. We are dessert bringers in my family, so that on Thanksgiving, there are approximately 1-1/2 pies per person. Except for the most formal of dinner parties, I don't really see the problem of offering more than one dessert, but it's ok with me if it is not. I don't think that supermarket purchases are suitable unless it is a really casual event, such as a bbq. No Entenmann's please. Once at a Thanksgiving dinner I hosted, a guest brought a pie and a gift of potholders. I had never had anyone do that before, and I thought that was very nice.-COLLAPSE
They clearly state that they are both families with kids.
I can easily imagine a child becoming hysterical when they don't get ice cream (I've seen it), and the family bringing it because they are ensuring the child will not embarass them.
That said, I have traditionally served the same dish every holiday. One family member has started bringing their own version of the same dish. It makes...+READ
They clearly state that they are both families with kids.
I can easily imagine a child becoming hysterical when they don't get ice cream (I've seen it), and the family bringing it because they are ensuring the child will not embarass them.
That said, I have traditionally served the same dish every holiday. One family member has started bringing their own version of the same dish. It makes me feel like they don't like mine, although I'm sure they are just trying to pitch in.
As for the napkins - I know the ones the person means, they have retro cartoons with smart-alek sayings on them and would be a perfect hostess gift in my crowd.
I only bring flowers that come in their own container (like live plants) to avoid making a hostess search for a vase and clip stems.-COLLAPSE
I've been to a more informal gathering where the 'vegetarian' dish was chicken. This caused me to rethink my usual plan. I'd taken home-made marmalade and the host was scrambling around trying to get something for me to eat, so had I brought a hearty salad with chick peas or something, it would have smoothed things over. I guess its good to try and assess what kind of evening its going to be, if...+READ
I've been to a more informal gathering where the 'vegetarian' dish was chicken. This caused me to rethink my usual plan. I'd taken home-made marmalade and the host was scrambling around trying to get something for me to eat, so had I brought a hearty salad with chick peas or something, it would have smoothed things over. I guess its good to try and assess what kind of evening its going to be, if its at all informal they wont mind an extra dish to round things out.
If you have dietary restrictions, say gluten free or vegan, I think its sometimes easier on the hosts to bring something you can eat just in case...-COLLAPSE
I live in Minnesota, and generally plan a menu that can easily include things guests bring. For example, I had a dinner party for my birthday a few years ago, and knowing that, especially as it was my birthday, people would be likely to ask, I told people who wanted to bring something to bring cheese. We ended up with an amazing array of cheeses for before and after-dinner tasting and nibbling.
Option....- the point is they DID know. They asked if there was anything they could bring and the host told them no!
This advice is utterly wrong in my mind. Goes against pretty much every major ettiquette book I've read on the subject. Aside from all that, what makes Helena Echlin such an expert that we should follow what she says?
Kathleen M., thank you for this: "But if I am going to someone else's home for a meal, I will bring flowers, already in water in a container that I do not want back."
As much as I like flowers, I find it hard sometimes not to get suddenly a bit grumpy when someone brings cut flowers to me while I am in the midst of a flurry of pre-dinner kitchen activity.
As an Aussie, reading this thread has been really interesting. Firstly because of how passionate and different your opinions are, but secondly because it is very clearly a cultural issue. In Australia it would be unheard of to bring any element of the meal (entree, main or dessert) to a formal dinner party! I just cannot imagine it happening! Very funny... On the other hand, a gift for the host...+READ
As an Aussie, reading this thread has been really interesting. Firstly because of how passionate and different your opinions are, but secondly because it is very clearly a cultural issue. In Australia it would be unheard of to bring any element of the meal (entree, main or dessert) to a formal dinner party! I just cannot imagine it happening! Very funny... On the other hand, a gift for the host (flowers or wine is the usual custom) is simply good manners.
Someone mentioned coloured paper napkins as a suitable 'thank you' gift instead of the store bought ice cream... If you were Australian I would assume you were being sarcastic! It is one of the most bizarre gift ideas ever. What are they worth, $2 at Ikea?? It's seems really cheap and tacky. In fact it is worse than bringing the supermarket icecream cos at least that cost $5.
