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Mark Bitterman on Chocolate
How to Talk to Boring Relatives at Dinner
The experts of quality chat weigh in
She says: “Oh my, aren’t Suzy’s boys getting big?” You say: nothing, as you are consumed by crushing existential malaise. For many people, dinner with the extended family can be one of the most difficult parts of the holidays. After all, if you’re throwing a party any other time of year, you can choose your guests based on how fun they are to talk to. But you can’t choose your family members.
There are ways, however, of turning the most inane comments (“My trainer had me do 10 reps of lunges today at the gym!”), vague stories (“I went to Madrid, and it was great!”), or tedious topics (“You’ll never believe what I’m going through with my remodel!”) into electrifying repartee. To find out how, CHOW talked to three experts in extemporaneous dialogue: journalist Deborah Solomon, whose scintillating Q&As appear in each Sunday’s New York Times Magazine; Gayl Murphy, a Hollywood media trainer and author of Interview Tactics: How to Survive the Media Without Getting Clobbered!; and Julie Brister, an LA-based actress who’s taught improvisational comedy classes for 10 years. Here are some of their secrets.
One of our greatest Christmas dinner memories is loading our mouths with grapes and shooting them, yes, across the room, one at a time. Evenutally, the hostee joined in and a wonderful time was had by all.
You are so right, ProChef360. I am quite sure I will be one of those boring relatives one day! How's that for karma? haha
Great post! I remain, just welcome your boring relatives and entertain them as much as you can. Just the way it is, your efforts will pay in the future when you yourself becomes a boring relative :) LOL
Hey OKAY -
You are snotty. Stay home. I'm not deep enough, but you don't trust me anyway? Go back to therapy. You are not finished. You will definitely be uninvited if you are so antisocial. Thanks for spreading your sunshine - you are such a joy to be around.
look i don't want to talk to you either, you're too self-involved and truthfully i don't need you to judge me or my life. That's why i'm vauge or talk in generalities in the first place. I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET CLOSE TO YOU 'CAUSE I DON'T TRUST YOU. you're just not deep enough.
Are stay-at-home moms really all that hard to talk to? Many are actively involved in their kids' schools, pet projects, volunteer work, or have part-time jobs. We're really not sitting at home watching soap operas and eating bon bons. A lot of us choose activities that we love and can speak passionately about. And there is always the fall back of asking about the kids, parenting topics like the...+READ
Are stay-at-home moms really all that hard to talk to? Many are actively involved in their kids' schools, pet projects, volunteer work, or have part-time jobs. We're really not sitting at home watching soap operas and eating bon bons. A lot of us choose activities that we love and can speak passionately about. And there is always the fall back of asking about the kids, parenting topics like the pros/cons of different education styles, school funding, how the learning process varies among individuals, changing school lunch programs and growing awareness about nutrition. Ask a mom about the slow food movement, whether she's concerned about GMOs in her kids' food, whether we can afford organic food in this economy or if we can't afford not to give organics to our kids.
And as a mom, I really don't want to talk about Shrek. I do have Netflix and even get out to the theater occasionally. Please, talk to me about adult topics!-COLLAPSE
Yeah, I have to say I'd spend most of my time avoiding that annoying little man and if he finally managed to corner me, I'd raise my eyebrow and ask him - after he's made the rounds - what he was to say about his question. LOL Is he a guest or an itinerant psychoanalyst?
Mrs_S, in that situation, I would be polite, but I don't want to be put on the spot like that. It reminds me of sitting at the communal table at a fancy restaurant one time--a woman was asking everyone at the table a similar question, and it was just very goofy and uncomfortable. I'm willing to work up to those questions and answers through conversation, but asking people you don't know such a...+READ
Mrs_S, in that situation, I would be polite, but I don't want to be put on the spot like that. It reminds me of sitting at the communal table at a fancy restaurant one time--a woman was asking everyone at the table a similar question, and it was just very goofy and uncomfortable. I'm willing to work up to those questions and answers through conversation, but asking people you don't know such a personal question seem very forced to me.-COLLAPSE
One of the greatest icebreakers I've ever experienced was at a friend's annual Christmas gathering, which included lots of work colleagues and my friend's family members. Her 70-something dad mingled with guests, and was asking each person he chatted with, "What was the thing that gave you the most satisfaction this year?" Then he listened; and made observations. It got conversations going...+READ
One of the greatest icebreakers I've ever experienced was at a friend's annual Christmas gathering, which included lots of work colleagues and my friend's family members. Her 70-something dad mingled with guests, and was asking each person he chatted with, "What was the thing that gave you the most satisfaction this year?" Then he listened; and made observations. It got conversations going because those being asked looked for more definition of what he was asking; and people had such a wide range of responses. It was a neat way of drawing people in and sparking other conversations.-COLLAPSE
I just wanted to let you know that we linked to this from our page over here:
http://www.mahalo.com/How_to_Survive_Thanksgiving_Dinner_with_Your_Family
Thanks! This is a great article!
