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Dear Helena,
What is with people not bothering to RSVP to party invitations? I mailed a couple of dozen pool party invites, and have had only three responses. I asked a couple of people in person if they are coming, and they said (1) “Probably not,” and told me about other things they were thinking of doing the day of my party, and (2) “Oh, didn’t my wife get back to you yet [to decline]?” My party is in one week, and I have no idea how many people to plan for, or even if I will have a party. Now I’m thinking of canceling, because it’s not the party I hoped for if only six people show up! It seems to be good etiquette that if you receive a written invitation—that includes a request for RSVP with phone and email—that people respond! Either I am extremely unpopular or people don’t have manners. What do you think? —Pool Party Postponed
Dear Party Postponed,
The last invitation I ignored was a gathering for drinks at a bar sent via the online party-planning site Evite. Since about 15 others were invited and I didn’t know the host well, I felt he wouldn’t care much if I were there or not. (And he was just inviting me to a bar, so it wasn’t like he had to know how much beer to get.) A few months passed, and I emailed him to ask if he could spare a few minutes for an interview. I wanted to ask him how he felt about my failure to RSVP. He shot back a terse email: He couldn’t do it. The lesson learned: If you don’t respond to an invitation, know that the host will notice and remember.
Now that we send most of our invitations via email, it’s all too easy to let an invite sink to the bottom of an overcrowded in-box. And when the host uses Evite or a similar service, guests can be particularly apathetic about responding. Some put off answering because they know they’ll get a reminder, at which point they can decide if they really want to come or not. Heather Allen, a graduate student at the University of Chicago, suggests another reason for delay. “Unless I know the hosts well, I don’t like to be the first person to respond. You don’t want to seem overly anxious or like you have nothing else to do.”
Even when an invitation is sent via old-fashioned snail mail, guests can be lax about replying. Getting a stamp and going to the postbox can seem an inconvenience. Etiquette-wise, it’s OK to respond to a mailed invite via email. But as a paper invite has no Reply button, it’s sometimes easy to forget to do so.
But here’s the thing: Hosts need to know who is coming so they can plan the food and drink, invite replacements if necessary, or even reschedule the event. Each time you don’t RSVP, you fall further in the host’s estimation. Eventually, if not immediately, you fall off people’s guest lists.
So you should answer an invitation as soon as you know if you’ll be able to make it, whether it’s a hand-painted card or a mass email. What if you’re unsure if you’ll have a business trip or an out-of-town guest? Marilyn Paul, author of It’s Hard to Make a Difference When You Can’t Find Your Keys: The Seven-Step Path to Becoming Truly Organized, advises: “Decide when you will know and mark that date on your calendar with a reminder to RSVP.” Then tell the host: “I’m delighted to receive your invitation. Given my other obligations, I’m unable to commit right now. May I let you know by such-and-such a date?” The host knows you got the invite, and why you haven’t replied yet. That way, he or she won’t worry that the reason you don’t want to commit is that you’re waiting for something better to come along.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
How about this, I am the only female out of my dad's side of the family that has a job, everyone else is a stay at home mom. With this in mind, I cannot make all the parties they throw with my busy schedule. HOWEVER, I ALWAYS respond with a no if I can't make it and STILL send a gift. They stopped inviting me to all their parties. When I confronted one of my closest cousins she said, well you...+READ
How about this, I am the only female out of my dad's side of the family that has a job, everyone else is a stay at home mom. With this in mind, I cannot make all the parties they throw with my busy schedule. HOWEVER, I ALWAYS respond with a no if I can't make it and STILL send a gift. They stopped inviting me to all their parties. When I confronted one of my closest cousins she said, well you don't come so it gives us the impression you don't want to be here, so they stopped inviting you. I was so hurt by this and to this day I still don't get any invites nor invite them to my parties. I only missed about 2 of their hundreds of parties. I don't understand people, even my own family. Also, I used evite recently for sending out invitations and the majority of the "nice" people responded with yes or no. Some people verbally responded with a yes but have a huge family so getting a number down on evite would have helped. But yes I can see my sister in laws and friends that didn't respond and how often they check back into evite to do what? Be nosy and not respond? The rudeness and ignorance drives me nuts! ARGGGGGGGG.-COLLAPSE
I'm hosting a huge Halloween party this Saturday for all my neighbors friends and family. It's an open house AND a party - sort of a 2 parter. We invited some very close friends of ours over a month ago. Now they say that they may come but without their kids (tweens) who might have better party offers!! I'm very frustrated with them because I've really gone to great lengths to make this party...+READ
I'm hosting a huge Halloween party this Saturday for all my neighbors friends and family. It's an open house AND a party - sort of a 2 parter. We invited some very close friends of ours over a month ago. Now they say that they may come but without their kids (tweens) who might have better party offers!! I'm very frustrated with them because I've really gone to great lengths to make this party special for the kids. I even bought really adorable gifts for the older kids for their Halloween GOODIE BAGS!! I need to know if they are coming or not so I know if I have enough of these expensive goodie bags!!! Alas, the "dad" won't commit FOR them and it's 3 days away. It's frustrating as HECK! Seems like the closer the friend is - the more they take advantage. I mean, tell yer freakin' kid they're going to the party whether they like it or not! SHEESH!-COLLAPSE
Ahhh...I am planning a Graduation party.. You'd think that I would get some responses either way, since I left my phone number AND my email address to respond it..So far, I've only had a handful of responses...(like 4)...How do people think I can plan for 120 people if I don't know who is coming?? I'm sure about my immediate family and some cousins, but other than that, I'm left wondering! The...+READ
Ahhh...I am planning a Graduation party.. You'd think that I would get some responses either way, since I left my phone number AND my email address to respond it..So far, I've only had a handful of responses...(like 4)...How do people think I can plan for 120 people if I don't know who is coming?? I'm sure about my immediate family and some cousins, but other than that, I'm left wondering! The party is in two weeks. Should I have to follow up with a phone call? Some people figure if they don't call I should know they aren't coming, and some figure I should know they are if they don't respond! What do you think?-COLLAPSE
Wow, I just found this thread. Too bad I'm so late. This is my PET PEEVE, it always has been and forever will be. I no longer invite ANYONE who hasn't been reliable in the past. I allowed my (29 year-old) daughter to invite some of her friends for our Thanksgiving dinner last year, as they had no family here. Most of them work with her, and all are 'professionals', e.g. engineers, software...+READ
