But, Mom …

Published on Friday, April 27, 2007, by Helena Echlin / Edit Post

Dear Helena,
I want to take my mom out to eat on Mother’s Day, but I’m not looking forward to it because of the food I’ll probably have to eat. When she comes to town, she always wants to go to a chain, like Applebee’s. This is in part because she worries about money. Believe me, money—at least money for a nice dinner—is not that big an issue. I’d like to take her someplace nice and more interesting. What’s the best way to persuade her? I don’t want her to fret the entire time about how much we’re spending. Or should I just let her decide because she’s my mom?
—Sick of Applebee’s

Dear Sick of Applebee’s,
You don’t have to just let your mom go where she always seems to want to go. For one thing, she may simply be choosing somewhere familiar, rather than a place that she really likes. If you can persuade her to go somewhere else, she may love it, and that may actually become your new familiar destination.

As for the cost, your mom might claim she doesn’t want you to spend your money, but in fact, as Mary Marcdante, author of My Mother, My Friend, points out: “She may like to play the martyr and really does want to indulge for a night.” So feel free to veto Applebee’s. Now all you have to do is get Mom to venture beyond her restaurant comfort zone. Here’s how.

A few days in advance, initiate a casual conversation about restaurants. Find out what your mom values about Applebee’s and why she shrinks from other restaurants. “It might be fear of the cost, fear of being shown up and not knowing what to order, or fear she won’t fit in,” says Marcdante, who advises: “Mirror her opinions, or restate them back to her.” For instance, you might say: “You think Chinese restaurants are unsanitary.” This shows Mom that you’re listening and softens her up for later.

Now use what you’ve learned to choose a restaurant that satisfies her fundamental values. You can shift some of the other variables. If her priority is thriftiness, you could take her somewhere that is economical but has interesting food—like an inexpensive Indian restaurant. If what she really wants is down-home cooking, then try taking her somewhere that offers a more upscale version of the comfort food she’s used to—fried chicken and mac ’n’ cheese, but with good-quality, fresh ingredients.

Stacy∗, a graphic designer who lives in Los Angeles, says her mom, who lives in Gary, Indiana, refuses to go anywhere other than Olive Garden: “Her fear of indigestion outweighs any desire to expand her palate.” Therefore, Stacy says, her answer is to take her mom out to brunch rather than dinner. “They don’t have anything really weird at brunch. If I took her to a nice, high-end place, she would be charmed as long as she had her Prilosec.”

And if your mom is reticent about spending your money, you might be able to use her selfless instincts to your advantage. Dr. John Townsend, coauthor of The Mom Factor, says, “Mothers love it when you tell them they’re making a sacrifice for you.” Try saying: “If you’d allow me to treat you to a really nice meal, you’d be doing me a huge favor.” That way, your mom will feel like she’s the one spoiling you.

You might also try some subtle mind games. Marcdante’s trick is to substitute and for but. You might say: “I know you like Applebee’s and I want to treat you to somewhere extra-nice.” Marcdante explains: “If you use the word but, it disqualifies what your mother is saying and triggers resentment.” By contrast, the word and makes it seem like you’re offering two equal alternatives. Your mom will feel like she’s getting a choice, even though really you’re telling her what to do.

But in the end, if you feel like your mom really just wants to go to Applebee’s, then for God’s sake, go to Applebee’s. It’s Mother’s Day.

*Names and identifying details have been changed.

CHOW’s Table Manners column appears every Wednesday. Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena. You can also follow her on Twitter and fan her Table Manners column on Facebook.

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POST A COMMENT |22 Comments

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  • The Chinese story is amusing, and might apply here, but until the OP knows for sure the motivation behind her mom's desire to go to Applebee's, I think she should play it safe for that one special day and take her mother at her word and go where she says she wants to go.

    And then, like Tonyette says, at other times during the year, take Mom to restaurants that are "nicer and more interesting."...+READ

    The Chinese story is amusing, and might apply here, but until the OP knows for sure the motivation behind her mom's desire to go to Applebee's, I think she should play it safe for that one special day and take her mother at her word and go where she says she wants to go.

    And then, like Tonyette says, at other times during the year, take Mom to restaurants that are "nicer and more interesting."

    Visiting several restaurants over time, if indeed Mom is just saying "Applebee's" because she believes that to be the easiest and least-expensive choice, it will become apparent.

