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Dear Helena,
The other night, my husband and I had his old college friend and his wife over for dinner. As is customary for us, my husband and I put a lot of thought and time into the dinner: We made upscale enchiladas, pinto beans stewed with bacon, spinach salad with citrus fruits, and for dessert, chocolate-raspberry pudding cake. They both cleaned their plates, but at no time during the meal did our two guests, who are both professionals in their 30s (not that it matters, really), say, “This is really good!” or anything to that effect. They said a little generic “Thanks” when we hugged them goodbye, but never sent an email or thank-you note for the dinner in the days following. I was actually angry to the point of saying to my husband, “They are never invited back.” Am I being oversensitive? How thankful should a polite dinner guest be about the meal? And how best should they express their gratitude? —Mexican Dinner Unappreciated
Dear Mexican Dinner,
A clean plate is no replacement for a compliment about the meal. As Raya Dukhan, a New York web designer who likes to entertain, says: “Eating a lot is not enough. It could be you were just really hungry.”
“Thanks for a great meal” is not good enough either. You could say it to anybody who cooks for you. Debby Hoffman, motivational speaker and coauthor of the book Find Something Nice to Say: The Power of Compliments, calls this a “one-size-fits-all compliment.” Such comments are nice to hear, but they don’t make the receiver feel special. All the chefs I spoke to said they like to get a little more validation. Here are some tips on how to best show your appreciation for a meal.
Firstly, be specific. As Hoffman says, the best compliments are “full of details, particular to that person and that event.” They show that you’ve really noticed what you’re eating and that your praise is sincere. “Recently I had a dinner party, and I made pasta with herbs from my garden,” says web designer Dukhan. “It was nice when my guests said things like, ‘You can really taste the fresh basil.’”
Even better: Turn your compliment about the dinner into a general statement about your host. Mark Knapp, a professor of communication at the University of Texas, says, “Research shows that the compliments people like most and remember most are those that seem to have a bearing on their personality and attributes rather than on a specific feature. People like to hear, ‘That hat looks great on you,’ but they’d rather hear, ‘You have great taste.’” You can be specific and generalize about the host’s personality at the same time. For instance, you might say: “You come up with so many great uses for fresh herbs.”
Even after rhapsodizing about the food during dinner, you should thank your host a second time, a day or two later. The first time you compliment him or her, your host might be tipsy and not remember it afterward. Plus, many people are embarrassed by compliments and often can’t fully enjoy them in the moment. So it’s nice to offer your appreciation in a form they can savor, like email or snail mail.
Try not to start with the phrase thank you. If you shun this clichéd beginning, it shows you’ve gone to extra trouble with your note. “It forces you to be creative,” says Regan Gage, a San Francisco HIV researcher who has written many thank-you notes.
If you thank your host by email, it’s best to delay your second thank-you a little. Lenore Tice, a caterer and frequent dinner-party host in Austin, Texas, explains: “If you thank your host the day after, it’s like, ‘I’ll forget it if I don’t do it now.’ If you leave it for a couple of days, it shows you remembered the dinner.” (If you’re mailing a thank-you note, you can put it in the post right away, as it will take a day or two to arrive.)
Use email as your default mode of sending thanks, and save handwritten notes as a way to mark special occasions. If you pen a gushing missive every time someone has you over, you could devalue your thank-you note until it just means plain old thank you.
Table Manners appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
This reads like Unappreciated went to that much trouble for the purpose of being appreciated, not to please her guests. It wouldn't surprise me that the guests would have preferred to be elsewhere and accepted the invitation only to avoid the unpleasantness of declining.
Unappreciated sounds a bit needy to me. The guests might be relieved not to be invited back.
It's true that we can't tell from this story 1) whether the guests had just had a terrific battle in the hour about their code blue marriage; 2) whether they truly didn't care for the meal but were starved so ate it all anyway; or 3) what is the nature of the relationship between the husband and his "old college friend and his wife".
It's also true that we live in a country where the words "thank...+READ
It's true that we can't tell from this story 1) whether the guests had just had a terrific battle in the hour about their code blue marriage; 2) whether they truly didn't care for the meal but were starved so ate it all anyway; or 3) what is the nature of the relationship between the husband and his "old college friend and his wife".