Wow, I just found this thread. Too bad I'm so late. This is my PET PEEVE, it always has been and forever will be. I no longer invite ANYONE who hasn't been reliable in the past. I allowed my (29 year-old) daughter to invite some of her friends for our Thanksgiving dinner last year, as they had no family here. Most of them work with her, and all are 'professionals', e.g. engineers, software designers, graphics designers, etc. 5 (FIVE) of them never showed up after telling my daughter how thrilled they were to have a real Thanksgiving, and of the ones who DID show up, not even one brought as much as a bottle of wine. My daughter knows that I will NOT be inviting her friends again. She was VERY embarrassed, as she has always brought a hostess gift when being entertained at their houses. It's obviously not only the younger generation doing these things, however. I imagine I have eliminated at least 20 of my own friends (or ex-friends) from my guest list over the years. I will NOT tolerate rudeness, and will pay it back in kind. If someone showed up at one of my affairs after NOT RSVPing, I simply told them I had no room for them, or no food, or whatever was applicable. It was the truth, for the most part. Yes, and now I am DREADING my daughter's wedding. I have told her that, without exception, she must uninvite anyone who hasn't RSVP'd within 2 weeks of the wedding. This goes for our family members as well, and I have told her mother-in-law to be how I feel about it. Happily, she feels the same way, so that won't be a problem. Oh, I could go on forever, but this thread is so old that it will probably not be read anyway. It still felt good to vent.-COLLAPSE
I happily agree with DrBehavior on this topic. This is not rocket science, and RSVP is very simple. It requires a yes or no answer. And it has a deadline. If you don't know if you can make it, the answer is 'no'. Try planning a party sometime for an important event. There is a lot to do without worrying about numbers. How many people show up at the White House with no RSVP? It's no different for...+READ
I happily agree with DrBehavior on this topic. This is not rocket science, and RSVP is very simple. It requires a yes or no answer. And it has a deadline. If you don't know if you can make it, the answer is 'no'. Try planning a party sometime for an important event. There is a lot to do without worrying about numbers. How many people show up at the White House with no RSVP? It's no different for anyone else. Show respect for others and it will reflect well on you. I have black listed a number of people who don't show this common courtesy.-COLLAPSE
The worst experience I ever had with RSVPs was some years ago, when I planned a surprise birthday dinner at a restaurant for my partner. I called or emailed his friends, made sure they knew it was a surprise and to be on time. Once all the numbers were in, I called the restaurant to make a reservation.
The night of the event, we went into the restaurant for what he thought would be a casual...+READ
The worst experience I ever had with RSVPs was some years ago, when I planned a surprise birthday dinner at a restaurant for my partner. I called or emailed his friends, made sure they knew it was a surprise and to be on time. Once all the numbers were in, I called the restaurant to make a reservation.
The night of the event, we went into the restaurant for what he thought would be a casual dinner for two, and I led him around the corner with a big smile to find... an empty table. The ONE guest that was on time was at the bar having a cigarette. One other guy showed up 15 minutes late.
As you can imagine, I was furious and hurt at this rudeness- they knew it was his birthday, said they'd be there, and blew it off without so much as a call or an email! If he was as upset as I was, he hid it well... but come to think of it, we never bothered inviting any of those people to any other events.
Since then, we've fallen in with a crowd with better manners.-COLLAPSE
It's not always a matter of too many or too few portions of food...where i come from, we all have a tendancy to cook enough food to sink a ship, no matter what the occasion, so i've never had the "not enough" experience (my co-workers are often happy recipients of many such leftover dishes and desserts), however sitting around with two guests and a mountain of food because people didn't show up...+READ
It's not always a matter of too many or too few portions of food...where i come from, we all have a tendancy to cook enough food to sink a ship, no matter what the occasion, so i've never had the "not enough" experience (my co-workers are often happy recipients of many such leftover dishes and desserts), however sitting around with two guests and a mountain of food because people didn't show up is no fun either. People who know me, know i don't rip open a bag of chips and lay out dip for parties or dinners alike, and i don't rip open frozen appetizers in a box either....I tend to cook a good portion of the day, and on some occasions the day before, and spend $$. That's a lot of work ! I don't mind leftovers, but i hate no-shows and lame excuses, as well as blow off's for better offers (like those friends that might walk over their dead grandmother to get to a last minute date )that have come from supposedly close friends and family alike.
And unfortunatly some people are reliable only in their unreliability. Everyone has come to the point of accepting somewhat, that even if they say yes, we all know damn well they're not showing. I know of a couple of people who almost laughably, seem to come down with mysterious illnesses for a large # of planned events ( i will probably come down with the plague for commenting on that one, haha).
I too once had the " i was too hungover " excuse from a friend once for a dinner for parents visiting only that short time from out of town It was a small party of five for people who had been very good to her, and she couldn't haul her a** out of (as i later found out, her boyfriend's) bed for an hour to spend time with these people, and evidently her level of said h/o rendered her incapable of both using or answering her phone. I was none too impressed. This same friend used the "i thought it was tomorrow" excuse a few times too. She's no longer a friend (not for those reasons)
I'm not a big fan of the e-mailed invite. In some cases i don't mind it, but e-mailed or evite invites are not private enough in some cases. I recently recieved an e-mailed invite from a common friend of an ex-friend (same as above) to attend an event for this person. I don't go around blabbing what the falling out was all about, but i'm not going to this thing not even maybe, kind of not even sure why i was invited, but we all work in a large organization that for some reason, feels the need to invite every woman to every baby and wedding shower, no matter if you're friends or not (I hate this, I don't like everyone i work with). The host was somewhat oblivious methinks. However the guest list was there for all to see, and instead of quietly and discreetly being able to have the opportunity to decline, i'll feel like i'll be tagged with the big "B" should i fail to attend.
For the most part, i don't need to know the guest list unless it includes horrible ex-boyfriends or their like.
I think "maybe" responses are ok in cases such as if you're from out of town and might not be in the area, or sometimes "if we can get a sitter" (however at least try....and at least let the host know before hand)-COLLAPSE
I can relate to almost all of these stories and, I'm sorry to say, the lack of RSVPs I get (and the usual surpluce of uninvited guests I do) has demotivated me from throwing parties altogether.
Last year I hosted a party where the actual subject line of the email was "Please, for the love of God, RSVP" and still only about half of the people did so.
