Items You Will Never Need

Published on Monday, October 30, 2006, by Aida Mollenkamp and Regan Burns / Edit Post

Without the printing press, we’d be uninformed; without the toothbrush, stinky. Unfortunately, not all inventions turn out to be life altering, or life improving—or even worth the packaging. As Christmas approaches, you’ll see lots of them. These are our favorites.

1. ButterMate
This actually makes cutting butter look difficult.
The Storage Store.com, $11.99

2. Flipping Omelet Pan
Making a proper omelet takes practice. But we think a spatula works pretty well.
AsSeenOnTV.com, $19.95

3. Pizza Fork
Remember sporks? This stainless steel fork-and-pizza-cutter combo does not make for pretty eating.
Stupididiotic, $6

4. Micro Mitts
When you must grab something hot from the toaster, Micro Mitts protect your fingertips. Or you could just wait 15 seconds.
The Home Marketplace, $7.99/set of two

5. Octodog Frankfurter Converter
Why would you want to use a cute cephalopod to bamboozle your kids into eating a hot dog? If your kids hate hot dogs, consider it a blessing.
Octodog, $16.95

6. Moo Mixer Supreme
Everybody knows how hard it is to mix up a glass of chocolate milk. First there’s the pouring of the milk, then the addition of the chocolate syrup or cocoa, and then there’s the stirring …
Amazon.com, $12.95

7. Pasta Express
Cooking pasta is a four-step process, and this invention removes exactly none of them. You still have to boil water, and then add pasta, cook it, and drain it. You can do it in this little glass capsule, or in a pot on the stove like a regular person.
Pasta Express, $19.99

8. Motorized Ice Cream Cone
Talk about taking the fun out of it.
Perpetual Kid, $8.99

9. Presto Pizzazz Pizza Maker
Which do you think makes the better pizza—oven and pizza stone, or turntable and heat lamp?
$49.99 at MSN Shopping

10. StirChef Automatic Pot Stirrer
Kind of like the automatic Slurpee stirrer at the 7-Eleven.
$9.99 at Crazysaver.com

ALLThe Ten
POST A COMMENT |19 Comments

COMMENT

  • People read the octodog website....

    "The method of slicing a hotdog linearly can reduce the chances of choking during consumption. A sliced hotdog is a safer way to serve hotdogs to children."

    This is about safety! About choking!

    THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!

    (smirk)

  • Okay, everybody, 'fess up- everybody has ONE of those thihgs, right?

    i bought an octodog my very own self. I haven't used it- yet.

  • If you're doing DNA experiments in your kitchen, PCR requires
    a number precise and evenly mixed water baths at specific
    temperatures. The StirChef could come in real handy here.

    http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?articleID=00035C6C-229B-1C74-9B81809EC588EF21&catID=2

  • i have one more to share the presto salad shooter. terrible invention waste of time. didnt do a thing it was supposed to.

  • The butter slicer could be handy to keep butter portions the right size if you're watching your diet, or if you have prissy houseguests and feel mortified if your butter doesn't look like you stole it from a restaurant...

    I have toast tongs instead of Micro Mitts, should I hang my head in shame or pretend I'm superior in some way?

  • My mother-in-law gave me the StirChef Automatic Pot Stirrer for Christmas around four years ago. Because I like to cook and it might be helpful, you know, for risotto and the like. I never opened the box, no siree.

  • If this is needed.. they simply shouldnt be in the kitchen!

    INSTRUCTIONS INCLUDED OVEN MITT & TOWEL
    Kitchenware for the kitchen impaired
    Are you lost in the kitchen? Is macaroni and cheese a big project for you? Fear not, this terry oven mitt and towel have Instructions Included. Refer to the handy diagrams on each product and dazzle everyone with your newly discovered kitchen prowess! Perfect...+READ

    If this is needed.. they simply shouldnt be in the kitchen!

    INSTRUCTIONS INCLUDED OVEN MITT & TOWEL
    Kitchenware for the kitchen impaired
    Are you lost in the kitchen? Is macaroni and cheese a big project for you? Fear not, this terry oven mitt and towel have Instructions Included. Refer to the handy diagrams on each product and dazzle everyone with your newly discovered kitchen prowess! Perfect house warming gift!-COLLAPSE

  • My kids have the Moo Mixer. My son fell in love with it at 4 years old and prayed for it every day for six months. How can you say no to that. There is just something very exciting about it to a 5 and 3 year old - maybe because we don't let them use any of the real motorized things without heavy supervision!

  • Well maybe not, but that would be funny

  • Regan Burns? Like from Oblivious. I love that guy! No wonder I found this article so hilarious.

  • I just got #8 for my birthday...

  • Does anyone remember the the device that scrambled an egg inside its shell? I actually received one as a gift many years ago. Just what I needed . . . another useless item to clutter up my countertop.

  • Number 11 would be the electric fork. It was a real item, to be used along with the electric knife.

  • More octodog madness:
    http://www.flakmag.com/misc/octodog.html

  • love it...

  • this is HYSTERICAL.

  • The Octodog is hilarious.

  • OMG, motorized ice cream cone. I am ordering it right now.

  • AWESOME! What incredible crap.