It's also true that we live in a country where the words "thank you" and "please forgive me" are becoming harder to hear, and apparently to say. The same holds true for people not responding to RSVP on mailed invitations or offering condolences on hearing of the death of a close family member because "I didn't want to bother you at this time".
Let's face it people - the world sees us - and who can fault them - as a nation of boors.-COLLAPSE
It is a shame to think that people can't take the trouble to simply say thank you. I know when I have people over for dinner or to stay for the weekend I put a lot of work and effort into it. It is also nice to receive a thank you afterwards. You will find lots of thank you note examples on the site below to make saying thank you easier.
http://www.thank-you-note-examples-wording-ideas.com
I agree with the author but I'm clearly biased: I own a website full of samples of pre-written thank you notes for all occasions. I wrote it because I know it can be tough to find the right words to thank people but don't believe that an excuse not to thank them. Muttering "thanks" at the end of the evening is a start but come on, even my 4-year-old does that unprompted. Adults who want to be...+READ
I agree with the author but I'm clearly biased: I own a website full of samples of pre-written thank you notes for all occasions. I wrote it because I know it can be tough to find the right words to thank people but don't believe that an excuse not to thank them. Muttering "thanks" at the end of the evening is a start but come on, even my 4-year-old does that unprompted. Adults who want to be part of a civilized community are expected to do more.
A really like Helena's (author's) point about not emailing your thank you immediately: "If you leave it for a couple of days, it shows you remembered the dinner.” I never thought of it that way and totally agree.
If anyone wants to copy some thank you notes, have at it! http://www.thank-you-note-samples.com-COLLAPSE
Maybe they were just intimidated by your prowess?
I too, used go all out to give people a memorable dining experience at my place, then one evening, after what I thought was a fabulous feast served to people I thought I knew quite well(seafood boudin, herbed ricotta tartlets with sundried tomatoes, loin of pork stuffed with apricots and spices and accompanying roast veges, followed by homemade...+READ
Maybe they were just intimidated by your prowess?
I too, used go all out to give people a memorable dining experience at my place, then one evening, after what I thought was a fabulous feast served to people I thought I knew quite well(seafood boudin, herbed ricotta tartlets with sundried tomatoes, loin of pork stuffed with apricots and spices and accompanying roast veges, followed by homemade ice cream with white peaches poached in wine and palm sugar), disaster struck.
They dutifully ate everything I served them, then after seeing them off, I realised they were taking a long tome to leave the driveway. The woman was vomiting her heart up in the garden - the meal wasn't what they were used to and it was waaaaaay too rich for her, but she knew I'd gone to a lot of trouble and was too intimidated by my cooking skills to say anything.....poor pet!
Hence forth, I find out what people like to eat and serve it to them. No more foisting culinary opera productions on unsuspecting stomachs...some people can't take it, and some are just plain intimidated....-COLLAPSE
I agree that a polite thankyou would have been in order. But you should remember that its the journey, not the destination thats most important. So if you cooked just for the accolades, i"m afraid youve got the wrong recipe.
oops, i meant, "never any reason NOT to say . . ."
Whoever you are, there is never any reason to say "that was wonderful, thank you so much" even if it is a lie. No need to go into specifics if you truly hated it, but no one is hurt by a little white lie.
There's a thousand reasons why they may not have been "on" that night, and forgot to say thanks. They could have been in a horrible fight right before showing up for dinner, they could've been ill, they could've been horrified by the food that they were served. However, there is absolutely no reason they couldn't have sent a Thank You Note. It's not old fashioned. It's called manners.
Perhaps you need to look beyond their level of enjoyment of the food. Was the conversation good, did flow it flow easily and touch on enough topics to include everyone? There are so many ways to gauge the success of a social engagement.
Not everyone is into food as an experience. As someone who is, I always find it gratifying to share and/or cook a meal for a like minded eater. That shared...+READ
Perhaps you need to look beyond their level of enjoyment of the food. Was the conversation good, did flow it flow easily and touch on enough topics to include everyone? There are so many ways to gauge the success of a social engagement.
Not everyone is into food as an experience. As someone who is, I always find it gratifying to share and/or cook a meal for a like minded eater. That shared interest will motivate me in my choice of what to prepare. I also take into account (and ask if I don't know) the tastes, allergies, diets, etc. of those I'm cooking for. If I'm having them into my home its about more than showcasing my cooking skills, it is because, bottom line I want to spend time with them. Breaking bread breaks down barriers and helps create an environment for true communication. And if everyone enjoys the meal, so much the better! I've had wonderful experiences despite atrocious meals in their home. The company was so good that I just learned to eat before their meal!
