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Padma and Salman: Banana Splitsville?

The blogs and rags have been going nuts with reports of the alleged breakup between Top Chef host Padma Lakshmi and her fatwa-inspiring novelist husband, Salman Rushdie.

According to The Transom in The New York Observer, Padma and Salman can thank Diane von Furstenberg’s big, fancy, wrap-dress mouth for leaking the news of possible marital strife.

Late last week, a source overheard designer Diane von Furstenberg obsessing over the news that the luscious Ms. Lakshmi, 36, was set to drop the 59-year-old novelist, her husband of three years, like a heavy sack of unread best-sellers.

The Observer piece adds that reps from all camps—von Furstenberg’s, Lakshmi’s, and Rushdie’s—were not able or willing to comment on the report.

However, a piece in London’s Daily Mail ventures, “Padma Lakshmi is said to have been telling friends she is leaving the Booker-prize winning novelist, who is 26 years her senior,” and the gossip-fueled Page Six of the New York Post notes that “nobody was denying” the von Furstenberg story.

And the reason for the split? Well, if the von Furstenbergian source can be trusted, it’s because Padma wants “to focus on her big Bravo hit, Top Chef.”

I must admit to being rather saddened by this news. I kind of had Padma and Salman fixed in my mind as one of those GE Profiler “Brains and Beauty” ads come to life.

Slow Food, Fast

Do you have a slow-food appetite on a Hamburger Helper time budget? Greg Conner can help. But only if you live in Seattle. As reported in “Conscientious grocer wants his healthy frozen meals to nurture the community,” an article in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, Conner was a sustainability consultant whose own busy lifestyle meant he was preaching the “eat local” mantra all day but coming home to consume prepared foods.

He decided to walk his own talk, so he started Eat Local, a specialty food store that provides sustainable frozen meals. What does that mean? All the meats and produce are raised within “a several-hundred-mile radius” (which, when you think about it, could encompass a whole lot of territory. But cut him a break: It’s SEATTLE in MARCH. Unless he’s making only dandelion green and mushroom casserole, it could be difficult to stay within a 100-mile radius). In addition, all the food is sustainably raised and organic, and the packaging is recyclable (including a neat little microwavable aluminum tray).

What can you expect to eat?

Orchard Duck Roast with Washington Apples and Onions; Roasted Apricot Chicken; Winter Squash Bisque; Apricot Lentil Soup with Ginger Essence; Chocolate Decadence (a flourless cake), and Bodiam Castle Flapjack Bar (a granola-bar-like snack).

At around $7 per serving, it’s a deal the environment would prefer you not refuse.

Got a Bun in the Oven? Then Hold the Burger.

Men whose moms scarfed beef during pregnancy are at significant risk of developing fertility problems, a new study shows. As the Los Angeles Times reports, these sons of steak have a sperm count about 25 percent below normal and are three times more likely to seek out fertility doctors when they plan their own families.

But don’t hurl that brisket across the room in disgust just yet: The researchers speculate that the issue is not cow meat itself, but the anabolic steroids that U.S. farmers use to fatten cattle. Those, or the pesticides and other pollutants that routinely show up in conventional meat.

Doctors say that if the hormones are the culprit, daughters of beef eaters could be at increased risk for polycystic ovarian syndrome, which can also cause fertility problems (not to mention no-fun symptoms like acne, weight gain, and sugar cravings) if left untreated.

Of course, the study needs to be confirmed by further research; I, for one, plan to stock up on rump roasts from my friendly local farmer until further notice.

Meet Your Matzo

Passover is next week. Do you know where your matzo is coming from? If you live in the United States, it’ll probably be coming from the Manischewitz factory in New Jersey. It makes 75 million sheets of matzo each year for the Passover holiday. Most are eaten; some are turned into art. According to “Passover serious business for ‘matzoh maven,’” an AP article picked up by San Diego’s North County Times:

During the season for Passover products, between seven and 11 mashgiachim, or kosher supervisors, work for the rabbi to inspect the matzoh products.

One is stationed in Pennsylvania for six months to oversee the Passover production of the flour as it is grown, milled and trucked to New Jersey in 40,000-pound tankers. Between five and eight tankers will deliver the flour for 20 straight weeks. The company also manufactures matzoh under the Horowitz-Margareten … and Goodman’s labels.

Despite the ubiquity of the Manischewitz product, some prefer their matzo handmade. They like it for the taste, of course, but also because, for very observant Jews, machine-made matzo doesn’t make the grade for the Passover table. The big, round, rough-looking sheets of the handmade stuff definitely are more appealing than those uniform squares. Maybe this guy can be convinced to deliver (registration required).

Brooklyn Bites

Travel magazines are mostly useless when it comes to food. The vast majority of travel rags are pitched directly at upscale travelers, who, in true anti-Chowhound style, are often more interested in reading about the latest four-star spots than searching for delicious grub in out-of-the-way places. That’s why the unpretentious food coverage in Budget Travel magazine, an offshoot of guidebook publisher Frommer’s, is so refreshingly welcome.

This month, interior design blogger and Brooklynite Grace Bonney provides a stellar neighborhood guide for her borough. The piece encompasses eats, entertainment, and shopping, but it’s the food I zeroed in on, naturally. The writer has good taste, lauding the homemade doughnuts at DuMont, the Malt-Ball Cake at Baked, and the justifiably famous sea-salt-and-olive-oil pizza pie at Franny’s. If you’re unfamilar with the ’hood, print out one of the walking-tour maps that accompany the story, and start nibbling. Mmm.

