Confessions of a Turkey Hater

Published on Friday, December 9, 2011, by Joyce Slaton / Edit Post

Consider this a plea: Don't cook turkey for Christmas. After all, America just finished the very last of its Thanksgiving leftovers, disguised as turkey nachos or turkey hash or turkey curry or (shudder) turkey tacos. No one wants another big helping of the same in another couple of weeks. Except when they do.

According to the National Turkey Federation, while Thanksgiving represents turkey's peak, with 46 million birds consumed, 22 million also get roasted off at Christmas. Clearly, millions of Americans are still in the mood for turkey by the time December 25 rolls around.

Why? Turkey is the suckiest of the birds we consume. (There, I said it.) Compared to the divinely fatty duck or goose, succulent little squab, or even the crisp-skinned chicken, turkey is dry and flavorless. That's modern turkey, bred to have an enormous bland breast, you say. What about heritage breeds? Yeah, I've tried those too. Moist, stringy, and flavorless.

As proof, the fact that turkey gravy is prized almost more than the bird itself. Can you think of another holiday meat for which sauce is essential? More evidence of turkey's weaknesses: this very site. We're proof that turkey requires some tricked-out recipe with strips of bacon or even a complete change in form to become palatable.

Instead, allow me to suggest beautifully vintage and also delicious holiday ham. Or a devastatingly sexy prime rib roast.

Or what about goose? Did you ever notice that goose recipes tend to be along the lines of "stick goose in oven, take out when done"? No fancy supports or snack-cake stuffings necessary.

Image source: Turkey with Twinkies stuffing by Joyce Slaton

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POST A COMMENT |14 Comments

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  • Sorry you feel that way about turkey. I eat it year-round -- no problem. However, I must confess that I reserve Christmas meal to a huge extravaganza of seafood in the tradition of seven seafood entrees. This is such a great way to deal with all the fish, crab, shrimp, scallops, geoduck clams in the freezer from personal gathering, fishing, digging, etc. So usually I make sure we have at least...+READ

    Sorry you feel that way about turkey. I eat it year-round -- no problem. However, I must confess that I reserve Christmas meal to a huge extravaganza of seafood in the tradition of seven seafood entrees. This is such a great way to deal with all the fish, crab, shrimp, scallops, geoduck clams in the freezer from personal gathering, fishing, digging, etc. So usually I make sure we have at least king crab scampi over angel hair pasta, garlicky mussels steamed in white wine or a dry mead, geoduck clam chowder New England style, shrimp and scallop tempura, teriyaki-grilled salmon, hailbut cerviche, and lobster mini paella. Now that's what we do for Christmas!! Unfortunately, leftovers do not exist...-COLLAPSE

  • I'm going to tarotchan's house for Christmas. Oh, if I could ONLY have a Nochebuena menu instead of turkey! Pork happiness.

  • Smoked turkey is delicious. But I agree I've been done with Turkey for years.. My family does duck on thanksgiving, on Christmas Eve aka Nochebuena if we can be with our Miami family we do a whole roast pig, if not its pork roast. THen christmas we like to go crazy, last year it was boullaibaise (sp?) we were going to go with lobster risotto this year however plans changed.

  • Hmm, smoked turkey. That sounds kind of delicious. Adding smoke flavor to something usually makes it delicious.

  • I have to agree with Barry, articles like these are silly. Admittedly, I read it, but they all have the same flaw; they're highly subjective. Of course, personally, when I ate turkey (been vegetarian for years) I always went for the dark meat, too. And I wouldn't take ham as a substitute. I could write an article like this about how ham is sucky and offend you. Pecan pie I would take as a...+READ

    I have to agree with Barry, articles like these are silly. Admittedly, I read it, but they all have the same flaw; they're highly subjective. Of course, personally, when I ate turkey (been vegetarian for years) I always went for the dark meat, too. And I wouldn't take ham as a substitute. I could write an article like this about how ham is sucky and offend you. Pecan pie I would take as a substitute, however.-COLLAPSE

  • Although, truthfully, my family doesn;t do Turkey for Xmas. We always make a bunch of shrimp scampi and a prime rib roast. Mushroom risotto as a side, and I'm in no state to leave the house all weekend!