That said, regardless of the guests interest in food as a life focus, a well mannered person will be aware of & appreciate the energy expended in entertaining and respond appropriately. But what is "appropriate" varies greatly from person to person, age & background having much to do with it!-COLLAPSE
Stephmo, you misunderstood me. I spend a lot of money on stationery, and I sometimes send thank you cards for the most minor of thank yous. Or just to say hi. I only wish that $1.50 was all it took.
I think we're missing a point, here.
There are some people who don't express emotion (such as gratitude) the same way most other people do. What if the guested couple were raised in families where "Thanks" was considered sufficient? Or, consider Asperger's Syndrome, a spectrum disorder of autism. People with AS see issues as black or white, they don't interpret social cues they way other...+READ
I think we're missing a point, here.
There are some people who don't express emotion (such as gratitude) the same way most other people do. What if the guested couple were raised in families where "Thanks" was considered sufficient? Or, consider Asperger's Syndrome, a spectrum disorder of autism. People with AS see issues as black or white, they don't interpret social cues they way other people do. To them, a "Thanks" is the most they would offer, if even that much, it never occuring to them more was necessary--you invited them for dinner, they ate it, what more do you want?
I agree it's great to get effusive compliments, but If you're dissatisfied with a "Thanks" and want more stroking, then IMNSVHO it means you're putting on the dinner for your own ego's benefit more than to show love and attention to your guests.-COLLAPSE
Wow, Stephmo, I think you wildly misinterpreted Davina's comment. Irony doesn't always come across on the web.
I would guess that Davina has a soft spot for buying pretty stationery and is grateful for the chance to put it to use.
I bet she has excellent penmanship as well.
I'm all for good etiquette: it's not politeness for its own sake, it's about making people feel comfortable and...+READ
Wow, Stephmo, I think you wildly misinterpreted Davina's comment. Irony doesn't always come across on the web.
I would guess that Davina has a soft spot for buying pretty stationery and is grateful for the chance to put it to use.
I bet she has excellent penmanship as well.
I'm all for good etiquette: it's not politeness for its own sake, it's about making people feel comfortable and appreciated. But I also enjoy seeing how people can get really irate and hostile about other people's imaginary bad manners.-COLLAPSE
I'm of two minds on this. OTOH, I love having people over and cooking for them b/c of the camaraderie, the company, the opportunity to nurture the people I care about, the all-gathered-around the table sharing good food, good drinks and good conversation! In some ways, it's almost a selfish thing to entertain because I derive so much joy out of it that's it's like it's all about me! In that...+READ
I'm of two minds on this. OTOH, I love having people over and cooking for them b/c of the camaraderie, the company, the opportunity to nurture the people I care about, the all-gathered-around the table sharing good food, good drinks and good conversation! In some ways, it's almost a selfish thing to entertain because I derive so much joy out of it that's it's like it's all about me! In that sense, b/c it makes me so happy to entertain, that's all the appreciation I need.
But I agree that guests should, at the least, say "thank you" or "I really enjoyed the meal" or something similar. Now, there's no need to say those statements repeatedly during the course of the meal (that would make me suspicious and uncomfortable), nor is there any need to make exaggerated moans or groans of pleasure
(please--spare me!).
If you look around the table at the end of the meal, and you see that pretty much everything has been consumed and there is a happy, content look on people's faces, then you know you did good.
I really have no need for thank you cards or gifts or anything like that but can understand how such gestures would be appreciated. I don't really care if the same friends never invite me over for dinner (lots of reasons for that: small space, insecurity about one's cooking ability, people who flat-out do not enjoy cooking, etc.; I don't take it personally). Just a simple "thank you" upon leaving suffices.
