Spicy Roasted Chickpeas
Picnic Recipes Galore
Corner-Store Party Food on the Fly
9 Chili Recipes, Bison to Vegan
How to Choose the Best Strawberries
Sausage Recipes of the Month
Dear Helena,
I recently attended a party where the first thing the hosts did was offer a tour of their palatial pad. My husband and I live in a modest apartment. We thought it was tacky. Was it?
—House Proud
Dear House Proud,
Unless the host's wine cellar is haunted, his default assumption should be that his guests do not want a tour of it. All your dinner guests need to know about your floor plan is where the bathroom is. Even when the occasion is a housewarming, you should wait to be asked before showing guests around. Maxi Lilley, an interior decorator in Oakland, California, is proud of the way she and her husband renovated their Craftsman bungalow, but she doesn't automatically offer guests a tour. As she points out, "If you say, 'Would you like a tour?,' there's no polite way to decline."
The fact is that while some guests are fascinated to learn every detail of how you selected the backsplash behind your kitchen counters, many are not. Geoff Gibson, an architect in San Francisco, has a professional interest in the subject, but even he confesses to home-tour overload: "I guess in general I feel like they can be really pretentious and tedious. Like looking through 100 pictures of someone's kid or cat."
Todd Lappin, a technology product manager, painstakingly decorated his San Francisco home in accordance with his quirky vintage-industrial aesthetic: A large chunk of a Boeing 707 serves as wall art in the living room, and the kitchen is designed to evoke a "Cold War naval laboratory." But even Lappin waits for a sign from guests before offering a tour. "You can tell by the way people are looking at the house if they are curious." A good rule of thumb is to wait for your guests to ask a question, like, "What kind of view do you get from upstairs?" If all they say is, "Nice place!," then go straight to drinks.
When you're showing guests around, there's a right way and a wrong way to do it. Showing off your money is always in bad taste, but that's particularly true nowadays, when the 99 percent is seriously disgruntled. Emphasize features that are of general interest, or features that you are particularly proud of because they are your own handiwork, like the Scandinavian Airlines food cart that Lappin repurposed as a bar cart.
Rachel Lehmann-Haupt, a writer who divides her time between Sausalito, California, and New York City, says: "If someone bought their own house [and fixed it up] ... I respect that." But a house tour is annoying, she says, if "they have this McMansion because they are spoiled trust-fund people, and they don't appreciate it, and you think they don't deserve to live there."
To avoid parsing whether or not you are middle-class or DIY enough to show off your home without offending people, just use this guideline: If you're better off than the person who came in, proceed with caution. If your friend cooks on an ancient, gunk-encrusted stove that his landlord refuses to replace, it's bad form to remark, "This Viking stove is one of the reasons we fell in love with the house." And if your friend lost his home in the mortgage meltdown and now lives in a communal house with a bunch of freegans, he may not want to see your second guest bedroom. Don't make your guests want to start an Occupy movement.
It depends on the house, and on meeting one's guests' expectations. I live in a preservation district and there is a big plaque on the front of the house, which has been restored and furnished to its original period. Also, there is (authentically!) no washroom on the main floor, so everyone is going to be floating around at some point in the evening anyway. I always offer first-timers a tour,...+READ
It depends on the house, and on meeting one's guests' expectations. I live in a preservation district and there is a big plaque on the front of the house, which has been restored and furnished to its original period. Also, there is (authentically!) no washroom on the main floor, so everyone is going to be floating around at some point in the evening anyway. I always offer first-timers a tour, male and female all accept, and I step out of each room as quickly as possible. Usually I cannot get people to move along...everyone has oodles of questions.
Similarly, we were once (and only once) invited for dinner to a well-known art collector's home. I did not know the host well enough to ask, but would have been very disappointed not to have had the tour, and to have had to have waited until his passing and the collection's arrival at its purpose-built wing in our local museum.
