You’d Better Be Anorexic

Published on Tuesday, October 31, 2006, by Helena Echlin / Edit Post

Dear Helena,

My mother-in-law eats very slowly. She says she is practicing “mindful eating.” When we have cleaned our plates and even had seconds, she is still taking tiny mouselike nibbles. In my view, this is not mindful eating, this is a power trip. Is it rude to dawdle over your dinner? -Annoyed Son-in-Law

Dear Annoyed Son-in-Law,

For Zen Buddhists, mindful eating can be a form of meditation. (Plus, it can make you appreciate your food more.) But in America, this spiritual exercise has evolved into a dieting strategy. The CAMP System mindful-eating website offers tutorials in eating slowly to lose weight. One tutorial, “The Mindful Doughnut,” suggests that you cut a doughnut into 16 pieces with a knife and fork, and then meditate on a different aspect of the doughnut during each bite. During bite 15, for example, “Consider the sacrifice of animals that died during the harvest of the wheat for your doughnut.”

Dieters and Zen Buddhists aren’t the only ones who believe in slow eating. Practitioners of Ayurveda, the traditional Indian medicine, recommend eating no more than could fit in a bowl made by your cupped hands, and chewing thoroughly to optimize digestion. Wynn Werner of the Ayurvedic Institute in Albuquerque, New Mexico, explains: “Since 108 is a sacred number in Ayurvedic teachings, some recommend chewing every bite 108 times.”

This isn’t as weird as you might think. Enzymes in saliva do help break down food so that it is digested more easily and fully. And eating slowly makes you likely to eat less.

However, dining with other people is not the time to count 108 chews. Sure, you should appreciate your food. But your companions deserve your attention, too. Plus, eating together is a powerful bonding ritual, and part of that ritual is eating the same food—at the same time. Whether your mother-in-law is doing it wittingly or not, disrupting that ritual is rude.

There are two exceptions to this rule: the anorexic and the very old. The old can hardly help their slow eating (especially if they have no teeth). And slow eating can be a symptom of anorexia. Is your mother-in-law looking gaunt? Even if she looks normal, she could have an eating disorder in its early stages. Have you noticed other strange eating rituals? Does she exercise compulsively? If this is the case, the problem could be a medical condition, not a lack of manners.

But assuming your mother-in-law is hale and hearty, you risk offending her—as well as looking petty and insecure—if you tell her straight out that her slow eating makes you uncomfortable. Unfortunately, you’re just going to have to sit and wait.

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POST A COMMENT |17 Comments

COMMENT

  • My Mother-in-Law is the world's slowest eater too. Why does everyone's Mother-in-Law have the same annoying habit? She is Chinese and loves to take us out to Chinese buffet-style dinners. We consciously eat slowly, but we always end up glaring at her for a good 45 minutes after we eat seconds and then save the last bite for 15 minutes and then pick at jello squares while sighing. We wanted to...+READ

    My Mother-in-Law is the world's slowest eater too. Why does everyone's Mother-in-Law have the same annoying habit? She is Chinese and loves to take us out to Chinese buffet-style dinners. We consciously eat slowly, but we always end up glaring at her for a good 45 minutes after we eat seconds and then save the last bite for 15 minutes and then pick at jello squares while sighing. We wanted to spend some quality time with her, but she is killing us! We end up resenting the dinners that could be nice. Then she always reminds us not to tip 15% because buffets don't have traditional servers. Blah!-COLLAPSE

  • The mother-in-law in this case is taking slow eating to an extreme. Many people have commented that their slow eating stems from a desire to enjoy conversation and practice proper manners. Both of these are valid and good reasons to enjoy one's meal at a patient speed. However in this case the entire family is done with seconds and she still hasn't finished her food. This isn't the case of one...+READ

    The mother-in-law in this case is taking slow eating to an extreme. Many people have commented that their slow eating stems from a desire to enjoy conversation and practice proper manners. Both of these are valid and good reasons to enjoy one's meal at a patient speed. However in this case the entire family is done with seconds and she still hasn't finished her food. This isn't the case of one guy vacuuming up his plate and insisting his wife catch up. This is a one woman moving at the speed of a glacier. If the entire family is waiting for her than she is causing a problem and needs to pick up the pace.-COLLAPSE

  • as someone who has had both personal and professional experience with eating disorders i find the title of this post to be utterly offensive.