There are lots of different dining scenarios and whilst I say that bringing a dish to a formal dinner party is not acceptable, there are certainly situations where bringing something is actually expected. At parties people may be asked to 'bring a plate'. It usually consists of food to share amongst all the other guests. It might be a cake, some sandwiches, homemade pies, etc. It's a bit old fashioned, but it's more common in the bush than the city.
If your family and close friends are getting together for a BBQ or something similar, it is common to share the catering responsibilities (one person brings the potato salad, one brings the noodle salad, etc). Everyone brings own wine and beer.
If it's two families that know eachother well and dine regularly at eachother's house, it might be expected to share the cost and effort, so they do half and half...
But as I said earlier, formal dinner parties are different. The host has usually spent quite a bit of money on the occasion(particularly if they are serving pre-dinner drinks and canapes, entree, main, dessert and even a cheese course). They will have bought flowers and wine and gone to a lot of effort. Hopefully they are also using proper linen on the table (not paper napkins). Oh, and here in Australia if a guest brings wine it is considered very bad manners by the host to cellar it. It should be shared between the host and guests preferably that night (but if this is not possible it should be opened together at a later date).
So, hypothetically speaking, if an American guest did bring a dish (hot or icy cold as the case may be) I think I would have to play it by ear as to whether it was suitable for serving, but whatever I decided I would sincerely thank them for the gift and effort.
Thanks for the entertaining thread - it was really good to read everyone's comments.-COLLAPSE
i think the issue is that there are a lot of different types of dinner gatherings. i host and attend everything from formal multi-course meals to funky social potlucks to casual "come over and we can cobble something together and later drink wine and watch whatever we have from netflix" kinda affairs. Different behavior is appropriate for all, and really it is the host's duty to let people know....+READ
i think the issue is that there are a lot of different types of dinner gatherings. i host and attend everything from formal multi-course meals to funky social potlucks to casual "come over and we can cobble something together and later drink wine and watch whatever we have from netflix" kinda affairs. Different behavior is appropriate for all, and really it is the host's duty to let people know. I had barbeque's last summer where I said "I have beer and meat, you bring sides" or "I have beer and sides, you being meat" and all worked fine. I have had dinners with friends where a couple hours before we are on the phone going through our fridges and saying "I've got some cooked butternut squash I need to do something with", and "Oh, yeah? I have some kale - maybe we could make lasagna with squash and greens?". All these types of dinners are fine and no one is more PC than any of the others. That said, there are some dinners where a host who likes to cook will take time to plan out the whole meal experience, everything from appetizers to wine pairings to flavor combinations to dessert. And, yes, to show up to that sort of thing with some random dish that you did not tell the host you would bring is rude. So - my final pronouncement on the subject (I'm angling for Helena's job!) is this: It is the host's job to set the tone for the dinner and explain what type of gathering it will be. It is the guests job to let the host know if they have any special dietary needs, and also to make sure to check in with the host very specifically if there is anything they wish to bring. Its simple to call and say "We were thinking of picking some ice cream up for dessert, would that be ok?" or "I made a great bowl of chinese sesame noodles, and would be glad to bring some if they will go well with what you are serving."
Communicate rather than making assumptions. Simple enough?-COLLAPSE
"i don't think i would assoc with the la tee da types like in the above story i don't fit in - i like the less PC crowd better"
foodperv, what does being PC have to do with any of this? i love when people bring food to my house too, and love bringing it. however, sometimes it really doesn't work - i.e. three green salads - and sometimes people want to plan a whole dinner. it is fine to say so...+READ
"i don't think i would assoc with the la tee da types like in the above story i don't fit in - i like the less PC crowd better"
foodperv, what does being PC have to do with any of this? i love when people bring food to my house too, and love bringing it. however, sometimes it really doesn't work - i.e. three green salads - and sometimes people want to plan a whole dinner. it is fine to say so and does not mean anyone is a "la tee da type", certainly not that they are "PC".-COLLAPSE
I don't think giving a gift can ever be considered rude, even if that gift is a dish brought to a dinner party. You're the host, so you decide what is ultimately served. The gift merely gives you another option. If you decide not to serve the ice cream and your guests react poorly, then THAT would be rude. It's not the guest's fault when the host is unable to establish healthy boundaries.