    However, the OP should be prepared to hear Mom say something like, "This is good, but I like Applebee's ribs and baked apples better."

    And, if that's the case, the OP should remember that nobody likes being "schooled" and try really hard not to do that to her mother.-COLLAPSE

  • This reminds me of the old Chinese story about the mom of a poor family eating fish heads herself while saving the rest, good part of the fish for the kids. Years later, when the kids are grown up, they take Mom to the best restaurant in town to thank her, and they order fish heads for her. Mom cries. The kids say, 'But we thought you like fish heads...'

  • Hey, do it Mom's way....after all, it's Mother's Day!

  • My mom and I have been going to the same restaurant for the last 8 years... are there other places? Sure! But you know what I will take her anywhere she wants to go...

    But on another note, maybe you could take your mom to another restaurant on another day... someplace you like and you think she will like, that way you might find a new place next year!

  • "I don't want to take my mother out for Mother's Day to the place where she wants to go 'BECAUSE OF THE FOOD I'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO EAT.'"

    "'I'd like to take her someplace nice and more interesting' TO ME."

    "How can I force or manipulate her into going where I want?"

    Wow.

    At least you're honest.

  • Sure, go ahead and take her to whatever restaurant YOU want. Just make sure she gets to pick where you eat on YOUR BIRTHDAY. Sounds like a good compromise to me.....

  • My mother has a tendancy to play the martyr, and Groupon has been a great way to deal with it on at least a couple of occasions. That probably wouldn't work on Mother's Day itself (with the usual holiday restrictions), but it can be kept in mind for future visits. Another option might be to purchase a a gift certificate for a particular restaurant and say (or imply if you don't want to engage in...+READ

    My mother has a tendancy to play the martyr, and Groupon has been a great way to deal with it on at least a couple of occasions. That probably wouldn't work on Mother's Day itself (with the usual holiday restrictions), but it can be kept in mind for future visits. Another option might be to purchase a a gift certificate for a particular restaurant and say (or imply if you don't want to engage in flat-out deception) that it was from somebody else and should be utilized.

    Of course, those options only work if you feel confident she'll enjoy the restaurant in question: presumably you have some sense of what your mother will enjoy. As Helena said, if she truly wants Applebee's, suck it up and go.-COLLAPSE

  • Agree with AverageJo, it's the biggest family dining out day of the year. If you can't cook and/or your mom doesn't want her kitchen messed up, you could consider a cook out or take out. People still cook, right? :)

  • It's Mother's Day, not Adult Children's Day. Let her pick and put your snobby foodie away for just one day.

  • I'm surprised nobody's pointed out that Mother's Day is second only to Valentine's Day for being the busiest, most stressful day to go out to eat. I'm making my mom a nice breakfast/brunch at home so we can avoid the crowds and hurried service.

  • Yeah, Mom comes first on Mothers day. But what this quesiton is suggesting is that Mom is too worried about price and not wanting to put anyone out. Mom might even prefer to go somewhere nicer, but just needs to be conviced that it's not a hassle or too extravagant. So probe a bit, suggest somewhere nice that everyone enjoys, and see if she continues to resist. Maybe she DOES love Applebees, and...+READ

    Yeah, Mom comes first on Mothers day. But what this quesiton is suggesting is that Mom is too worried about price and not wanting to put anyone out. Mom might even prefer to go somewhere nicer, but just needs to be conviced that it's not a hassle or too extravagant. So probe a bit, suggest somewhere nice that everyone enjoys, and see if she continues to resist. Maybe she DOES love Applebees, and maybe she doesn't. No one is saying put up a stink and refuse to go. Actually the article says to go with the flow at the end. Geez.-COLLAPSE

  • "but Mom,I know its Mother's Day,which is supposed to be for you, but shouldn't it be about ME, ME, ME and what I want???" this is the dumbest, most self absorbed posting I have seen.

  • Yep, 'cause If I went where my son wanted to eat, we'd be dining at Chuck E. Cheese. At any age, no matter what if you are treating a person to dinner as a special gift it goes without saying that they get to pick the place, within reason. It you'd like to suggest a retaurant that offers a comparable version of what she always gets at Applebee's, then that's fine, but be prepared to lovingly and...+READ

    Yep, 'cause If I went where my son wanted to eat, we'd be dining at Chuck E. Cheese. At any age, no matter what if you are treating a person to dinner as a special gift it goes without saying that they get to pick the place, within reason. It you'd like to suggest a retaurant that offers a comparable version of what she always gets at Applebee's, then that's fine, but be prepared to lovingly and graciously go to the Bee if that's where mom want's to go. My Mom always want's to go to Luby's because they always always have her favorite liver and onions cooked just how she likes them. So, to Luby's we go. I can manage for one meal.-COLLAPSE

  • "There's this restaurant that I've been dying to try and/or have a gift certificate for. Please do me a favor by going there with me on your special day."