    beyond that, however, my family always gets a kick out of telling this story...apparently when i was about 4 years old, i was eating an apple and my mom told me to hurry up. i looked at her and said, 'i'm just a little girl with a little mouth and i can't...+READ

    as someone who has had both personal and professional experience with eating disorders i find the title of this post to be utterly offensive.

    beyond that, however, my family always gets a kick out of telling this story...apparently when i was about 4 years old, i was eating an apple and my mom told me to hurry up. i looked at her and said, 'i'm just a little girl with a little mouth and i can't eat any faster.'

    i definitely outgrew the 'little mouth' phase. in fact, i'm sure there are many people who would prefer if i kept it shut more often now :)-COLLAPSE

  • Growing up in a large familywhere I had to eat fast if I wanted my share, I am now an adult and a notoriously slow eater -- even as a child, I was always the last to finish. Ive watched my companions inhale twice the amount of food in the time it takes me to eat a normal portion. This is because I enjoy my food (usually) and I also enjoy the conversation. I actually put down my fork/sandwich...+READ

    Growing up in a large familywhere I had to eat fast if I wanted my share, I am now an adult and a notoriously slow eater -- even as a child, I was always the last to finish. Ive watched my companions inhale twice the amount of food in the time it takes me to eat a normal portion. This is because I enjoy my food (usually) and I also enjoy the conversation. I actually put down my fork/sandwich between bites. No one seems to mind, except for the occasional impatient restaurant server who wants to turn and burn the table. Eating fast makes me physically uncomfortable

    But to purposely slow down and prolong your own meal, to the point where people are annoyed with you, is an exhibition of underlyng control issues. Perhaps MIL was trying to avoid helping with the dishes?-COLLAPSE

  • Hey there KevinB - 30 minutes to eat about half of the day's caloric intake does not sound like a lot of time. I understand everyone is in a hurry - that's why they make fast food "to go".

    However, sitting around the family table sharing stories is the time to relax and take as long a needed to finish the food. I agree that if it drives you bonkers, start the coffee and dessert prep.

    ...+READ

    Hey there KevinB - 30 minutes to eat about half of the day's caloric intake does not sound like a lot of time. I understand everyone is in a hurry - that's why they make fast food "to go".

    However, sitting around the family table sharing stories is the time to relax and take as long a needed to finish the food. I agree that if it drives you bonkers, start the coffee and dessert prep.

    Clearly we're not all going to agree on what an appropriate amount of time is to complete a meal...-COLLAPSE

  • I have a niece who does this; she doesn't speak much, but she eats very slowly. Everyone else at the table is finished - and that's with lots of lively conversation, and I don't think anyone at our table "scarfs" down their food - and she is still picking away. Particularly when we are travelling (we used to do a lot of commuting between Toronto and Detroit on weekends), I think it's VERY rude to...+READ

    I have a niece who does this; she doesn't speak much, but she eats very slowly. Everyone else at the table is finished - and that's with lots of lively conversation, and I don't think anyone at our table "scarfs" down their food - and she is still picking away. Particularly when we are travelling (we used to do a lot of commuting between Toronto and Detroit on weekends), I think it's VERY rude to hold everyone else up. I'm not even talking about fine dining; she'll take half an hour to eat a Big Mac and fries. At formal Chinese banquets, it's not unusual for 11 other people to sit around and watch her slowly finish the latest course while we're all waiting for the next one. When she's not around, we all comment on it, and we're all annoyed - even my mother in law, who never usually says "Boo" to anyone.-COLLAPSE

  • I eat slowly, and you know, it's not about a power trip; it's about enjoying my food, so I don't get what the fuss is aobut. What's the big deal with a slow-eating mother-in-law? What's so wrong with spending a little extra quality time around the table with your friends and family? Is it keeping you from leaving a burning house? Or just from watching a "Seinfeld" rerun?

    If you don't like your...+READ

    I eat slowly, and you know, it's not about a power trip; it's about enjoying my food, so I don't get what the fuss is aobut. What's the big deal with a slow-eating mother-in-law? What's so wrong with spending a little extra quality time around the table with your friends and family? Is it keeping you from leaving a burning house? Or just from watching a "Seinfeld" rerun?