The highlight at the end of the tour was his pointing to a beautiful Fontana (the slashed canvases artist) that was the centrepiece of his foyer, which we all admired, and then he triumphantly told us it was a fake...a copy of the one he HAD owned, but had had to sell to raise capital for a business project of his. By the time he was in the money again, he said the prices were just too silly for him to buy a new one......but even though he tried other peices in the space, he missed the impact of the one that got away....so....
I am VERY glad I had that tour, without having to ask for one.-COLLAPSE
The house tour is a standard opener in the South for any first visit, as I remembered to my chagrin when my niece from Jacksonville arrived for dinner at my home in Massachusetts, bringing a visiting out-of-town friend, and immediately offered said friend a tour of MY place! Thus, her friend got to know much more about my personal tastes, habits, and income than either she or I wanted to share. I...+READ
The house tour is a standard opener in the South for any first visit, as I remembered to my chagrin when my niece from Jacksonville arrived for dinner at my home in Massachusetts, bringing a visiting out-of-town friend, and immediately offered said friend a tour of MY place! Thus, her friend got to know much more about my personal tastes, habits, and income than either she or I wanted to share. I had been out of the South for so long I had happily forgotten.-COLLAPSE
We haven't always been fortunate enough to have lots of space. I did apartment living in Manhattan and Brooklyn for years. Now, in the suburbs, things are a bit different. We had a very large home in a community where lots of people are into decorating. I found it a bit tiresome having to trudge up and down stairs and be concerned with people's opinions of the sloppy spaces (e.g., my office)....+READ
We haven't always been fortunate enough to have lots of space. I did apartment living in Manhattan and Brooklyn for years. Now, in the suburbs, things are a bit different. We had a very large home in a community where lots of people are into decorating. I found it a bit tiresome having to trudge up and down stairs and be concerned with people's opinions of the sloppy spaces (e.g., my office). Now, we have another large home, which, frankly, is decorated in a much nicer fashion, but it's located in a neighborhood some folks believe is "marginal." Few visitors ever ask to go past the dining room, living room or bathroom.
Most of the show-case homes I've visited were shown to me, only after it came up in conversation that I had an interest in the decor and/or layout. One couple, however, came immediately to mind when I saw this topic.
The house was a very pretty 5,000 sq. ft. plus new construction in a very nice neighborhood on a couple of acres. To our astonishment, the decor looked as if someone from the tv series "Jersey Shore" had decorated this house. As this well-off woman forced us to look around and went on-and-on about her decorating ideas (think the clearance rack at the home section at T.J. Maxx) we couldn't help but feel a kind of culture shock. Nowhere in this home was a piece of artwork, a book or other accessory that had any merit whatsoever. It was kinda like being in a better-class golf villa at a Vegas casino.
We enjoyed the mirth we got out of that visit, however. To this day, when shopping, if a particularly offensive piece of kitsch is found by one of us, we laugh out loud and invoke the name of the home-owners.-COLLAPSE
Home tours crack me up, even with a real estate agent, "this is the bathroom" "this is the kitchen" DUH, next do we have to watch the home video of your child's birth?
Casual guests don't need a tour but I think house guests do. I like house guests to feel free to get fresh towels, make coffee, get cereal or cookies, and go to the refrigerator anytime they want. As a guest I enjoy a house tour because it gives me insight into people and gives me an opportunity to appreciate them in ways I might never have known. A sewing room? Wow! You're reading that? Wow!
Ohhhh -- these posts are terrific to read because my husband and I may be subjecting our guests to the House Tour overload. In October we completed a major down-to-the-studs remodel of a 1950s mid-century modern SF Peninsula home we purchased 5 years ago. Our architect turned this boxy Eichler wanna-be into a small elegant art gallery. In all fairness, the majority of our guests visited the house...+READ
Ohhhh -- these posts are terrific to read because my husband and I may be subjecting our guests to the House Tour overload. In October we completed a major down-to-the-studs remodel of a 1950s mid-century modern SF Peninsula home we purchased 5 years ago. Our architect turned this boxy Eichler wanna-be into a small elegant art gallery. In all fairness, the majority of our guests visited the house in the pre-renovation stage so offering a tour is somewhat appropriate. But thank you for the elegant reminder: if a guest appears interested in the remodel process and the materials, then continue with the tour. Otherwise, we should repair to the living room and enjoy our pre-dinner hor dourves and wine.-COLLAPSE
Wow..not sure where you hang out, or with who, but sounds like we are in very different scenarios. Sounds like some, or maybe plenty of the folks you know are kind of a drag given the slant you put on this. Actually, we take the lead from our host/hostess as to whether they WANT to show more of their home beyond the areas that are part of the social gathering.