  • I always buy a snoked turkey; it is like ham in bird form!

    In fact, one of our nicest grocery stores in my city does all of its own smoking, and it is simply amazing. I try to make a smoked turkey every other month or so, year-round, I love them so much. Even the white meat is juicy and flavourful!

  • It is oh so easy to end up with dry flavorless turkey breast. But I've eaten way too much dry flavorless chicken breast as well. Red meats are a whole lot easier to cook for the most part than fowl, but it doesn't mean breast meat has to be bad, it just takes more care to make sure it isn't.

  • Ha ha beg of you, not bag of you. Whoops.

  • Barryofthenorth, your passion is commendable. I want only to point out that I said that turkey is sucky, not that anyone who likes it is stupid. You're allowed to eat whatever you like! If you invite me for dinner, however, I bag of you: ham.

  • My brined turkey came out moist and delicious, with crisp skin to boot. I was able to eat breast meat with out gravy, because none of the meat was dry. And any cook worth their salt knows you don't put stuffing in the bird when you roast it in the oven. I also have a duck in my freezer for next week.

    You say this very site is evidence against Turkey. I think this very article is evidence that...+READ

    My brined turkey came out moist and delicious, with crisp skin to boot. I was able to eat breast meat with out gravy, because none of the meat was dry. And any cook worth their salt knows you don't put stuffing in the bird when you roast it in the oven. I also have a duck in my freezer for next week.

    You say this very site is evidence against Turkey. I think this very article is evidence that I need to stop coming to this site.-COLLAPSE

  • UGH!!!! STOP IT WITH THESE "I DON'T LIKE IT SUBJECTIVELY SO I'M GOING TO TELL OTHER PEOPLE THEY SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT THEMSELVES IF THEY LIKE IT" STORIES.

    Sorry to yell, but if I have to read one more effete item about how anyone who prefers white poultry to dark is an idiot, I'm gonna explode.

    I make a pecan pie that has motivated a chef with a Beard award to beg me for the recipe. I can...+READ

    UGH!!!! STOP IT WITH THESE "I DON'T LIKE IT SUBJECTIVELY SO I'M GOING TO TELL OTHER PEOPLE THEY SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT THEMSELVES IF THEY LIKE IT" STORIES.

    Sorry to yell, but if I have to read one more effete item about how anyone who prefers white poultry to dark is an idiot, I'm gonna explode.

    I make a pecan pie that has motivated a chef with a Beard award to beg me for the recipe. I can grill a six-buck London broil that will make you wet your pants, and my chimichurri is worthy of the freakin' Nobel AND the Pulitzer.

    But I'm NEVER going to write such an inanity as "Turkey is the suckiest of the birds we consume." If you don't like turkey, great. If lean and mild white meat isn't your thing, I say, "You go, gurrrrl."

    But this attitude that insists only the richest, fattiest flavors are legitimate is anti-food, anti-diversity and anti-life.

    OK. You don't like turkey, and especially the breast. Good for you. I love to eat, but I also love to maintain my seven-percent bodyfat and cholesterol profile in the top-two percentile. I absolutely love turkey, and cook at least one of them a month. Most of those are the supermarket never-frozen Honeysuckle White variety. I dry them out and roast them at 450 degrees. They RULE. The skin ends up better than the best bacon I've ever eaten, and the white meat remains moist and perfect while the dark is fully cooked and as good as it gets -- IN MY SUBJECTIVE OPINION. I don't like the dark, but I'd never call anyone who loves it (like my endlessly beloved mother-in-law) stupid, misguided or any other negative term. (And for the record, my sainted mother can confirm that I chose white poultry over dark from the second I was capable of articulating a preference.)

    Blanket statements are the province of the tiny mind. I expect more from Chow. "Suckiest" is in the eye of the tiny mind who proclaims it. STOP IT.-COLLAPSE

  • If you are going to cook my turkey in a delicious Mexican mole I might reconsider.

  • The popularity of turkey at Christmas might be due to the large Latino population in the US.

    In Mexico, turkey is served on Christmas eve. Many Central American countries use turkey for Christmas tamales. When I was in Guatemala last year turkey was totally sold out ... I mean totally ... two days before Christmas.