To start you out, you could sit infront of the TV and devour the ice cream from depression or you could put a sign on your door that says: DO NOT BRING FOOD IF I AM HAVING A DINNER PARTY!! Or something like that. Or just say, "Hey, I made ice cream for my kids, husband, and you ungreatful beasts. So you can either suffer, or eat it." Or my favorite, "Eat it or wear it," So if they choose wear it,...+READ
To start you out, you could sit infront of the TV and devour the ice cream from depression or you could put a sign on your door that says: DO NOT BRING FOOD IF I AM HAVING A DINNER PARTY!! Or something like that. Or just say, "Hey, I made ice cream for my kids, husband, and you ungreatful beasts. So you can either suffer, or eat it." Or my favorite, "Eat it or wear it," So if they choose wear it, you would scoop ice cream from whatever it was in, and plop it on their heads. And no licking!
But they didn't know, so cut them some slack. They cared so what more could you want?-COLLAPSE
To start you out, you could sit infront of the TV and devour the ice cream from depression or you could put a sign on your door that says: DO NOT BRING FOOD IF I AM HAVING A DINNER PARTY!! Or something like that. Or just say, "Hey, I made ice cream for my kids, husband, and you ungreatful beasts. So you can either suffer, or eat it." Or my favorite, "Eat it or wear it," So if they choose wear it,...+READ
To start you out, you could sit infront of the TV and devour the ice cream from depression or you could put a sign on your door that says: DO NOT BRING FOOD IF I AM HAVING A DINNER PARTY!! Or something like that. Or just say, "Hey, I made ice cream for my kids, husband, and you ungreatful beasts. So you can either suffer, or eat it." Or my favorite, "Eat it or wear it," So if they choose wear it, you would scoop ice cream from whatever it was in, and plop it on their heads. And no licking!
But they didn't know, so cut them some slack. They cared so what more could you wany?-COLLAPSE
ok i got a question sort of
what about that kinda thing where you say don't ok you know you mean don't, but they take it more as that invisible (well they don't want me to but i think they are just being polite
i honestly think that what i just said above is what goes through the invited guests head more often then not ,they don't do it to annoy ,they do it out of a kindness in their hearts
Foodperv, I'm not sure what is "la tee da". But, I think that the sub-headline for this column says it all "Don't bring food to a dinner party". It IS rude. But you didn't know that, and I'm sure that you are not a rude person. Like I said in my earlier post, people have brought food to my parties even after I particularly asked them not to. I'm annoyed for several reasons (see others' comments...+READ
Foodperv, I'm not sure what is "la tee da". But, I think that the sub-headline for this column says it all "Don't bring food to a dinner party". It IS rude. But you didn't know that, and I'm sure that you are not a rude person. Like I said in my earlier post, people have brought food to my parties even after I particularly asked them not to. I'm annoyed for several reasons (see others' comments above) but that doesn't mean that they aren't my friends anymore. But, if you know something is rude, and you know that it annoys many people, why would you want to insist on doing it anyway? Of course, if the people who invited you seem like people with whom you would not be comfortable, the answer is not to go, rather than going and insisting on doing something annoying.-COLLAPSE
As a control freak who hosts a lot of dinners, it throws me off guard when someone shows up with something that clashes with what I've put together. An example of this is when I prepared a large italian meal of mixed olives / cheese platter, ceasar salad, spaghetti and meatballs, and a lemon granita for dessert. A guest arrived with a large bowl of cold asian noodle salad, totally unannounced....+READ
As a control freak who hosts a lot of dinners, it throws me off guard when someone shows up with something that clashes with what I've put together. An example of this is when I prepared a large italian meal of mixed olives / cheese platter, ceasar salad, spaghetti and meatballs, and a lemon granita for dessert. A guest arrived with a large bowl of cold asian noodle salad, totally unannounced. What am I supposed to do with this?!?!??!!