I spend a good deal of time in...+READ
Wow..not sure where you hang out, or with who, but sounds like we are in very different scenarios. Sounds like some, or maybe plenty of the folks you know are kind of a drag given the slant you put on this. Actually, we take the lead from our host/hostess as to whether they WANT to show more of their home beyond the areas that are part of the social gathering.
I spend a good deal of time in the wine country and although a humble artist with a modest apt. in Oakland, I have been invited to some of the most amazing homes for both large and intimate social gatherings. Seriously, many times it is outright uncool to ask "hey, can I see your whole home?" unless the people who have invited you actually offer that! It greatly depends on your relationship to the host/hostess and the nature of the event. If it is a large or complicated social gathering, asking for a tour may just be a pain in the butt ...often our hostess is very focused on the event hospitality and can't take the time; other times it has been clear that they have graciously opened up some areas of their home but to ask to see more is intrusive. It is the hosts' call, not a (nosy) guest's. And as for hanging out in homes that may outclass your own income level...why go there at all if you are so freakin' sensitive? To eat? And that's it? Chances are those disparities will show up in more ways than whether your host has a 2nd guest bedroom! Heck, I live in a small apartment and some of my hosts have multiple guest cottages that are bigger than my whole place, along with massive kitchens and art collections...so what? We all have a great time and those differences don't define it. Why go if you have issues to begin with. Hmmm...maybe take a closer look at your issues...-COLLAPSE
I guess it depends on the person. I love house tours. I love hearing about the kitchen back splash, I love talking about tile and paint colors, etc, and I am also interested in the Viking stove even though I am on a grad student budget. I also like house tours because I think the way a person decorates his/her space says something about them. I can also see how some people don't care or would be...+READ
I guess it depends on the person. I love house tours. I love hearing about the kitchen back splash, I love talking about tile and paint colors, etc, and I am also interested in the Viking stove even though I am on a grad student budget. I also like house tours because I think the way a person decorates his/her space says something about them. I can also see how some people don't care or would be bored with a house tour, so I think it's important to be able to read people and know whether or not they want to see your place.-COLLAPSE
Coming to CA from New England I was horrified by the house tour before dinner routine. As a result your article warmed my heart. I live in a small house where using the bathroom is the tour, and I like it when other people like it, but when my hostess says "Don't you want to see the house?" I bite my tongue and hightail it back to the guys and my wine at first opportunity.
I remember once being very reluctantly dragged on a house tour. If that wasn't gauche enough, it was made worse by the hostess pointing out and quoting exactly how much money every lamp/table/etc. cost. Tacky, tacky, tacky.
I've gotten house tours from people who are affluent. I find it interesting from a creative perspective. It's embarrassing if the place is over-the-top garish, though.
We renovated and added to a 200 year old (in its oldest part) farm house. We do invite people in who had known the house in its pre-renovation phase. Many had heard that one end was a log cabin, but few had seen it. Now one log cabin wall is exposed and part of our library.
Not to show them the old parts redone wouldn't be neighborly.
I would prefer it if guests would ask for a tour, rather than taking off and checking out my place without asking. I don't get that.
I'd be only mildly interested in someone's home, but don't see what House Proud is upset about, unless the host was being ostentatious about the tour. My own domicile is modest, but I wouldn't be upset touring a much nicer place. Bored, more likely. Sounds like HP is carrying a load of resentment about his own lifestyle.
I don't see anything wrong with house tours at all. The people in the article who have a problem with it sound jealous or insecure.
I love home tours. Getting to see a friend's latest renovation, the new tile in the bathroom, the new laundry room, I like it all.