I've taken a new approach, which is not...+READ
I can relate to almost all of these stories and, I'm sorry to say, the lack of RSVPs I get (and the usual surpluce of uninvited guests I do) has demotivated me from throwing parties altogether.
Last year I hosted a party where the actual subject line of the email was "Please, for the love of God, RSVP" and still only about half of the people did so.
I've taken a new approach, which is not inviting the non-RSVPers. I mean, come on, I'm putting a helluva lot more into these parties than my guests. The least they could do is hit reply.-COLLAPSE
I had some positive RSVPS to my wedding who then didn't show, but I still had to pay for their seat and meal at the wedding.
They didn't even have the courtesy to tell me they weren't coming.
It looked bad to have a bunch of empty seats...since most of the empty seats came from 2 tables. It also killed conversation for people at those tables since I didn't have time to rearrange...I only found...+READ
I had some positive RSVPS to my wedding who then didn't show, but I still had to pay for their seat and meal at the wedding.
They didn't even have the courtesy to tell me they weren't coming.
It looked bad to have a bunch of empty seats...since most of the empty seats came from 2 tables. It also killed conversation for people at those tables since I didn't have time to rearrange...I only found out at the reception!
Worse, some people who couldn't make it to the wedding goaded me into throwing an "Afterwedding party" so that they could come to that instead. After my extra planning, only one one of them bothered to show up. Personally I found that rude and pretty evil and I've since distanced myself from those people. It's like, by getting me to do extra work for a later party they could use it as an excuse not to go to my wedding, and then they didn't bother even going to that!-COLLAPSE
Hey, jonnorthwood ~ Don't sweat it, and DON'T feel guilty! You are in great company. There is an old story where a wealthy father called all of his best friends and family to the wedding of his most precious child, his only daughter. No one showed up. He sent his most trusted butler to go find everybody and they all had lame excuses so... when the father learned this, he invited GRATEFUL people...+READ
Hey, jonnorthwood ~ Don't sweat it, and DON'T feel guilty! You are in great company. There is an old story where a wealthy father called all of his best friends and family to the wedding of his most precious child, his only daughter. No one showed up. He sent his most trusted butler to go find everybody and they all had lame excuses so... when the father learned this, he invited GRATEFUL people off the street and in the hotels to come to his daughter's wedding feast!
Guess what? There are interesting, fun and faithful friends right around you waiting to be discovered!!!!! Some are those you LEAST expect! : D
Blessings and Peace-COLLAPSE
I always RSVP: it's only polite. My pet peeve, though, is when someone responds that they will be at your home/party, and then never shows.
Last Thanksgiving we were going to have fourteen people over, and I spent all day cooking. Everyone had affirmed that they would arrive, and only one showed. According to some of them, once I'd tracked them down the next day, a few had decided that they...+READ
I always RSVP: it's only polite. My pet peeve, though, is when someone responds that they will be at your home/party, and then never shows.
Last Thanksgiving we were going to have fourteen people over, and I spent all day cooking. Everyone had affirmed that they would arrive, and only one showed. According to some of them, once I'd tracked them down the next day, a few had decided that they didn't like the menu that had been sent out with the invitations two weeks earlier, and the rest had decided that they'd have more fun getting drunk at a bar than they would have "sitting around and eating a bunch of stuff."-COLLAPSE
I may be a Johnny-come-lately (no pun intended) but in this world of very busy schedules how can an invitee NOT RSVP?!?!?!?!?
As a hostess, I am too busy to chase those with "something better to do" and as an invitee, I am too busy to worry whether or not I can "fit in" an invitation. Almost all of us own a paper calendar, have a computer calendar or cell phone date book. Use it! (I know I am...+READ
I may be a Johnny-come-lately (no pun intended) but in this world of very busy schedules how can an invitee NOT RSVP?!?!?!?!?
As a hostess, I am too busy to chase those with "something better to do" and as an invitee, I am too busy to worry whether or not I can "fit in" an invitation. Almost all of us own a paper calendar, have a computer calendar or cell phone date book. Use it! (I know I am preaching to the choir, here.) If you don't respond, you have just said "no". If you do say "no" then don't show up. If you say "yes" then call if you cannot come (even if the reason is that you and SO just had a knock-down-drag-out).
I had the same experience with my daughters wedding that a couple of others have mentioned; and these were FAMILY MEMBERS!!!!
To anyone out there in doubt... respond to invitations, it won't cost you a thing. Not doing so just may cost you a friendship!-COLLAPSE
Has anyone sent this link to e-vite? How better to improve their service than to show them the level of discontent. It would be nice if you could modify the service disallow maybes or create a deadline for RSVPs where if people log in after the date that they are informed that they are SOL and need to call the host directly if they want to attend. How about a tracker where the host can track the...+READ
Has anyone sent this link to e-vite? How better to improve their service than to show them the level of discontent. It would be nice if you could modify the service disallow maybes or create a deadline for RSVPs where if people log in after the date that they are informed that they are SOL and need to call the host directly if they want to attend. How about a tracker where the host can track the responses of your list on file. After the party you can go back through and mark off your no shows for confirms and maybes and those that viewed but never responded. Maybe even include a follow up for those no shows to the effect "We hope everything is OK.We missed you." To remind them that they are rude.
Personally, I have a much harsher attitude towards this than when I was younger. I spend half my time chasing down clients at work. The last thing I want to do in my free time is hunt down a freind that can't be troubled to call or e-mail me.-COLLAPSE
I'm sure many of the people that do not reply to invites for such an event as a dinner party are the same people that do no host one in return. It's self-centered, flakey people such as these that are always too busy to confirm plans, show up on time, and at some point, return the favor. Whew...needed to vent...
Most people who are lazy about RSVPing simply do not understand the planning involved in hosting a party. Once they do, they understand that hosts like to know as soon as possible how many people are coming or not, not only to plan the food, but also to extend further invitations to bring up the numbers if necessary.
I am glad to see this topic addressed. I feel compelled to add two recent examples from my own experience to the litany of bad behavior chronicled above:
1. Two weeks ago, I organized a small cocktail celebration for a friend's birthday, which took place at her house. Of the confirmed "Yes" RSVPs, two persons did not only not show up, but didn't even call to say they weren't coming. Because we...+READ
I am glad to see this topic addressed. I feel compelled to add two recent examples from my own experience to the litany of bad behavior chronicled above:
1. Two weeks ago, I organized a small cocktail celebration for a friend's birthday, which took place at her house. Of the confirmed "Yes" RSVPs, two persons did not only not show up, but didn't even call to say they weren't coming. Because we were a small group, we sat around for an hour and a half before realizing they had simply blown off the occasion, and then went ahead and opened gifts. The point of the event was to celebrate our friend and make her feel special on her birthday. I was mad on her behalf that these "friends" had treated her so callously, and while I know she was grateful to the rest of us, that had to sting.
