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I‘ve written recently about my experience bartending at a San Francisco bar. There are specific guidelines to follow, like the golden mean of cocktails, which is what I think about when I develop a drink (try the Carmen Amaya). But it’s not all about making drinks. So—as a writer moonlighting as a bartender—here’s what I’ve learned behind the bar.
1. On Fridays, partyers will demand Red Bull, which we don’t sell, but they want it so much that they will buy it elsewhere and bring it in. Then they will hide the evidence by crumpling the Red Bull cans and sticking them between seat cushions.
2. On weekends, there will be a girl crying, and a guy trying to calm her down while ordering another round. She is probably crying about something he said.
3. Bartending is physical labor. My feet hurt.
4. A good bar is an empty bar. (Unless you’re a bar owner.) It’s a fine night when there’s time to discuss the differences between bourbon and rye, the advantages of a cherry garnish or an orange garnish, or the reasons someone should try a Sazerac.
5. A bartender can name a drink after a regular customer, but if the customer tires of that drink, it’s OK for him to move on to another cocktail.
6. The bartender may be the only sober person in the bar. Do not moralize.
7. The drunk regulars will need to be kicked out at closing time. If you are that regular, please do not try to hug the bartender.
8. Unsavory things happen in the bathroom. There will be vomit in one of the bathrooms at the end of a Friday night.
9. Restaurant industry people are the best tippers and the best behaved. On busy nights, when they’re having a drink after their shift, they will bus glasses.
10. The bartender will get sucked into an ugly situation. Like when the stout, curly-haired blonde walked up to the bar and said, “Make me a martini. I’m about to meet with my ex, and I wanted to get here first so I could get something in me before he arrives.” When he showed up—slightly nerdy, wearing glasses and a plaid shirt tucked into khaki slacks—she proceeded to make him match her drink for drink until they each had seven on their tab. Every time I came close, she would say to me (in front of him), “Can’t you tell he’s an asshole? Doesn’t he just look like someone who would jerk me around?” Then she started to declare this to other people at the bar. Her ex seemed to shrink as the night wore on. Finally they left, and she made the poor guy pick up the $140 tab.
nsolis,
In my response to your last post, I addressed you as "Insolis."
After donning my specs I perceived your logo as a guitar player, rather than an "I."
My apologies.
Keon
Insolis,
Well, actually, I believe Allen said, "Eighty percent of success is showing up.", but I acknowledge your point. What I found to be more important, though, than being the last man standing, so to speak (in addition to the factors I originally enumerated), was that women felt safer and more open with me because they had had the opportunity to talk with and observe me interacting with other...+READ
Insolis,
Well, actually, I believe Allen said, "Eighty percent of success is showing up.", but I acknowledge your point. What I found to be more important, though, than being the last man standing, so to speak (in addition to the factors I originally enumerated), was that women felt safer and more open with me because they had had the opportunity to talk with and observe me interacting with other people and knew where I worked. I was a much safer bet than some stranger they'd just met there in the bar. Moreover, most of the dates and hook-ups I had were almost always arranged way before closing time.
Cheers,
Keon-COLLAPSE
Keon, in terms of bartenders being babe magnets, you forgot to mention that, at the end of the night, the bartender's still there. Didn't Woody Allen say that 90% of success is just showing up? Maybe the other 10% is just sticking around when 90% of the bar has cleared out.
As someone who worked his way through undergrad and grad school by tending bar at gourmet restaurants, working-class taverns, and everything in between, I'll add a couple of notes that Jordan didn't address in his essay.
One, I found that having even one drink while on duty slowed my reflexes noticeably, which definitely affected my performance as a bartender, particularly on a busy night. I...+READ
As someone who worked his way through undergrad and grad school by tending bar at gourmet restaurants, working-class taverns, and everything in between, I'll add a couple of notes that Jordan didn't address in his essay.
One, I found that having even one drink while on duty slowed my reflexes noticeably, which definitely affected my performance as a bartender, particularly on a busy night. I also found that three drinks affected not only my physical speed, but also my judgment when it came to relating with problematic customers.
Two, being around people who are drinking tends to increase your own desire to drink, both at work and afterwards. It's really true that, as Blake wrote, "We become what we behold."
And three, I found that being a bartender made me a chick magnet. After giving this some thought, I concluded that so many women were attracted to me physically due not only to my boyish charm and good looks :^), but because as the bartender I was an authority figure of sorts who had the power to dispense or withhold those magic concoctions that let them go on. (In case you didn't know this, women greatly appreciate personal authority in men___wimps and ditherers need not apply). Of course, there's also the fact that ladies who have relieved their tensions with 4-5 martinis or Long Island Iced Teas tend to be a little less discriminating when it comes to potential love objects than when they've been eating bonbons or drinking oolong tea. As another poet put it most truly, "Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker." :^)
At any rate, be courteous to your bartender and he's much more likely to assist in your enjoying a pleasant interlude, rather than ignoring you, cutting you off, calling over the bouncer, or making a call to the local constables.
But there's never any need to feel sorry for him, 'cause he's probably getting more than he can handle. :^)
I don't really know what it's like sociologically for women who've tended bar, but I'm interested to find out.
Ladies who have toiled behind the bar?
Keon-COLLAPSE
Is it true that as Larry Cordell says, "Jesus and Bartenders Hear it All' ??
OnDaGo-In Michigan it is illegal for a bartender to drink while working, as he/she is in charge of not serving severely intoxicated customers.
Brilliant. And speaking from the view from the driver's seat: so, so very true.
I would say this guy is not a good bartender:
1) "A good bar is an empty bar" - Guess the guy is independently wealthy because tips are the reason to bartend empty bar = empty tip jar = Unhappy staff
2) "The bartender may be the only sober person in the bar" - Not likely I never trust a bartender who is not drinking!
They let you serve obvious drunks in SanFran? Here in the Barbarian South the ABC looks disapprovingly on that, to the extent of suspending your license.
No Red Bull or Jagermeister? If they're smuggling it in anyhow you might as well be the ones making money on the deal, not the corner liquor store.