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Dear Helena,
I’m going to a friend’s annual holiday party this weekend. Every year, I get stuck in the corner talking to my friend’s cousin, a crashing bore. Listening to him makes my brain shut down. If you want to escape a tedious conversation, what is the most graceful way to do so?—Cornered
Dear Cornered,
It’s been said that everyone is interesting if you know how to ask the right questions. In my view, everyone is interesting for ten minutes. After that, sometimes you need an exit strategy. Try one of the following:
1. Fib: Explain that you need to refresh your martini or locate the bathroom. Stephen Elliott, a San Francisco writer and habitué of book and cocktail parties, recommends offering to get your companion a beverage, too, as a consolation prize for your departure. “Ninety percent of the time, they don’t want a drink. If they do, hold it out to them at arm’s length and quickly move on.” Or borrow the smokers’ excuse: “I need to pop outside for a cigarette.” You don’t have to smoke it.
2. Mirror: If the bore drones on about something only he is interested in, embark on a monologue of your own: “It’s so fascinating to hear about your Ayurvedic diet. Let me tell you about my gym routine.” If the bore is dull because he’s tongue-tied, let an awkward silence fall. Either way, eventually you’ll out-bore the bore, and he’ll think moving on was his own idea.
3. Match-make: When you put two bores together, you neutralize them, saving not only yourself but all the other guests from their company. So if there’s another bore nearby, beckon him over and say, “I want you to meet each other.” Then share a piece of information about each person, preferably flattering: “Sue is an authority on Javanese gamelan. Gareth is a skilled accordionist.” That way, you’ve jump-started the conversation, which will distract them as you make your getaway.
4. Pass: Buttonhole a friend, introduce the bore, then sidle off. This is not a very nice thing to do to someone you care about. But why should you baby-sit for the entire party? It’s time for someone else to take a turn.
Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena. Read more Table Manners.
Seriously, whatabunch of jaded peeps. Talk about micromanagement. If you know someone who is that crushingly socially embarrassing, don't invite them. Otherwise, have some compassion and let others take responsibility for their social exchanges. Sometimes the person you think won't be well received is found to be quite endearing.
Suggestion #2 is a good one, except for the fact that the bore's monologue can be so stupefying that my inspiration is rendered null and void.
A puckish friend told me some guaranteed "conversation-killers" to use just before "stepping away temporarily to get a drink." They weren't at all nice, but they guaranteed that the bore would vanish before your return:
"I've just had a life-changing religious experience, and I'd love to tell you all about it, let me get another drink and I'll be right back."
"I sell a line of home-kitchen...+READ
A puckish friend told me some guaranteed "conversation-killers" to use just before "stepping away temporarily to get a drink." They weren't at all nice, but they guaranteed that the bore would vanish before your return:
"I've just had a life-changing religious experience, and I'd love to tell you all about it, let me get another drink and I'll be right back."
"I sell a line of home-kitchen plasticware that you might find really useful - perhaps you'd care to host one of our parties. Let me get a catalog and I'll show you how it works."
The rest I can't share - they'd get my comment deleted.-COLLAPSE
Part of the host's or hostess's job is to make sure that something like this does not happen. In this case, for example, the hostess should take Cornered by the arm while saying, "Forgive me, Mr Friend's Cousin, but I simply must borrow Mr Cornered for a few moments. Some of my friends are dying to meet him."
If you are male, and you see this happening to a female victim, invite the loser outside for "a cigar." If he is a real loser, offer him the worst smoke you have.
When he begins coughing and hacking, make your own escape.
Hopefully by then, his victim will be otherwise engaged in conversation with somebody more interesting.