2. On the same weekend as the cocktail party, I also organized (and hosted) a birthday brunch for my boyfriend. One guest simply refused to RSVP, despite repeated follow ups by both me and the bf to figure out if she was coming or not. (I needed to finalize the reservation w/the restaurant.) She finally RSVPd yes a day or so before. Then, the morning of, she called to say she was too hung over to attend. So lame. Why didn't she just say, "I don't value the friendship enough to drag my sorry self out of bed for two hours to say happy birthday." Apparently this is classic behavior with her - RSVP yes that the last minute, then cancel the day of. I have no idea why he still includes her in stuff. Either she is just too selfish/self-centered to think about the effect of her actions on others, or she knows but doesn't care enough about their friendship. (Either way, he has had enough & won't be inviting her to his 40th blow-out next year.)
In the first instance, I used, Evite, in the second, I sent a regular email to the group. I am now considering going retro and giving up electronic communication for invites. I use Evite because it is more convenient for both me and, I presume, the invitees, but I suspect the ease of electronic communication makes the "Yes" feel like less of a commitment.-COLLAPSE
No question that this discussion brought many of us out of what I like to call our 'gliding and reading pattern' to add our two cents. And, if you go over all of them what you find, by and large, is that most people feel rather strongly that an invitation is a nice thing to receive and that it's entirely appropriate to respond within the alloted period. You'll also notice, if you will, that those...+READ
No question that this discussion brought many of us out of what I like to call our 'gliding and reading pattern' to add our two cents. And, if you go over all of them what you find, by and large, is that most people feel rather strongly that an invitation is a nice thing to receive and that it's entirely appropriate to respond within the alloted period. You'll also notice, if you will, that those who don't agree with doing things on what's considered the polite side of things just continue on with their self-centered excuses. I don't have to point out who they are and/or what they've said because all our ears perked-up when we read their comments. So, it just shows to go you that there will always be those that do the inviting to show friends and family they appreciate them and entertaining is a nice way to do it - and - there will always be either those that don't thing there's anything wrong with just letting folks dangle or, lastly, the group that are sooooo busy that if they show up at all we should just be grateful for their presents (or is it presence)....sigh....-COLLAPSE
Sadly, I've eliminated many people over the years because they've left me hanging on an invite. I put a lot into planning a soiree, not to mention the cost and having people not respond or fail to show up is beyond rude. My other pet peeve is when people change their mind at the last minute bacause something else came along. I have a friend who has done that a few times...I no longer make plans...+READ
Sadly, I've eliminated many people over the years because they've left me hanging on an invite. I put a lot into planning a soiree, not to mention the cost and having people not respond or fail to show up is beyond rude. My other pet peeve is when people change their mind at the last minute bacause something else came along. I have a friend who has done that a few times...I no longer make plans with her. Last time she mentioned coming over for dinner, I said if you happen to be in the neighborhood sometime, stop by and if we're home we can order pizza from such and such place. Keeps the door open for spontaneity, and prevents me from getting annoyed.-COLLAPSE
Sherpa & Dr.B have got it right. For informal dinner parties and the such, call your friends and invite them. Evite is impersonal and informal and the rsvp's will reflect this approach.
For more formal events us snail mail. If you don't get a response back, simply drop the invitees from your future events.
I'm sure people (even "busy" people) would RSVP immediately if it was to some coveted event & there was a strict time limit for responses. Not responding is rude & inconsiderate. It only takes a minute to call or write an email - except for an emergency or illness, there is no reason to keep a person wondering if you're going to show up. It's just unacceptable.
I'm usually the first to RSVP to anything, but I do understand why people don't RSVP. People are busy. Also, I think it's more rude to turn someone away from your event (whether they RSVP or not) than anything else.
I have dinner parties frequently & I have never had this problem. I either call people or ask them in person & usually get an answer immediately, or just have to wait a day or two while people check with partners. I have never had guest not show up, show up with extra people or show up two hours late. I am frankly shocked that people behave this way - it's completely unacceptable.
Oh, I'm 56 &...+READ
I have dinner parties frequently & I have never had this problem. I either call people or ask them in person & usually get an answer immediately, or just have to wait a day or two while people check with partners. I have never had guest not show up, show up with extra people or show up two hours late. I am frankly shocked that people behave this way - it's completely unacceptable.
Oh, I'm 56 & most of my friends are in their 40s or 50s - I guess that has something to do with it.-COLLAPSE
apb - the two options you give for not RSVPing are part of the slippery slope. Say it is a bar gathering - there's a point at which you might ask the bar to reserve the back room for you or you might want to get there early to ask for "x" number of tables so your crowd isn't strewn all about the establishment. If it's a kegger, you need to know how many kegs to buy - if 10 people take that "hey,...+READ
apb - the two options you give for not RSVPing are part of the slippery slope. Say it is a bar gathering - there's a point at which you might ask the bar to reserve the back room for you or you might want to get there early to ask for "x" number of tables so your crowd isn't strewn all about the establishment. If it's a kegger, you need to know how many kegs to buy - if 10 people take that "hey, a ton of people are showing, I don't need to RSVP," and they bring guests, that's 1 keg more that should have been bought.
Your work schedule, I will guarantee you, is something your friends take into account. And they do give you leeway on the RSVPing (I have a few friends that are nurses and their call schedule comes out twice a month rather than once - the on-call schedule is dicey and a drink can cost them their jobs). Still, the fact that you choose to RSVP and you're honest with your friend about things like, "I can't commit until Thursday, but if you need to know now, I'll politely decline" puts you far above most people.-COLLAPSE
I think it's appropriate not to RSVP:
- when the event is a casual get-together, held in a public place (usually a bar)
- when the event is a big (not catered) blow-out keg-type party where the hosts expect 40+ people to show up
In both cases, the events are casual and are presented as options for your weekend night.
My trouble with RSVPing is that I have an extremely variable work schedule - I...+READ
I think it's appropriate not to RSVP:
- when the event is a casual get-together, held in a public place (usually a bar)
- when the event is a big (not catered) blow-out keg-type party where the hosts expect 40+ people to show up
In both cases, the events are casual and are presented as options for your weekend night.