What's true of school for kids is true of work for adults. I'm pretty sure no adult wants to be asked a lot of details about her job unless she's already volunteered something.
I like to ask people about a topic that's comfortable to them and that I know I can speak intelligently about... for me, mainly entertainment (also food). If they get to talking about their favorite movies or shows, I...+READ
What's true of school for kids is true of work for adults. I'm pretty sure no adult wants to be asked a lot of details about her job unless she's already volunteered something.
I like to ask people about a topic that's comfortable to them and that I know I can speak intelligently about... for me, mainly entertainment (also food). If they get to talking about their favorite movies or shows, I can throw in interesting tidbits from my own pool of knowledge that can help steer the conversation in new directions.-COLLAPSE
i totally agree that kids hate talking about school - i find if anyone had asked me about school, my answers were completely scripted, and i would rather have been invisable than talk about school..... try doing an activity with them instead of trying to talk about something they probably dont want to talk about....
if people know how to talk, they know how to talk... this doesnt matter if they are relatives are not.
that said, at family gatherings, ive found that the quietest people often have the most to say. whether its about what aunt sarah is wearing, or how jessica's recipe for corn pudding turned out... often the opinions lie in the quiet ones. ask them.
In addition to this great advice, I'd add: know your limits. I can listen to people wax on about doing lunges, respond cheerfully to comments about the weather, talk about the Little Mermaid, and then fortify my nerves by escaping to the bathroom with my drink for a few minutes. But, after three hours of this, I'm done. Don't stay too long if you have to develop this much of a game plan! Better...+READ
In addition to this great advice, I'd add: know your limits. I can listen to people wax on about doing lunges, respond cheerfully to comments about the weather, talk about the Little Mermaid, and then fortify my nerves by escaping to the bathroom with my drink for a few minutes. But, after three hours of this, I'm done. Don't stay too long if you have to develop this much of a game plan! Better to leave when you're still in okay shape than wait till you're clawing at yourself or bringing up politics to make things more interesting (which I've been guilty of, for sure). Or if you're staying with people overnight, plan an escape of ice skating, actually going to a movie (a favorite Christmas Day activity), or doing outdoor stuff.-COLLAPSE
I agree completely that children tend to hate being asked about school. I'd extend that though, and say adults hate being asked about school also. This seems to be due to the nature of the questions people ask about school, however. People ask children, "How is school going?" rather than something like, "do you like any of your classes." People ask me, "How is your thesis going?" but they never...+READ
I agree completely that children tend to hate being asked about school. I'd extend that though, and say adults hate being asked about school also. This seems to be due to the nature of the questions people ask about school, however. People ask children, "How is school going?" rather than something like, "do you like any of your classes." People ask me, "How is your thesis going?" but they never seem to ask, "What is your thesis about?" or, "What interesting literature have you been reading lately?" Not that I blame them; chances are they'd be bored to tears with what I would excitedly talk about. Questions about school just always seem to be looking for an answer that quantifies success, sort of like asking, "Have you gotten a promotion at work yet?" Even if a particular questioner doesn't really mean, "Are you getting good grades?" that's how a kid is generally going to take the question, "How is school going?"-COLLAPSE
I love this story. I do take issue with one detail, however. I think kids HATE being asked about school. I'm not alone. The radio show This American Life did an episode about adults talking to kids (called, cleverly enough, How to Talk to Kids: http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=341) and in it they say that the main mistake adults make is to ask kids about school. "I don't know...+READ
I love this story. I do take issue with one detail, however. I think kids HATE being asked about school. I'm not alone. The radio show This American Life did an episode about adults talking to kids (called, cleverly enough, How to Talk to Kids: http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=341) and in it they say that the main mistake adults make is to ask kids about school. "I don't know how to answer that question," says the kid. Next time, ask your niece or nephew about a movie they liked or an experience they had, the show suggests. I think it's a good thing to keep in mind over the holidays.
Meredith of CHOW-COLLAPSE