For me, having people over is almost as much about ME as it is about YOU (the guests). And as long as people keep on accepting my invites, I'll take that as a good sign.-COLLAPSE
Davina - perhaps you need to recheck the Thank You card section. You can get 10-20 packs for less than $10. Throw a 47 cent stamp on this and you've sent a Thank You note that will WOW a host for less than $1.50. Do you think that maybe, just maybe, your host/hostess shelled out more than $1.50 to entertain you? Do you think that the 10 minutes you'll spend finding the card, writing a sincere...+READ
Davina - perhaps you need to recheck the Thank You card section. You can get 10-20 packs for less than $10. Throw a 47 cent stamp on this and you've sent a Thank You note that will WOW a host for less than $1.50. Do you think that maybe, just maybe, your host/hostess shelled out more than $1.50 to entertain you? Do you think that the 10 minutes you'll spend finding the card, writing a sincere thank you, addressing the envelope and walking the card to your mailbox is even remotely equal to the time they spent planning, preparing and cleaning their home? Please, if you really feel the stationary industry is out to get you, do the proper thing. Eschew all invitations and send back all gifts to anyone you would be required by basic etiquette to send a Thank You card to - explain that you feel that the stationary companies are out to get you by forcing you to spend ridiculous amounts of money on Thank You cards and you want to send a message to them by never being put in the position to send a Thank You card.
I'm more and more amazed at the number of adults posting here that think basic manners are some antiquated thing that anyone that expects a bare-minimum is some uptight jerk that is being selfish. Entertaining - even if it is just having folks over for Pizzas and movies - takes time and effort. Things have to be planned, hosts remember what guests prefer, hosts clean and make their homes comfortable for one reason - YOU. When you're invited over, remember that this was for YOU. YOU are already the center of attention and effort has been made on your behalf.
Keep that in mind and genuine compliments and a follow-up Thank You a few days later (you will know the difference between a call situation and a Thank You card situation) will seem like the least that you could do for the effort someone put into YOU.-COLLAPSE
My brother-in-law has a habit of being overly honest and thus appearing rude. I will never forget the first time he and my sister were over for dinner and my sister gave me the generic 'this soup tastes terrific" or whatever, and b-i-l followed it up with "Yeah... it's okay." It shocked me at first, but now I think it's funny. If I ever do get a compliment from him I will know it is genuine!
...+READ
My brother-in-law has a habit of being overly honest and thus appearing rude. I will never forget the first time he and my sister were over for dinner and my sister gave me the generic 'this soup tastes terrific" or whatever, and b-i-l followed it up with "Yeah... it's okay." It shocked me at first, but now I think it's funny. If I ever do get a compliment from him I will know it is genuine!
Simple thanks are nice; specific thanks are memorable; effusive thanks make me suspicious. Needy hosts make me nervous as hell.-COLLAPSE
I wholeheartedly agree with jlgarrett (and with farofa)! Bring on the manners. It's not about food quality, it's about showing people you noticed the effort they went to for you. Thanking someone makes that person want to give more the next time around. It's good for friendships, good for society, etc.
The satsisfaction of the primary instincts, toghether with the need of keeping social bonds, is highly anxiogenic for human beings.So we create rituals to deal with these situations, like wedding rings or table manners. Sharing their food... can you imagine how it made the primitive men and women anxious? Of course ritual is different from culture to culture and changes with times, but some kind...+READ
The satsisfaction of the primary instincts, toghether with the need of keeping social bonds, is highly anxiogenic for human beings.So we create rituals to deal with these situations, like wedding rings or table manners. Sharing their food... can you imagine how it made the primitive men and women anxious? Of course ritual is different from culture to culture and changes with times, but some kind of ritual is always needed. The more civilized, the most elaborated and refined the rituals can become (p. e. the japanese tea ceremony, or the orixa food in afro brazilian religion). Contemporary societies sometimes believe they can get away without rituals but it is of great arrogancy to believe you are superior to all those "primitive" people. So, follow the rules, or create new ones...
Something I love about italians: they eat with joy, and praise their food while eating it!-COLLAPSE
I think pathgeek is on to something. At the risk of getting all wavy-gravy: There's something powerfully good about feeling and sharing *gratitude* for the good things in life. Sharing a meal with friends is good. Sharing a meal that friends prepared especially for you is really good.
Nevermind all the shoulds, wouldn't it be nice to slowed down and realize "this is great and I'm grateful" and...+READ
I think pathgeek is on to something. At the risk of getting all wavy-gravy: There's something powerfully good about feeling and sharing *gratitude* for the good things in life. Sharing a meal with friends is good. Sharing a meal that friends prepared especially for you is really good.