    What?

    If you're going to take Mom out for Mother's Day, or Dad out for Father's Day, how about you do them a favor and not be passive-aggressive about it. Part of giving someone a gift is not stipulating what they do with that gift.

    Ask...+READ

    "There's this restaurant that I've been dying to try and/or have a gift certificate for. Please do me a favor by going there with me on your special day."

    What?

    If you're going to take Mom out for Mother's Day, or Dad out for Father's Day, how about you do them a favor and not be passive-aggressive about it. Part of giving someone a gift is not stipulating what they do with that gift.

    Ask her if she wants to go someplace else, or if she will let you treat her; but don't insist, don't resort to manipulation and mind games, and don't be such a snob.-COLLAPSE

  • As a mom myself, I would be completely rotted if on Mother's day my son insisted on going where he wanted to eat instead of where I wanted to go. It's MOTHER'S DAY, for God's sake. If I decide I want Hotcakes and Sausage than we had better be off to McDonald's.

  • What kind of spoiled brat writes an article about how to get your own way on Mother's Day?
    I dislike to see people insist on having their own way as they're noisily doing something for 'someone else'. Re: those suggestions in the article; Is your mother a little slow minded that you are going to manipulate her with language tricks? Do you really want to flatter and lie in order to get your own...+READ

    What kind of spoiled brat writes an article about how to get your own way on Mother's Day?
    I dislike to see people insist on having their own way as they're noisily doing something for 'someone else'. Re: those suggestions in the article; Is your mother a little slow minded that you are going to manipulate her with language tricks? Do you really want to flatter and lie in order to get your own way with your Mother on Mothers Day? Is it so terrible that she feels comfortable, not you? Maybe if she'd said NO a little more when you were a kid she'd have an adult child who was mature enough to sacrifice their own wishes for hers now. Oh well.
    God help her when you get Power of Attorney!-COLLAPSE

  • Other than the "you'd be going me a huge favor" bit (which feels condescending), methinks this is great advice. I've found I can get my Carrows-and-such-coffee-shop-loving dad to try all kinds of cuisine by saying how much I love it for such and such reason, and he always likes it once he's tried it. And I also agree with not pressing for our desires for celebrations for your parents. It's about...+READ

    Other than the "you'd be going me a huge favor" bit (which feels condescending), methinks this is great advice. I've found I can get my Carrows-and-such-coffee-shop-loving dad to try all kinds of cuisine by saying how much I love it for such and such reason, and he always likes it once he's tried it. And I also agree with not pressing for our desires for celebrations for your parents. It's about them and what makes them happy, as we would want a celebration for ourselves.-COLLAPSE

  • What petty problems you have. Suggest something nicer but it is her day, take her where she is happy even if you have to choke down one more grilled chicken caesar salad.

  • How about..."Mom, it's a special day, let's do something different. We can go to Appelbee's next time."

  • What ever happened to the "blind" menu?

  • Wow, Tshoward, I like your idea... whenever I've bought someone (Mom or otherwise) dinner or something that's more expensive than they might be otherwise comfortable with, I just start with "there's this place I've been dying to try, do you mind?" Most people let you do things for them if you make it sound like it's for you :)

  • A friend of mine gave me a great suggestion a couple of years ago to help avoid eating out with parents who may be worried about how much someplace costs.
    Pick the place you want to go to a few days before, then go there and ask to buy a gift certificate. This way you can creat a little white lie about wanting to go there becuase you have a gift certificate. Your parents won't know you bought...+READ

    A friend of mine gave me a great suggestion a couple of years ago to help avoid eating out with parents who may be worried about how much someplace costs.
    Pick the place you want to go to a few days before, then go there and ask to buy a gift certificate. This way you can creat a little white lie about wanting to go there becuase you have a gift certificate. Your parents won't know you bought it, and they'll think any extra above the gift certificate is no big deal since part of the meal is "free."-COLLAPSE