I'd say if the guests ask to see the house, show what you want of it to them. If they don't ask, don't show. Problem solved?
Maybe "HouseProud" needs to spend a little time thinking about why he or she is ashamed of their "modest apartment." The idea that one shouldn't show guests around your home is ridiculous. This is especially true if you recently moved in, or have renovated.
Basic manners mean you don't talk about your home in terms of money. And, one certainly wouldn't want to make guests uncomfortable;...+READ
Maybe "HouseProud" needs to spend a little time thinking about why he or she is ashamed of their "modest apartment." The idea that one shouldn't show guests around your home is ridiculous. This is especially true if you recently moved in, or have renovated.
Basic manners mean you don't talk about your home in terms of money. And, one certainly wouldn't want to make guests uncomfortable; particularly if they're struggling financially. THAT would be the tacky part.-COLLAPSE
If someone is proud enough of their home to show it off to guests, why not? I love to see other people houses. Tell you how much they paid for it? Now THAT is tacky.
I love house tours! I live in a converted three story industrial loft... so people typically want to see my place too! I mean I don't offer one the UPS guy... but to friends sure - why not!
I grew up with the idea of a home tour for new guests. I enjoy tours of new friends home and I know they enjoyed a simple tour of mine. Nothing tacky about it.
Our house is haunted so we always provide a simple tour so new guests know where it is safe or not safe to be in our home.
i disagree w Helena. i think brief home tours have always been a good etiquette tool for what areas are on-and-off limits for visitors-- one house will have the master bedroom door closed (off liits), while another will use the bed to pile everyone's coats. of these three doors in the hallway, door #1 is the baby's room, where you can feel free to coo over the cute baby and sweet baby things,...+READ
i disagree w Helena. i think brief home tours have always been a good etiquette tool for what areas are on-and-off limits for visitors-- one house will have the master bedroom door closed (off liits), while another will use the bed to pile everyone's coats. of these three doors in the hallway, door #1 is the baby's room, where you can feel free to coo over the cute baby and sweet baby things, unless the door is closed, when you should not barge... #2 is the bathroom, which you should *definitely* be able to find.... #3 is the cave of the teenage goth deathmetal spawn.... no barging under any circumstances..... important to know these things, no?
if you don't show people around, people aren't sure if they can go out on the deck or your tiny apartment balcony to smoke... whether there is a second living room/den in which to mingle... whether there is a home office where they can take you or another aside for private conversation... if there is a second bathroom somewhere! all very good things to know. when guests know their way around someone's home and the areas where they can go/not go, and aren't worried about accidentally opening a door to the host's private bondage dungeon while searching for the powder room, they are more comfortable. being a good host means making everyone comfortable, hence the host will show you, briefly, tastefully, and conversationally... their crib.-COLLAPSE
Home tours: An excellent opportunity to shoplift.
If this article was about "Being invited to your evil boss's home while you're nothing but a lowly paid underling", I would completely agree with the author. However, when it comes to friends, this advice is just ridiculous. We have to not give into this mentality that anyone with money is keeping the rest of America down because that's just not true- unless you work on Wall Street that is....+READ
If this article was about "Being invited to your evil boss's home while you're nothing but a lowly paid underling", I would completely agree with the author. However, when it comes to friends, this advice is just ridiculous. We have to not give into this mentality that anyone with money is keeping the rest of America down because that's just not true- unless you work on Wall Street that is. Therefore, if your friend happens to have more money than you and wants to show you around their new apt, why would you as their friend not want to see it? My husband and I had a house warming when we got our first lease and invited our friends over, most of whom make considerable less income than us. They all were genuinely interested in seeing our place, as we were when we went to their new apt. Why? Because we're friends and care about each other- it has nothing to do with money. Obviously we are tactful- we would never discuss how much something was that we paid for unless asked. However, it is just absurd to think that giving a tour of your new home that you are so proud of is "tacky" because you make more money than your guests. When it would be tacky is when you are an a** about it and are obviously giving the tour simply to show off. I just do not understand though why Helena would make such a sweeping generalization.-COLLAPSE
I don't mind home tours at all. As long as they are brief, they are fun, not pretentious. Also, when I got my new apartment, my good friends and family were asking to see it. When I visited my best friend from high school, I was THRILLED for her to take me around her new house. Someone I don't know well...that might be a little different.