I politely said, "hey thanks" and put it in the fridge. There was no way I was serving that with the meal I spent the better part of the day preparing.
I am also of the mind that one should NEVER show up to a dinner party empty-handed, but don't bring food unless specifically instructed to do so. Just go with the wine / flowers / chocolate. You are a guest to eat dinner, not prepare it.-COLLAPSE
IF a person such as i am does not know the
rules of la tee da
why do some people say that i am rude that is not rudeness .
that just ignorance of these rules BUT not rude
on the other hand the next party you have
don't invite low class people like me-------
end of problem
This post reminds me of a recent post on The Jew & The Carrot blog, except in that case the question was flipped around:
"What do you do when the host of your dinner party serves food you don't like to eat?
In this case, I think it's entirely appropriate to bring gifts of food to help model to your food preferences to your hosts - though perhaps not foods meant to be consumed at the...+READ
This post reminds me of a recent post on The Jew & The Carrot blog, except in that case the question was flipped around:
"What do you do when the host of your dinner party serves food you don't like to eat?
In this case, I think it's entirely appropriate to bring gifts of food to help model to your food preferences to your hosts - though perhaps not foods meant to be consumed at the particular dinner.
Check it out at The Jew & The Carrot:
http://jcarrot.org/eating-in-other-peoples-homes/#more-1263-COLLAPSE
I find myself somewhere in the middle here - I like to host elaborate dinners, where I've planned every course from appetizer to dessert. But when a guest brings an unexpected dish (and I'm not talking about obvious "host" gifts like wine or chocolates), I'll graciously serve it alongside the rest of the meal and let anyone indulge who will. Plus, there can never be too many desserts on the...+READ
I find myself somewhere in the middle here - I like to host elaborate dinners, where I've planned every course from appetizer to dessert. But when a guest brings an unexpected dish (and I'm not talking about obvious "host" gifts like wine or chocolates), I'll graciously serve it alongside the rest of the meal and let anyone indulge who will. Plus, there can never be too many desserts on the table!-COLLAPSE
In the UK - if you are a wine drinker it is expected that you bring wine; otherwise flowers or chocolates - cheese or fruit at a push.
Turning up empty handed is a complete no-no. But to turn up with a cooked dish? - that is bizarre, unless previously agreed.
On the one hand, I think one should always be gracious when someone offers a gift of any kind. And I agree that anything that someone brings to a party (unless it's a potluck) is a hostess gift. So, I express my gratitude for the gift, and if applicable, my intention to enjoy it later.
On the other hand, sometimes people do bring food, even when expressly asked not to, and obviously expect to...+READ
On the one hand, I think one should always be gracious when someone offers a gift of any kind. And I agree that anything that someone brings to a party (unless it's a potluck) is a hostess gift. So, I express my gratitude for the gift, and if applicable, my intention to enjoy it later.
On the other hand, sometimes people do bring food, even when expressly asked not to, and obviously expect to eat it at the party. I, too, enjoy planning cohesive meals when I invite people, and I always have enough food. What to do? Be as gracious as possible (and, usually, come up with serving dishes and utensils!) and serve the dish as best I can. If I ever invite the person who brought the dish again, I will try to be more emphatic when asking him or her not to bring anything. And if he or she does it again, well, sometimes entertaining ones good friends can be challenging, and I choose to accept that challenges with the rewards.
But if I am going to someone else's home for a meal, I will bring flowers, already in water in a container that I do not want back.-COLLAPSE
Put out both the home made ice cream and the stupid cartonand say it's a "Sundae bar". Let everyone decide which they want.
Not only is it a sorta subtle way of making the rude twit understand that you were serious when you told her to bring nothing, it is a way for her husband to enjoy his carton dessert and get what he likes. I mean, who knows, maybe the lunk insisted she bring it because he...+READ
Put out both the home made ice cream and the stupid cartonand say it's a "Sundae bar". Let everyone decide which they want.
Not only is it a sorta subtle way of making the rude twit understand that you were serious when you told her to bring nothing, it is a way for her husband to enjoy his carton dessert and get what he likes. I mean, who knows, maybe the lunk insisted she bring it because he is finniky?