Cacao Nibs and Jägermeister Pie

Food has always provided great subject matter for song lyrics, but recently gourmandism has made its way into the Pabst-drinkin’ indie-rock scene. As Time Out New York reports, this development is thanks to “a critical mass of band-crazy chefs” (e.g., former wd-50 pastry chef Sam Mason), “food-crazy bands” (like Franz Ferdinand), “and an enthusiastic and educated audience.”

I’ve known plenty of hipsters who love their Big Macs (half-ironically, of course), and others who’ll go an entire day with only a single slice of pizza in their stomachs (which may or may not be an attempt to maintain willowy, indierexic frames). But perhaps these audiophiles are fighting against their natural culinary inclinations, which run to more interesting and delicious fare; as Time Out explains:

In their extremes, both music buffs and foodies engage in a similar embracing of the obscure—the tiny Thai restaurant in Elmhurst, the little-known artist or a rare recording on an arcane label—as a means of distinguishing themselves from those with run-of-the-mill tastes.

And daily life for independent musicians usually involves a lot of cross-country driving to play shows in far-flung locations, adds Kara Zuaro, author of the forthcoming cookbook I Like Food, Food Tastes Good: In the Kitchen with Your Favorite Bands. That much travel can definitely turn an already inquisitive person into a Chowhound pretty fast.

The King of Burger Ethics (?)

Burger King, the restaurant hitherto known for being very similar to but not quite as good as McDonald’s, has decided to blaze a new trail and promise its customers that it will torture slightly fewer animals in the name of underwhelming fast food.

According to The New York Times (registration required):

The goal for the next few months, Burger King said, is for 2 percent of its eggs to be ‘cage free,’ and for 10 percent of its pork to come from farms that allow sows to move around inside pens, rather than being confined to crates. The company said those percentages would rise as more farmers shift to these methods and more competitively priced supplies become available.

The decision has garnered mixed reviews and the usual derisive reaction from the Onion, but according to this longtime detractor of Burger King’s subpar food: It’s a modest goal, but a goddamn admirable one. If BK can make a step in the right direction (ethically speaking), other industrial consumers of delicious slaughtered animals may edge toward humanitarian methods in order to stay competitive. And that would mean a lot less suffering for a lot of aspiring Hamlette Sandwiches and Croissan’wiches.

Next Up: A Robot Chef That Can Find and Kill Sarah Connor

Have you been biting your lip with frustration, waiting for the day when robots would issue the orders to the cooks at your neighborhood fast-food restaurant?

Bite no longer.

The omnipotent and hyperawesome news site CNET (which, uh, owns CHOW) reports on a new robot-based system that promises to make your low-end dining experience far more efficient and creepy:

The vision system in Hyperactive Bob essentially scans the parking lot for incoming cars. It then cross-references traffic patterns against data about the restaurant—the bell curve of orders, the time of day, cooking times, the current amount of food in the restaurant’s warming bins—and issues cooking orders to the employees manning the grill or the deep fat fryer.

Next up: robots that tell customers what to order based on what looks good at every other table in the house; robots that tell waiters whom to wait upon based on the thread count of suits, designer labels of purses, and quality of haircuts; and robots that arrive wearing disguises in order to write snarky criticism of other robots’ restaurants.

Listen. And understand. That Hyperactive Bob is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you have been served a delicious hot meal.

For the Chef Who Thought She Had Everything

After years of buying, using, discarding, and fussing over kitchenware, many home cooks arrive at a sort of agreeable stasis wherein no new acquisitions are required and cooking catalogs are tossed unread.

That’s pretty much where I was until discovering the simply named Chefs Catalog lying on my future mother-in-law’s kitchen counter.

It’s elegantly written. Wide-ranging. Proportionately light on expensive, dumb-ass, unipurpose gadgets, and laden with the kind of legitimately labor-saving stuff that even a well-stocked kitchen might benefit from. It has appetizers (professional mortar and pestle set, meat grinder, poultry shears), main courses (All-Clad pots and pans, Cuisinarts, Henckels knives), and desserts (mise en place prep board with removable prep bowls, vintage hammered teakettle, honey dispenser).

In short, if you’re in the mood to be tempted by culinary hardware, Chefs is a logical starting point.

Icing’s Brave New World

Imagine a wedding dress made entirely of icing. Michele Hester did — complete with elaborate lace bustier and sleeves, flouncy skirt and a huge bow that looks like satin.

OK, sure, I can imagine that. And then I imagined a seminude bride running from a Lutheran church shrieking with embarrassment as rivulets of sweaty sugar syrup that used to be an $8,000 novelty wedding dress streaked off her body, much to the horror and amusement of several hundred assembled guests.

The Lansing State Journal reports on what promises to be a quantum leap in the field of edible lingerie, a new product known as SugarVeil that can hang in sheets from cabinets, chairs, sofas, and nubile naked bodies.

The superflexible (and durable) new form of icing makes decorating cakes with fancy-schmancy designs simpler, something attested to by the admittedly kick-ass photograph of a dolled-up cake that accompanies the Journal’s story.

So as you confront the twin horrors of global warming and a nuclear-armed Iran, take comfort: At least the field of cake decorating is making bold strides into a better tomorrow.

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