Nevermind all the shoulds, wouldn't it be nice to slowed down and realize "this is great and I'm grateful" and then express this in whatever way makes the most sense?
It sounds like the problem with the Mexican Dinner is that someone took the time to share and didn't feel appreciated, and that's a shame. Maybe the reason not to invite those folks back isn't because they were rude, but because they're not the sort of people who appreciated the kind of goodness you're serving up.-COLLAPSE
Sending thank-you notes is the PERFECT excuse for spending too much money on pretty cards and stationery. That's my problem.
Sure, it would have been nice to be thanked multiple times, or to have received effuisve praise about the meal. But not everyone puts as much thought into dinner as these people. Some people just aren't that into food or entertaining, and they probably assumed it was a casual dinner with friends.
Why have friends over if you're only trying to gain compliments for yourself?
Aaargh, this drives me and my husband crazy too. We often have people over for dinner (my husband is Indian, and we make amazing Indian food). People are always angling for invitations. But afterwards, we never get any sort of thanks--no email, no call, no nothing. It's pretty disheartening.
I think that is absolutely essential to express ones gratitude and appreciation to a host for a dinner, whether you liked it or not. Good manners are not about being perfectly honest, it's about being kind to one another by showing your appreciation, being thoughtful and attentive to others' feelings. Something that is lacking these days on many levels.
I'd feel the same way if my guests didn't appear thankful for the hard work in preparing the meal but I have come to understand that there are many people who don't appreciate food the way we "foodies" do.
Last Saturday we had a couple over (husband used to work with) and I spent a long time preparing the meal with lots of veggies from our CSA and homemade white chocolate chunk cookies, etc....+READ
I'd feel the same way if my guests didn't appear thankful for the hard work in preparing the meal but I have come to understand that there are many people who don't appreciate food the way we "foodies" do.
Last Saturday we had a couple over (husband used to work with) and I spent a long time preparing the meal with lots of veggies from our CSA and homemade white chocolate chunk cookies, etc. Well, the couple only eat corn vegetable and did not touch the zucchini gratin, mushrooms with homemade sauce, onions grilled in foil and picked out our garden tomatoes off their salads. I even made homemade blue cheese dressing and they wanted store bought vinaigrette. I was dumbfounded but after I got over it realized they really don't appreciate food. Its their loss the way I figure it and probably won't cook anything special if I have them back. One of them didn't even like the homemade garlic bread. At least they both ate the steak I grilled.
The guy never said anything about the food and his wife said thanks when she finished eating. Never offered to help clean up or take food out to the table. I was brought up in a big family where everyone helps with dinners. Either cook something very easy the next time you have them over or don't invite them back. It is really gratifying to have "foodies" over for dinner though so I try to stick to those that appreciate it, because I always go way overboard when cooking for guests.-COLLAPSE
In some cultures, showing gratitude for a meal is impolite. I'm not saying that is the case here, but it's important to note that the author is giving clear-cut rules that doesn't cover every social situation.
Think about it this way: when you first meet someone, you tend to be polite, e.g., formal speech, no cussing, "thank you," "please," etc. But once you befriend someone, e.g., old college...+READ
In some cultures, showing gratitude for a meal is impolite. I'm not saying that is the case here, but it's important to note that the author is giving clear-cut rules that doesn't cover every social situation.
Think about it this way: when you first meet someone, you tend to be polite, e.g., formal speech, no cussing, "thank you," "please," etc. But once you befriend someone, e.g., old college friend, things are less formal. The author gives rules in a formal setting, which doesn't seem to fit with the situation described by "Mexican Dinner."
Regarding the cultural aspect, when you share a meal with someone, you're treating them as a member of the family. Do you send your mother a card everytime you eat at her table? Does a friend (assuming here mother > friend) deserve more gratitude?
In my opinion, cooking is about giving, not receiving. When I'm cooking for someone else, I want them to enjoy the meal, but I don't expect anything in return. If you really want something in return, go open a restaurant.-COLLAPSE
Yes, the guests were rude. No, I wouldn't invite them back. But what I find really remarkable is that this columnist felt it necessary to dig up some authoritative twit who wrote an entire book of instructions on how to pay someone a complement.