I recently went over to a friend's place for a hike & lunch. It was the first time my husband had accompanied me there (tho I had been there a few times before) and I wanted him to see their sweet place. We were the first guests and asked for a tour which sent our hostess scampering ahead to make the bed (!) Clearly she did not expect the tour and perhaps had forgotten it was my husband's first...+READ
I recently went over to a friend's place for a hike & lunch. It was the first time my husband had accompanied me there (tho I had been there a few times before) and I wanted him to see their sweet place. We were the first guests and asked for a tour which sent our hostess scampering ahead to make the bed (!) Clearly she did not expect the tour and perhaps had forgotten it was my husband's first visit there.
I felt a bit gauche not waiting to be offered a tour first... No biggie, but it did feel like a bit of a faux pas.
So I am still unclear -- do you ask or do you wait for the host to offer?-COLLAPSE
It's tacky. Doesn't matter if it's a big house or a small house. There are public spaces and private spaces. I don't need to see your bedroom or bathroom. And if someone offers to show me around, as Maxi Lilley says, there's no polite way to decline. Todd Lappin is onto something -- pay attention to the guests and take your cue from them.
I don't think it's a problem for those of us who neither...+READ
It's tacky. Doesn't matter if it's a big house or a small house. There are public spaces and private spaces. I don't need to see your bedroom or bathroom. And if someone offers to show me around, as Maxi Lilley says, there's no polite way to decline. Todd Lappin is onto something -- pay attention to the guests and take your cue from them.
I don't think it's a problem for those of us who neither have meticulously restored Tudor cotteges or spectacular 10 million dollar houses. A two-up-two-down semi doesn't operate on the plain of reality.-COLLAPSE
Most people are going to be somewhat curious, and may feel ill at ease asking for a tour. If it is a new place it hardly seems like bragging to show people your digs, unless as another poster pointed out you start talking about how you picked the tile from ann sacks instead of home depot because it looked the same but cost twice as much, and OF COURSE you only bought grohe or dornbracht plumbing...+READ
Most people are going to be somewhat curious, and may feel ill at ease asking for a tour. If it is a new place it hardly seems like bragging to show people your digs, unless as another poster pointed out you start talking about how you picked the tile from ann sacks instead of home depot because it looked the same but cost twice as much, and OF COURSE you only bought grohe or dornbracht plumbing fixtures, not american standard or kohler.-COLLAPSE
I've always thought it was impolite NOT to be offered at least a perfunctory tour and I always show people around my house a little. If someone invites you over and then doesn't show you around, it feels like they don't trust you enough to show you where they keep the good jewelry, so to speak. It's ok to have one or two messy rooms that are off limits but you should take your guests around,...+READ
I've always thought it was impolite NOT to be offered at least a perfunctory tour and I always show people around my house a little. If someone invites you over and then doesn't show you around, it feels like they don't trust you enough to show you where they keep the good jewelry, so to speak. It's ok to have one or two messy rooms that are off limits but you should take your guests around, maybe point out some family photos or something meaningful a friend gave you, a family heirloom you love, etc.-COLLAPSE
Home tours are only for people interested in buying your home, and exorcists.
As a pastor, I've been invited to do several house blessings for people who've just moved into a new place or done a great reno. This is always a fun occasion, going from room to room with candles and room-specific prayers and sometimes a handdrum or tambourine to accompany the procession. No bragging involved but a fun way for everyone to see the new digs! Dinner usually follows where Q&A...+READ
As a pastor, I've been invited to do several house blessings for people who've just moved into a new place or done a great reno. This is always a fun occasion, going from room to room with candles and room-specific prayers and sometimes a handdrum or tambourine to accompany the procession. No bragging involved but a fun way for everyone to see the new digs! Dinner usually follows where Q&A session can be included if people are interested!-COLLAPSE
Question: How would one know one's guest "cooks on an ancient, gunk-encrusted stove that his landlord refuses to replace" without a previous tour of *their* home?