My trouble with RSVPing is that I have an extremely variable work schedule - I often have evening events to attend or houseguests on a few days' notice - and I hate inconveniencing people. So usually I will tell my friend that I'll be able to let her know a few days ahead of time, but that if she needs to know before that, I will just decline. I always feel a bit weird about it, but I don't have the option of missing a last-minute work engagement because of previously-made social plans.-COLLAPSE
I RSVP to invitations, and I am always furious when people don't RSVP to my invitations.
Except...
Except I have a friend who invites masses of people to "parties" using Evite all the time. I won't hear from her for months, then I'll get an invitation like this:
Hey, guys, I got a promotion and I'm throwing a party to celebrate. My house, Friday night. Please bring food and drink - I'm on a...+READ
I RSVP to invitations, and I am always furious when people don't RSVP to my invitations.
Except...
Except I have a friend who invites masses of people to "parties" using Evite all the time. I won't hear from her for months, then I'll get an invitation like this:
Hey, guys, I got a promotion and I'm throwing a party to celebrate. My house, Friday night. Please bring food and drink - I'm on a low-fat diet, so no cheese and crackers, please. Think healthy! Brings some music or games to play. I'm intending to pull out the Twister. Gifts are of course always appropriate!!!!! Let me know if you're coming.
I never know what part of the party she actually intends to provide herself since she has asked in the past for not just food and drink but chairs! Candles! You name it.
And when I get those invitations, I don't RSVP.-COLLAPSE
I can't believe that you wouldn't RSVP.
Of course I've never-- that I can remember-- received such an invite. Most stuff I do is off the cuff, with less than 8 hours of planning (usually less than one).
Of course we are talking about an acronym of French. But surely, most people know. Maybe we should write, "Respond please" but it seems so dull.
Some people don't know what they've got.
Every year on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, my wife and I throw a big extraveganza at our country house 90 minutes from NYC. We mail out via snail mail maybe 50 invitiations with directions (this covers close to a hundred people). They clearly say RSVP with a telephone number and email address. Most people respond. But there are always those that don't. One person when asked by a mutaul...+READ
Every year on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, my wife and I throw a big extraveganza at our country house 90 minutes from NYC. We mail out via snail mail maybe 50 invitiations with directions (this covers close to a hundred people). They clearly say RSVP with a telephone number and email address. Most people respond. But there are always those that don't. One person when asked by a mutaul friend if he responded yet to the invitation replied, "No, you don't really have to respond even if you're coming." In another case, I was at an event for my cousin's daughter only 4 days before the due date of the response. I told him I hadn't heard from him yet (he had the invitation for almost 2 weeks at that point) and asked him if he and his family were coming. He told me that he still had 4 days in which to respond. Huh? What is going to happen in the next 4 days to make a difference? Just tell me you're not coming. He never did respond. These 2 people as well as anyone else that never responds, have never been invited again.
Besides common curtesy, one needs to know how much food to buy.-COLLAPSE
Here's my take on responding to invitations to a social event. I know for me when people don't respond to an invitation for dinner or a party, they generally don't get a second. Taking a minute or two to communicate your intentions either way is an obligation (that seems to have become more and more optional over the years) that makes the whole social thing go smoother. You do it for me, I'll do...+READ
Here's my take on responding to invitations to a social event. I know for me when people don't respond to an invitation for dinner or a party, they generally don't get a second. Taking a minute or two to communicate your intentions either way is an obligation (that seems to have become more and more optional over the years) that makes the whole social thing go smoother. You do it for me, I'll do it for you; we're all happy. It falls under the umbrella of social niceties, and even though it seems like such a little thing to the invitee, to the inviter, it has meaning. It's part of what separates us from other species we share the earth with.
I guess it's helpful to look at what the acronym RSVP means. If that's what's on the invite, whether it's electronic or print, one is expected to communicate one's intentions NOT to attend.
One related issue for me is when people say they're coming and then don't show up...-COLLAPSE
Vorpol--
You are completely right. Just this last weekend, the SO and I threw a party with accompanying finger foods. I need to have some idea of how many people were coming. Turns out that hardly anyone in his circle RSVP'd (20 out of the 50+ people he invited). Then, when the night of the party arrives, more than half of the people that RSVPd yes to me never showed! Luckily, all of the SO's...+READ
Vorpol--
You are completely right. Just this last weekend, the SO and I threw a party with accompanying finger foods. I need to have some idea of how many people were coming. Turns out that hardly anyone in his circle RSVP'd (20 out of the 50+ people he invited). Then, when the night of the party arrives, more than half of the people that RSVPd yes to me never showed! Luckily, all of the SO's non-responders showed up and ate the food, but I was annoyed. The only people who RSVPd and came when they said they would are our older friends. It definitely makes me not want to serve anything more complex than chips and dip at my next party.-COLLAPSE
I'll break the unanimous consensus here. Most, if not all, of you are overreacting greatly. Yes, not getting RSVPs is annoying, sometimes very annoying, but I get over it. Most of you seem intent on holding a grudge against the people who didn't RSVP rather than making sure the people who show up have a good time. If it bothers you that much simply don't invite the non-RSVPers to the next party -...+READ
I'll break the unanimous consensus here. Most, if not all, of you are overreacting greatly. Yes, not getting RSVPs is annoying, sometimes very annoying, but I get over it. Most of you seem intent on holding a grudge against the people who didn't RSVP rather than making sure the people who show up have a good time. If it bothers you that much simply don't invite the non-RSVPers to the next party - problem solved.
I rarely have a problem with RSVPs. On my invitations I say very clearly that ONLY people who intend to come should call/e-mail me back; that way, people who don't want to come don't have to make excuses (although a lot people do me the courtesy of declining the invite). And, I set a deadline of seven days before the party to respond; that gives me plenty of time to plan amounts of food. I usually get a one or two stranglers after the deadline, but that's no problem because I always plan for a little more food than I need.-COLLAPSE
People just suck in general. And they have no manners. I mean, have you noticed that not only can you not get them to put the RSVP in the mail, to which you have already addressed and stamped, but that they can't even be bothered to cover their mouths when they yawn? Or stop talking while they yawn for that matter? Isn't it grand that when they do show up at your house, after they didn't let you...+READ
People just suck in general. And they have no manners. I mean, have you noticed that not only can you not get them to put the RSVP in the mail, to which you have already addressed and stamped, but that they can't even be bothered to cover their mouths when they yawn? Or stop talking while they yawn for that matter? Isn't it grand that when they do show up at your house, after they didn't let you know they were coming, you can see every molar in their damned head while they continue to flap their gaping piehole while yawning loudly and making pigs of themselves? And then if you mention that you would have loved to know earlier if they were coming, they just laugh and say that "No one they know ever sends those things back." Of course this could mean an RSVP to a wedding or to a formal dinner party.