    If you don't like your mother-in-law's company enough to stay at the table while she finishes, make yourself useful and start getting dessert and coffee organized. Your mother-in-law would probably appreciate not having you glare and fidget as she tries to enjoy the rest of her meal.-COLLAPSE

  • I think scarfing food down quickly (e.g. being on thirds or clearing out the salad bowl) while everyone else maintains a mannered pace is just as rude and annoying as eating ridiculously slowly. Watch your table mates- adjust your speed accordingly, it isn't all that hard. It may help you to monitor the fact that you are talking more than anyone else is at the table; or it may help you to realize...+READ

    I think scarfing food down quickly (e.g. being on thirds or clearing out the salad bowl) while everyone else maintains a mannered pace is just as rude and annoying as eating ridiculously slowly. Watch your table mates- adjust your speed accordingly, it isn't all that hard. It may help you to monitor the fact that you are talking more than anyone else is at the table; or it may help you to realize that you put your face into your plate and piled it in without enjoying your meal.-COLLAPSE

  • I think that eating slowly being rude is a bit too much of a blanket statement.

    I eat my food very slowly when dining out for one reason... I am there with company and there is conversation. It seems to have become normal to talk with your mouth full these days. I refuse to do it, hence I consume my food much slower than everybody else at the table who are merrily talking and eating at the...+READ

    I think that eating slowly being rude is a bit too much of a blanket statement.

    I eat my food very slowly when dining out for one reason... I am there with company and there is conversation. It seems to have become normal to talk with your mouth full these days. I refuse to do it, hence I consume my food much slower than everybody else at the table who are merrily talking and eating at the same time.

    If anyone were so rude to point out my slow eating I would feel compelled to point out that they just spent the past 30 minutes talking with their mouth full... about the rudest of all possible diniing behaviors short of taking a crap on the table.-COLLAPSE

  • As a slow eater, I have been in the situation where others have gotten annoyed with me (husband/in-laws). One of the problems I have is stuffing my face while someone is talking to me at the table. I stop eating to listen to what they have to say. Although it was rude of me, during a holiday meal I put my face in my plate and ate like a ravaged dog..................they now chat amongst...+READ

    As a slow eater, I have been in the situation where others have gotten annoyed with me (husband/in-laws). One of the problems I have is stuffing my face while someone is talking to me at the table. I stop eating to listen to what they have to say. Although it was rude of me, during a holiday meal I put my face in my plate and ate like a ravaged dog..................they now chat amongst themselves while I attempt to finish my food.
    Another option I've tried..........I eat before I go to their house and have a tiny tiny pile of food.-COLLAPSE

  • I thought the title was hilarious.

    You guys are just waaaay too uptight to realize it.

    And by the way, I used to be bulimic.

  • If the OP senses this is a power trip, then there probably is an element of that kind of behaviour there. The trick is to find a way to deal with it.

  • i have had several reactions to this. one was "zzz." another was "call the waaambulance." then came "you know what? she may be entitled to eat very slowly, but it's perfectly valid to feel annoyed and uncomfortable."

    some people take the joy and camaraderie out of everything, and it's not enjoyable or appetizing to spend time with them.

  • PC rears its ugly head.

  • Agreed. The article itself isn't offensive as much as the title.

  • I think the title of this piece is extremely inappropriate and tasteless given the serious health issues suffered by those with anorexia (which I do not).

  • My friends and family have always complained that I am a slow eater. I eat slowly for two reasons-- The main one is that I compulsively chew my food more than most people. I'm not sure why but I find myself chewing my bites much longer than the other people at the table; unlike the mother-in-law though, I take moderate to very large sized bites. And secondly, I get distracted by conversation when...+READ

    My friends and family have always complained that I am a slow eater. I eat slowly for two reasons-- The main one is that I compulsively chew my food more than most people. I'm not sure why but I find myself chewing my bites much longer than the other people at the table; unlike the mother-in-law though, I take moderate to very large sized bites. And secondly, I get distracted by conversation when eating in a group.

    This habit of slow eating has caused some mild annoyances at times for others at the table, but at the same time I feel that the meal shold be enjoyed as long as it can. If the food is good I want to savor it and if the conversation is good I want to be involved. And if it's good food and good friends, well, that's just a recipe for me to take my time.

    Truth be told, I am a little annoyed by people eating too fast. I don't think a meal should be scarfed down.

    I am not very old and there is no way that I am anorexic-COLLAPSE