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Dear Helena,
I went to a dinner party last weekend, where the dessert was chocolate cake. The woman sitting next to me declined. “I’ll just have a bite of his,” she said. Turning to me, she asked: “Is that OK?” Then, without waiting for an answer, she grabbed my fork and stuffed some in her mouth. I thought it would be rude to ask for a clean fork, so I ate the cake (but did not enjoy it). If someone uses your fork, or drinks from your glass, is it wrong to get a new one? And is there a polite way to stop him or her from snatching your cutlery in the first place? —Fastidious
Dear Fastidious,
You are wise to be protective of your cutlery. Someone else’s saliva could give you a cold, or even a stomach bug. “There are over a million bacteria in every milliliter of saliva,” says Dr. Max Goodson, director of clinical research at the Forsyth Institute, a research group specializing in oral health. According to him, no one has written a paper on whether a shared fork could be a disease vector. Nonetheless, not sharing cutlery is “common sense and good hygiene.” In fact, he warns: “In this day and age, you can’t be too careful. E. coli has been found in the oral cavity.”
When someone else uses your cutlery or sips from your glass, it’s like kissing you without permission.
Fortunately, it’s quite easy to protect your utensils and your wineglass. Simply say you’re coming down with a cold. Don’t say you have a cold, because then people might wonder why you have such a hearty appetite.
And what if someone uses your cutlery or swigs from your glass without your consent? Then you cannot ask for a new fork or glass, any more than you could ask for an alcohol wipe after shaking hands with somebody. It is rude to imply that he or she is swarming with germs (however true this may be).
If it’s your wineglass that’s been used, observe where he or she put his or her lips and find a clean place on the rim to drink from. If it’s your cutlery that was borrowed, you have another option. Wait a moment after getting your tainted fork back, then knock it onto the ground, announcing: “Oops, I’ll have to get another one.” If you’re not up for this maneuver, you’ll have to use the only utensils no one else can borrow—your fingers.
Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena. Read more Table Manners.
It's not just the fork! What's wrong with people who just say "Oh I'll take this thing that belongs to you" instead of ASKING "can I have some of yours"? Yes the fork is an issue but the woman's rudeness is what shocks me. Anyhow, I would have asked for another fork and piece of cake, so would a lot of people. I also would have sat someplace else. Someone using your cutlery or glass WITHOUT...+READ
It's not just the fork! What's wrong with people who just say "Oh I'll take this thing that belongs to you" instead of ASKING "can I have some of yours"? Yes the fork is an issue but the woman's rudeness is what shocks me. Anyhow, I would have asked for another fork and piece of cake, so would a lot of people. I also would have sat someplace else. Someone using your cutlery or glass WITHOUT CONSENT is NOT the same as someone shaking your hand, because you consented to shake hands. (If you don't want to shake someone's hand find an excuse not to.) If someone ran up to me on the street, grabbed my hand, and shook it, I'd be within my right to whip out the hand sanitizer. And I wouldn't care if they were "offended"!-COLLAPSE
Oh, heck to the no. I'd give her my patented stare. The expressionless dead fish eye look.
yuck! I have a pinch of OCD and I disinfect after myself, when no one else is sure to use my utensils - how much more for a friend -- hold on, you didn't even say friend, you said "the woman sitting next to me" - double yuck! I'll nicely ask for another fork and give her that look of shame and then proceed to cut away her section that she's eaten from, supposing the cooties jumped to where she...+READ
yuck! I have a pinch of OCD and I disinfect after myself, when no one else is sure to use my utensils - how much more for a friend -- hold on, you didn't even say friend, you said "the woman sitting next to me" - double yuck! I'll nicely ask for another fork and give her that look of shame and then proceed to cut away her section that she's eaten from, supposing the cooties jumped to where she broke it off. People, they just assume you want their herpes simplex 3 or is it 6, but you really don't, you just want to eat your chocolate cake in peace :)-COLLAPSE
I can't imagine anyone I know doing something like this. "Fastidious" needs to start haning out with a better class of people!
Why do you people dine with these incredibly rude people?
I wouldn't touch the cake and tell her she can have it. Gross!
I have left food and drink that I really wanted uneaten and undrunk ( is this a word?) for this very reason. Not because I'm a germophobe, but just because I find the thought of eating and drinking after others disagreeable. Sometimes when you take a drink of something there's a backwash, and I have no desire to drink something that contains another person's saliva. As to forks or other utensils,...+READ
I have left food and drink that I really wanted uneaten and undrunk ( is this a word?) for this very reason. Not because I'm a germophobe, but just because I find the thought of eating and drinking after others disagreeable. Sometimes when you take a drink of something there's a backwash, and I have no desire to drink something that contains another person's saliva. As to forks or other utensils, if you eat after another person, you may as well be sticking your tongue inside that person's mouth.-COLLAPSE
I would "accidentally" stab her in the eye with my fork so I could ask for another.