My husband and I spent quite a bit of money on catering for people who sent back RSVPs telling us they were coming and then who didn't bother showing up. No call to tell us of an emergency or anything. We weren't refunded that money either. When I mentioned to my husband's mother before the wedding that I still had not received several RSVPs, she told me that many people don't send them. Like it was an accepted custom. We are talking about Irapedmysister, Mississippi. I told her that they had no excuse since there was a stamp and address on it already, and all they had to was write the name and number of those attending. I still had to make numerous calls telling people I needed those cards. Idiots. At least I live 600 miles away from those people and will never be inviting them to anything else.-COLLAPSE
who are these people?? and what goes through their minds?
when i see how unanimous everyone here is on how terrible it is not to respond, well, it makes one wonder.
my own two cents is that i understand that people work a lot or possibly travel for work or otherwise, and wouldn't necessarily expect for people to commit to a simple dinner party two months in advance... but really, it is truly...+READ
who are these people?? and what goes through their minds?
when i see how unanimous everyone here is on how terrible it is not to respond, well, it makes one wonder.
my own two cents is that i understand that people work a lot or possibly travel for work or otherwise, and wouldn't necessarily expect for people to commit to a simple dinner party two months in advance... but really, it is truly insulting to get the kind of "oh, we'll see what else is going on that night" response. am i really at the bottom of your list? would you really have so many better options? ditto for asking who else is coming/what i'm serving and then giving an answer - should it matter if pork chops or fish are on the menu?
i'm just trying to debate over what's worse; responding in the affirmative and not showing up, or just never responding at all. i mean, when i buy and cook for ten and then only 5 show... well, not only does it waste my time and effort, but it's hurtful! most often the excuse later on isn't some horrible emergency, but just i forgot, i was shopping, whatever. am i that easy to forget about?
and why isn't it crystal clear to these people that such behavior could be hurtful?-COLLAPSE
Completely agree with all of the above. I use evite because it automatically sends reminders, but if only I could disable that "maybe" option. It drives me nuts, and the reasons people give for the maybe just make me more annoyed - generally along the lines of, well, need to see what else is going to be happening that weekend.
The one feature I do love, however, is that it lets the sender see...+READ
Completely agree with all of the above. I use evite because it automatically sends reminders, but if only I could disable that "maybe" option. It drives me nuts, and the reasons people give for the maybe just make me more annoyed - generally along the lines of, well, need to see what else is going to be happening that weekend.
The one feature I do love, however, is that it lets the sender see when people have viewed the invite. Then you can see who keeps checking back, but is NOT RSVPing. When I told some friends that that feature existed, they were mortified (and subsequently have become a modicum better about RSVPing, although then they generally resort to "maybe". Gah!). At this point, if people don't RSVP to an evite, I don't include them on the next one. If they find out about the party another way... I tell them why.
(I feel like a crotchety grump, but it is one of my greatest pet peeves. Manners. I just ask for a few manners. It's not THAT hard.)
In the past, I have had friends who were not willing to commit to small dinner parties I've held - and were horrifyingly honest about it. I'd send an invite a couple of weeks ahead of time, and they would respond with, well, I don't like to plan that far ahead, but I'll let you know a couple of days before. So I disinvited them. I felt sort of bad, but simultaneously, if I am willing to spend an afternoon cooking dinner for friends, I expect them to be willing to schedule in an evening eating said dinner, and not wait until the last minute to see if something better comes up.
This doesn't even tap into the annoyance I feel when people are over 15 minutes late - without calling to let me know - to said dinner parties..-COLLAPSE
Holy cow, I'm going to have to restrain myself...
I got the entertaining gene bad from my mother, and I throw large events all the time. Frequently I got WAY out of my way to get tickets, prepare awesome food, etc. I'm about ready to give it up completely. Last year's 50 person group Thanksgiving feast almost killed me.
My friends have their heads so far up their behinds sometimes it drives me...+READ
Holy cow, I'm going to have to restrain myself...
I got the entertaining gene bad from my mother, and I throw large events all the time. Frequently I got WAY out of my way to get tickets, prepare awesome food, etc. I'm about ready to give it up completely. Last year's 50 person group Thanksgiving feast almost killed me.
My friends have their heads so far up their behinds sometimes it drives me nuts. Most are in the late 20s/early 30s range, and it seems like they all forgot to RSVP for the RSVP etiquette class.
Why? I work so hard so frequently, and most people don't have the time to tell me if they're coming or not. It really makes a caring host feel under appreciated.
Bravo to the lady that told her friends to go "sit at the bar". I'd have loved to see the look on their faces.-COLLAPSE
Vivianna, I had trouble getting people to RSVP to my wedding and had to call them after the RSVP by date too. When I did, I told them in no uncertain terms that if I didn't receive something from them by the end of this week, they will be disinvited and there will be no seats for them--so no need showing up. Sadly, I've had to do this with dinner parties, gatherings, etc., as well. Even sadder,...+READ
Vivianna, I had trouble getting people to RSVP to my wedding and had to call them after the RSVP by date too. When I did, I told them in no uncertain terms that if I didn't receive something from them by the end of this week, they will be disinvited and there will be no seats for them--so no need showing up. Sadly, I've had to do this with dinner parties, gatherings, etc., as well. Even sadder, this approach has worked 100% of the time for me. It's like people will respond only if you force them to.-COLLAPSE
This is the reason I stopped having large dinner parties- I'd invite 20-25 people, and maybe 5 would give me definite RSVP's before the day of the party. Without fail, I'd get a deluge of calls/emails the morning/afternoon/evening of and find myself rushing to the grocery store an hour before the party to get extra food. I spend time planning and shopping for a menu but those I invite can't spend...+READ
This is the reason I stopped having large dinner parties- I'd invite 20-25 people, and maybe 5 would give me definite RSVP's before the day of the party. Without fail, I'd get a deluge of calls/emails the morning/afternoon/evening of and find myself rushing to the grocery store an hour before the party to get extra food. I spend time planning and shopping for a menu but those I invite can't spend 5 minutes to shoot me a call or email to RSVP? I'm over it...now I just invite 5-6 close friends who I know are good dining companions and it always ends up being a great time.-COLLAPSE
I had trouble getting people to RSVP for my wedding, nevermind dinner parties. And these were (obviously) close friends! I, too, had to make additional calls after the "RSVP by" date. And, no, I didn't use Evite for this...
