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Dear Helena,
I am going to my aunt’s funeral and would like to take some food for my uncle and his family. It should be a dish they could serve at the post-funeral buffet or enjoy on their own later. Casseroles are too old-fashioned. Would guacamole and chips be appropriate? If not, what do you suggest?–Casserole Hater
Dear Casserole Hater,
The bereaved are usually too distraught to worry about cooking, so it’s thoughtful to bring them food. But it should be the right sort of food. Guacamole says “fiesta,” not “funeral.”
1. Skip the perishables. The traditional Amish offering, “funeral pie,” is made with raisins instead of fresh fruit—it lasts longer. A funeral dish should be one that can sit around for a couple of days, because you don’t know when it will be served. And it’s best if your dish can be stored at room temperature, since other well-wishers may have stuffed the refrigerator with casseroles.
2. Keep it simple. The bereaved want food that soothes. Jessica Bemis Ward, the editor of Food to Die For: A Book of Funeral Food, Tips and Tales (2004), has attended “over 400” funerals. Her advice? “Don’t bring anything too avant-garde, sophisticated, or challenging.” In other words, think mac and cheese, not molecular gastronomy.
3. Serve in portions. Funeral guests steer clear of food that requires assembly, even crudités and dip. That’s why biscuits filled with Virginia ham are a staple of Southern funeral buffets. If the fixings were served separately, few would touch them. “People feel it’s unseemly to look too interested in food,” says Ward.
4. Forget the mini-quiches. The individual portions should not be dainty. Death makes people hungry. Lisa Rogak, author of Death Warmed Over: Funeral Food, Rituals & Customs from Around the World (2004), says, “At weddings, they drink more. At funerals, they eat more.”
So what should you bring? “Cheese straws are always well-received,” says Ward. She also recommends good old potato salad or deviled eggs. As for dessert, Rogak says, “Chocolate is a mood elevator.” Belgians traditionally eat black or dark food at funerals, and her book includes a recipe for a ganache-frosted Belgian funeral cake. “You can’t go wrong with chocolate,” Rojak says. Unless, of course, you bring a death-by-chocolate torte.
Have a Table Manners question? Email Helena.
I am glad to see a whole gob of people who actually carry pot-luck to a funeral and understand the spirit of joining together to provide for the bereaved.
At a relation-by-marriage funeral in a northern city a few years ago, I was stunned that the immediate family of the bereaved was expected to furnish dinner at a nice place for hundreds of funeral guests. God only knows what it cost as it was...+READ
I am glad to see a whole gob of people who actually carry pot-luck to a funeral and understand the spirit of joining together to provide for the bereaved.
At a relation-by-marriage funeral in a northern city a few years ago, I was stunned that the immediate family of the bereaved was expected to furnish dinner at a nice place for hundreds of funeral guests. God only knows what it cost as it was a rather nice place.
I thought it was SO unfeeling of the entire group and no-one thought it in the least unusual!
I'm glad to be a southerner.-COLLAPSE
yeah, funeral food isn't about being fancy shmancy, it's about good reliable home cooked oldies but goodies [the recipe should be an oldie but goodie not the food, just to clarify :)] when I'm bereaved I can't eat just need to drink .. tea, coffee, hot chocolate - so, bringing drinks is always forgotten but is so needed!
OMG you guys would die if you ever came to a funeral in the Deep South! In the 70's and 80's it was fried chicken and greens or chicken and dumplings, peas and cornbread, casseroles, potato salad, deviled eggs, beef roast with gravy over rice, hams, baked chicken with gravy, mashed potatoes. I could go on for days. If the person in the casket didn't die from some coronary related death, you can...+READ
OMG you guys would die if you ever came to a funeral in the Deep South! In the 70's and 80's it was fried chicken and greens or chicken and dumplings, peas and cornbread, casseroles, potato salad, deviled eggs, beef roast with gravy over rice, hams, baked chicken with gravy, mashed potatoes. I could go on for days. If the person in the casket didn't die from some coronary related death, you can be sure the funeral guests would in the following months.
Now it's just fried chicken from Popeyes or KFC and some nasty casserole made from cream of mushroom soup or velveeta or cheez whiz. A cake from a big box grocery store since no one knows how to cook or bake anymore. Jello desserts and key lime pie made with green food coloring. Sandwich and veggie trays made by Walmart. But people still gorge themselves like it's their last meal. The food was traditionally for the family, but it really is a huge feast for all of the guests who go to the house of the family of the dead after the graveside service. It's really disgusting to see these people stuff deviled eggs into their faces when you know what the air in their houses is gonna be like later that evening (sorry).
A dish that is portable that is real food--made in a home kitchen-- that won't make people ill if it sits out for a while. I realize that a long time has passed since the original post; perhaps a homemade macaroni and cheese? Do people make that from scratch there? The real one with real cheese? It's either from a box or made with velveeta here. Many people here have never had the real kind. There's no comfort food like that.-COLLAPSE
OMG you guys would die if you ever came to a funeral in the Deep South! In the 70's and 80's it was fried chicken and greens or chicken and dumplings, peas and cornbread, casseroles, potato salad, deviled eggs, beef roast with gravy over rice, hams, baked chicken with gravy, mashed potatoes. I could go on for days. If the person in the casket didn't die from some coronary related death, you can...+READ
OMG you guys would die if you ever came to a funeral in the Deep South! In the 70's and 80's it was fried chicken and greens or chicken and dumplings, peas and cornbread, casseroles, potato salad, deviled eggs, beef roast with gravy over rice, hams, baked chicken with gravy, mashed potatoes. I could go on for days. If the person in the casket didn't die from some coronary related death, you can be sure the funeral guests would in the following months.
