Open My Wine First

Published on Tuesday, October 17, 2006, by Helena Echlin / Edit Post

Dear Helena,

I went to a dinner party recently and brought a nice bottle of wine. The hosts thanked me but never opened it. I wanted everyone to try the wine and thought it was understood that when you bring something for the hosts, they’re supposed to share it with the guests. Was it rude for my friends to keep my wine for themselves?–Thwarted Guest

Dear Thwarted Guest,

Bringing a gift to a dinner party is not like bringing a dish to a potluck. At a dinner party, the host will make sure there’s enough to eat and drink. He probably put a lot of thought into the food and accompanying wines. Adding another item might disrupt his menu.

When you bring wine or another offering, it’s a token of appreciation. So if he wants, the host can hide your chocolates on top of the fridge and save them as a reward for doing the dishes. And he can stick your bottle in his wine rack and guzzle it for a nightcap.

There are two exceptions. If the alcohol runs dry, the host should crack open the wine you brought, and if he skimped on dessert, he should share your chocolates.

The other exception is for hard liquor. If you bring a bottle of scotch, the host must offer everyone a tipple. This is because liquor, unlike wine, isn’t perishable, and a bottle goes a long way.

But next time you’re the guest, why not bring something other than food or drink? That way, the host can both share your gift and enjoy it afterward. One friend of mine often brings a little toy. Last time, he brought a plastic twig with a plastic caterpillar perched on it. When you tilted the stick one way, the caterpillar inched downward. When you tilted it the other way, it inched back. The caterpillar tickled the other guests. The next day, it was the perfect distraction from my hangover.

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POST A COMMENT |12 Comments

COMMENT

  • I like to bring bottles of wine as hostess gifts, but when I hand it over, I always tell them it's for them to enjoy whenever they wish.

  • p.s. Nestra - I LOVE that. May have to try it!

  • I was brought up that the protocol was you were NOT to bring anything that might disrupt the flow of the host or hostess' party. Even flowers (once you're out of college and they're likely to have had the money to buy their own) because it may compete with the decor or cause time difficulties in arranging when last minute cooking or socializing should be done. If wine is brought it is NEVER...+READ

    I was brought up that the protocol was you were NOT to bring anything that might disrupt the flow of the host or hostess' party. Even flowers (once you're out of college and they're likely to have had the money to buy their own) because it may compete with the decor or cause time difficulties in arranging when last minute cooking or socializing should be done. If wine is brought it is NEVER expected that it will be used unless it was asked beforehand what would be served and if you could bring something to accompany it. At least at a formal party. We have casual ones all the time where anything goes and are great, but at formal ones, nicely gift tagged (so the host later knows who they're from) gifts are simply set in the front room or something for them to enjoy later. Or a gift may be sent the next day. Otherwise it is becoming a "potluck" of sorts and with a very planned menu that can be very stressful for the host.-COLLAPSE

  • Bringing wine to a dinner party is very unoriginal unless the wine is special in some way--i.e. brought back from your recent wine tour in Tuscany etc... Flowers are also a nuissance if you do not have staff to deal with them and may clash with your other floral arrangements. I find pots of jam (preferrably homemade) or fine belgian pralines make better hostess gifts.

  • I've brought wine to a dinner party before that I realized was completely innappropriate for the meal being served. Why would I ever expect the host to open it when it would be much better enjoyed another time? Bringing a wine to a dinner party merely provides the host with another option, certainly not an obligation.
    JeremyEG

  • Here is what my French friends do.
    Flowers for the hostess, wine for the host.

    The flowers go in the living room or the front hall, not the dining room where there are already flowers.

    The wine is kept by the host for later use. This because the dinner and wines have already been decided on.

    NOW this doesn't mean they don't get a bit "twisted" and drink the wine while doing a dance with the...+READ

    Here is what my French friends do.
    Flowers for the hostess, wine for the host.

    The flowers go in the living room or the front hall, not the dining room where there are already flowers.

    The wine is kept by the host for later use. This because the dinner and wines have already been decided on.

    NOW this doesn't mean they don't get a bit "twisted" and drink the wine while doing a dance with the bouquet later, but the final say is with the host and hostess.

    I love my French friends, they start so formaly them go totally unbuttoned as the evening rolls on.-COLLAPSE

  • A friend of mine makes mixed CDs of music appropriate to the event (fun Christmas music for a Christmas party, sean-nos for an upscale St. Patty's Day dinner, smokey blues for a cool fall get-to-gether and funky magic/monster themed music for Halloween night). He loves doing it and his selections are usually spot on for the event. We have all gotten to the point where we look forward to whatever...+READ

    A friend of mine makes mixed CDs of music appropriate to the event (fun Christmas music for a Christmas party, sean-nos for an upscale St. Patty's Day dinner, smokey blues for a cool fall get-to-gether and funky magic/monster themed music for Halloween night). He loves doing it and his selections are usually spot on for the event. We have all gotten to the point where we look forward to whatever music he brings. It is never ordinary and always gives us something to yammer about during the event.-COLLAPSE

  • My husband and I actually prefer that the host/ess save the bottle we bring for the occasion and meal that seems right: It's his/hers to use as s/he sees fit. Also, we often bring a really nice wine and at large parties where other guests aren't big wine drinkers, it can be a shame to see a lovely pinot gris served semi-warm and then swigged.

  • Here in Napa, we generally make it clear to the host when presenting the wine that it's their call whether they want to drink it for the party or save it for later.
    It helps diffuse that situation right off the bat.

  • I completely disagree with the suggestion that anything that is brought as a gift must be shared with the guests under the circumstances described - a hostess gift is a hostess gift - for the hostess (or host) to use as and when she chooses. Doesn't mean that I might not offer the gift to my guests, but I don't think there is any requirement that I do so, whether the item is perishable or not.

  • I like the recommendation, but the caterpillar toy suggestion, opens a whole other bottle of worms.

    I'm pretty particular about "stuff" and prefer to keep my rooms minimal and non-cluttered. I hate it when I have to pretend to like knick-knacks and tchotchkes that other people buy for me as hostess gifts. They rarely go with the decor and I'm obligated to display the gifts during my next party...+READ

    I like the recommendation, but the caterpillar toy suggestion, opens a whole other bottle of worms.

    I'm pretty particular about "stuff" and prefer to keep my rooms minimal and non-cluttered. I hate it when I have to pretend to like knick-knacks and tchotchkes that other people buy for me as hostess gifts. They rarely go with the decor and I'm obligated to display the gifts during my next party less the giver is offended. I think non-food/drink ideas are okay, but it really depends on the host's personality. I'm sure caterpillars are somehow suited to Helena's personality, but if you ever come to my dinner party, please bring food or wine. I'll make sure you get to drink it.-COLLAPSE

  • My friends and family have after many years decided on protocol - if you bring wine, the host will open all bottles brought by guests (unless it is say a Dessert wine which will be opened at the appropriate course) and allow everyone to sample. There is an exception - if a bottle is given to the host as a gift to say thank you or perhaps as a birthday present - if so, the wine is gift wrapped and...+READ

    My friends and family have after many years decided on protocol - if you bring wine, the host will open all bottles brought by guests (unless it is say a Dessert wine which will be opened at the appropriate course) and allow everyone to sample. There is an exception - if a bottle is given to the host as a gift to say thank you or perhaps as a birthday present - if so, the wine is gift wrapped and for use at the discretion of the host. Although normally we find it a great excuse to make sure that the wine given as a gift is shared with the giver with an appropriate meal to match. When we go to a new friend's place, we ask in advance so there is no misunderstanding. Balzac-COLLAPSE