With all due respect to Midwesterners (I lived in Chicago and attended graduate school in Hyde Park), I'm afraid that a 'maybe' is absolutely synonymous with being non-committal and few, if any, of the Midwesterners that I knew intimately suffered from anything akin to terminal shyness or vague reluctance. Once again, let's be reasonable - how is a host/hostess ever to gauge whether or not a...+READ
With all due respect to Midwesterners (I lived in Chicago and attended graduate school in Hyde Park), I'm afraid that a 'maybe' is absolutely synonymous with being non-committal and few, if any, of the Midwesterners that I knew intimately suffered from anything akin to terminal shyness or vague reluctance. Once again, let's be reasonable - how is a host/hostess ever to gauge whether or not a person (regardless of there place of origin, ethnicity, etc.,) plans on attending a function that they're preparing and paying for when the answer is so totally nebulous? There is absolutely nothing wrong with refusing an invitation, in fact, if you can't attend it's the decent thing to do and to do at once. Further, if you can go (and here you don't have to wait to see what other invitations come in or if Mary Smith or Joe Dokins is also attending)then just be a grown-up and say yes and, by the way, also say thank you. Lots of people forget that little tidbit as well.-COLLAPSE
My guess is people assume they are the only one saying maybe, or the only one who says yes but doesn't show. Or the only one who doesn't RSVP and does show, and how much difference does one person really make? Of course, they're wrong, and incredibly rude, but I assume that's the justification. I have a friend in her early 20's with pretty awful manners. It's hard enough to get a verbal "Thank...+READ
My guess is people assume they are the only one saying maybe, or the only one who says yes but doesn't show. Or the only one who doesn't RSVP and does show, and how much difference does one person really make? Of course, they're wrong, and incredibly rude, but I assume that's the justification. I have a friend in her early 20's with pretty awful manners. It's hard enough to get a verbal "Thank you" out of her after you buy her dinner, so I'm assuming, like many things, manners and etiquette are out the window. I'm 25, but my mom would strangle me if she knew I went to someone's house for dinner without flowers or something else. Many times, she stayed up baking my brother and I cookies for us to take to people's houses. So, it's probably safe to say that dinner parties will soon be a thing of the past, who can deal with the frustration?
Would it be rude to put a deadline on the invite, saying RSVP by x date? I'm sure that will eliminate a lot of the people who can't be bothered to be decisive for once, but it's their loss.-COLLAPSE
That maybe column is a nice one in Evite for people who are a little less aggressive about saying no, particularly folks from the Upper Midwest who rarely say no directly.
My coworker was just talking about the "California Commitment." It goes like this:
"Hey, I'm having some folks over for dinner on Friday, and I'd love for you to come."
"Great!"
His point is that you think you hear a "yes," but really you just hear enthusiasm.
I agree with the posters who say that Evite is part of the problem, not part of the solution. It makes it so easy to RSVP "Maybe" so that...+READ
My coworker was just talking about the "California Commitment." It goes like this:
"Hey, I'm having some folks over for dinner on Friday, and I'd love for you to come."
"Great!"
His point is that you think you hear a "yes," but really you just hear enthusiasm.
I agree with the posters who say that Evite is part of the problem, not part of the solution. It makes it so easy to RSVP "Maybe" so that you feel like you've fulfilled your social obligation to respond, but you haven't really given the host any useful information.-COLLAPSE
This seems to have struck a nerve. Lots of responses in a very short time...but i completely and totally agree with all of them. I love to throw parties, and I'm on the verge of giving up even trying since some of our friends NEVER rsvp. It's getting ridiculous. The last party, which involved dinner, I had 12 yeses two days before the event...and 8 maybes. We had NO idea how much food to buy and...+READ
This seems to have struck a nerve. Lots of responses in a very short time...but i completely and totally agree with all of them. I love to throw parties, and I'm on the verge of giving up even trying since some of our friends NEVER rsvp. It's getting ridiculous. The last party, which involved dinner, I had 12 yeses two days before the event...and 8 maybes. We had NO idea how much food to buy and ended up with about twice as much as we needed. (2 of the maybes came...4 of the yeses never showed.)
Did these people's parents just never teach them anything? I'm a 20-something and I know better than to leave my host hanging till the last minute, so it's not an age thing.-COLLAPSE
Great topic! My friends and I talk about this all the time. I recently got married and have never been more frustrated at people's lack of manners in RSVP'ing. I mean come on people, this isn't a backyard BBQ!!! Even after all the RSVP's were in, we had 10 people not show up, due to various and sundry piss poor excuses. I can tell you this...next time I get married none of those people are...+READ
Great topic! My friends and I talk about this all the time. I recently got married and have never been more frustrated at people's lack of manners in RSVP'ing. I mean come on people, this isn't a backyard BBQ!!! Even after all the RSVP's were in, we had 10 people not show up, due to various and sundry piss poor excuses. I can tell you this...next time I get married none of those people are getting invited!! ;)-COLLAPSE
I'm in w/ Dr.Behaviour on this one. I hosted a party last month that i had requested RSVP and a specific date w/ the note that I needed to inform the restaurant of the numbers simply bc it would impact greatly on the seating available. I had slow responses that I had to follow up with a call, which in itself was infuriating, and more so, when one close friend who said yes earlier (in the...+READ
I'm in w/ Dr.Behaviour on this one. I hosted a party last month that i had requested RSVP and a specific date w/ the note that I needed to inform the restaurant of the numbers simply bc it would impact greatly on the seating available. I had slow responses that I had to follow up with a call, which in itself was infuriating, and more so, when one close friend who said yes earlier (in the pre-mailer stages) waited until 12hours before to confirm her attendance! My mother taught me to not only respond ASAP but to follow up w/ a thank you note for gifts received (this was, after all a birthday party). The lack of reciprocal common courtesy boggles my mind!-COLLAPSE
And age doesn't seem to make a difference at all. Some of the older of my invitees don't respond. Some of the younger...