Now it's just fried chicken from Popeyes or KFC and some nasty casserole made from cream of mushroom soup or velveeta or cheez whiz. A cake from a big box grocery store since no one knows how to cook or bake anymore. Jello desserts and key lime pie made with green food coloring. Sandwich and veggie trays made by Walmart. But people still gorge themselves like it's their last meal. The food was traditionally for the family, but it really is a huge feast for all of the guests who go to the house of the family of the dead after the graveside service. It's really disgusting to see these people stuff deviled eggs into their faces when you know what the air in their houses is gonna be like later that evening (sorry).
A dish that is real food made in a home kitchen that is portable that won't make people ill if it sits out for a while. I realize that a long time has past since the original post; perhaps a homemade macaroni and cheese? Do people make that from scratch there? The real one with real cheese? It's either from a box or made with velveeta here. Many people here have never had the real kind. There's no comfort food like that.-COLLAPSE
Eastmontjv - They are referring to the reception typically held after the funeral (or wake...which is before? depending on your particular social customs). There is always lots of food at those events, some of which is intended for the mourners attending, and some for the family of the deceased who likely will not feel like cooking for several days.
Nobody is talking about bringing ham biscuits...+READ
Eastmontjv - They are referring to the reception typically held after the funeral (or wake...which is before? depending on your particular social customs). There is always lots of food at those events, some of which is intended for the mourners attending, and some for the family of the deceased who likely will not feel like cooking for several days.
Nobody is talking about bringing ham biscuits to the funeral home or the cemetery. Though you might have known that and just wanted to comment?-COLLAPSE
Bringing food to a funeral? Now I have heard everything. Did they die from famine? What happened to flowers?
You can't go wrong with a fresh fruit basket. Make sure it includes hardier items like apples, bananas, and oranges which will last for a week easily. Good for a quick and healthy snack with no prep work. I always send them in lieu of flowers.
Often times I will include a baked item like bar cookies too.
My grandfather passed away in December and I remember realizing after two full days crammed with travel and people coming and going that the only liquids I had consumed for 48 hours had been coffee and alcohol. It would have been helpful (as someone else suggested with the bottled water) to have something nice to drink around that wasn't caffinated or boozy. Sparkling cider seems bizarre, so I...+READ
My grandfather passed away in December and I remember realizing after two full days crammed with travel and people coming and going that the only liquids I had consumed for 48 hours had been coffee and alcohol. It would have been helpful (as someone else suggested with the bottled water) to have something nice to drink around that wasn't caffinated or boozy. Sparkling cider seems bizarre, so I plan to bring iced herbal tea or very fancy juice the next time I attend a funeral, or even that "Ame" notwinebutnotjuice stuff you can get at upscale groceries. It is packaged like wine, but kids can drink it since it's basically juice with some herbs in it and comes in flavors like elderflower I think. Other suggestions for funeral-appropriate beverages? Just fancy herbal tea bags?-COLLAPSE
I like to roast a lemon-and-fresh-thyme-stuffed chicken with new potatoes. I either deliver it whole and carve it there, or bring the pre-carved bird on a platter. Good hot or cold, easy to pick at and unthreatening.
Fried chicken, a platter of ham slices, pasta salad, a large fresh vegie salad with a few different dressings, rolls. All of these don't have to be assembled at the home and are well received. Unfortunately speaking from recent experience.
And something I had never thought about - right after the death, people brought paper products, utensils, cases of bottled water and soft drinks, wine and...+READ
Fried chicken, a platter of ham slices, pasta salad, a large fresh vegie salad with a few different dressings, rolls. All of these don't have to be assembled at the home and are well received. Unfortunately speaking from recent experience.
And something I had never thought about - right after the death, people brought paper products, utensils, cases of bottled water and soft drinks, wine and beer for people who would be stopping by the house.-COLLAPSE
A crockpot filled with meatballs - whether they be barbecue, sweet & sour, or in Italian tomato sauce. Hot food is comforting. Meatballs are easy to "grab and go"...just have picks/ forks handy.
I second the breakfast/brunch items: Muffins, scones, bagels, pastries. People always seem to go heavy on the lunch/dinner items and forget about breakfast.
Muffins. Good for breakfast & snacking. When my mother died, my family was grateful for breakfast items. Too much going on with arrangements didn't allow for planned meals, so I was grateful to be able to make coffee & have the muffins for something quick & easy.
In South Africa we have a Cape Malay dish called 'funeral rice' which has been just about obligatory at all the funerals I have gone to. It is rice cooked with butter, raisins, a fair amount of turmeric (enough to taste and colour the rice bright yellow, but too much makes for a bitter flavour - say a teaspoon per cup of rice?), cinnamon sticks and a teaspoon of sugar to sweeten it slightly - to...+READ
In South Africa we have a Cape Malay dish called 'funeral rice' which has been just about obligatory at all the funerals I have gone to. It is rice cooked with butter, raisins, a fair amount of turmeric (enough to taste and colour the rice bright yellow, but too much makes for a bitter flavour - say a teaspoon per cup of rice?), cinnamon sticks and a teaspoon of sugar to sweeten it slightly - to be eaten with 'bobotie', a local dish of lightly curried mince, dried apricots and almonds baked in a milk and egg custard flavoured with lemon leaves, or a saucy curried lamb stew, usually with a lot of carrots in it (again a sweet touch). I think this food is both substantial and the sweetness brings comfort.-COLLAPSE
The nice thing about high fat cheeses is that you can keep them unrefrigerated (though covered) for longer than other dairy products, and they're accessible for all-day snacking, I mean grieving. Ditto roast potatoes.