Then maybe next time, they'll be less rude.-COLLAPSE
As a guest, I always take something - but something like flowers or wine or chocolates so that they understood to be a gift for the host. As a hostess myself, I think I'd have served both the home-made ice cream and the store bought stuff; but I just can't imagine someone bringing their own food along ...
I think it depends so much on exactly what the gift of food is and how well you know your guests. I would have served both desserts just to keep peace and satisfy everyone. Unless I'm asked I never bring gifts of food. A bottle of wine for the cooler or even flowers for the hostess keep things somewhat simpler.
When I have dinner parties, I like to plan a cohesive menu. I like to put some thought into it. So, if someone shows up with a random item, it's both unnecessary and kind of annoying. It's like, Yes, I thought of dessert. You're here to be taken care of. By me.
OK, that's a little harsh, but why is it that some people are uncomfortable simply receiving? Invite me over for dinner later, if you...+READ
When I have dinner parties, I like to plan a cohesive menu. I like to put some thought into it. So, if someone shows up with a random item, it's both unnecessary and kind of annoying. It's like, Yes, I thought of dessert. You're here to be taken care of. By me.
OK, that's a little harsh, but why is it that some people are uncomfortable simply receiving? Invite me over for dinner later, if you need to reciprocate. Anyway, a clear request (i.e., sure, pick up a baguette) always works if you're a control freak like me.
The psycho-babble component to Helena's answers is tired. It always feels like a tack-on to give heft to the rest of the answer. Not necessary.-COLLAPSE
I used to work in a flower shop, so my go-to dinner party gift was a bunch of tulips. But you can never, ever go wrong with a bottle of wine, a box of nice chocolates, or fun, funny paper cocktail napkins.
Helena-
I agree with you; growing up in the south, I was taught that it is completely ill mannered not to bring some sort of gift when invited to dinner. It's got to be a regional thing, I suppose. I haven't lived down south in almost 20 years, but old habits die hard; I always bring something, be it a bottle of wine, box of fine chocolates or the like. The caveat is that I always emphasize to...+READ
Helena-
I agree with you; growing up in the south, I was taught that it is completely ill mannered not to bring some sort of gift when invited to dinner. It's got to be a regional thing, I suppose. I haven't lived down south in almost 20 years, but old habits die hard; I always bring something, be it a bottle of wine, box of fine chocolates or the like. The caveat is that I always emphasize to the host that my gift is for them to enjoy privately at a later time.
I don't think that I would have felt obligated to serve the frozen store bought ice cream, though if the item had been homemade, or a hot item, I certainly would have smiled through gritted teeth and served, keeping in the mind that the guest likely meant no malice in bringing their item and ruining my plans.
Hopefully "Homade is best" will learn next time. There is always going to be someone who wants to bring a soggy greenbean casserole with those dreadful dried fried crinkly canned onion things on top. If you have a guest that you know is going to insist on bringing something, come up with something specific, (like in this case, you could have requested toppings for your homemade icecream), so that you have control over the meal that is being served.-COLLAPSE
I read the study that Helena is talking about. It came out during the holiday season (of course) and I let all my friends know that if it made them better to give me gifts, then by all means, give away! Be it for me to be a killjoy.
I disagree that guests should bring something. Growing up in a Chinese family where my parents frequently entertained and a typical meal consisted about 10...+READ
I read the study that Helena is talking about. It came out during the holiday season (of course) and I let all my friends know that if it made them better to give me gifts, then by all means, give away! Be it for me to be a killjoy.
I disagree that guests should bring something. Growing up in a Chinese family where my parents frequently entertained and a typical meal consisted about 10 courses, I don't recall any of my parents' friends bringing gifts. It was just not expected. Occasionally, a male might bring a bottle of Whiskey or something, but no offense was taken if it wasn't served during dinner (which it often wasn't). These people were not ungrateful louts with no manner; it's a cultural thing. They would reciprocate by inviting us over for dinner at their house at a later date.