And if you bring friends without responding or asking that is a sure way to get yourself uninvited from future events. I love having lots of people present, but need some warning!
I HATE when people don't RSVP. I often send out an email, and an evite, and call people and I still don't know. Everytime I tell the SO I want to revert back to paper invitations he laughs that I think I will have more luck that way.
Especially with Evite it is like a science. You have to have a good momentum lots of joiners at the beginning with few maybes and nos, you can't send it to early or...+READ
I HATE when people don't RSVP. I often send out an email, and an evite, and call people and I still don't know. Everytime I tell the SO I want to revert back to paper invitations he laughs that I think I will have more luck that way.
Especially with Evite it is like a science. You have to have a good momentum lots of joiners at the beginning with few maybes and nos, you can't send it to early or too late. It is so frustrating, especially because most of my events are at places that need me to estimate head count for valet and etc. My very good friends would never think of not responding either yes or no, but some a little further out from my inner circle are habitual about this and I have cut some from invitations.
I HATE this. If you are reading this and don't normally RSVP please change your ways and start. It is so frustrating.-COLLAPSE
I don't think it's an age thing - I'm in my late 30s and this still happens.
It's interesting that evite comes up; I personally think that this is one of the reasons it's become difficult to get RSVPs. I used it probably 3-4 years ago, but I've since either a) sent out mailed invites or b) sent out e-mails of my own (with phone calls) depending on the event type. I believe evite let you hide the...+READ
I don't think it's an age thing - I'm in my late 30s and this still happens.
It's interesting that evite comes up; I personally think that this is one of the reasons it's become difficult to get RSVPs. I used it probably 3-4 years ago, but I've since either a) sent out mailed invites or b) sent out e-mails of my own (with phone calls) depending on the event type. I believe evite let you hide the invite list, but most individuals waited and waited and waited until they saw who was coming to decide. You forget that in your circle of friends there are all sorts of minor personality conflicts going on, but the evite seems to bring out the worst in passive-aggressive behavior (from the friend waiting to see if "enough" people are coming to the one that embroiled in a "conflict" that is anxious to reply before persons B & C get the chance so they mark their territory). Don't even get me started on the comments!
The only thing worse than no RSVP is the "maybe" RSVP. How individuals think that you're going to take that in a positive light is beyond me - you might as well say, "well, I'll see who else invites me to what and if your event seems better, I'll come to yours." (I'm not talking about the legit maybes - family issues, hunting for baby sitters, the flu getting passed around the house) - I mean the one-word or phrase response that gives you no indication of anything other than a "maybe."
The only advantage with age is that you start getting rid of the fringe friends after a while - the ones that only want you there for them, the ones that never reciprocate, the ones that seem to take but never give, the ones that are constantly on the lookout for what will do them best. At this point, you're not sending out as many invites so the swing isn't as bad. Heck, you might weed them out based on this behavior (the most memorable one for me was the woman that skipped out on a friend's first baby shower to watch a college football game with her boyfriend's buddies - but only after she'd sent an evite to the majority of the shower attendees asking if they'd like to come over to watch the game as well).
Oh - a final note. If you do say you're going to come, but suddenly find you can't due to family emergency, illness, a project change at work or something similar - call as soon as you know. Your host will appreciate knowing before they have to say to themselves, "wow, it's 2 hours in and Joe and Sally are never this late!"-COLLAPSE
I don't even think I'd try to host a dinner party with my friends (all in their early to late 20s). Any time I invite a group over for a casual drinking / mingling party or any other event, only about half of them reply. Then, as it turns out, about half the people saying they're coming surprise me and don't show up at all, half the people saying who didn't reply just decide to show up, and a...+READ
I don't even think I'd try to host a dinner party with my friends (all in their early to late 20s). Any time I invite a group over for a casual drinking / mingling party or any other event, only about half of them reply. Then, as it turns out, about half the people saying they're coming surprise me and don't show up at all, half the people saying who didn't reply just decide to show up, and a small number of people come several hours after the indicated start time. It would be impossible for me to plan food for such a bunch.
I'm wondering what other people's experiences with this age range are like. Are my friends the exception, or is it becoming normal for younger people to simply have trouble with this type of commitment?-COLLAPSE
This entire post is mind-boggling to say the least. I don't know - perhaps, it's my age that makes the rudeness of not responding to a heartfelt dinner invitation (replete with RSVP) unfathomable. All I know for certain is that my mother (rest her soul) certainly taught my siblings and me a lot better than to behave indifferently to people's feelings. If someone is not only kind enough to send...+READ
This entire post is mind-boggling to say the least. I don't know - perhaps, it's my age that makes the rudeness of not responding to a heartfelt dinner invitation (replete with RSVP) unfathomable. All I know for certain is that my mother (rest her soul) certainly taught my siblings and me a lot better than to behave indifferently to people's feelings. If someone is not only kind enough to send you an invitation, be it by e-mail or snail mail, the very least a person can do is respond post haste. What does it matter if something else comes up - you honestly know immediately whether or not you want to attend this particular person's function. Just be polite and say either yes or no without all the excuse making about dates on calendars and other functions that may or may not occur. In sum, be pleased that you received an invitation at all because there are a lot of folks who'd just love to change places with you! All RSVP's are welcome, by the way.-COLLAPSE
last thanksgiving i hosted a large dinner at my SF apartment. 18 people, to be exact. this was more than i expected but less than i invited. so many, in fact, that i had to borrow tables and chairs so i could set my table formally for each person. I spent many days prepping and, although i asked people to bring a side dish, made all of the main dishes including the turkey. at the last minute, i...+READ
last thanksgiving i hosted a large dinner at my SF apartment. 18 people, to be exact. this was more than i expected but less than i invited. so many, in fact, that i had to borrow tables and chairs so i could set my table formally for each person. I spent many days prepping and, although i asked people to bring a side dish, made all of the main dishes including the turkey. at the last minute, i had a friend ask me if her boyfriend could come, and i had to say "no", because i just didn't have the room. as guests start arriving, one of the non-responsive invitees shows up, WITH a friend. i was furious and felt disrespected, since i had spent the better part of a week prepping only for someone not to have 30 seconds to RSVP. I told her politely that she could mingle for drinks, but she couldn't sit down at the table because i had no room. we're still friends, of course, and she got the point. not every friendly get-together is casual, and this one was very important to me.-COLLAPSE