I agree with Marcelo above. It's important that people show their gratefulness but people express themselves in different ways. If they cleaned off their plate, nodded their heads as they took their first bite, or even had a look of pleasant surprise in their eyes as they first tasted their meal, those are definitely compliments and I would absolutely take it that way. Some people just aren't as...+READ
I agree with Marcelo above. It's important that people show their gratefulness but people express themselves in different ways. If they cleaned off their plate, nodded their heads as they took their first bite, or even had a look of pleasant surprise in their eyes as they first tasted their meal, those are definitely compliments and I would absolutely take it that way. Some people just aren't as good at describing how much they appreciate what they're given so instead of saying an outright "Thank-you," they'll give you another signal. You just have to be open enough to read it when it comes. Of course, if they're rude in other ways throughout the evening, then I may be inclined to never invite them again, but never for just an inability to express themselves.-COLLAPSE
Guests who do not genuinely thank their hosts are rude, plain and simple. I always send a note to let our hosts know we appreciate what they did -- which was to go out of their way for us. That is not too much, nor is it too much for a host to expect SOME acknowledgment -- if even just a quick call or e-mail. I agree, many people just have a sense of entitlement -- or their mamas didn't raise...+READ
Guests who do not genuinely thank their hosts are rude, plain and simple. I always send a note to let our hosts know we appreciate what they did -- which was to go out of their way for us. That is not too much, nor is it too much for a host to expect SOME acknowledgment -- if even just a quick call or e-mail. I agree, many people just have a sense of entitlement -- or their mamas didn't raise (rear, for you humorless geeks) them right! Have some manners, folks. Stop making excuses for people who don't consider others' feelings and efforts.-COLLAPSE
Even if I am not too crazy about what is being served I recognize the amount of work it takes to invite people over, clean up the house, and cook them dinner. This was not a meal of nuggets and tator tots, so I would have said, during the course of the meal, "How lovely everything is. I appreciate you inviting us." Then you have made a compliment even if you didn't like the food. If you liked the...+READ
Even if I am not too crazy about what is being served I recognize the amount of work it takes to invite people over, clean up the house, and cook them dinner. This was not a meal of nuggets and tator tots, so I would have said, during the course of the meal, "How lovely everything is. I appreciate you inviting us." Then you have made a compliment even if you didn't like the food. If you liked the food, you should compliment it immediately. I think they were behaving in an ungrateful manner, and I wouldn't invite them back.-COLLAPSE
It might not have been about the dinner..."old" friends can grow apart, and perhaps the dinner conversation made them uncomfortable, or they've just realized mid-entree that you have NOTHING in common anymore. Or, they're just not effusive, appreciative folks. If you didn't enjoy their company, 'nuff said. Don't do it again. If you did enjoy their company, quit feeling under-thanked; they said...+READ
It might not have been about the dinner..."old" friends can grow apart, and perhaps the dinner conversation made them uncomfortable, or they've just realized mid-entree that you have NOTHING in common anymore. Or, they're just not effusive, appreciative folks. If you didn't enjoy their company, 'nuff said. Don't do it again. If you did enjoy their company, quit feeling under-thanked; they said it, didn't they? You made dinner for them because you WANTED to, nobody forced you. So don't expect them to fall all over themselves on your behalf.-COLLAPSE
We use to invite friends for dinner often. I'm very proud of my amateur chef skills and I use to put a lot of effort and care in every menu, always combined with good wines. We learned that there are many ways of noticing if the guest are enjoying. Clean plates, compliments, happy faces and the greates of all, raids to the kitchen for more (we keep it very informal). I admit that this kind of...+READ
We use to invite friends for dinner often. I'm very proud of my amateur chef skills and I use to put a lot of effort and care in every menu, always combined with good wines. We learned that there are many ways of noticing if the guest are enjoying. Clean plates, compliments, happy faces and the greates of all, raids to the kitchen for more (we keep it very informal). I admit that this kind of recognition is extremely fullfiling.
We also learn that we have some friends that don't care much for a gourmet dinner, so when we want to meet them, we use to invite for pizza or something more suitable.
After all, we don't expect everybody to like the same things we do.-COLLAPSE
I wouldn't invite such non-appreciative guests back either. pathgeek has the right idea.
I love it when people appreciate my cooking. It's gratifying.
I *always* say something warm and affirmative right at the beginning of the meal -- such as, "mmm - this is delicious", then again halfway through -- such as, "this really is so good," and definitely also thank the host at the end of the...+READ
I wouldn't invite such non-appreciative guests back either. pathgeek has the right idea.