And you know, if you're invited to someone's home, one could presume you are, at the least, "friendly." Friends tend to find it bad form to judge each other, whether for their gunk-encrusted stove, trust funds, or overblown mortgage...+READ
Question: How would one know one's guest "cooks on an ancient, gunk-encrusted stove that his landlord refuses to replace" without a previous tour of *their* home?
And you know, if you're invited to someone's home, one could presume you are, at the least, "friendly." Friends tend to find it bad form to judge each other, whether for their gunk-encrusted stove, trust funds, or overblown mortgage failure. If in doubt (in particular if you fear you may be subjected to something so tacky as a view of a screening room ::clutches pearls::) decline the invite, House Proud.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people tend to forget that good manners start with their *own* actions and attitudes. The whole point is to make *others* feel comfortable, not judge them for potentially making you feel uncomfortable (in particular vis a vis something so innocent as a tour of a new home). In short, people suck.-COLLAPSE
I'm with the general "who cares" sentiment of the commenters. It's a few minutes of your life and at least you know where the bathroom is afterwards. Unless it's super-obnoxious like "look at my super-expensive this-and-that" I don't view it as showing off your wealth, just showing off something you worked hard and saved for. Homeowners should be proud of their properties.
I always thought it was just so guests knew where the bathroom was.
There are home tours as an overview and general orientation; then there are home tours that give you detailed histories (and price ranges) of every object in the house. The latter is not limited to the well off, just total bores.
I always give a quick
tour for first time quests. I want to see their homes too.
Seriously I don't see the problem with getting a tour. I know when my dear friends move into a place I want to see their homes. I know that they are excited and proud to tell you about them. They are excited. If you have a problem on it, suck it up and suffer through it. It will be over soon enough.
I am currently in middle of funky-upscale reno.When guests come over..I pretend they are here to see me. Only if the tension is unbearable, will i give a quick tour. i like to made-up a few stories along ( just for fun ).
The people in the article sound like a bunch of arrogant dicks. If I visit a friend's new place, even if it's better than my rather modest grad student digs, I'm thrilled for them and feel privileged to be given a tour.
Comparing this to showing 100 pictures of your cat is just moronic.
Have to agree with Rusty and gg3 below. Not sure how being given a tour of a new home is somehow off-putting, especially if they're proud of their new place. Just because House Proud lives in "a modest apartment" doesn't mean others should be forbidden to show off their home.
I'm also not sure if I follow Rachel Lehmann-Haupt's comment in the article. Who are you to tell someone whether or not...+READ
Have to agree with Rusty and gg3 below. Not sure how being given a tour of a new home is somehow off-putting, especially if they're proud of their new place. Just because House Proud lives in "a modest apartment" doesn't mean others should be forbidden to show off their home.
I'm also not sure if I follow Rachel Lehmann-Haupt's comment in the article. Who are you to tell someone whether or not they 'deserve' to live anywhere? Seriously? Get over yourself!!-COLLAPSE
I'm with rusty_s below. Most of my friends really don't have very large homes or McMansions. Tours are definitely expected in housewarming parties.
Huh. It seems natural that people who have just moved in would give a house tour to anyone who knows them well. Maybe "House Proud" walked in to the party at the same time as some close friends who had never been to the new pad. How about you get over your jealousy and give your hosts the benefit of the doubt?
Also, if you are splitting your time between the West Village and Sausalito, I don't...+READ
Huh. It seems natural that people who have just moved in would give a house tour to anyone who knows them well. Maybe "House Proud" walked in to the party at the same time as some close friends who had never been to the new pad. How about you get over your jealousy and give your hosts the benefit of the doubt?
Also, if you are splitting your time between the West Village and Sausalito, I don't think you should get all judgy about spoiled trust fund people. Ew.-COLLAPSE