I'll tell you, I'd take the food that was coming out of those kitchens any day over flowers, chocolate, or booze (yes, I know times are different now and not everyone can do this, and it is considerate of guests to bring gifts as long as they don't expect me to serve whatever they bring).-COLLAPSE
i was brought up that friends/family brought things. that type of thing really makes me feel warm and comfortable
i don't think i would assoc with the la tee da types like in the above story i don't fit in
i like the less PC crowd better
I think the obvious answer is to serve the homemade ice cream and just tell your guests it's the ice cream that they brought.
I like the clarity of those who are arguing that anything brought to a dinner party should be treated as a host gift - to be served at their discretion. However, I think reality is a bit more complicated. A bottle of wine won't go bad, and the guests won't miss it if they're served other wine. But if someone worked to prepare a casserole or other perishable dish, they are probably looking forward...+READ
I like the clarity of those who are arguing that anything brought to a dinner party should be treated as a host gift - to be served at their discretion. However, I think reality is a bit more complicated. A bottle of wine won't go bad, and the guests won't miss it if they're served other wine. But if someone worked to prepare a casserole or other perishable dish, they are probably looking forward to tasting it. Ice cream seems somewhere in the middle...plus the guests did say it was their 'favorite' which does indicate they wanted to eat it that night.
On the flip side, there are definitely some dinner parties to which I would bring wine I myself plan on drinking. These tend to be with people who don't care about wine and aren't so sensitive about etiquette so as to be offended if I do bring my own (to share, of course).-COLLAPSE
Helena once again makes the easy very difficult with bad advice.
First, a host is not obligated to serve the guests' food. What if 10 people brought a combo of 3 apps, 3 salads, 3 desserts and 1 side dish?
In the above case the host could serve store-bought AND homemade ice cream or, as pickawicca said, thank the guests and save the store-bought for another time. A simple "We've already...+READ
Helena once again makes the easy very difficult with bad advice.
First, a host is not obligated to serve the guests' food. What if 10 people brought a combo of 3 apps, 3 salads, 3 desserts and 1 side dish?
In the above case the host could serve store-bought AND homemade ice cream or, as pickawicca said, thank the guests and save the store-bought for another time. A simple "We've already planned on ice cream, but thanks very much," should do.
Second, dinner guests do not have to bring a gift of any kind. It's nice if they do, but I never would expect a guest to do that.
And third - a MRI scan? Wow, Helena, your reaching now.-COLLAPSE
I'm with Helena on this one. It would be hard not to serve food that someone has brought, especially if it's prepared. I'd try to serve it side-by-side. Sure, I have a right to say no, but I just can't see myself doing so. For meals where one is feeling very particular, I think andytee offers some good suggestions.
If guests bring food, you are most certainly NOT obliged to serve it! Thank them, tell them you'll enjoy it in the coming days, then put it in the fridge. Helena, where on earth do you get your totally wrong ideas?
Etiquette is funny - when guests bring wine it can be "for your cellar", i.e. received as a host gift, but when they bring Ben and Jerry's it need to be served?
Anyhow, I understand people's desire to bring something, it is a way of saying "I would like to help out or pitch in, and not be an undue burden." Sometimes it is good to give them something simple to do, with specific directions, like...+READ
Etiquette is funny - when guests bring wine it can be "for your cellar", i.e. received as a host gift, but when they bring Ben and Jerry's it need to be served?
Anyhow, I understand people's desire to bring something, it is a way of saying "I would like to help out or pitch in, and not be an undue burden." Sometimes it is good to give them something simple to do, with specific directions, like "Bring a loaf of crusty bread to go with the lentil soup I am making", or "Bring a bottle of red wine to go with the lamb - maybe a syrah.", or "Some vanilla ice cream to go with the cobbler I am making". It's also fine to say you don't need anything, but it is good to be clear if the truth is that you don't WANT anything. Sometimes I will say something like, "No, I really like to plan everything out. I'll have wine, food, veggies, dessert, etc., so we really don't need anything else at all." Usually this works fine.
And if people are your friends, I don't see any reason not to tell them you are already making home-made ice cream, but you will put what they brought into the freezer. At dessert time, you can offer to serve both and see what people choose.-COLLAPSE