While I agree that many people are FAR too germophobic these days- how to heck do you expect to build up your disease immunity, anyway?- and self-righteously militant about it to boot, anybody who'd refuse a dessert and then take a stranger's fork and help themselves to something they'd declined for themselves is not only horribly rude, but they're probably generally lacking in social graces. I'd...+READ
While I agree that many people are FAR too germophobic these days- how to heck do you expect to build up your disease immunity, anyway?- and self-righteously militant about it to boot, anybody who'd refuse a dessert and then take a stranger's fork and help themselves to something they'd declined for themselves is not only horribly rude, but they're probably generally lacking in social graces. I'd want to smack them, just for being stupid AND tacky AND greedy AND presumptuous.
Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, had a good solution for that kind of behavior. She recomended that the dish's owner quickly hand over both fork and dish and say "Please, take mine, I'll just get another." If that doesn't get your point(s) across, you're in for a rough ride with this person, I expect.-COLLAPSE
I am completely sympathetic to Fastidious -- and I can't believe Helena's advice is to pretend you're ok with it! It's not just rude because of the germs, it's rude because the other diner was crossing Fastidious's personal boundaries. I would just get up and get myself another fork. If asked, I would let the other person know I was uncomfortable with sharing a fork with her.
Unless I was trying...+READ
I am completely sympathetic to Fastidious -- and I can't believe Helena's advice is to pretend you're ok with it! It's not just rude because of the germs, it's rude because the other diner was crossing Fastidious's personal boundaries. I would just get up and get myself another fork. If asked, I would let the other person know I was uncomfortable with sharing a fork with her.
Unless I was trying to flirt back ;)-COLLAPSE
I would "accidentally" drop my fork on the ground so I could ask for another.
Shocking! I think that person was definitely rude, flirting or not, and it sounds like you are too nice of a person to say something (like me). I seriously doubt that you will encounter this type of behavior again from an adult at another dinner party, Fastidious --- but if you do, then I suggest you check out some self-help books on how to be more assertive and stick up for yourself next time....+READ
Shocking! I think that person was definitely rude, flirting or not, and it sounds like you are too nice of a person to say something (like me). I seriously doubt that you will encounter this type of behavior again from an adult at another dinner party, Fastidious --- but if you do, then I suggest you check out some self-help books on how to be more assertive and stick up for yourself next time. :-)-COLLAPSE
"I'll just have a bite of his." um. No.... I have to know the person first!
If it's a friend I don't care we always eat off of each other's plates. But I don't think I could handle it if I didn't know them. Stupid I know. For an unknown reason familar germs are ok with me, and some of my friends would indeed use my fork before getting my permission.
I don't understand what's wrong with telling the truth -- just be nice about it. You can say, "oh, that cake does look delicious. i'm going to get another fork because I don't like to share my fork."
I second the suggestion of "accidentally" dropping the fork on the ground and asking for a new one.
Next time carry your own cutlery.
I have to disagree with Helena about not asking for another fork or glass. I certainly would, and so what if the person is offended. They did a rather offensive thing by helping themself to my food or drink and I wouldn't want to take any chances at getting their germs. To compliantly go along with it just increases the odds that person will continue the bad manners.
I think as I age I become a bigger germ-o-phobe than I used to be. ICK! Didn't her mama teach her better than that?
and periodontal gum disease. Just think that if you share a utensil with some who has gingivitis, the plaque in their mouth can be spread to your's. Children first get innoculated with bacteria that causes cavities from their mother by sharing food. I share utensils with my husband because I know that he brushes and flosses.
Yes, it was beyond rude.
Besides cold and flu bugs, you have no idea whether she has dental caries, which is an infectious, communicable disease. Yech.
*snort* She probably WAS trying to flirt.
Of course, if you really are very saliva-sensitive, you can easily say, "Here, take my fork. I'll find another one." You might get asked if you're afraid of cooties, and you might have to endure a couple rounds of questions or jokes, but people around you will slowly learn and might even stick up for you the next time a stranger wants to share you...+READ
*snort* She probably WAS trying to flirt.
Of course, if you really are very saliva-sensitive, you can easily say, "Here, take my fork. I'll find another one." You might get asked if you're afraid of cooties, and you might have to endure a couple rounds of questions or jokes, but people around you will slowly learn and might even stick up for you the next time a stranger wants to share you utensils.-COLLAPSE
Or she was hitting on you. Sort of an odd way, but there it is.
It certainly is not rude to resist sharing your fork... or anything else that goes in any bodily cavity. That prerogative is yours and yours alone.
Pointedly leaving the cake would have been both ungracious and punished the victimmore than the offender, but imo? Worth it.
And the neighboring dinner party guest? Probably drunk. Try not to get seated next to her again.