I love it when people appreciate my cooking. It's gratifying.
I *always* say something warm and affirmative right at the beginning of the meal -- such as, "mmm - this is delicious", then again halfway through -- such as, "this really is so good," and definitely also thank the host at the end of the meal, and also when departing.
You just cannot be too appreciative of all that effort.
I have only had one poor meal at a friend's place (she severly overcooked the chicken) but there were plenty of other things to warmly comment on.
Then again, I also send a thank you card after a big party or a dinner party at a friend's home. I entertain a lot and I know how much planning, preparation, time, effort and money it involves. I occassionally get thank you cards, too. But I don't depend on them.
Bottom line -- I entertain because I want to. Appreciative guests get invited again, especially those with grace enough to reciprocate.-COLLAPSE
sadly, some folks are raised to consider any discussion of food as impolite - as in "babette's feast" - but they may still be considered rude for not acknowledging the invitation to your house and their pleasure at your company in the form of a note or, minimally, a phone call. even if a meal less than gourmet and the evening borders on unpleasant, one should perform one's social duty and thank...+READ
sadly, some folks are raised to consider any discussion of food as impolite - as in "babette's feast" - but they may still be considered rude for not acknowledging the invitation to your house and their pleasure at your company in the form of a note or, minimally, a phone call. even if a meal less than gourmet and the evening borders on unpleasant, one should perform one's social duty and thank the provider-COLLAPSE
My understanding of the phenomenon: I think people are used to being served and not saying thank you. They routinely go out to eat and think nothing of having elaborate multicourse meals which required hours to prepare-- meals often eaten almost as if it were fast food. They leave a tip and walk away. Many of my guests would be incapable of boiling water if the microwave were unplugged.
Having...+READ
My understanding of the phenomenon: I think people are used to being served and not saying thank you. They routinely go out to eat and think nothing of having elaborate multicourse meals which required hours to prepare-- meals often eaten almost as if it were fast food. They leave a tip and walk away. Many of my guests would be incapable of boiling water if the microwave were unplugged.
Having everything available all the time without any real need to plan or invest (time/training/substantial $) has raised peoples expectations while lowering their sense of gratification.....and essentially zero-ing out the appreciation.
Having said that.... I think not showing appreciation is rude. [Just because I can't play the piano doesn't mean I don't appreciate the effort when I hear someone play well.] Not only do non-cooks not thank the effort, but they rarely invite back on an equal field (I cook, I pay, we go out to eat, I pay).
This was a source of frustration until I came to the following resolution: I only invite "people who cook" (foodies) for dinners I've prepared. I make plans to eat out with people who can't. It doesn't change the phenomenon but it sure keeps my gaskets from blowing.-COLLAPSE
Boo said it...move on and stop whining about your "impolite" guests.
I put a _lot_ of effort into my dinner parties, but when it comes down to it I'm doing it because I enjoy it. Yes, people should say thank you, because it's the polite thing to do, but it's not a big deal to me if they forget.
Now the dinners I cook day in day out because the family has to eat... _those_ are the ones I want to be thanked for.
I am curious, what if they did not like the meal? But, they finished their plate because they were being nice. Or they were hungry. I am not saying that this is the case, but, what if.
How complimentary should they be?
Ian Lewis
I don't believe that rude manners should be ignored. Saying a sincere thank you is the very EASIEST of all proper etiquette. It's even an easy way to wrap things up and say goodbye, "Thank you so much for making us this wonderful dinner. It was better than any restaurant we could've gone to..." -Even if you somehow forget to not send a thank you note/e-mail, there is absolutely zero excuse for...+READ
I don't believe that rude manners should be ignored. Saying a sincere thank you is the very EASIEST of all proper etiquette. It's even an easy way to wrap things up and say goodbye, "Thank you so much for making us this wonderful dinner. It was better than any restaurant we could've gone to..." -Even if you somehow forget to not send a thank you note/e-mail, there is absolutely zero excuse for not saying a proper thank you in person at the time.
I wouldn't invite the people back either. When people can't be bothered to express their gratitude to you, I don't think you should be bothered spending so much time/effort/money on cooking for them. Spend it on someone who will appreciate and reciprocate.-COLLAPSE
oh please . . how passive aggressive. They said, "Thanks."